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Old 10-03-2007, 12:09 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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thank you nytepassion
the hardest part for me is for him to keep repeating these statements trying to make excuses - telling his mom & others that he really needs to talk to someone calling his problems " relationship problems" Any problem we ever had was started by drugs & lies. Every single one.
It hurts because I know his mom wants to believe that, I know other mutual friends dont know his secrets. I know that I shouldn't care, I know that it's important that I KNOW the truth. But it still burns to know he's driving around today saying what he's saying. the betrayal is brutal.
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Old 10-03-2007, 12:22 PM
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Drug Addiction Has No Mercy
 
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I understand how painful that must be for you .. but the truth will reveal itself in time .. Today he is driving around saying whatever it is that will take the focus off his addiction and put it else where .. He has a problem and that problem he is an addict .. and until he is truly ready to get into recovery he will blame anyone and everyone .. as well as anything and everything else for HIS problems ..

Right now .. try not to let yourself be consumed with what he is or isn't saying .. You know deep down in your heart what the truth is ... and yes, that is all that matters.

I remember how frustrating it was for me when my ex's family blamed me for why he was like he was ... it hurt and cut to the core .. but I had to let it go in order for me to go on and live ... I couldn't let it keep me bound or tie me down ... What others thought couldn't matter anymore .. because when it came down to it .. there was what he said, what others thought and The truth .. I knew the truth ... and that was all that mattered ... Eventually as he spiraled down further and further .. the truth reveal itself...

**{hang in there}}
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Old 10-03-2007, 12:33 PM
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Ditto... everythng you just said I say... My ah says the same things its my fault I never look at what I do wrong. So I have to agree with the others. And no matter what his family will always blame you, its easier that way... I am use to that as well. So your not alone... Keep your head up and stay focused on you... And I will try to do the same.
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Old 10-03-2007, 12:34 PM
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Relish how wonderful it is to NOT have to deal with him and his issues for a day .. bask in how good it feels to pamper yourself and meet your needs for a change...


-- I think I'll start here.
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Old 10-03-2007, 12:54 PM
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Originally Posted by Selah View Post
The last words I heard were "Babe, I am so sorry. I wanted to marry you. I love you so much, I wanted nothing else but to live the rest of my life with you. I'm sorry you don't understand addiction and you're leaving me. I'm so sorry."
All YOUR fault again, huh? He's not doing anything wrong. YOU just don't understand addiction. And if you hadn't insisted on your boundaries, he wouldn't have relapsed. All your fault.

Quack.

Quack.

Quack.

I'm so sorry Selah. You know better than this, right? (assume you do) It's so sad when they show so much promise but it turns out to be just another carefully orchestrated act put on by an addict.

Give yourself time, and rest, and make a plan. Remember that you can take whatever steps you're comfortable with, big or small. Some distance might be good...it doesn't mean you write him off forever, just that you're needing to protect yourself and your own happiness. Little steps.

Hugs,
GL
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Old 10-03-2007, 01:04 PM
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givelove - thank you.
I do know better, I just don't feel better

thank you for making me feel at ease, that choices are available and reminding me to take little steps -- right now though I dont feel very strong and I think the only way to find that strength is to be alone...and have no contact. I just don't feel like being beat up anymore. I keep feeling like maybe I was too hard on him, maybe it was pointless to become that upset. I know it wouldn't changed anything...but it's still running around in my head.

Is it really weird to think that maybe his brain is messed up permanently from these drugs? I mean you're nervous system, your brain thingies(for lack of a better word) aren't used for so long...do they forget how? aren't they permanently damaged?
I just looked at him in utter disgust last night, wondering how he became that way.

I once watched this special on mtv about this girl who partied & did a lot of ecstacy in college. They did a brain scan and she literally had holes in her head. So sad.
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Old 10-03-2007, 01:09 PM
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I think both of my sisters had brain damage by the time their addictions had run their course. I'm convinced of it, actually....and the science pretty much backs up the facts of how your brain chemistry -- how it makes itself happy and sad, how it heals -- is permanently screwed up by drug abuse. But would that knowledge have changed anything about what my family had to do to protect ourselves from their addictions? Not a bit. If anything, it just made me sadder. It's just so sad and sick.

