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Old 10-04-2007, 11:17 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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NGU.. jut so you know.. in your posts here in the past you have helped me a great deal and I thank you.

OK.. now on to YOU and what YOU want. I do not know how old your son is, but I think you need to formulate a plan on spending time with him and getting to know him. I bet you will get to know YOU in the process. You are obviously a good worker and an organized thinker. I do not think you should quit working altogether but can you cut back on the work and get you some of your own down time?

If you are angry at your life (and I have been.. Dang I look at it and tsometimes get so MAD at the time wasted..) and not happy with where you are, you can change it. The question is to do what?

Working as much as you have I am willing to bet you do not have hobbies or interests because your hobbies and interests have been work. I did that too for a number of years. Everything was work.

I had that farm and when I left I had so much free time.. and I got into all kinds of introspective depressing garbage.. Oh dear.. Dr. Phil is right.. when you stop doing something, be it work, a bad habit, eating to excess etc. you ahve to replace that behavior with something else. I stopped farming and I had a whole lot of replacing to do. I have not really accomplished full replacement but I have sure learned a lot of stuff trying to!

Get out the old writing pad and wirte down (just a list to start) things that you REALLY like to do (sleeping BTW does NOT count! ). Stuff you enjoy. It may be little things but start there and formulate another plan.. on how to expand on one or two of those things to see if you really like them that much. You can try some credit free class at a community college that is associated with these things.

Between your son and trying a new hobby or hobbies and work you will find your way.

One thing I like is that you got ANGRY at a response here. That is a GOOD sign.

If you find you really CANNOT do anything. If you feel paralyzed by depression, you probably would benefit from some professional intervention. Go see a physician and maybe a course of anti depressants will help you. I am not a fan of this but that is for me, not for others. These things have helped a lot of people.

Keep on keepin' on and know you are not the only one who has hit this wall. Be glad you see the wall and can take a proactive stance and get over, through it or whatever it takes.

((((NGU))))
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Old 10-04-2007, 11:18 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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(((never))) I'm sorry you're struggling and feeling so much pain, I hope you'll see a doctor for the depression. It sounds like you're hurting so much.

I still have occasional days when I question my place on this earth, why God wanted me to suffer at all, what his will and purpose for me is in this life.

On the days when I have custody of my children God answers that question. He wants me to love them with all my heart, to protect them at all costs, and to share my life with them in recovery to the best of my ability. For now, that's all I have to know.

As for my career, it's merely a paycheck to put food on our table and keep a roof over our heads. My satisfaction in life comes from the gift of being of service in recovery, from having an amazing faith and trust in God, and most of all from the smiles, laughs, and love that I share with my children.

Prayers going out for you.......
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Old 10-04-2007, 11:25 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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Hi Never, Im sorry your in a low state. I ahve been there so many times myself.

I cannot stand when people raise their opinions saying "we" are pawning our kids off on others to raise. I have 3 wonderful children, I too have missed alot by working since each was 3 weeks old, but we do what we ahve to do to raise them. In this day mothers have to work, some 2 jobs to provide for their children and you have done a wonderful job. Over the past year you have spent alot of great quality time with J. You have been able to do wonderful things with him because of your job, never let anyone take that from you. You have put him first, as you take off work when he's ill and for doctor appointments ect. As well as he's not with strangers when you work, he's with your mom. You are a wonderful mom and have much to show for it, you took yourself and J out of a potentially dangerous situation as well.

Please do not let others comments get to you. They dont know you or the situation at all, generally when people express things in that way they are tasking anothers inventory which as Ive learned in alanon taking anothers inventory brings a mirror image of your own flaws, so take what you need and leave the rest.

Honestly it is hard to go from busy and working alot with others to home all the time, you need outside stimulation and so does your son. Its how life is and how it works well.

before I had children I was a childs portrait photographer. people came for miles to ahve me work with their kids cause I could be goofy enough to make a small one smile and get a cranky 2 year old to laught just long enough to get a good picture. Somewhere after I had my oldest son (almost 10) I forgot how to laugh, forgot how to play. I hate it Ive analyzed it alot and know alot of it was I suddenly had responsibilities so I sorta forgot how to do both and that is something I work at every day, finding the time to have joy and fun with my children no matter how stressed, tired or sick I am.
Ive read your posts about J, Ive seen your pictures, you do take a lot of time with him and bond well. Depression comes when we change our patterns and begin to feel lost. Is it possible to work part time right now or volunteer and still spend the extra time with your son?

