Struggling
Starry Girl
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Starry Night
Posts: 251
Hey hon,
Everything you are feeling, I think, is so normal. I remember after my son was born being so angry with him, my AH and the world for how my life was turning out. I didn't blame my kid anymore than you would blame J, but was resentment there? Sure was.
Think about this: You went back to work when he was 2 weeks old and never stopped. Now you finally have a minute to think about how your life has changed. For me, that came about a year and half after my son was born when I too stopped working. It was HARD. I really had to grieve the life I thought I was going to have and the stuff I (thought) I had given up when I got pregnant, unplanned.
You don't have to be forever guilty that you aren't supermom, because none of us are. But having read your stories for years now, I know with all confidence that you love your son, and you have done everything you could and had to do to keep him safe.
I think every loving mom has minutes and days and weeks and months like this. I wish parenthood came with a safety helmet for parents! I just want you to know I believe in you, and I still wish we could get J and AR together for a play date.
Hugs, HUGE hugs....
Everything you are feeling, I think, is so normal. I remember after my son was born being so angry with him, my AH and the world for how my life was turning out. I didn't blame my kid anymore than you would blame J, but was resentment there? Sure was.
Think about this: You went back to work when he was 2 weeks old and never stopped. Now you finally have a minute to think about how your life has changed. For me, that came about a year and half after my son was born when I too stopped working. It was HARD. I really had to grieve the life I thought I was going to have and the stuff I (thought) I had given up when I got pregnant, unplanned.
You don't have to be forever guilty that you aren't supermom, because none of us are. But having read your stories for years now, I know with all confidence that you love your son, and you have done everything you could and had to do to keep him safe.
I think every loving mom has minutes and days and weeks and months like this. I wish parenthood came with a safety helmet for parents! I just want you to know I believe in you, and I still wish we could get J and AR together for a play date.
Hugs, HUGE hugs....
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: here and now
Posts: 1,291
Hi Never, I haven't read through all the posts, but i don't blame you for being pi**ed off!!
I look on here sometimes and I've wondered where you've been.
Wow you went to school fulltime and worked full time and part time!!! Again, WOW!!! I don't know how you did it!
Now that i have started working in the human services field I can really understand how a person can get burned out too, maybe that is part of what you are experiencing.
Maybe you deserve an extended break and maybe a little counseling would help sort out how your feeling.
Giving you a great big (((HUG)))) Take care of yourself!!
I look on here sometimes and I've wondered where you've been.
Wow you went to school fulltime and worked full time and part time!!! Again, WOW!!! I don't know how you did it!
Now that i have started working in the human services field I can really understand how a person can get burned out too, maybe that is part of what you are experiencing.
Maybe you deserve an extended break and maybe a little counseling would help sort out how your feeling.
Giving you a great big (((HUG)))) Take care of yourself!!
Last edited by raerae6; 10-04-2007 at 06:16 PM.
Just plainly tired
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: crossroads
Posts: 2,834
Never, I keep thinking about you and I am so worried. I hope your reading what everyone has written to know you and know that you arent alone. I admire your strength for leaving your exah.... as some others remember when you first walk in to our little world here... I remember the court battles.. I remember almost everything about you. I've seen your pictures of you and your baby boy and could see how much you love J and that J loves you.
I understand truly understand all your feelings... I go through it almost everyday.
Jewel
I understand truly understand all your feelings... I go through it almost everyday.
Jewel
Rest peacefully Sonny Boy
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Florida, Tennessee
Posts: 840
((NGU))
I'm going to throw my two cents worth in here, and I'll only charge you a penny OK? (-:
When I read the first response, well I was livid, and it wasn't even directed at me, I was mad for you. Being judged by the very people you reach out to, hurts, it hurts bad. But you know what? You don't have to explain anything to anyone. Least of all anyone who doesn't know you or all the facts.
