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I'm so thick headed

Old 10-12-2007, 07:37 AM
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I'm so thick headed

How can I stop trying to help? I know all of you have said letting go will help my AS and I really do believe you but I can't stop thinking, "but he needs the help, and he wants the help" I know I know as long as I keep helping he'll keep taking it. See, I know what needs to be done, I'm so affraid if I throw him out and leave him to his addiction, he will die in his car of an overdose.(he's overdosed 2X's at home and we saved him) there I said it I'm affraid he'll die in his car, and it will be because he had no where to go. My fault! I know I know it's not my fault. I could have let him stay at home and work on his recovery. How can he work on his recovery while living with me. Can he? Is there something I can do at home or not do at home so he can work on the recovery? I'm not really expecting an answer to these questions, these are just the questions I ask myself ALL DAY LONG. of the 24 hrs in the day I don't think of him about 5 minutes. Am I just having a bad day today since I don't think I usually rant and rave like this. Oh how tired I am. I long for a full nights sleep without horrible dreams.

thanks for letting me vent
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Old 10-12-2007, 07:48 AM
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((rashue))


Just Huge Hugs.

B
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Old 10-12-2007, 07:58 AM
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You know you are not hard-headed-just a mom. My AH has given me fits for 10 mo. now. I get my head together for wks. at a time and he would pop up. I guess I am a weakling and stupid at times. My daughters gave me fits when they were growing up-but not drugs-booze and stupid stuff. All are doing well-I am a great-gram twice. I cannot imagine the pain you are going through with your son. I do understand the thinking, questions and sleepless nights-no miracle answer. Look how long some codies have been with SR-they did not "make it" overnight. I imagine some of the moms will be posting to you with their experiences-hopefully some good suggestions. You just vent away-I do every now and then. I don't think we are hard-headed-just concerned about our loved ones. Take care!!!!!!
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Old 10-12-2007, 08:02 AM
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How can you help him? Really help him? You help yourself first. If you are emotionally lost, and upset you can not help him at all. You do not need to kick him out for him to work on his recovery. But you can not get all wrapped in what he is doing as he is trying to work through the program and take everything so personally. This is his job. Your job is getting yourself straight so when he gets well you and he can have a healthy relationship that is good for the both of you. You need to work the steps for you. You set boundaries…his side and your side. You do not wrapped your side in with his. You stick to it. When you are down you find way and things or even people to help draw you back to your side and work in your own recovery. Right now you are not doing that. You are looking on his side getting all involved and getting sicker by the second worrying about the if’s and what’s when you should be taking care of you.


(((HUGE HUGS)))) Been there… done that… Nothing changes for either of you if nothing changes Mom. Try my suggestions. Let me know how it is going.

Much love,
Broken
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Old 10-12-2007, 08:11 AM
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Hi,
Reading your post brought me back to a place where I never want to go again...I remember feeling the same way you are right now.

Here's how it was for me. My son is not only an addict but has been insulin dependent since he was a little boy. His being out there was twice...no-- many times worse than someone without diabetes. He could have used the wrong dose, not eaten enough, eaten too much, had a diabetic seizure- an immediate life threatening emergency, or a long term one due to neglect of proper health care.
I can remember the feeling in my core...of terror and helplessness.

As he continued to progress on his path to destroying himself, our family- especially his dad and I, began to see that we had to save ourselves inspite of what our son did. In many ways I was just being sucked down under and I HAD to stop.

When I finally got scared enough, and ready to save myself I began to do some serious detaching. I'll be honest and tell you that I also did this FOR my son's benefit. I knew that my actions were keeping him from owning his own consequences, and I was not respecting his choices. I felt that my 'helping' him was sending him a message that I really didn't have any confidence in him or his ability to do the right thing.

So it all stopped- gradually at first and we stepped things up as he got into more and deeper trouble. The last time I paid to get his car our of impound I felt such remorse. I knew that he had his car back and would go right back into 'that world' and possibly die-- because I helped him. I couldn't bear that. We finally stopped rescuing him. I did provide medical care for him and sometimes clothing and shoes. At that time he went 'missing' for about 2 months and I was afraid for his life.

The outcome? He had found people to stay with, he found rides to work and he found out what was in store for him in his future if he didn't stop. Alot of things happened to him that I never want to know about.

He got arrested, and took a 'deal' to attend a drug program while in jail. He chose to stay in jail almost a year and a 4 month outside program after that. He could have left jail at about 3 months after his arrest, had a record and could have continued his drug use. He's clean now, has a job and a lovely girlfriend.

If he was still out using today, I would still do the same thing because I want to keep my side of it clean and I must stay out of his business to stay healthy. Just like my son, I came to a point where I really had no other choice but to step back and survive.

