feels like both
A little south of sane
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: "For peace of mind, we need to resign as general manager of the universe."
Posts: 177
feels like both
My son was addicted to heroin.
There was chaos, confusion and fear not just in my days but in every single breath I took.
I was determine to 'save' him.
I was determine to save him from himself, I just needed to figure out how.
Everyone here at SR was so stubborn and would not give me the answers I wanted, but they gave me the answers I needed.
It seems like another life time ago now and it seems like only this morning. I don't know how it can feel like both, but it does.
I am not the same person I was when I first showed up here at SR.
My son is certainly different now, he's clean, he's sober and has been for a long time. (It will be three years on Feb. 16th, 2008 at 4:03 PM but who's counting???)
My son moved out about 6 months ago, he has his own place, his own car, a good job. I'm so proud of him, I love him, he is..my son.
Sometimes I happy dance down the hallway.
Most of all I'm simply grateful.
My life is my own again, it does not evolve around my son and that's how it should be. It's all good.
I've been talking to a woman that I deeply care for, her son is going though a similar situation. I feel great empathy for her, for her son, for the entire family. In fact it kicked up and stirred up some of my old feelings.
That's not good.
I watch her struggle with hard choices. I watch her wallow in denial. I watch her afraid to set boundaries. This has been going on for a long time now (years) and their situation has not changed much but recently it is..rapidly growing worse. Recently, after each conversation I found myself drained and stressed and then suddenly it hit me. I WAS falling back into old habits. I wanted her to understand you can love your son and hate his addiction, I wanted her to understand boundaries need to be clear and reasonable, not just threats or punishments. I wanted her to learn that a hug, a sandwich, a coat is not enabling, but $20.00 is....... I want her to understand the concept that saved me and that is that "we all must make our own choices and they need to be choices we can live with". I wanted so much to help. I struggled and worked hard to find the right words to give her the concepts and yet not 'tell' her what to do. I wanted to give her all the information I now hold as my own, information I worked so hard not just to learn but to incorporate into my life. I wanted her to learn.......faster.
Blink
That's when it hit me, just like with my son, I can't 'fix' her, I can't really help her past offering up what information I do have and to listen when she needs to talk. As soon as I realized this I felt more at peace. There are no simple answers. There is no right or wrong way to go about this and what works for one family may not be what works or is needed for another.
Well, for my friend, I will continue to be there but I will not feed off her stress anymore. It was never mine to have in the first place.
To the parents out there I wish to say this:
There is always hope.
It's not your fault.
Our sons, our daughters, are much stronger than we perceive them to be.
Listen, read, learn but in the end make your own choices, choices YOU can live with.
Keep yourself well, physically..emotionally, this is an endurance situation.
Believe in miracles
with much love
Sigh
There was chaos, confusion and fear not just in my days but in every single breath I took.
I was determine to 'save' him.
I was determine to save him from himself, I just needed to figure out how.
Everyone here at SR was so stubborn and would not give me the answers I wanted, but they gave me the answers I needed.
It seems like another life time ago now and it seems like only this morning. I don't know how it can feel like both, but it does.
I am not the same person I was when I first showed up here at SR.
My son is certainly different now, he's clean, he's sober and has been for a long time. (It will be three years on Feb. 16th, 2008 at 4:03 PM but who's counting???)
My son moved out about 6 months ago, he has his own place, his own car, a good job. I'm so proud of him, I love him, he is..my son.
Sometimes I happy dance down the hallway.
Most of all I'm simply grateful.
My life is my own again, it does not evolve around my son and that's how it should be. It's all good.
I've been talking to a woman that I deeply care for, her son is going though a similar situation. I feel great empathy for her, for her son, for the entire family. In fact it kicked up and stirred up some of my old feelings.
That's not good.
I watch her struggle with hard choices. I watch her wallow in denial. I watch her afraid to set boundaries. This has been going on for a long time now (years) and their situation has not changed much but recently it is..rapidly growing worse. Recently, after each conversation I found myself drained and stressed and then suddenly it hit me. I WAS falling back into old habits. I wanted her to understand you can love your son and hate his addiction, I wanted her to understand boundaries need to be clear and reasonable, not just threats or punishments. I wanted her to learn that a hug, a sandwich, a coat is not enabling, but $20.00 is....... I want her to understand the concept that saved me and that is that "we all must make our own choices and they need to be choices we can live with". I wanted so much to help. I struggled and worked hard to find the right words to give her the concepts and yet not 'tell' her what to do. I wanted to give her all the information I now hold as my own, information I worked so hard not just to learn but to incorporate into my life. I wanted her to learn.......faster.