You have done a wonderful job. As a mother, a provider, and a Dad. Yes, I said Dad. Not only have you had multiple jobs, school and life in general, but you've had to take on both roles of parenting. That's two more jobs added on. It's no wonder you are depressed and overwhelmed. Most people would have crumbled a long time ago under that kind of pressure. Most people would have given up. You didn't. Be proud of yourself.
I still don't know who I am. After raising 3 kids by myself, struggling to provide for them, fighting depression and other illnesses, to this very day I have a real hard time figuring out what I enjoy, what I like to do, what would make me happy. No matter what I accomplished, it was never enough in my mind. There came a day, when I was exactly where you are. I was just one small pull of a finger away from it all being over. The only thing that stopped me was my kids, I couldn't do that to them. I know where you are at right now.
You've concentrated so hard on work, on motherhood, what about on You? What would you like to do just for yourself, not anything anyone would expect you to want or even anything that you would expect yourself to want, go outside the box and give yourself a gift of doing one thing, just for you. I did two things for myself that made me laugh again, dancing and go cart racing. I had to force myself to do it at first, and yes I left the kids behind, but once I started doing little things for myself, it relieved some of the pressure and I could better balance my financial responsibilities, with motherhood, with life, and most important, with myself.
NGU, I'm sending lots of love, hugs, prayers....and understanding.
B
I'm going to throw my two cents worth in here, and I'll only charge you a penny OK? (-:
When I read the first response, well I was livid, and it wasn't even directed at me, I was mad for you. Being judged by the very people you reach out to, hurts, it hurts bad. But you know what? You don't have to explain anything to anyone. Least of all anyone who doesn't know you or all the facts.
You have done a wonderful job. As a mother, a provider, and a Dad. Yes, I said Dad. Not only have you had multiple jobs, school and life in general, but you've had to take on both roles of parenting. That's two more jobs added on. It's no wonder you are depressed and overwhelmed. Most people would have crumbled a long time ago under that kind of pressure. Most people would have given up. You didn't. Be proud of yourself.
I still don't know who I am. After raising 3 kids by myself, struggling to provide for them, fighting depression and other illnesses, to this very day I have a real hard time figuring out what I enjoy, what I like to do, what would make me happy. No matter what I accomplished, it was never enough in my mind. There came a day, when I was exactly where you are. I was just one small pull of a finger away from it all being over. The only thing that stopped me was my kids, I couldn't do that to them. I know where you are at right now.
You've concentrated so hard on work, on motherhood, what about on You? What would you like to do just for yourself, not anything anyone would expect you to want or even anything that you would expect yourself to want, go outside the box and give yourself a gift of doing one thing, just for you. I did two things for myself that made me laugh again, dancing and go cart racing. I had to force myself to do it at first, and yes I left the kids behind, but once I started doing little things for myself, it relieved some of the pressure and I could better balance my financial responsibilities, with motherhood, with life, and most important, with myself.
NGU, I'm sending lots of love, hugs, prayers....and understanding.
B
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: on to bigger & better things
Posts: 4,122
Never.....I am thinking of you. I too am a single parent and have been from day 1, went through ALL of it by myself, her dad has seen her twice in her 3 1/2 yrs of life. I struggle with her and her defiance at me. I wonder why this why that, what is it going to be like when I'm at her graduation in a wheelchair cuz you know I'm so old....was 42 when I had her. My oldest is 22, I have a grandbaby. They live 350 miles away. That is sad that I don't see them more. My oldest was about 18 months or 2 yrs old when her dad & I got divorced. So I single parented then for a while too....only then I was drinking & drugging. She was never neglected or anything like that, she never went hungry or dirty or without a bed to sleep in. But I did neglect her of my time and attention for a while. Her father got to be managing conservator of her when she was about 4 or 5 and took her 350 miles away from me so I could not exercise my joint custody rights like I should have...not enough money to go down there every other weekend etc etc.....