I found out too, that I could do better than just survive it. I learned to work my recovery at a more deeper level than I had ever done before in the almost 10 years of my own experience with Alanon and my codependency issues.
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Old 10-12-2007, 08:57 AM
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Like cmc, I have been where you are and I remember the painful indecision. I knew what was right but I was too scared to do it, I lived 24 hours a day in that dark place called "fear".

I could encourage you to do things differently than I did, but the truth is, I think you have to do what you have to do and when you hit an "enough" point, it will be easier (but don't kid yourself, it won't be totally easy).

I had the nightmares for years too and spent my days exhausted from very little sleep. Be careful of that, it will affect your physical and mental health.

What helped me most, during those times and after my son left, was going to meetings and learning to work the 12 steps that saved my life. I will encourage that, if you don't already go, because I know it will help you more than you can imagine.

So today I am sending very little advice, just a bucket of hugs because I know how much you need them. And some prayers too, God's used to my daily list

Hugs
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Old 10-12-2007, 09:09 AM
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You have to take baby steps in letting go...don't feel that you have to do a 100% turn-around to help safe yourself and your son. When I first read some of the post here it appeared to me that people were just tossing their children out and having no contact with them...(I said appeared to me). After reading more about their stories they made the moves in baby steps so that they could begin their recovery. I beleive my biggest fear...which is the same as anyone dealing with addicts is that they will overdose, or hurt themselves because we detached ourselves from them. The addicts know that this is what is keeping us tied to them...they know that we love them so much we don't want any harm coming to them. Now...put the shoe on the other foot...if he is not willing to seek some type of recovery...are you willing to live this lifestyle?? You know, the one where he get desperate enough to sell your things, to steal from you, to lie to you..to manipulate you until you are too drained to deal with it anymore??

No one is telling you to toss your son out to the dogs, what they are telling you is that you need to make boundries and stick to them. If he uses he is gone, if he steals he is gone, if he lies, he is gone. Let him know these are the rules...if he breaks the rules you needs to face the consequences!! You can't walk on eggshells hoping that he will get help ....he has to want help first!
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Old 10-12-2007, 09:12 AM
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Rashue -

I am really sorry you are going thru this and I'm sure more mom's will be on with their ES&H.

I understand your worry, but as a recovering addict I can tell you, he will not get help until the consequences of his using outweigh getting high.

He's OD'd twice in your house and yes, you saved him. But think about this - he may be thinking "I can get high at home, not worry about being on the streets, and if I do too much, mom & dad will be there to save me again". Are you ready to watch over him 24 hours a day, worry about what he's doing in the bathroom or his room? You don't deserve that.

I'm not trying to be hard, but I've just watched too many people stay in their addiction because someone else "helped" them.

I really liked what CMC said about detaching FOR her son. I can tell you recovery is hard - but because I made the decision and am dealing with my consequences, I can feel better about myself instead of beating myself up like I used to. I'm grateful that my loved one's let me fall on my face, even though my dad has told me how many times he cried every time he saw something on the news about a female found dead - he always worried that one day it would be me.

You're not thick headed - you're a mom and you're hurting. I also realize you have to hit your bottom. From what I've read by other mom's here, it all took them a lot of heartache to get there.

Keep posting and do what feels best for you. The best part about SR is they never shoot their wounded!

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 10-12-2007, 09:26 AM
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thanks so much everyone, I don't know what I'd do without you guys.

I need to think of how to start a better boundaries list. And this boundaries list needs to be about my boundaries. I have no clue where to start but I'll get there, I know I will, because all of you are behind me and I can't tell you how grateful I am.

I feel like a whiney hiney, LOL just a bad day but I'm glad I had this bad day or I would have thought myself "too strong" to post and would not have gotten this encouragement.

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANKYOU
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Old 10-12-2007, 11:02 AM
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Sorry I'm late, work gets in my way!:sorry

It is hard. I only got past it when her counselor told me I was "loving her to death" and was I prepared to live w/that!

Prayers for you, I understand--
susan
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Old 10-12-2007, 11:44 AM
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Rahsue,

so glad you posted this! And you are not whining, just saying out loud that voice we all hear in our heads. And since YOU posted it, I get to see all the great advice others have shared. And you are right it is so nice to have all of you behind us! We'll keep hiking this journey together. That's what keeps me going forward even when I have days like you did that seem to take me backwards. I am accepting them now and trying to get positive things out of them and not beat myself up about them.
hugs and prayers,
Cathy
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Old 10-12-2007, 11:59 AM
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A special note to all the newcomers...not one of us found and "got" recovery overnight. Most of us took a lot of time, some of us years, before we finished crossing that bridge from the darkness into the light. What is most important, you have already done. You have acknowledge that this IS a problem and you have reached out for help. That's a huge step all by itself.

