Struggling
 

A couple of weeks ago, my brother moved away. He bought a house in Georgia with his new wife. Surprisingly though, that's not what has triggered my current state. While at his house for a good-bye dinner, he showed me some videos that he had taken of my son when he was younger. While watching the videos I realized 1) I could not remember him at that time in his life 2) I couldn't even pinpoint how old he was. I've missed my son's entire life. I went back to work 2 weeks after I had him. My staples from my c-section were still in. And, at the time I was working a full-time job, a part-time job and going to college full-time. After I graduated I worked full-time in a school and worked ABA sessions after (kids with Autism). I worked everyday from 8am to 7pm. Now, I have a great job. I make enough money to not need to work all day long. But, that doesn't stop me. For the past 2 years, I've been working 9am to 8pm 5 days a week. So, in light of all of this, I decided to take some time off from work. To "be a mom" for the first time in my child's life. And, instead of plunging into mother-hood, I've plunged deep into depression. I haven't been to work in.... I have idea how long. I haven't spoken to anyone. I haven't been sleeping... maybe 2 hours a night at best. I just sit. I sit and I think. I sit and I cry. I do this because I've come to the realization that I don't like myself, I don't like my life, I didn't want to be a parent, and perhaps still don't and the reason that I've been working so much and so hard for the past years isn't for the money, isn't for the satisfaction of helping children and families. It's to avoid my own life. To avoid the reality of who I am and what my life is. I don't know where to go from here!

How sad and unfair to your child. You brought him into this world, you pawn him off to others to raise, you finally do the right thing and make time for him and what happens?.......you wallow in how depressed YOU are. Imagine how depressing it's been for this kid to have his mom away from him all this time and when she's finally at home with him, she's miserable. I'm sure THAT makes him feel good (sarcasm intended).

I'm not trying to be cruel, I'm simply trying to get you to focus on your kid. I hope you're able to, otherwise, maybe he should be with his Dad (if indeed you're no longer married to his dad).

Just my opinion.
LH

(((nevergivingup)))

Some days are harder than others. Try not to dwell on the past, you can only move forward.

If your depression continues I would suggest seeing your doctor. Depression can be hard to beat but it can be done. Try not to beat yourself up. The past is the past, it can't be changed, the future is in your hands.

Hugs to you and your family! :Val004:

((never))

you have been so heavy on my mind & heart lately - have been asking about you on the Pennys thread.

Hate that you are feeling this tough stuff right now - if you are truly suffering from depression - it may be a medical condition that needs professional medical help.

Maybe after so many years of such a difficult schedule - your body is telling you that you need some rest - mentally, physically and spiritually?

I have no way of knowing for sure - just very concerned about you - Remember if nothing changes - nothing changes.

Praying that you find the inner courage & strength to seek the changes that you need so that you can find that inner peace & happiness.

Please know that you are love & missed when you aren't here at SR and I'll be keeping you & your family in my thoughts & prayers.

((never))

wishing you serenity & joy,
Rita

**** you!

I'm done with this ******* place. I'm about 2 minutes away from putting ******* gun to my head and this the response I get. **** you all!

We're here to listen to you! Keep reading. We're not all giving you the same response.

hey never, i don't think there is a mom in the world who cannot relate in some way to your post. it's so hard to balance the care of our kids and the care of ourselves.

you made the best decisions you could. you've worked hard. so please accept my respect and support.

a doctor can help you with the depression. and we're here and we'll try to be good listeners.

i understand.

hugs, k

((((never))))
One comment does not make a concensus.
Many of us, I think , have struggled with our lives, our choices, and those ugly thoughts that run through your head in the darkest of times.
You are experiencing difficult times. Nothing in the mommy handbook tells us how to deal with these thoughts when they arrive. So we muddle through as best we can.

You are loved here Never...and we're here for you as best we can be. But it does sound like a professional may be able to better help you sort this out.

LH...I am frequently impressed by your strength and knowledege regarding recovery. But please keep in mind that not all of us find our way by way of a straight line. Funny thing is, its the zigs and zags that perhaps taught me the most about myself, warts and all. Yes, we are parents, with responsibilities to our innocent children. But we are also human, with flaws, and at times these flaws are uncovered while doing the best we can at the time.
And not one of us here are perfect.

(((Hugs)))
Cece

Hi,
There is help. I also suffer w/ major depression, as does my daughter. We don't know all the story, only the little bit you posted. Please keep reading and posting, you obviously love the child or it wouldn't bother you. Why you made the choice at that time was the best you could do at that time. Give yourself a break and us a chance!!

What's really going on?
prayers for you,
susan

Don't let one callous person affect you so strongly. Certain remarks were thoughtless and cruel.

I'm glad you're reaching out and that you shared this. I think it's actually quite common. I understand depression, and have suffered most of my life with it.
Please go talk to your doctor - and continue to post. Don't give up, hon. Right there with you.

Row

Cece1960

I apologize if my comments were not well received. I am very aware of how imperfect I am and how imperfect we all are. I have had my share of pain, and certainly know what it's like to raise a child on my own. And I too have learned quite a bit from the "zig zags" as you put it.