I lived with the guilt over that for many years, many years that I kept covering it up with dope and stuff..... I too did not recognize my daughter at a time or two when she came up to me like Loves. We did see each other every spring break, every summer, every holiday (Thanksgiving & Christmas) like the papers said we could and I got down there several other weekends too. I still felt guilty and worthless and like a failure.
What I know today.....I did the best I could at the time. For years I resented the hell out of her father. Today I am grateful he was stable enough to provide what I couldn't during that time. We have a wonderful relationship now.
I have been trying the recovery deal since 1987. This year I finally celebrated 10 years clean & sober and I've grown a great deal.
I missed alot of her life, nothing I can do about it now. I make a living amends to her every day! With the young one I have now....whew, she's a pistol I tell ya....I do the best I can. I am the mother, the father, the playmate, the disciplinarian, the maid, cook all that stuff. It's hard, it's EXTREMELY hard. I have no financial support from anywhere except me.
The reason I tell you all this is to let you know you are not alone. I have struggled with depression so bad I couldn't work, I couldn't barely get out of bed, then I couldn't get out of my recliner, I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't stay awake, all I could do was sit and stare off into space. My doctor put me on Zoloft for a while....this was while I was pregnant with the 3 yr old because I could NOT function. It helped me tremendously....I don't have to take any anti depressants today.
People in the recovery programs helped me through tons and tons of all the feelings of guilt, resentments, shame, fears you name it.....and I have lots of work left to do.
I commend you on your accomplishments. It takes strong special people to carry on through the muck & the mire to get to the place where we can say ENOUGH! You have a lot to offer so many people and to your child. Please take care of you, give yourself a hug until you can get one in person at a meeting a support group somewhere...call the doctor or counselor soon please!
I lived with the guilt over that for many years, many years that I kept covering it up with dope and stuff..... I too did not recognize my daughter at a time or two when she came up to me like Loves. We did see each other every spring break, every summer, every holiday (Thanksgiving & Christmas) like the papers said we could and I got down there several other weekends too. I still felt guilty and worthless and like a failure.
What I know today.....I did the best I could at the time. For years I resented the hell out of her father. Today I am grateful he was stable enough to provide what I couldn't during that time. We have a wonderful relationship now.
I have been trying the recovery deal since 1987. This year I finally celebrated 10 years clean & sober and I've grown a great deal.
I missed alot of her life, nothing I can do about it now. I make a living amends to her every day! With the young one I have now....whew, she's a pistol I tell ya....I do the best I can. I am the mother, the father, the playmate, the disciplinarian, the maid, cook all that stuff. It's hard, it's EXTREMELY hard. I have no financial support from anywhere except me.
The reason I tell you all this is to let you know you are not alone. I have struggled with depression so bad I couldn't work, I couldn't barely get out of bed, then I couldn't get out of my recliner, I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't stay awake, all I could do was sit and stare off into space. My doctor put me on Zoloft for a while....this was while I was pregnant with the 3 yr old because I could NOT function. It helped me tremendously....I don't have to take any anti depressants today.
People in the recovery programs helped me through tons and tons of all the feelings of guilt, resentments, shame, fears you name it.....and I have lots of work left to do.