I have found learning to get to know me was easier when done in baby steps, true recovery is emotional and that is very normal, try to find joy in the little things.

Many of us moms have missed so much of our children by working to properly provide for them, we just have to reach a balance and it can be done.

Hugs
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Old 10-04-2007, 11:38 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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(((never)))

I admire you for your strength to post your deepest feelings. That's a very hard thing to do. For me, I realized, my workaholic state came from me running away from my life. I also don't remember alot of my kids special moments. I was either working, or so tired. Thank God for cameras. Please, keep talking, and if the feelings don't get better, see a doctor. You don't have to stay on anti-depressants forever. Just to get you over the hump. Please don't ever feel that you have done wrong by your child. You did the best you could, and I applaud you for getting out of situation you were in. In my view, you are such a strong woman, who just happens to need a break from being strong.

I am thinking of you, and hope you feel better.
XXXOOO
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Old 10-04-2007, 11:39 AM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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Well....it sounds to me like you have gotten your life together ..and..you have come to realize what you missed out on all those years...you can't get back what you lost but you go certainly make up for it by making the rest of the years count. On another note, I am really worried about your depression and throughs of hurting yourself especially since you do work with children on a daily basis. I would honestly say that you need to seek professional help with your depression. I know...i don't like going to drs and talking about my problems because I always feel that I am strong enough to handle everything thrown my way...but...in a case such as yours..where you are awful drepressed....that would be my suggestion.
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Old 10-04-2007, 11:41 AM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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NGU... I hope you can see that there are many of us here, with more than one opinion.

Your comments about the gun scare me. Please let me know you are all right.



What I discovered as I work through recovery is that the "ISM" of alcoholism is alive and well inside me. My sponsor suggested early that I might keep an eye out for other obessive behaviors... as her sponsor had suggested to her.

I thought she was nuts. I came to Alanon to fix my kid - not look for crap in me. But as I got better, I remembered her warning... and whaddya know? I found some.

Mine are gambling, pills, alcohol and addiction to alcoholic/addicts. My sponsor's are workaholism, alcohol and addiction to addicts.

ALL the obsessions exist because they take us away from pain. It does not surprise me that you are discovering that your work was one of them. And I don't think you should be so danged hard on yourself.

Perfectionism is a trait I've seen in almost every one of my Alanon buddys. We all set the bar too danged high... that includes work, parenting, relationships... we all tend to believe there is "the right way" and "total failure"... without a lot in between.

What has helped me most in this path of self-discovery was a Tradition Study my sponsor started three years ago. I mean, the 12 steps are good and all... but the TRADITIONS are all about how I relate to others. So about 4 or 5 of us met at her home with the Paths to Recovery Alanon book and we would read a chapter and then share from our own experience, strength and hope using the questions at the end of the chapter as a guide. Very simple format.

Do you think you can hook up with some program friends for one Saturday a month for something like this? It doesn't take a lot of time in program to do it, and I found it sooooooo helpful.

It helped me to see ME more clearly.

Your fears are real... but they are not necessarily based on truth and can change over time.

As I continue my recovery, my awareness grows.... a lot. Sometimes, we get awareness of something before we figure out how to deal with it. It sounds to me like you are in such a place.

If you can't get to a meeting, or if you don't do face to face meetings, why not write out all your fears? All the ways you believe you've failed, are failing and might fail... in detail. Write out all the possible outcomes, the things that make you blush with shame and guilt.... then burn them.

I've done such an exercise... and it made me feel very much better. A friend of mine mentioned that burning them is a way to give such problems over to your higher power to work on. I find that comforting.


Please know you are in my prayers and thoughts at this very minute... and please check back in. I am worried about you.


((((Nevergivingup)))))
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Old 10-04-2007, 11:46 AM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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Undue pain? Who the f do you think you are? Who are you to presume anything? In no way and at no point did I ever even remotely state that my child was not well taken care of. I work my ars off to ensure that he goes to the best private school on long island. He is there full day and any cases that I have after his school time, he comes with me. If you have issues with how you raised your children, keep it to yourself. And as for his father. You're absolutely right. Let's send him off to heroine addicted father who not only beat me, but beat his child. And before you jump the gun... I left. I left the relationship and tried my hardest to keep that sob out of my child's life. The only reason he's even remotely in my son's life is because the courts have ordered it.
All parents have regrets. None of us are perfect. If we were we certainly wouldn't be posting on a "soberrecovery" website. Being a single mom is incredible hard and draining. Sounds like you've done everything you can to provide for your son. There's no shame in being emotionally drained, depressed or needing help. I encourage you to find a counselor or see a doctor to get help for your depression. At least talk it over with someone on a more personal level than on the internet.

