Trust?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 6
Trust?
Ok, I got some really great advice yesterday, and I'm so grateful to have found SR. Thank you everyone!
I have a lot of questions and I know you have probably answered these questions for a tone of other people...but I am going to ask anyway....
Will I EVER be able to trust my hubby again? Will he ever be able to leave the house for more than an hour when I'm not thinking where is he, why hasn't he come back, who's he with etc., etc,. You know all the questions you ask yourself that makes you so crazy that by the time he gets home I'm such a ball of nerves that I blow the second he comes through the door, even though I've told myself a hundred times that I'm not going to say anything this time because I want him to know that I'm trying to trust him because he is trying.......
And for some reason it's gettig worse for me...I feel like I'm anticipating some huge thing, I have all this resentment that I don't know what to do with. He overdosed about 6-7 years ago now. He almost died...but for some reason he thinks that me and his family have blown it way out of proportion....We have medical bills out the butt because we didn't have health insurance at the time. So, we can't buy a house right now because he has us so in debt from medical bills, and on top of that he had a revolving bank account loan that as I was putting money in it to pay it back he was taking it out...so we paid that back with a credit card in MY NAME and I just found out he was using it again a few months ago, I caught him again...AGH!!
(Just so everyone knows... I have taken over ALL the money at this point and he gets an allowence...and for some reason he's ok with that....A GROWN man who can't have money....)
Oh, and to top it all off he's having surgery tomrrow for the second time in a month and he'll be getting pain pills, legally for once....HIS FAVORITE! What the heck am I supposed to do with that??????????????
Sorry, that got a little lenghtier then I ment it to...
Any advice will be greatly appriciated! Thanks again everyone!
G.
I have a lot of questions and I know you have probably answered these questions for a tone of other people...but I am going to ask anyway....
Will I EVER be able to trust my hubby again? Will he ever be able to leave the house for more than an hour when I'm not thinking where is he, why hasn't he come back, who's he with etc., etc,. You know all the questions you ask yourself that makes you so crazy that by the time he gets home I'm such a ball of nerves that I blow the second he comes through the door, even though I've told myself a hundred times that I'm not going to say anything this time because I want him to know that I'm trying to trust him because he is trying.......
And for some reason it's gettig worse for me...I feel like I'm anticipating some huge thing, I have all this resentment that I don't know what to do with. He overdosed about 6-7 years ago now. He almost died...but for some reason he thinks that me and his family have blown it way out of proportion....We have medical bills out the butt because we didn't have health insurance at the time. So, we can't buy a house right now because he has us so in debt from medical bills, and on top of that he had a revolving bank account loan that as I was putting money in it to pay it back he was taking it out...so we paid that back with a credit card in MY NAME and I just found out he was using it again a few months ago, I caught him again...AGH!!
(Just so everyone knows... I have taken over ALL the money at this point and he gets an allowence...and for some reason he's ok with that....A GROWN man who can't have money....)
Oh, and to top it all off he's having surgery tomrrow for the second time in a month and he'll be getting pain pills, legally for once....HIS FAVORITE! What the heck am I supposed to do with that??????????????
Sorry, that got a little lenghtier then I ment it to...
Any advice will be greatly appriciated! Thanks again everyone!
G.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Gettintired -
More will be along with their wonderful wisdom but I can relate to the trust thing from the addicts POV.
I have had to earn the trust of my family, and it really hasn't been hard. Basically, because I pay my bills, go to work when I'm supposed to, and call if I'm going to be late, they know I'm doing what I'm supposed to. The #1 indicator that I screwed up when I relapsed, was that I didn't answer phone calls. Yes, sometimes it's a pain 'cause I feel like I'm 16 again and having to check in. But I also realized that it's just one of those consequences I've got to deal with.
My friend, D, who is also an RA, was talking to her Granny the other night. She's going out of town and Granny said "don't do drugs". My friend was really offended and her boyfriend asked "why would she think that". I responded "maybe because she's still paying off the bond for the last time D got locked up, or because D's mother is in prison and has been there most of D's life for drugs, or because her own son (D's dad) died of an overdose". I reminded my friend that this is something we are going to have to deal with for the rest of our lives, but the more responsible we act, the more we will be trusted.
As for the pain pills, I'm gonna let someone with more experience in that area advise you on that.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
More will be along with their wonderful wisdom but I can relate to the trust thing from the addicts POV.