I commend you on your accomplishments. It takes strong special people to carry on through the muck & the mire to get to the place where we can say ENOUGH! You have a lot to offer so many people and to your child. Please take care of you, give yourself a hug until you can get one in person at a meeting a support group somewhere...call the doctor or counselor soon please!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 472
You must excuse some comments. Apparently-one does not have a clue as to how diificult, how hard, sometimes almost impossible it is for a single mother to try to raise a child or children. Obviously, they have no clue or are just ignorant. I raised 3 daughters alone-they saw their dad when they were young very seldom. I worked myself to death to provide a roof over their heads, food on the table, etc. When they were older-like you I had a better job, was able to be a scout leader and we did have good times. I had migraines, at least once a month to the ER-stress. I missed a lot of their young years-but it did get better. They are grown now, I have grandchildren and greatgrandchildren and my daughters have no memory of the hard times when they were young. I have to tell them every now and then-our life was far from perfect. You do get good advice here-you just have to sort it out and see what works for you. I don't know if any of us truly have the life we hoped and dreamed for? I thought I did and look where I am-but getting better and life is getting better almost every day now. Stick with the site-you do have a lot of people who are trying to be here for you. Talk, vent, send PMs-whatever it takes. Hope to hear from you soon. LOL
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Ahhhh Never, I want to hop in my car, get to Long Island and just hug you tight and let you know that it is okay not to feel strong; it's okay to want someone else to carry the load just for a little bit. You have constantly thought of others, especially your son and that leaves little room for you to discover you. I so understand how now as the chaos is easing and you have a few minutes to breath, you are questioning how you got here. Please just remember that the road you took...every decision you made, every step was done because you love Jay so much and want to keep him safe and well cared for.
So even if what you are doing now may not be what you pictured for yourself and may have resulted in missing things you wish you hadn't missed...you did exactly what you needed to at the time and everything you have done is because you are strong, talented, incredible woman and a super wonderful mom who loves her child fiercely. That's been so clear in your posts, in what you share about Jay and your crazy cats and in the pictures you have posted, the way that you battled so hard to make sure your ex was not left alone with your child when you were uncertain if he could properly take care of his needs.
I can relate to your post although I think I am old enough to be your mom...I was a single mom for the first 5 years of my daughter's life and believe me there have been many times since then with two kids where I felt I was a single mom still or even fantasized about returning to that status because it was one less person to have to attend to and do everything for. I've worked pretty much all my adult life and although we needed the money, I went back to work when Kristen was about 4 months old because I knew I was a better mom when I wasn't feeling like I would go nuts if I didn't speak with another adult. Once they were older, I completely immersed myself in work. Yes I loved what I was doing, but I know now that I was escaping by being a workaholic. Honestly, I still haven't quite worked out what exactly I have been escaping...my behavior started before I even knew of addiction, but little by little I'm getting better and someday maybe I will understand and figure out just what I want for me.
It is totally okay for you to decide this is not what you want...Maybe it is just time to put it in low gear and just "be" for a little. You have had to be in survival mode so long, it has to be hard to even figure out how to act when you aren't fighting for safety for the two of you.
I know this is incredibly painful for you, and I too am very worried about you and hope you will speak to a doctor. Lack of sleep alone can be so incredibly damaging physically and emotionally. I posted last week that I was crashing big time...thought I was ready to get off antidepressants, but I'm not...not yet anyway. And that's okay...they help me feel normal and move forward and heal. I've had those dark thoughts...it's quite scary. I admire your courage and strength to come here and express your feelings. Please just know that I truly care and that there are many people here who love you and pray for you. You have always been there for me with your support, a hug, something to make me laugh...I hope I can return just a little of your kindness in your time of need. Let us walk with you, Never, as you go through this pain. As I've learned here and at meetings...the only way past the pain is to walk through it. Hugs and prayers.
So even if what you are doing now may not be what you pictured for yourself and may have resulted in missing things you wish you hadn't missed...you did exactly what you needed to at the time and everything you have done is because you are strong, talented, incredible woman and a super wonderful mom who loves her child fiercely. That's been so clear in your posts, in what you share about Jay and your crazy cats and in the pictures you have posted, the way that you battled so hard to make sure your ex was not left alone with your child when you were uncertain if he could properly take care of his needs.
I can relate to your post although I think I am old enough to be your mom...I was a single mom for the first 5 years of my daughter's life and believe me there have been many times since then with two kids where I felt I was a single mom still or even fantasized about returning to that status because it was one less person to have to attend to and do everything for. I've worked pretty much all my adult life and although we needed the money, I went back to work when Kristen was about 4 months old because I knew I was a better mom when I wasn't feeling like I would go nuts if I didn't speak with another adult. Once they were older, I completely immersed myself in work. Yes I loved what I was doing, but I know now that I was escaping by being a workaholic. Honestly, I still haven't quite worked out what exactly I have been escaping...my behavior started before I even knew of addiction, but little by little I'm getting better and someday maybe I will understand and figure out just what I want for me.