Get help. You are worth it & your son is worth it. It's not to late to fill that void.
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Old 10-04-2007, 11:56 AM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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never, hang on and remember too all the wonderful, though very difficult, things you've accomplished and all you've provided for Jay. You've had so much courage to leave xah, go through all the court difficulties, working hard to pay bills and I recall very well how you've fought hard for Jay's best interests and loved him. Please be very gentle with yourself.
Please check back in. I'm very concerned about you. We care.
Hugs

Last edited by frankie_b; 10-04-2007 at 12:14 PM.
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Old 10-04-2007, 11:58 AM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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Well...first of all...here's a big old hug from one single mom to another (((((((((((NGU))))))))))))

Its not easy.
In fact, its pretty damn hard somedays.
And I've often struggled with thoughts about how did I get here? How in the world did I end up a single, struggling mom? Its not what I had in mind.

Be proud of yourself. Be very, very proud of yourself. You got yourself and your sweet little boy out of a very bad situation and that, my friend, took REAL courage and strength. Your son is so lucky to have such a smart, hardworking, loving mom in his corner. We codies can be so dang hard on ourself sometimes. Sometimes it seems like nothing we ever do could possibly be enough. Somedays, no matter how far I've come since the dark days, I feel like I'll always be struggling...like it will always be an uphill battle. But usually, when I feel that way, its because I'm tired and I need to get some rest and find some time to do something just for me.

I really hope that you'll consider seeing a Dr. about your depression (at least, it sounds like depression). Reaching out for help doesn't make you weak. Depression is a chemical imbalance and there are medications that can help you get your ship back on course. Have you thought about going in for some counseling? It can't hurt.

Whatever you decide to do, I hope you take a minute and think about all of the things you've done right over the last few years. Think about how much better off you are today than you were when things were at their worst. And know that better days are in store for you. Your too smart, too funny, too strong, and too loving of a mom to have things go any other way. You're just going thru a difficult time right now but things WILL get better. They really will. And I'm so glad you're reching out here...to people who understand...for support.

Sending hugs and support...
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Old 10-04-2007, 12:05 PM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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(((Never))))
Not once did I hear you say you don't love your son. You're probably a very good mom who's at a low point in your life. Just unhappy about alot of things that you now have the time to focus on.
You couldn't very well focus on what direction you were going in when you were so busy.

I also had children, worked and went to college all at the same time. Mainly for survival, and also to be able to provide for my sons if ever I ended up rasing them alone. Heaven knows I feel their lives went by in a flash, and like you, I remember very little.

So, what's the answer? Perhaps seeing a counselor, or someone you can spill it all out to? Maybe decide what you would like to do now? IMO, seeing a counselor an help you identify why you're beating up on yourself so much.

I also like BigSis's idea of writing and burning...a catharsis...

Also,...it takes extraordinary people to care for challenged people, I know for a fact it's something I could never do. You deserve alot of kudos for a job well done. I'm sure the parents of your students appreciate all you've done.

Hugs to you,
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Old 10-04-2007, 12:36 PM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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This may sound too simplistic .... but, it helps ME to get active .... to turn off all the televisions .... get outside ... PLAY with my boys .... outside .... treat myself to healthy snacks .... mega-vitamins ( evenol.com ) ..... spend time with others in recovery ! .... read .... Depression (and, this is only MY experience) is driven by our physiology (posture, level of activity, even facial expressions ! ) .... GET ACTIVE, GET HEALTHY, TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF ... and at least start THINKING about loving yourself !
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Old 10-04-2007, 12:55 PM
  # 32 (permalink)  
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NGU, I hid in my work, often staying late so I didn't have to go home and face reality. I hid in helping my mother who was dying at the time and all the time I was hiding, I stuffed the pain wayyyy down deep inside where nobody could see it.

We moved, my work was non-existent at the time, my son relapsed and I fell into the darkest hole I have ever been in. Call it depression, call it facing reality, whatever you call it, it hurt so much I was afraid to cry because I thought if I started I would never stop.