You're right in the thick of it, Selah...I wish I could say something that would make you feel better right now, but I can't. You're in the hard spot, the breaking spot. My only condolence, besides this big hug (((( )))) is that if you protect yourself and stay detached from him and focused on YOU, each day will get easier and easier.

It's just like recovering from a surgery. You don't expect to be pain free right after the anesthesia wears off...but if you do the right things, and treat the wound with great tenderness, each day is better and better. If you don't keep it bandaged, or let other people get it dirty, or mess with the stitches, then you DON'T keep getting better. And for now...well...that's why we always talk about doing things that are distracting. It helps us get through these "unavoidably hard" times...reading, movies, baths, spending time with friends, classes, anything that occupies your mind & keeps it from wandering back to that room full of "what ifs".

We love you Selah
GL
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Old 10-03-2007, 01:28 PM
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i hate the what ifs...oh do I hate them. I keep thinking what if I just had reported his drug dealers...but I was afraid they would hurt me or his family. what if I left him sooner, it wouldn't hurt so much. what if I never find that love again.
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Old 10-03-2007, 02:44 PM
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God, I do too. Stay clear of the what ifs. They don't do you or anyone else any good. Try to keep your mind busy with other stuff - yank if away from there as soon as you realize you're "going there."

What if you had turned in his dealers? You might have ended up dead and he might have just found another dealer. There's always another dealer.

What if you'd left sooner? You may never have been sure that it was the right thing to do.

What if you never find that love again? First off: you will. You know how I know this? Because I went through the same thing, the same thoughts, the same horrors. And my HP saw fit to steer me to a love fifty times better than that EVER was (and I'm old n' ugly!!! ) And secondly: What love? He doesn't even love himself. You've been kind and patient and loving with him, and he not only couldn't reciprocate for more than a couple of days, he's out there telling people it's YOUR fault he's an addict. If you never find that again, you'll be doing well imho ! (You're idealizing the good times, but that's okay; we all do it)

You will be okay, Selah. We sometimes need to let go of things that aren't serving us, or which are doing a mediocre job of it, in order to make room for the things that WiLL serve us. Sometimes you find joy by slicing away everything that ISN'T joyful. It's painful as heck, and I'm so sorry you're going through it. But just over the little hill -- this hill you can't see over yet -- is a life with someone who treasures you, far away from addiction and it's hellish days and nights.

Have faith in you, and in what your HP dropped you here for.
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Old 10-04-2007, 07:03 AM
  # 30 (permalink)  
the girl can't help it
 
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(((((Sela)))))

Of course an addict wants to blame someone else for their choices cause that's just what they do...

I ask you if he doesn't feel any responsibility for his actions why is it that you would feel like it is your fault?

When he takes responsibility and all his actions show that maybe he will be healthy. I think the hole an addict digs takes a long time to fill and it is easier to fall back in and start digging than it is to walk away from the pull. The hole is like their own special magnet just for them.

They are our magnet. There is a responsibility that we need to take. If you have asked this man not to call you obviously you are not taking responsibility for something. Your word does not stand with him he has seen that he can break you down. You could put a stop to it. You have no control over what he does to himself or otheres but you do have control over your domain if you will take it.
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Old 10-04-2007, 07:27 AM
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Givelove - thank you for breaking things down, you're so right. I think I'll reread your post all day

Splendra - That is the one thing I did say to him was that I take blame for not holding my word the other times I set boundaries and allowed them to be stepped on. But other than that I do not deserve what I've gone through.

Soo I'm doing surprisingly well this morning, just keep reading what you guys wrote, reading my book about codependency - and out of 30 some missed calls & text messages I only talked to him a couple of times.And I absolutely refused to see him while he begged to come over. I felt as though while he was not on drugs I owed it to him to tell him that I was leaving and why. Needless to say I was wrong, he just started crying his eyes out, telling me he's trying and repeating 'please dont give up on me.' I believe he is sick, he is trying but I explained to him that I had given up on myself and that whether I'm there or not he's going to use...but I'm gonna start taking care of myself now.
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Old 10-04-2007, 12:59 PM
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Selah, you're great !!!!!

(keep reading that over and over too )
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Old 10-04-2007, 03:58 PM
  # 33 (permalink)  
Or However You Spell It....
 