It is totally okay for you to decide this is not what you want...Maybe it is just time to put it in low gear and just "be" for a little. You have had to be in survival mode so long, it has to be hard to even figure out how to act when you aren't fighting for safety for the two of you.
I know this is incredibly painful for you, and I too am very worried about you and hope you will speak to a doctor. Lack of sleep alone can be so incredibly damaging physically and emotionally. I posted last week that I was crashing big time...thought I was ready to get off antidepressants, but I'm not...not yet anyway. And that's okay...they help me feel normal and move forward and heal. I've had those dark thoughts...it's quite scary. I admire your courage and strength to come here and express your feelings. Please just know that I truly care and that there are many people here who love you and pray for you. You have always been there for me with your support, a hug, something to make me laugh...I hope I can return just a little of your kindness in your time of need. Let us walk with you, Never, as you go through this pain. As I've learned here and at meetings...the only way past the pain is to walk through it. Hugs and prayers.
President
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2006
Location: on our next big adventure!
Posts: 1,253
I just want to thank everyone for their words. I do appreciate them. On the advice of a friend, I'm posting here to let everyone know that I am okay, and I will be okay. But, that I've chosen to end my journey on this site. I know I have issues that I need to work out, but in light of recent events, and other such events in the past, I've realized that this is not the place for me to work out these issues. And, I know that they are far too deep for me to work through them alone. And that it's about time that I seek professional help to try to heal at least some of it, instead of putting bandaids on it all. I thought I could do it. I really did. And I thought I was doing okay. But I'm not. So, thank you all for being a part of my life for such a long time. If anyone wants to/needs to reach me, they can pm Loves and she can give you contact info. Good luck and God bless all of you!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: NY
Posts: 204
Hi Never,
I don't know you as I'm still fairly new here, but I know all to much how you feel.
Almost everyday I look at my now teenage girls and I get those same feelings..and most often ask myself "Ok, what's next?"
If I can suggest something in addition to professional help if you so choose, can you see if you have a "Parents without Partners" support group? Before I moved I found a great group where I was and it was really therapeutic to see all the different things single parents go through and see that I wasn't alone. They have all sorts of functions and they don't just "socialize" they really help each other. I don't have one here but my sister is attending regular meetings with them and she loves it (she has 4 kids and is seperated going through a divorce)
I divorced my xhb due to his crack addiction in 2004, I thought I was totally healed but as others have mentioned, some wounds don't heal that quick, I still work on issues with a therapist and I also attend group therapy.
What your feeling is all very normal and others have and do feel it as well. Please take care of yourself, the rest will follow.
I don't know you as I'm still fairly new here, but I know all to much how you feel.
Almost everyday I look at my now teenage girls and I get those same feelings..and most often ask myself "Ok, what's next?"
If I can suggest something in addition to professional help if you so choose, can you see if you have a "Parents without Partners" support group? Before I moved I found a great group where I was and it was really therapeutic to see all the different things single parents go through and see that I wasn't alone. They have all sorts of functions and they don't just "socialize" they really help each other. I don't have one here but my sister is attending regular meetings with them and she loves it (she has 4 kids and is seperated going through a divorce)
I divorced my xhb due to his crack addiction in 2004, I thought I was totally healed but as others have mentioned, some wounds don't heal that quick, I still work on issues with a therapist and I also attend group therapy.
What your feeling is all very normal and others have and do feel it as well. Please take care of yourself, the rest will follow.