The rest comes in baby steps. Trying new behaviour until it becomes a natural way of living. We step forward and sometimes we fall back, even with many years of recovery this can happen, especially if we become complacent about practicing our recovery.

And as we change, we often meet resistance from those who only knew us the way we were. They don't know what to make of us, the old buttons can no longer be pushed, and they aren't sure if they like the person we have become. They will, they almost always do.

Recovery is a process that has no end. We don't graduate and receive a certificate but we do receive so many gifts along the way, the greatest of which is the gift of loving ourselves enough to take good care of us. We find a new freedom when we unshackle the chains of codependency.

I just wanted to add that because I know that I wanted what I saw others had, and I wanted it NOW. The good news is that it happens, one "aha" moment at a time and as we learn better we do better and life becomes worth living again.

Hugs
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Old 10-12-2007, 12:06 PM
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For me I have a rule that my son can't use drugs and live in my house.
I couldn't take the chaos. I have to be able to function, do my job, be a good wife, etc. I couldn't do that with him in as a druggie. Just The insanity of hiding everything drove me nuts because I forgot where I put things. That was no way to live in my own home. Out On his own he always held a job (tho he always got fired and then find another one) He got roommates to take him hin and then a girlfirend -they all eventually had to get him out. But he has learned from his consequeces and for now is off the drugs. In recovery no, but off drugs. I had to do what was right for my husband and I. WE ALL Figure this out in our own way and time.
I know the def. of INSANITY is "doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results" I had to stop the insanity for myself. Can you determine how to stop your own insanity? Hugs your way as you deal with this.
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Old 10-12-2007, 01:55 PM
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I don't think the fear of your child dying ever goes away. For me I just don't dwell on it anymore. I know that nothing I can do will prevent my daughter's death because she is not ready to stop using. It may sound cold, but I do not want to waste anymore of my life in the what ifs. If I had any measure of control as I did when she was a child, then I would exercise whatever power I had to stop her. I don't have that power any longer and so I have to let go and let her fall, whatever that means. I no longer try to analyze the whys and the reasons. I feel my feelings and then I let them go. But always with a prayer that God keep her safe until that times comes when she is ready for recovery. I also accept His will and if that be death I know that I will find a way to accept that too. It really can be a scary place so I am sending you some extra prayers. Hugs, Marle
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Old 10-12-2007, 02:18 PM
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I don't have anything to add to the above, just sending you a huge

((((HUG)))))

and a prayer :praying

for all of you!
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Old 10-12-2007, 02:18 PM
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(((((rahsue))))
Ahhh, my heart hurts for you, because I remember those exact feelings. My feeling was one, or both of my sons, would die without my help.

As usual, I had it all backwards...my help was what was helping the addiction to continue. There was NO reason for either of my sons to get sober, and into recovery, when I was always digging them out of their troubles.
Heck, I was just blindly financing their drugs.

Another thought I've had for a long time, and I've mentioned it before is being in the middle. For a long time, I wasn't letting my sons H.P. take the wheel, I kept getting in the middle all the time. Personally, I believe that both of my sons would have became sober and in recovery a lot faster if I could have stayed out of the chaos... (but it was what I did best... )

As for facing the aspect of death, sometimes we just have to have faith that our H.P. is going to do what is absolutely the best for our adult children.

Big mom hugs to you,
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Old 10-12-2007, 06:07 PM
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I know if I am Living in fear doubt and worry than I have a problem.
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Old 10-12-2007, 06:22 PM
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Rashue
Just sending more mom hugs your way. think we have all felt (or are feeling now) the way you are now. Please try to get some rest. I know that when I didn't have much sleep, I made poor decisions.
Hugs to you
Terri
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Old 10-12-2007, 06:58 PM
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Not a Mom, but a daughter.

I was once a mere butterfly in the making. I was nutured, I was allowed to grow on my own terms, make my own mistakes and suffer the consequences of my decisions.

I earned my wings, I have my own life, I became an adult, because I was given a gift, I had parents who knew that I needed to fly, to learn how to deal with my life, my choices.... I was given the right of passage. For that I am forever grateful.

My thought is: Give him the right of passage, allow him to become an adult, not just a child under his mama's wing...turn him over to the HP, and, move forward with your life, that is your right of passage.

Pamper yourself, get some rest.

To me, Moose said it all...she realized that she was not allowing her sons HP to take the wheel.
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Old 10-12-2007, 07:30 PM
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i understand....you cannot fix it as much as you want to.....try to take care of yourself.......you have a right to an unburdend mind......... you must try to love yourself....your addict son must love himself and until he does he will try to burden you.....the burden does not belong to you...........

Last edited by macmerry; 10-12-2007 at 07:31 PM. Reason: sp
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