Frog_2hop

In my divorce recovery class the leader told us we should not pray for our X....as a means to help us unhook. I know I used to pray pray pray for him to get better so we'd live happily ever after and I can see how that is not okay, but now I pray for 'him', that 'he' finds strength and direction for 'him'. I also am needing to journal each night for court reason (because of our small children) so after I have to dwell in the ugly during the journally I pray for him so my HP takes him back from me and I don't have to hold the ugly in my thoughts or heart.

What do you all think?

Frog_2hop

I agree that those types of prayer are okay too. Their response to that was that if we believe he is in need of those prayers ask others who care about him to pray instead of you. That to unhook, we need to let go of that responsibility and not 'think about him' all the time in order to pray. I guess if I was not the mother of his small children I could try to get it so my mind isn't 'thinking out him' but there is no way to at this stage in my children's life. I don't think I would be as healthy and strong in my own recovery if I wasn't praying for him. For me, praying for him helps me unhook, because it take the responsibility off of me, and gives it to my HP.

I try to stay in prayer with my HP all the time. If a thought crosses my mind, I talk to my HP about it. I often even pray for the people I pass in a car, even if I don't know them. I pray for people I encounter or hear about or see on the news....they are not always big prayers, but just a quick 'bless them in whatever their situations are and bring them closer to Him.'

I've really struggled with this one. Thanks for the input. I also believe that classes like this are great information but it is my responsibility to take and personalize each piece of information. I don't however want to take and leave what is convienent for me without challenging myself to 'really' understand and apply. The more input on this issue the better.

duet_4-8

I feel like praying for my ex actually helps me to 'unhook' from all the hurt, too, knowing that I have finally really turned him over to God and gotten out of the way, you know? Letting go of the resentment and the need for 'justice'. My prayers have changed over time, too, from 'please make him be a good husband and father', to 'have Your way in his life, Lord'.

I think is is a purely personal decision and depends on your relationship with God and with the way you pray. I am like you, I tend to stay in communication with God basically all the time. Like talking to a friend....

I can't see how it could be a bad thing to do, especially when you have children and they he is the dad. ((((hugs))))

greeteachday

I guess I find it really hard to imagine it being good to not pray...Everyone deserves prayers and feeling a personal connection with your HP as well as feeling compassion for your ex certainly sounds like very positive things.

I guess I can sorta, kinda get where they are coming from in terms of learning not to obsess or to not pray for the happily ever after, but I'm a great believer also that each person walks a different path. We don't recover in the same way, we don't grieve in the same way, we don't love in the same way and we certainly don't all pray in the same way. What works for you is good for you! I personally find praying for those who have hurt me helps me to heal and keeps me connected in a positive way with my HP. Hugs and prayers.

guineapigjude

Duet, over the years my prayers for XAH have changed much like yours. When we were together, my prayers focussed on what I wanted from him. Now I concentrate on what I wish for him, which is the opportunity to recover. He has placed himself with a new set of enablers, and all I can do is pray he is able to find himself inwhatever circumstances it takes for him to desire change.
I don't think I could recover myself if I couldn't pray honestly for him. Again, like Duet, this helps me to "unhook" or detach .. acknowledge I can't save him, and give him over to the care of my HP with love.

Elana

My separation from my BF was a bit different than what most of you ahve been thru. In my heart and sould I believe this guy will always be an addict, will always have the traits of an addict and all of the behaviors of an addict.

I used to pray for god to take care of him. I don't even mention him in my prayers. He is gone on, living with the GF he was cheating with and is likely cheating on her today. He is likely growing drugs in her home and her yard and putting her at all the same risks he put me up for. Maybe she does drugs too and doesn't care. Not my problem.

I fear if I pray for my XABF it will be for him to hit bottom so hard he breaks his neck in the process. Not very recovery but I am better off if I don't think about him at all.

I am better off if a thought comes to me of him to simply say "God's Problem. Not Mine." and then go and think of something else.

Yeah I know.. still got an anger issue there.

Easeful

I pray for my X. He's not an alcholic or addict (as far as I know), but he's a person who was for a period of time a very important part of my life.

Frog_2hop

After much thought this week, the input from you all as well as many close friends I've bounced this off of...I have come to my own conclusion about this issue: I think we need to be aware of our need to unhook - and be honest with ourselves about the intent of our prayer. If there is any "hooked-ness" about it, we need to adjust and pray to be able to unhook. But I think if we can honestly say we are not staying hooked through our prayers, but rather praying as part of our relationship with our HP, the go for it. I feel my praying is healthy, I feel if I didn't I wouldn't be as healthy as I am right now, I'd probably be more resentful, bitter, angry. I have put this in my HP's hand the entire time. I feel comfortable with that, and I think that is what matters.

Lovestoomuch

I still pray for my ex. His life is no less important than my own.......but then again, I've always felt that way.

cece1960

Girl, sometimes you just make me laugh out loud

I can see where they are coming from, but I have to agree with you that its a personal decision. I know that when I first started practicing prayer as I had come to know it, there were definate strings and expectations attached. Unfortunately I spent a good deal of time feeling that God was lacking in customer service skills.

I know now to go about it differently, and its made all the difference in the world.

(((Hugs)))
Cece