He's Not Taking No For an Answer
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 170
He's Not Taking No For an Answer
I tried to break up with him because of his alcohol abuse and his relapse after rehab for drugs. He just doesn't take no for an answer.
He is going out of town yet again this weekend. This is the fourth weekend in a row that he says he has to go visit his daughter in another city (200 miles away). He has supervised visitation because he is on probation and his daughter is only a yr. old. I've never heard of that many visitations in a row, but I do know he knows a lot of drug buddies in that city because he use to live there.
I'm just so tired of trying to tell him what I want. I don't want to hurt him because he is very sweet and nice to me when he is with me. I'm just out of energy trying to talk to him. I told him the relationship has going downhill. He said it was just my imagination. He has started turning his phone off when he comes over because he was getting so many calls and he knew it made me mad. What's up with all the fricking calls??
I'm just running out of energy to fight this anymore. At least I'm not married to him and he doesn't live with me. Maybe I'll give more thought to what my next step is. I just don't know how to be mean to people if they are going through something like he must be going through. He probably has enough problems as it is with such an awful disease.
I'm not worried about him dragging me down with him. That will never happen.
GK
He is going out of town yet again this weekend. This is the fourth weekend in a row that he says he has to go visit his daughter in another city (200 miles away). He has supervised visitation because he is on probation and his daughter is only a yr. old. I've never heard of that many visitations in a row, but I do know he knows a lot of drug buddies in that city because he use to live there.
I'm just so tired of trying to tell him what I want. I don't want to hurt him because he is very sweet and nice to me when he is with me. I'm just out of energy trying to talk to him. I told him the relationship has going downhill. He said it was just my imagination. He has started turning his phone off when he comes over because he was getting so many calls and he knew it made me mad. What's up with all the fricking calls??
I'm just running out of energy to fight this anymore. At least I'm not married to him and he doesn't live with me. Maybe I'll give more thought to what my next step is. I just don't know how to be mean to people if they are going through something like he must be going through. He probably has enough problems as it is with such an awful disease.
I'm not worried about him dragging me down with him. That will never happen.
GK
Or However You Spell It....
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Safe
Posts: 4,264
Please don't take this harshly, but addicts are very good at manipulating us into doing exactly what they want us to do. He may be nice enough......but don't think for one second he's not manipulating you into staying in a relationship with him. He will take no for an answer if you mean it.........because if you mean it, he won't have any other choice. All said with love.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Karma,
Good to hear from you. I think maybe you just have to think on this a bit. There is a gray area between just keeping on the way you were doing (black) and "being mean to him" (white). If you ponder this for a while, you may find some way to say "I care about you and I don't want to be mean to you, but I want you to stop calling me"
Weekends away and all those calls (whether or not he's taking them now when he's with you) are huge red flags. So....he goes to visit his 1-year-old and spends all weekend with her? Just...hanging out? With a one-year-old?
I'm thinking probably not. I'm sure you know all the possibilities: He's dealing. He's seeing someone else. He's using.
If this is the way you want to continue, no one can tell you not to. But it just seems to me that you might want to free yourself up to find someone who's equally sweet but less.....shady. There are lots out there. Don't shut your eyes to them.
Hugs,
GL
Good to hear from you. I think maybe you just have to think on this a bit. There is a gray area between just keeping on the way you were doing (black) and "being mean to him" (white). If you ponder this for a while, you may find some way to say "I care about you and I don't want to be mean to you, but I want you to stop calling me"
Weekends away and all those calls (whether or not he's taking them now when he's with you) are huge red flags. So....he goes to visit his 1-year-old and spends all weekend with her? Just...hanging out? With a one-year-old?
I'm thinking probably not. I'm sure you know all the possibilities: He's dealing. He's seeing someone else. He's using.
If this is the way you want to continue, no one can tell you not to. But it just seems to me that you might want to free yourself up to find someone who's equally sweet but less.....shady. There are lots out there. Don't shut your eyes to them.
Hugs,
GL
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
GK, he'll take no for an answer when you say it and mean it and back it with your actions (or lack of actions such as receiving his calls).
Whether you stay or leave is up to you, and if you decide you really need to leave then I promise your "no" will be understood.
Sweetie, tattoo this on your forehead and remind yourself often, because there isn't one person here who didn't get dragged down by addiction. Personally I have been so far "down" that hell was "up" and it ain't pretty in that very dark place.
I guess I am trying to say please be very very careful and make sure you take care of yourself. It's a dark world you are venturing into, hang on to your light.
Hugs
Whether you stay or leave is up to you, and if you decide you really need to leave then I promise your "no" will be understood.
I'm not worried about him dragging me down with him. That will never happen.
I guess I am trying to say please be very very careful and make sure you take care of yourself. It's a dark world you are venturing into, hang on to your light.
Hugs
Survivor
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 149
What you are considering that would be mean to him is not, it is being good to you......his addiction is not your problem and I don't think him not listening to your concerns or taking no for an answer is being very sweet and nice to you....don't mean to sound harsh but JMO he is lying and manipulating you.....
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
Hello,
I read your post and can't help but think you need a good boundary line set with him. There's an excellent book called "Boundaries, how to say yes, when to say NO." I think every one of us codies need to read this book.
Like Ann said, he'll listen when you enforce your NO. And, as we in alanon like to say, "NO is a complete sentance".
I read your post and can't help but think you need a good boundary line set with him. There's an excellent book called "Boundaries, how to say yes, when to say NO." I think every one of us codies need to read this book.
Like Ann said, he'll listen when you enforce your NO. And, as we in alanon like to say, "NO is a complete sentance".
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
I went thru something very similar with my exah. Cripe, I still go thru it.