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Hi Selah! I'm getting in here a bit late too, but I'm another who left her ABF.....and struggled through all the emotional ups and downs. I've been away from him for well over a year now and I'm here to tell you........It does get better.
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Old 10-04-2007, 04:20 PM
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You want insentive my ***** is Kitten_AJX1...add me I will strip naked and show you incentive....it is called stabbed 9 times 2 broken hips and a broken pelvic bone because I wouldn't take him and his drugs back................for yourself you have to do this!!!! No one else and quit thinking( it is that stinkin thinkin that gets us every time) I can save(help ) him....only he can maybe when he realizes he messed it up for good only then may he get the help he needs so badly
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Old 10-04-2007, 04:21 PM
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Originally Posted by Lovestoomuch View Post
Hi Selah! I'm getting in here a bit late too, but I'm another who left her ABF.....and struggled through all the emotional ups and downs. I've been away from him for well over a year now and I'm here to tell you........It does get better.
AMEN!!!!! It has been 3 years and I feel so much stronger!!!
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Old 10-05-2007, 08:07 AM
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lovestoo much, wldkatz - thank u for reminding me where it could lead to if I dont stand strong now. he has bene calling my friends claiming he wants to die and he might kill him self(and they dont know the extend of his illness so they question my leaving). I feel bad but for the first time I just keep saying ' well that's his choice' if he wants to choose another negative solution, so be it.
He's a muscian and two days ago he played a show - whereafter he called me and said he didn't drink/smoke - nothing -- I just sd well that's great.
Last night I run into the bar owner where the show was, he was kind of questioning me if my xabf was "ok" b/c he was so messed up that he kept him 1.5 hrs after the bar closed before he would let him leave. lies...lies...lies...
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Old 10-05-2007, 11:11 AM
  # 37 (permalink)  
the girl can't help it
 
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((((Selah)))))

I agree you do not deserve the stuff your ex is dishing out.

I don't know if your ex has contacted you today. If he has I wonder if there is a way for you to screen your calls for a few weeks so maybe he will get a message to leave you alone.

I think if you talk to him at all it gives him a message that you are not done yet.( I have gone thru something similar with all the addicts in my life there are 5 of them)

I have dealt with my family members better than I have with my H. My family does not really bother me too much anymore. But my H is another story. We have broken up several times every time he got back into my life was because I kept talking to him and listening to friends talk about where they had seen him. I really wish I had gotten very detached from him and not taken his calls or listened to what friends were saying about him. Eventually I got around to living with him again or letting him live with me. He has shown me and is still showing me that he has no intention of getting clean or changing any thing.He doesn't want to get his stuff together. I can't tell you how disappointed I am in myself for allowing it to go on.

I have tried all kinds of things with him from the way things look right now I am sure I would have been enfinatly better off had i been really determined to let him go...

Here is hoping you can hang in there.
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Old 10-05-2007, 12:15 PM
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I couldn't agree more but here is where I get lost in my decisions.....
I would've stuck it out if I thought he was actively seeking help. But he wasn't, when he did go to meetings or counseling it was for a short stint only when I started giving him a hard time and he thought he might lose me. I don't want to be his motivation, but the fact that I am...makes me wonder if that gives him the opportunity to find a better life.
At this point, once again, he is taking daily drug tests & going to two meetings a day, this would have to continue for quite some time before I would get back with him. The releif i have felt in the last fews days is amazing...
I guess my fear is I leave. He gets clean. I refused to be in contact with him....and then I lost the love of my life. What if he does die, no matter how much I learn to detach I am sure it would break my heart to know he died alone, or without knowing I loved him b/c I coldy shut him out.
I would love to believe everything happens for a reason but I'm just not there yet...
I will just continue day by day until I truely feel he has made the commitment to fight his addiction.
Regardless I am not going to see him or talk to him...he has to know I'm serious.
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Old 10-05-2007, 12:41 PM
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You are such a strong person! My prayers go out to you! I wish I could do the same.
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Old 10-05-2007, 12:45 PM
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I don't consider it strong...I just think I am at a point where I won't take it anymore...I couldn't live with a broken heart everyday. I walked away so it can heal
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