Blink
That's when it hit me, just like with my son, I can't 'fix' her, I can't really help her past offering up what information I do have and to listen when she needs to talk. As soon as I realized this I felt more at peace. There are no simple answers. There is no right or wrong way to go about this and what works for one family may not be what works or is needed for another.
Well, for my friend, I will continue to be there but I will not feed off her stress anymore. It was never mine to have in the first place.
To the parents out there I wish to say this:
There is always hope.
It's not your fault.
Our sons, our daughters, are much stronger than we perceive them to be.
Listen, read, learn but in the end make your own choices, choices YOU can live with.
Keep yourself well, physically..emotionally, this is an endurance situation.
Believe in miracles
with much love
Sigh
Bridge CLOSED
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
It is so good to hear from you. I am so glad you posted this insight. I am so happy for your son being in recovery.
I am not a Mom and my addict is gone, but your insigthful post is very useful.
We can only help ourselves and fix ourselves. We can offer a guide to others but they must choose to walk this path. We can show them where it starts but we cannot take them down it.
I am not a Mom and my addict is gone, but your insigthful post is very useful.
We can only help ourselves and fix ourselves. We can offer a guide to others but they must choose to walk this path. We can show them where it starts but we cannot take them down it.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
(((Sigh)))
If you remember Smoke Gets In My Eyes, another moderator here, she used to say that we need an Anon-Anon Forum because we codies in recovery want to save newcomers from all the pain. You're right, we can't fix those who suffer also, just show them by example that there is hope for a better way to live. I too remember living each day in dark pain, and I know I will never go there again. I'd save anyone from that if I could.
It's so good to hear from you and huge hugs to your Michael for staying on the good path and doing so well. Hugs to you too because you've always been such an inspiration to me as well as a dear friend.
Love you Sigh, and send you hugs from my heart.
If you remember Smoke Gets In My Eyes, another moderator here, she used to say that we need an Anon-Anon Forum because we codies in recovery want to save newcomers from all the pain. You're right, we can't fix those who suffer also, just show them by example that there is hope for a better way to live. I too remember living each day in dark pain, and I know I will never go there again. I'd save anyone from that if I could.
It's so good to hear from you and huge hugs to your Michael for staying on the good path and doing so well. Hugs to you too because you've always been such an inspiration to me as well as a dear friend.
Love you Sigh, and send you hugs from my heart.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Wow, I am always amazed that just when I find my hope waning someone posts something that I need to hear. Thanks for the post, Sigh. I needed that extra touch of hope today. And congratulations to you and your son for surviving addiction and thriving. Hugs, Marle
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
((((((((Sigh))))))))))
As always, your post is powerful and meaningful...I've missed you my friend. So glad that you found the tools you needed to give yor friend back what is hers. I'm very glad Michael is doing well and living what is his and that you have your life back. Hugs...thank you
As always, your post is powerful and meaningful...I've missed you my friend. So glad that you found the tools you needed to give yor friend back what is hers. I'm very glad Michael is doing well and living what is his and that you have your life back. Hugs...thank you
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
(((sigh)))) you are right ,we can not fix those who are not ready for the help. i have someone very close to me that is just begining to deal with their 19yr old addict son.i realize she has a long hard road ahead but i also realize that right now she does not want to hear what i have to say.just like the addict the codie has to hit their bottom.we have to just wait & be their for them when they are ready. thanks for this post.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
Oh crud. Does this mean I have to put away my Super Al Anon Recruiter stuff?
I've been known to get "that look" while telling an acquaintance (typically not someone in the program) that if she would JUST read pg 74 )or 296 or just the whole book...) in Courage to Change that her life would get back on track... and then I would reach into my bag of tricks and JUST happen to have an extra copy of the book so she could have it AND read it AND get fixed. This was in the earlier days, before I realized that no one was ASKING for my great wisdom.. (*snork*)
Oh yeah, attraction not promotion.