Get Caught Reading
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Not in the boonies, thank God
Posts: 1,410
((((Corine))))
Thinking of you this morning and sending you love, hugs, prayers, and lots
of support. Take care of you, girl, and when your up to it...
just stop in for an update. We all, will wanna know how your doing.
I'll miss ya and will think of you often and pray for you and J, daily.
Love to you my friend,
Linda
Thinking of you this morning and sending you love, hugs, prayers, and lots
of support. Take care of you, girl, and when your up to it...
just stop in for an update. We all, will wanna know how your doing.
I'll miss ya and will think of you often and pray for you and J, daily.
Love to you my friend,
Linda
Living in the light
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Sweet Home Serenity
Posts: 706
Good for you ((Corine)) for deciding to seek help.
Your chair is always here waiting for you should you decide to stop in again.
Wishing you all the best.
Love to you and J
Hugs
Your chair is always here waiting for you should you decide to stop in again.
Wishing you all the best.
Love to you and J
Hugs
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: NY
Posts: 2,859
Your a beautiful person inside and out!!! Dont you forget that. Glad your going to get the help you need and if you need anything at all remember we are always here for you!!! Your doing a great job and be proud of yourself. (((HUGS))) Kim
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Corine...You know we are always here and care. I'm glad you are going to get some face to face support to help you through this journey. I will always have you in my prayers...and your little guy too. Hugs
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: GO PENS
Posts: 1,151
Never,
I don't know you very well, but I am sending prayers and blessings on you and your son. I know when you get the proper help you will start to feel better. It just sounds like you are falling out of life for a while and need to get back on track. Be gentle with yourself and slowly your body and mind will heal and you will be able to be the person that you want to be for yourself and your son. Maybe you can't be the mom that you want to be right now........it's okay, sometimes moms get sick and we just need a little time and TLC to feel better. You need someone to love you and take a little time with you. Surround yourself with those kinds of people.
Take care, Sweetie.
Lo
I don't know you very well, but I am sending prayers and blessings on you and your son. I know when you get the proper help you will start to feel better. It just sounds like you are falling out of life for a while and need to get back on track. Be gentle with yourself and slowly your body and mind will heal and you will be able to be the person that you want to be for yourself and your son. Maybe you can't be the mom that you want to be right now........it's okay, sometimes moms get sick and we just need a little time and TLC to feel better. You need someone to love you and take a little time with you. Surround yourself with those kinds of people.
Take care, Sweetie.
Lo
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: pa
Posts: 260
Wow she came on here and opened her heart and soul to us and one person turned it into something very ugly. She was being honest,and somehow was brought back to "don't feel" like many of us ACOA's were told as children. That really s***ks, some people on here can do more harm by posting responses that are just harmful.
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
She was being honest,and somehow was brought back to "don't feel" like many of us ACOA's were told as children. That really s***ks,
It sure does and I really hope and pray that Never will know it is truly okay to feel and to disregard comments that are made without knowledge of the person or situation or understanding of how devastating they can be. I know it was not meant to wound, and truly appreciate the apologies to Never, but sometimes words are more painful than physical blows, especially when one is facing severe depression. I hate that this happened but it reminds me that my words too can wound and I must think first and act (or not act) , not react.
Prayers and hugs for Corrine. I hope you are feeling better my friend.
Or However You Spell It....
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Safe
Posts: 4,264
Originally Posted by AWEDA 
Wow she came on here and opened her heart and soul to us and one person turned it into something very ugly. She was being honest,and somehow was brought back to "don't feel" like many of us ACOA's were told as children. That really s***ks, some people on here can do more harm by posting responses that are just harmful.
Again........if anyone needs to or wants to get a hold of Never....please PM and I'll give you the information.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: timberlake nc
Posts: 13
i am so sorry for you....although i may not fully understand your situation, i think you are brave to state it and risk the discompassionate replies......you are in pain....pls keep reaching out....there are those who do care.....you know i heard that depression is anger turned inward......pls dont shut down....seek help
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