I have had to earn the trust of my family, and it really hasn't been hard. Basically, because I pay my bills, go to work when I'm supposed to, and call if I'm going to be late, they know I'm doing what I'm supposed to. The #1 indicator that I screwed up when I relapsed, was that I didn't answer phone calls. Yes, sometimes it's a pain 'cause I feel like I'm 16 again and having to check in. But I also realized that it's just one of those consequences I've got to deal with.
My friend, D, who is also an RA, was talking to her Granny the other night. She's going out of town and Granny said "don't do drugs". My friend was really offended and her boyfriend asked "why would she think that". I responded "maybe because she's still paying off the bond for the last time D got locked up, or because D's mother is in prison and has been there most of D's life for drugs, or because her own son (D's dad) died of an overdose". I reminded my friend that this is something we are going to have to deal with for the rest of our lives, but the more responsible we act, the more we will be trusted.
As for the pain pills, I'm gonna let someone with more experience in that area advise you on that.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
remember to breathe
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: philadelphia pa
Posts: 1,280
Hi and welcome back,
Impurrfect is so right as far as the trust goes. As for the pain pills, well what do you think can be done? You could see the doctor on the side and tell him and perhaps he can adjust the meds. But do you want to do that? Sounds like he's using now, so do you think while he's laid up after surgery he's gonna be ok and normal? As everyone tells me, and I'm trying my best to listen and act, back off of the addict.
I'm just now starting to understand that I need to back off the addict. When I say understand that doesn't mean I know how to back off all the time, but I am making progress. My first baby step. I have stopped calling him and looking for him.
my second babystep. I "try" not to talk about drugs or program with him. Believe it or not I feel better with myself for just doing those 2 little things. My advice, take a breath and slow down to think, sometimes we act on instinct rather than thinking things out which usually only causes us stress and anxiety. Now with all that said I wish you and your family the best and I hope I can take my own advice as well, you see, we are all walking in each others shoes.
Impurrfect is so right as far as the trust goes. As for the pain pills, well what do you think can be done? You could see the doctor on the side and tell him and perhaps he can adjust the meds. But do you want to do that? Sounds like he's using now, so do you think while he's laid up after surgery he's gonna be ok and normal? As everyone tells me, and I'm trying my best to listen and act, back off of the addict.
I'm just now starting to understand that I need to back off the addict. When I say understand that doesn't mean I know how to back off all the time, but I am making progress. My first baby step. I have stopped calling him and looking for him.
my second babystep. I "try" not to talk about drugs or program with him. Believe it or not I feel better with myself for just doing those 2 little things. My advice, take a breath and slow down to think, sometimes we act on instinct rather than thinking things out which usually only causes us stress and anxiety. Now with all that said I wish you and your family the best and I hope I can take my own advice as well, you see, we are all walking in each others shoes.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: massachusetts
Posts: 3
Hi WOW
I am not ALONE!!! My husband has 93 days clean today....TRUST hummm what is that?? I have the exact same feelings you do to a T. The pain pills ahhhh my ah loves those....and at about 35 days he woke up in real pain not detox pain but he thought he had a kidney stone...so we wnt to the hospital and I said no narcotics. The nurse looked at me like this poor man is in pain...My look said it all...that was Don't mess with me look...Toradol was the pain med they gave him...double check it and the spelling but i asked his friend from the meetings who is a nurse and she said it was fine....my husband came close to overdoseing on ultram and ultraset.
He ended up with an intestinal flare up due to detox and stress of detox and life problems. But my friend you are not alone I want to thank you for reminding me that I am not alone either!!
I am not ALONE!!! My husband has 93 days clean today....TRUST hummm what is that?? I have the exact same feelings you do to a T. The pain pills ahhhh my ah loves those....and at about 35 days he woke up in real pain not detox pain but he thought he had a kidney stone...so we wnt to the hospital and I said no narcotics. The nurse looked at me like this poor man is in pain...My look said it all...that was Don't mess with me look...Toradol was the pain med they gave him...double check it and the spelling but i asked his friend from the meetings who is a nurse and she said it was fine....my husband came close to overdoseing on ultram and ultraset.
He ended up with an intestinal flare up due to detox and stress of detox and life problems. But my friend you are not alone I want to thank you for reminding me that I am not alone either!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 232
As I am finding this out for myself(being very new to having an addicted loved one), I can say this much without needing to gaze into a crystal ball: your marriage will never be the same. Not that it's entirely a bad thing, though.
I'm still learning the hardest part(letting go of the control) because whenever my AW needs to pick up her regular meds at the pharmacy, I still get that pang of uncertainty that there's some pain medication(her DOC) in with the batch. I too control all the finances and whenever she asks for cash ($5 or more), I wonder where it's really going.
