dazednconfuse

My AH and I are currently separated and quickly on our way to divorce due to his painkiller addiction. Our house is up for sale, and we had a number of things to do for it over the weekend, including meeting with our realtor. He completely stood us up, and went MIA all day - wouldn't answer my calls/texts. He finally texted me last night and said he's in a "deep depression." I've seen him in the dumps before, but I wouldn't have characterized his state so bleakly. I admit I'm concerned. On one hand, I feel like I've worried about him and his needs for the better part of our marriage - its time to worry about me and let him take care of himself. But on the other hand, what if something terrible happens and I didn't reach out? Or at least tip off his (highly disfunctional) family that someone should check on him?

I can't help but question his intentions. Is he truly depressed and in need of help? If so, he should probably dial the phone number to the therapist he was given weeks ago and hasn't used. Or is this just another tactic to get my attention or get out of doing something he doesn't want to do? Addicts are so manipulative, how's a girl to tell?

rahsue

stop beating yourself up over it, you deserve peace, let him deal with his depression. Sorry if I sound cruel but you're getting a divorce and selling your house, it's time for you isn't it? I wish I could get myself to the divorce stage (my addict is my son)
good luck to you

LearningHusband

Those addicts sure know how to manipulate - and we jump right in with them! What if, what if, what if......

gedaboston

a lot of people who start with pain killers end with heroin. he might be already doing it if he's MIA. looks like you are on a good track - getting divorced. don't look back, take care of yourself. he'll do, say anything to get our attention. depression is just a cover up... painkillers are not ment to be for depression treatment.

raerae6

has he been depressed before? he might have "dual diagnosis"-depression plus addiction. I guess it wouldn't hurt to alert his family to the fact that he is very depressed....

cece

I understand well how hard it is to deal with a depressed individual. It is equally as frustrating as an addict. I can't imagine having to deal with both at the same time. My husband is not an addict but he suffers from depression and won't do anything about it.( because of this we are separated) My son is the addict. BUT... I was handling both the same way. My husband often used me when he was in a deep depression mode to pull him out. I did for many years. And he often blamed me for it.Thats why he has never got help for it. just like my son i enabled my husband's problem by trying to fix it. I found that when I dealt with my husband the same way as my son, he is now slowly... accepting responsibility for his recovery. I agree your husband needs help but if its not his idea... Maybe he is depressed because he is realizing how screwed up his life is (?) I know it is hard. Depressed individuals, as well as addicts are at a risk for hurting themselves. But remember, you didn't cause it, can't control it, and can't cure it. Sure you can tell his family, I did. It just had another batch of people trying to fix it for him. So my prayers are for you. I do know how hard it is to detach in this situation. My husband called me once to tell me he was ending his life. I told him he knew how to get help, he didn't have to feel this way, its his choice. But when I hung up I just bawled!!! He called the next day to apologize. Again, my prayers are with you!

caileesnana

I have decided the two go hand in hand! Depression runs in our family, most of us overeat. My AD is diagnosed w/ major depression and PTSD. She self medicates, becomes and addict adn they cycle begins.

So, if we can treat the depression, lift the mood and brain receptors, proper detox, maybe some of the addiction relapses could be lessened. I don't really know, but I know more should be done to figure it out!

dazednconfuse

I honestly don't know if he suffers from depression, or if he's depressed due to the drug abuse. His mood swings were NEVER like this when we dated - they barely even existed. I mean, no more than the "good day/bad day" stuff. I dont' know what to think anymore, but the underlying theme to your replies is:

NOT MY PROBLEM.

If I thought he was in serious danger, I'd most certainly contact his family. But there's a possibility that he's just trying to get out of yardwork. Manipulation at its best...

cece1960

Maybe you could remind him, everytime he brings it up that he has a counselor to talk to about this.
My son was "diagnosed" as bi-polar while in detox. They knew him for all of about 1/2 hour.
He was addicted to heroin and in detox...of course he would display bi-polar type behavior.
I think its virtually impossible to diagnose an active addict with any certainty when it comes to this stuff.
But again, he is the only one who can reach out and accept help.
There's little you can do to help.
(((Hugs)))
Cece

caileesnana

Cece--you are correct. I learned at the last rehab that for at least 6-12 months after last use a correct diagnosis can't be determined.

kj21

I would tell his family and let them decide if they want to become involved.