I worked my way through it with the help of this program and all my support people, but if that had not worked I would have sought professional help because I've never been closer to "crazy" in my life. I needed help.

I share this because, like me, you have done nothing wrong, you are a good mom and I know you love your child. You are a good person with bad pain that needs to get out.

I don't have all the answers, and I'm sorry that reaching out here got off to a bad start. But apologies have been made and we are all here for you. Also, live meetings may help you, seriously, maybe give them a try. And perhaps some counseling might help too. Just know that there IS help for you and there is nothing wrong with asking for it.

Keep sharing, we care and we're here for you.

Hugs
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Old 10-04-2007, 01:37 PM
  # 33 (permalink)  
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Smile Child, college, work, & a single parent...

Hi Nevergiveup,

I did the same as you except I only worked half a day. It was hard but I wasn't going to give up. I had a 12 year old daughter that had been diagnosed with Juvenile Diabetes the year before, and her Dad could care less if he provided her medical insurance. He had the bare-bones of Champus Insurance...he was retired military..retired before I met him. This insurance wouldn't pay for any of the educational needs she and I needed to manage her diabetes so I got her on medicaid through the state too.

I had quit drinking the year before I went back to college...My goal was to get a BA in Psychology and get a better job with better insurance so I could provide everything she needed. I did manage this, with my clinical depression also, but was so tired. We spent evenings together after I went to my AA Meeting....sometimes I took her with me if she was having complications.

I still had two months of college left when I got hired by the local County Mental Health Center. I had 10 years continuing work with the elderly and this job was to work into a Geriatric Mental Health Counselor working with people in their own homes with depression/grieving issues/ & behavior problems...some with alcohol problems.

I never dreamed I would have such a job..my very favorite population to work with was the Elderly...they had so much wisdom and life experiences that would make me feel a little small when it came to my experiences.

My daughter and I had our ups and downs as it usually is with teenagers with hormones running wild through their bodies and her fluctuating moods with her diabetes and depression. When she was 16, we were sitting in the car, and she looked at me and said: "Mom I am sorry if I caused you too much worry the past couple of years." That was so heartwarming and special to me. I have never forgotten that day! I had four other children...all adults with the next youngest in the Navy. I was older when I had this daughter and we shared a lot of life experiences and made it through it all. It wasn't the end of the world if I was too tired to go out to dinner or if I had to go to my AA Meeting first for my salvation.

I have been sober and taking medication for my depression for 19 years now. I am in a very good & stable place. The past year has been the best ever for me. I am now 67 and my youngest daughter is 30. We have come a long way!!!!

There has been some good advice here...I just felt I needed to share some of my experience, strength, and hope with you. You are a very special lady that may have tried too hard for your son and didn't take some time for just you. I had to learn that the hard way....just like you are now. I had to quit my job when I was 60 due to my depression and arthritis and I didn't want to. I had planned to work as long as they would let me but I am satisfied with my retirement and my husband & I do lots of things together....BTW he is my first husband....we remarried six years ago.

kelsh
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Old 10-04-2007, 02:04 PM
  # 34 (permalink)  
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Never, I am so sorry for how you are feeling but remember we all have been there one way or another.

Just yesterday i felt completely frustrated with everything and everyone in my life and I questioned why I even had kids. It happens we are human and its hard whenwe are doing everyone alone.

Don't let one persons comments get to you so bad... I am sure he doesnt know you or your history.

Never, know that I understand and care about you.

Hugs,
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Old 10-04-2007, 02:16 PM
  # 35 (permalink)  
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((NGU))
I too suffer from depression, so I understand how you feel. I also felt like putting a gun to my head. The reason I didn't is because I did not want anyone else to win. I had to win. I am on meds for my depression, that is what is best for me. You Love your son, we know that. Please take some time and find someone you can really talk to, a friend, someone from church etc. Go to your doctor. Your body is telling you that you need some rest, take the time for YOU!!!!! You have been to HE** and back with your ex, and you had to do what you did for your son to have a better life. Now take some time for the two of you. If he is in school do something just for you, when he is home do something together, even if it is watching a movie, talk to him. You know all this since you deal with children all the time. I am proud of you and what you have done.
Hugs coming to you
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Old 10-04-2007, 02:32 PM
  # 36 (permalink)  
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(((never)))
I hope to hear from you soon, please be kind to yourself- and know that so many here DO understand and care about you very much.
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Old 10-04-2007, 02:38 PM
  # 37 (permalink)  
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((Corine))

My closest, dearest and most precious friend.........I love you with all my heart and it hurts me to see you going through an ounce of this pain. If I could take it all away from you I would do it in a second.