However I make no apologies for focusing on the kids in many of these situations, because, so often, they are completely overlooked. Perhaps I didn't word it as sensitively as many others here are able to, but I was hoping that she might look outside herself to gain some persepctive and, hopefully, extricate herself from her current funk.

I in no way meant to hurt anyone, and am truly sorry if I caused undue pain.

LH

Undue pain? Who the f do you think you are? Who are you to presume anything? In no way and at no point did I ever even remotely state that my child was not well taken care of. I work my ars off to ensure that he goes to the best private school on long island. He is there full day and any cases that I have after his school time, he comes with me. If you have issues with how you raised your children, keep it to yourself. And as for his father. You're absolutely right. Let's send him off to heroine addicted father who not only beat me, but beat his child. And before you jump the gun... I left. I left the relationship and tried my hardest to keep that sob out of my child's life. The only reason he's even remotely in my son's life is because the courts have ordered it.

Over the past several years I've had my life completely and totally destroyed. Over and over again. And then I wake up, once the dust has settled and realize that I have no friggin clue who I am and why I'm here. How did I get here? How did every dream and every desire I ever had fall to the way side? I have a good job. A noble job where I spend every day of my life working with children with autism and their families helping them to lead a better life, helping to educate the community on autism, helping to raise money for the cause, helping with research, helping to train new teachers to work to be able to help more children. I'm a good person. But this is not what I wanted and not where I wanted to end up. I wanted more from my life. And yes, on most days I find a million and one ways to avoid who I am. Avoid dealing with all of these issues. And I'm struggling at this point.

Again, I apologize. I wish you and your child well.

LH

I too never thought my life would take the turns it did! But, the older I get and look back, there WAS a reason. Sometimes I didn't understand it, sometimes I still don't, but you were given that baby for a reason! You had other choices but chose to keep him and do what you thought was best for him. Be proud of what you did and the work you are doing! Not everyone can work w/ children, I can't! I admire those that can. There is something in your life that seems to be missing, I don't know what. But, I do know that I returned to school w/ two toddlers and worked my way through. Nothing is impossible if you put your mind to it!

Once again, there is help, hope and love...and alot of it is here!!

prayers,
susan

This is the suggested closing that they read at many AlAnon meetings. It's good to remember that we all come together from various stages of pain and life to share our experience, strength and hope...

CLOSING:
In closing, I would like to say that the opinions expressed here were strictly those of the person who gave them.
Take what you liked and leave the rest.
The things you heard were spoken in confidence and should be treated as confidential.
Keep them within the “walls” of this room and the confines of your mind.
A few special words to those of you who haven’t been with us long;
Whatever your problems, there are those among us who have had them too.
If you try to keep an open mind, you will find help.
You will come to realize that there is no situation too difficult to be bettered and no unhappiness too great to be lessened.
We aren’t perfect. The welcome we give you may not show the warmth we have in our hearts for you.
After awhile, you’ll discover that though you may not like all of us, you’ll love us in a very special way – the same way we already love you.
Talk to each other, reason things out with someone else, but let there be no gossip or criticism of one another.
Instead, let the understanding, love and peace of the program grow in you one day at a time.

Sorry, Im an idiot! I didn't read well enough.

Motherhood is hard, hard, hard. Hang in there, I'm sure you are nervous, scared and trying too hard! You have a fulfilling life helping others, so do I. However, when we center it in our own lives it is difficult!

My best to you, PM me if you want to talk.
susan

Never, I'm glad you're here to talk about your struggle at this time. Depression is serious and I hope you see your Doctor for help.

Learning Husband has apologized. We've all said things at times that could offend others.
I hope now you ((( nevergivingup ))) can feel at ease as you continue to talk about your present circumstances. Not sleeping well coupled with feeling lonely and depressed sure can make life miserable. I'm sorry you've been feeling so low. Reaching out here to us today is a good thing...now keep talking my friend!
We can lean on one another when troubled so keeep leaning, okay?
Hugs

nevergivingup,

I'm someone who has struggled my whole life with the thought of "What do I want to do with my life?" I often fall into the same funk of not feeling like I'm doing any good in the world, or into working so hard, or into the "I'm doing all of this stuff and I still feel like absolutel cr@p" spot.

There's a reason why I have this signature line. It's a reminder - to ME - to keep thinking about this, and keep making adjustments along the way. Not big monumental steps, just small adjustments, like tiny adjustments you make when you're on a sailboat and you're traveling a long way.

What do you feel is missing most of all? Maybe we can start there. What were you hoping you'd have at this stage of your life that you don't have now?

Maybe we can help each other.

Hugs,
GiveLove, always lost

p.s. never
Whenever you radically change your life, you gotta expect a few days, or even weeks, when you are just out there floating. It feels AWFUL. You've sliced through those neural pathways that are your habitual patterns of doing things. There's a similarity between the withdrawal you're feeling and the withdrawal substance abusers feel. I'm glad you're reaching out, feeling around for something to hold onto.

many prayers to you right now