Language of Letting Go - October 10
 

You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Payoffs from Destructive Relationships

Sometimes it helps to understand that we may be receiving a payoff from relationships that cause us distress.

The relationship may be feeding into our helplessness or our martyr role.

Maybe the relationships feeds our need to be needed, enhancing our self-esteem by allowing us to feel in control or morally superior to the other person.

Some of us feel alleviated from financial or other kinds of responsibility by staying in a particular relationship.

"My father sexually abused me when I was a child," said one woman. "I went on to spend the next twenty years blackmailing him emotionally and financially on this. I could get money from him whenever I wanted, and I never had to take financial responsibility for myself."

Realizing that we may have gotten a codependent payoff from a relationship is not a cause for shame. It means we are searching out the blocks in ourselves that may be stopping our growth.

We can take responsibility for the part we may have played in keeping ourselves victimized. When we are willing to look honestly and fearlessly at the payoff and let it go, we will find the healing we've been seeking. We'll also be ready to receive the positive, healthy payoffs available in relationships, the payoffs we really want and need.

Today, I will be open to looking at the payoffs I may have received from staying in unhealthy relationships, or from keeping destructive systems operating. I will become ready to let go of my need to stay in unhealthy systems; I am ready to face myself.

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.

Looking back, I think I compensated for my feelings of inadequacy as a mother (because my son turned out to be an addict) by trying to be the "Recovery Mother of the Year" by standing by my son, supporting him, taking care of him and doing all sorts of enabling things, thinking it was love. I was afraid to look at the person I had become, because the person I had become lived in fear every single day and tried to hide it by "doing" more and more until I was exhausted, still never being "enough".

My own recovery has taught me that addiction is not about me, I didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it either. I have learned that I don't have to meet anyone's expectations as a mother or as a person. Being "me" is more than good enough, it's a terrific person to be.

Learning that allowed me to stop being a victim living in the problem. Today I am a survivor and I live in the solution. It's a much nicer place to be.

Once again, you have said what I thought but couldn't put into words.
Thank you!
susan

:e082:

Beautiful!
and just what I needed today!
thanks,
cathy :bday8