I've been known to get "that look" while telling an acquaintance (typically not someone in the program) that if she would JUST read pg 74 )or 296 or just the whole book...) in Courage to Change that her life would get back on track... and then I would reach into my bag of tricks and JUST happen to have an extra copy of the book so she could have it AND read it AND get fixed. This was in the earlier days, before I realized that no one was ASKING for my great wisdom.. (*snork*)
Oh yeah, attraction not promotion.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 23
I've already found myself doing this. Just people I know from work, when I hear them talk about their relationships I want to scream at them "NO DONT DO WHAT I DID!!!"
It doesnt matter, they wont listen. Just like our A's have to feel the burn of the fire so do us codies.
It doesnt matter, they wont listen. Just like our A's have to feel the burn of the fire so do us codies.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Originally Posted by CatsPajamas 
Oh crud. Does this mean I have to put away my Super Al Anon Recruiter stuff?
I've been known to get "that look" while telling an acquaintance (typically not someone in the program) that if she would JUST read pg 74 )or 296 or just the whole book...) in Courage to Change that her life would get back on track... and then I would reach into my bag of tricks and JUST happen to have an extra copy of the book so she could have it AND read it AND get fixed. This was in the earlier days, before I realized that no one was ASKING for my great wisdom.. (*snork*)
Oh yeah, attraction not promotion.
I've been known to get "that look" while telling an acquaintance (typically not someone in the program) that if she would JUST read pg 74 )or 296 or just the whole book...) in Courage to Change that her life would get back on track... and then I would reach into my bag of tricks and JUST happen to have an extra copy of the book so she could have it AND read it AND get fixed. This was in the earlier days, before I realized that no one was ASKING for my great wisdom.. (*snork*)
Oh yeah, attraction not promotion.
I was hoping they could get at least a little recovery by osmosis.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: GO PENS
Posts: 1,151
Sigh,
I'm so happy for you and your son. It is wonderful to hear about recovery. My daughter is 26 and started using at the age of 21. Presently I can call her my RAD.
She is doing really well and I am a bit relieved. She is in very early recovery but I see a lot of positive changes taking place. I hope that this is her time. This is the best I have seen her in 5 yrs. There have been other clean times but none like this. She seems different this time. She really wants to be clean and I think that makes it different. Before it was what I wanted......this time it is what she wants.
Blessings to you and your son............Lo
I'm so happy for you and your son. It is wonderful to hear about recovery. My daughter is 26 and started using at the age of 21. Presently I can call her my RAD.
She is doing really well and I am a bit relieved. She is in very early recovery but I see a lot of positive changes taking place. I hope that this is her time. This is the best I have seen her in 5 yrs. There have been other clean times but none like this. She seems different this time. She really wants to be clean and I think that makes it different. Before it was what I wanted......this time it is what she wants.
Blessings to you and your son............Lo
remember to breathe
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: philadelphia pa
Posts: 1,280
I'm the mother of a 22 yr old heroin addict thats not doing so great in the codie department so I really, really appreciate your post. It gives me hope, and inspiration aswell as admiration for the fight that you and your son have gone through. I must admit I find myself wanting what you have but also realize it has to be "earned". I hope that my road, however long it may be, has the same outcome as yours.
Congratulations on your freedom.
Congratulations on your freedom.
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
Sigh,
SO happy to see you! You always have something so enlightening, or thought provoking to share, I miss your posts! And, I am so glad tro hear that Michael is doing well on his recovery journey.
I also think it's wonderful to pass on the message of the 12 Steps, along with the tools that help US, but you can lead a horse to water.....:horse
Hugs to you, Sigh,
SO happy to see you! You always have something so enlightening, or thought provoking to share, I miss your posts! And, I am so glad tro hear that Michael is doing well on his recovery journey.
I also think it's wonderful to pass on the message of the 12 Steps, along with the tools that help US, but you can lead a horse to water.....:horse
Hugs to you, Sigh,
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Sigh,
So good to see you and hear from you. And so glad that your son is doing well and that you are, too.
You made a very good point. No matter what happens with our loved one, this program is really about us working on us. And you're never too long in this recovery journey to not backslide. I've found myself wanting to help newcomers, just want to tell them so much so they can learn from all my wisdom.
I've learned you can't make someone get it any faster. So I think I've finally figured out that the best thing I can be is be there, at meetings, for other people and try to be a good example of what recovery looks like.