I used to be afraid of hurting my exah's feelings too. It felt like I would be kicking him when he was down. I felt sorry for him. And as a result, I didn't always send a consistent message to my exah that things were over between us.
I thought I was being nice. In hindsight, I understand that I wasn't. I was sending mixed messages and messing up the already messed-up head of an addict all in the name of not wanting to hurt him.
What I've learned...is that its not mean to end a relationship. Whats mean is to send mixed signals thereby giving the addict a false sense of hope. The kinder approach is to say what you mean and mean what you say.
If you really want to end things...if you really know that there is no future...the nice thing to do is cut off contact and send a very consistent message. If you try to break things off but continue to talk to him and spend time with him, you're only prolonging the pain for both of you.
Good luck. I know its not easy but its the right and KIND thing to do in the long run. Trust me, I know from personal experience. I wish you luck...
I used to be afraid of hurting my exah's feelings too. It felt like I would be kicking him when he was down. I felt sorry for him. And as a result, I didn't always send a consistent message to my exah that things were over between us.
I thought I was being nice. In hindsight, I understand that I wasn't. I was sending mixed messages and messing up the already messed-up head of an addict all in the name of not wanting to hurt him.
What I've learned...is that its not mean to end a relationship. Whats mean is to send mixed signals thereby giving the addict a false sense of hope. The kinder approach is to say what you mean and mean what you say.
If you really want to end things...if you really know that there is no future...the nice thing to do is cut off contact and send a very consistent message. If you try to break things off but continue to talk to him and spend time with him, you're only prolonging the pain for both of you.
Good luck. I know its not easy but its the right and KIND thing to do in the long run. Trust me, I know from personal experience. I wish you luck...
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Falling Waters, WV
Posts: 150
I am trying to understand this....you don't want to hurt this kind and loving man..right? Do you think this kind and loving man thinks about what his drug activity is doing to you? Honestly, I don't think he is a kind as you beleive and as far as manipulating you, he has already that or you wouldn't be here. It is hard to see the manipulation when it is happening if you walk around with your eyes shut because reality hurts so bad. You need to take this weekend to get your thoughts together...read as many messages here so that you can get the big picture of what life with an addict is all about. You need to make your final choices on whether you are willing to live with someone that you don't trust, you question there where'abouts and really have no clue as to what they are doing. People live like this on an everyday basis and if you have the chance to not get involved or to run....RUN!!
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
GK,
Welcome. You have just entered a place where hundreds of people understand what you are going thru... Many have tried every conceivable idea to get their loved one to change destructive behavior, to get him/her sober or clean... to try to get them to SEE what they are doing so they'll stop doing it.
This place is full of experience, strength and hope...
We love you, we care and we understand. And we will walk with you on your journey. It might help for you to read some of the "stickies" at the top of the forum so you can get to know some of the stories.
Hugs
Cats
Welcome. You have just entered a place where hundreds of people understand what you are going thru... Many have tried every conceivable idea to get their loved one to change destructive behavior, to get him/her sober or clean... to try to get them to SEE what they are doing so they'll stop doing it.
This place is full of experience, strength and hope...
He will take no for an answer if you mean it.
and remember NO starts with YOU.......
If this is the way you want to continue, no one can tell you not to
I guess I am trying to say please be very very careful and make sure you take care of yourself. It's a dark world you are venturing into, hang on to your light.
What you are considering that would be mean to him is not, it is being good to you......
as we in alanon like to say, "NO is a complete sentance".
What I've learned...is that its not mean to end a relationship. Whats mean is to send mixed signals thereby giving the addict a false sense of hope. The kinder approach is to say what you mean and mean what you say.
It is hard to see the manipulation when it is happening if you walk around with your eyes shut because reality hurts so bad
Hugs
Cats
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
Great advise befroe me Karma.
I know its hard, especially for a nice gal to tell a nice guy its over.
But it sounds like thats not really what you have said.
Giveing them "hints" won't accomplish much. Nor will trying to have them "get it" and stop pretending that there is still a relationship.
If you really desire to end it, then it has to be ended by you. He won't take that step, even if that would make things easier.
No means no and the actions that follow will speak even louder.
We're here if you need us
(((Hugs)))
Cece
I know its hard, especially for a nice gal to tell a nice guy its over.
But it sounds like thats not really what you have said.
Giveing them "hints" won't accomplish much. Nor will trying to have them "get it" and stop pretending that there is still a relationship.
If you really desire to end it, then it has to be ended by you. He won't take that step, even if that would make things easier.
No means no and the actions that follow will speak even louder.
We're here if you need us
(((Hugs)))
Cece
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 170
Thank you all for the great advice and believe me I am listening to what you all have to say. Why do all of you seem to think that he will never end the relationship. A lot of guys end relationships.
He thinks I believe him when he tells me he's not doing drugs. I don't get into it with him about the drugs because you have all told me that I can't change him or make him stop doing drugs so why should I waste my time and energy arguing with him about it. He will just deny it. I'm smarter that he thinks. I don't know how he passes the drug tests that are given by his probation officer though.
I have read the stickies and they are incredible! They have helped me so much and have really opened my eyes to the truth about addicts.
I will just keep trying and I will get away from this situation.
He thinks I believe him when he tells me he's not doing drugs. I don't get into it with him about the drugs because you have all told me that I can't change him or make him stop doing drugs so why should I waste my time and energy arguing with him about it. He will just deny it. I'm smarter that he thinks. I don't know how he passes the drug tests that are given by his probation officer though.
I have read the stickies and they are incredible! They have helped me so much and have really opened my eyes to the truth about addicts.
I will just keep trying and I will get away from this situation.
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