Is her next doctor's appointment going to net a new physician that will call in her next pain med request?
My wife's use, and that of your husbands, is their choice. And with every choice, there are consequences. My wife knows without question what will happen if she continues to use. That boundary is now set without any room for a random compulsive act or a sliver of bad judgement. (if I can control ONE thing, it will be the boundaries!)
Your sanity and that of your family can be preserved when you set boundaries as well. (and yes, all addicts are very good at deceiving for a while, so there will be time that you won't probably detect it should he go back to using. But don't worry, all addicts get sloppy when the addiction takes over even their best deceptive tactics.)
Honestly, right now I think it's a sucky way to be in a marriage, because that experience will shape you(and me) from where we are now to what we will be in the future. It will always be a stamp on our relationships. While we may get to the point of forgiving and letting go of the bad emotions, we should never forget it.
But even now in the early stages of this, the optimist in me also sees it another way.
Maybe we'll come out stronger and better for it. I've always been told that the finest steel is tempered by fire. This will be one challenge that will make or break our marriage.
So for now, I'll let her actions speak for her intentions now. Her words, like those of all addicts, can't be trusted right now...
Best of wishes for you, and you'll be in my prayers tonight...
Spinner
I'm still learning the hardest part(letting go of the control) because whenever my AW needs to pick up her regular meds at the pharmacy, I still get that pang of uncertainty that there's some pain medication(her DOC) in with the batch. I too control all the finances and whenever she asks for cash ($5 or more), I wonder where it's really going.
Is her next doctor's appointment going to net a new physician that will call in her next pain med request?
My wife's use, and that of your husbands, is their choice. And with every choice, there are consequences. My wife knows without question what will happen if she continues to use. That boundary is now set without any room for a random compulsive act or a sliver of bad judgement. (if I can control ONE thing, it will be the boundaries!)
Your sanity and that of your family can be preserved when you set boundaries as well. (and yes, all addicts are very good at deceiving for a while, so there will be time that you won't probably detect it should he go back to using. But don't worry, all addicts get sloppy when the addiction takes over even their best deceptive tactics.)
Honestly, right now I think it's a sucky way to be in a marriage, because that experience will shape you(and me) from where we are now to what we will be in the future. It will always be a stamp on our relationships. While we may get to the point of forgiving and letting go of the bad emotions, we should never forget it.
But even now in the early stages of this, the optimist in me also sees it another way.
Maybe we'll come out stronger and better for it. I've always been told that the finest steel is tempered by fire. This will be one challenge that will make or break our marriage.
So for now, I'll let her actions speak for her intentions now. Her words, like those of all addicts, can't be trusted right now...
Best of wishes for you, and you'll be in my prayers tonight...
Spinner
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
Gettintired,
Trust, that's a hard one to get back, and I believe that every addict working on their recovery knows that is an issue for us. Trust, at least for me, is going to take a long long time, if ever, with my 2 AS's.
As for being so involved and worrying all the time,..I was like that too. Then, one day, I had enough, and turned the focus on ME. Because I'm the only one I can control.
Join a club
Fill up any spare time with meetings
Go to lunch with a friend
Focus on what YOU want, and they'll be less time to be worrying over something you have no control over anyhow.
Give yourself time....
Hugs to you,
Trust, that's a hard one to get back, and I believe that every addict working on their recovery knows that is an issue for us. Trust, at least for me, is going to take a long long time, if ever, with my 2 AS's.
As for being so involved and worrying all the time,..I was like that too. Then, one day, I had enough, and turned the focus on ME. Because I'm the only one I can control.
Join a club
Fill up any spare time with meetings
Go to lunch with a friend
Focus on what YOU want, and they'll be less time to be worrying over something you have no control over anyhow.
Give yourself time....
Hugs to you,
StrivingToThrive
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: san diego, ca
Posts: 425
Trust. that takes some time. But its his Job to want to gain it back and to accomplish it. Its not your job. you'll know that its coming ,or not coming along, a little at a time. Just take it One Day at a Time and keep the focus on your recovery too.
Fall 7 times stand up 8
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: ohio
Posts: 10
I can only hope that one day I will be able to trust my AH. I don't know whenthat time comes. I have been dealing with this for over 2 years and it has only gone from bad to worse. Take it one day at a time. It does get better. When...well I just leave that in God's hands. I trust that there is an end to my pain and that life will not always been this painful.
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