Thanks for the reminder.
Hugs,
Hangin' In
So good to see you and hear from you. And so glad that your son is doing well and that you are, too.
You made a very good point. No matter what happens with our loved one, this program is really about us working on us. And you're never too long in this recovery journey to not backslide. I've found myself wanting to help newcomers, just want to tell them so much so they can learn from all my wisdom.
I've learned you can't make someone get it any faster. So I think I've finally figured out that the best thing I can be is be there, at meetings, for other people and try to be a good example of what recovery looks like.
Thanks for the reminder.
Hugs,
Hangin' In
A little south of sane
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: "For peace of mind, we need to resign as general manager of the universe."
Posts: 177
Well thanks everyone!
It's nice to see old friends and hopefully make new ones.
((((Hope))))--when I first came here and people went ((((sigh))) i thought they were shouting at me because I-did-not-get-it..grin
Ann...as always..my heart to your heart
Moose, Hiya sure is nice to see you again, you know I always remember so many things you've shared, like the grandfather clock story. Warm hugs coming your way.
CatsPJs "This was in the earlier days, before I realized that no one was ASKING for my great wisdom.. (*snork*)" been there realized that myself also! At first it was a shock, now I don't mind so much, not being in 'charge' sure takes the pressure off--- Snork~! (you guys are still snorking! I love it)
marle, greetteach..everyone else...hugs..hugs..hugs for you
sigh
It's nice to see old friends and hopefully make new ones.
((((Hope))))--when I first came here and people went ((((sigh))) i thought they were shouting at me because I-did-not-get-it..grin
Ann...as always..my heart to your heart
Moose, Hiya sure is nice to see you again, you know I always remember so many things you've shared, like the grandfather clock story. Warm hugs coming your way.
CatsPJs "This was in the earlier days, before I realized that no one was ASKING for my great wisdom.. (*snork*)" been there realized that myself also! At first it was a shock, now I don't mind so much, not being in 'charge' sure takes the pressure off--- Snork~! (you guys are still snorking! I love it)
marle, greetteach..everyone else...hugs..hugs..hugs for you
sigh
A little south of sane
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: "For peace of mind, we need to resign as general manager of the universe."
Posts: 177
ahh! dollydo I have the answer for you, I do I do I do
help...someone else, get a puppy, volunteer, redirect those caretaker feelings into a positive thing
it works, I know
I had to do this myself
sigh
help...someone else, get a puppy, volunteer, redirect those caretaker feelings into a positive thing
it works, I know
I had to do this myself
sigh
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Originally Posted by Sigh
I wanted her to learn.......faster.
Blink
That's when it hit me, just like with my son, I can't 'fix' her, I can't really help her past offering up what information I do have and to listen when she needs to talk. As soon as I realized this I felt more at peace. There are no simple answers. There is no right or wrong way to go about this and what works for one family may not be what works or is needed for another.
Well, for my friend, I will continue to be there ....
Blink
That's when it hit me, just like with my son, I can't 'fix' her, I can't really help her past offering up what information I do have and to listen when she needs to talk. As soon as I realized this I felt more at peace. There are no simple answers. There is no right or wrong way to go about this and what works for one family may not be what works or is needed for another.
Well, for my friend, I will continue to be there ....
You have become one of those same wonderful, loving people that wouldn't give you the answers you wanted but did give you the answers you needed when you first came here.
A flower is beautiful even before it starts to open. With the right care, each flower opens into the full beauty allowed.
You have always been a beautiful flower and brightened up SR every time you have posted. I see you now as a flower that is in full bloom and shines it's full beauty for all to see.
I have always enjoyed seeing you post Sigh. Today you posted just what I needed to see so your post touched me double.
Thank you
Last edited by best; 10-15-2007 at 11:24 AM.
A little south of sane
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: "For peace of mind, we need to resign as general manager of the universe."
Posts: 177
oh Best, now nice of you to say such things.
If I am a flower (and that's a big if..grin) I'm one of those little tiny ones that grows up right between the cracks in the concrete and you wonder how did THAT survive THERE!
hugs
sigh
If I am a flower (and that's a big if..grin) I'm one of those little tiny ones that grows up right between the cracks in the concrete and you wonder how did THAT survive THERE!
hugs
sigh
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