You were one of the first people I met here on SR and we "clicked". We've been so very close since and I've seen you go through more pain and struggle than one human being could possibly stand without losing it.

Each and every time you put your best foot forward and you made it through......never waivering.......never giving up........which is how your name on here came to be. You've fought and fought .........you've fought so very hard to make a better life for you and your son. You've been such a wonderful mother. Even with all the long hours at work you have always taken the time with Jay and all you have to do is look at his pictures to see what a happy little boy he is........to see how very loved he is. You gave him that.........you and you alone.

Let me tell you a true but embarrassing story. I had moved to Mississippi with Shank a few years back. My youngest daughter was with her father. He wouldn't allow her to go with me. I was gone maybe 6 months but while at a local store back here in Florida this little girl came running up to me.......I didn't recognize her. It was my own daughter. She had grown so much........and changed so much.........for that split second I actually didn't know her! It took a long time to forgive myself for that and although she never knew it......I know it......and it hurts because you would think a parent would know their own child.

My point is..........a lot of us have lost time with their child.......at least everyone but me could probably recognize theirs........sigh.......

There's moments we can't get back even though we wish we could do things over. What's important is where we are now, what we're doing now and being able to forgive ourselves for whatever it is we're not happy we did........or didn't do.

You have so much to be proud of.......and you already know how proud I am of you because I tell you all the time!

You've really got me worried about you. Normally you and I can joke our way out of what we're going through but this post is so different from all the rest.

Please......PLEASE......my best best friend.......don't give up on yourself. Lets try and see this thing through together like we have everything else.

If you need to see someone on a professional level please go. If you need someone to yell at, yell at me. If you need someone outside of the situation to talk to, vent to or whatever......I'm ALWAYS here for you no matter what. You're my other half......remember........we share a brain!! More than anything........you're my friend and I care about you and Jay. Please know ......no matter what.......no matter what time it is, what day it is..........I'm here and I love you!
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Old 10-04-2007, 03:17 PM
  # 38 (permalink)  
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never.................finding out that you arent sure who you are or what you want is tough I think many of us have gone or are going thru this..........it sucks we spend our lives living for others and somehow we end up empty.....

You arent alone we're here and you can vent away and FEEL safe saying what you truely think and feel NOONE here has the right or the room to judge!!!

Try to remember .....the rainbow comes AFTER the storm
this is your storm sweetheart, and hold tight until you see that beautiful rainbow

YOU ARE a great MOM, I KNOW this I have been reading your posts forever...........little J is lucky to have you!!!! As are the children and families you work with..........

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((NEVER))))))))))))))) ))))))))))))))))))))
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Old 10-04-2007, 03:34 PM
  # 39 (permalink)  
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(((NGU))) I so admire what a strong young woman you are. Just as your screenname says...you don't give up...never. What you have done for yourself & your son is so amazing. I remember pictures you posted not all that long ago when you both were at some amusment park. A child is much better off getting one good hour a day out af a parent rather than 5 hours where the parent is unatentive. Look at the awesome example you have set for him. That if you have a dream..go after it & it can be yours. That hard work pays off. That you can do anything you set your mind to. What about the kids who are scheduled so tight, you know soccor, violin, scouts, LAX non stop. They can't even sit down together as a family for a meal because they are constentily running. I hope you see that you have done good & enjoy the time you have. Hugs
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Old 10-04-2007, 04:40 PM
  # 40 (permalink)  
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(((((((((((((Corine)))))))))))))))


I wanna quote just about everybody on here that knows ya. lol
I'll just say, "yeah,what they said."
I love ya and have missed you being around much. I remember when I first came here, how you comforted me and made me feel so at ease with talking about my situation with my own J. You've gone through so much and shared it here...with your sr family, there is no reason why you can't share here with how your feeling now. Those of us who know you best, know you best. lol
Did that not make a bit o' sense or what? You can talk to most of us about anything, anytime. You know that. I'm here if you need me.
I love ya, Never. I've been where you are pretty friggin' often in the last 20 years.
Just know your not alone. Never alone at sr.
I'm praying for you, sweetie, and I mean it...
If you need me, you pm me and I'll give ya my home number.
We can bs all night long.
Yours truly,
Linda
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