An Analogy
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Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
An Analogy
I woke up this AM from a dream and in the dream were both my X husband and my XABF.
In part of the dream I tried to talk to my XABF but he was so angry he would not speak to me and I didn't really care.. I just walked away and shook my head.
Later in my dream my X husband showed up and he told me he had two gifts for me and I had to make a choice. Neither was a gift I wanted but I chose one and in the gift were keys to a brand new (really compact but cheap to run) car! He said he was making amends in recovery but as he did so he changed into my XABF.
Fortunately, b4 this got any crazier, Oliver came and stomped on me to wake up and feed him his kitty food breakfast!
The interesting thing in all this is how I felt upon waking. I had made an analogy.. my XABF and my X husband were both the same person. It did not matter that one had a PhD in Physics and the other had a GED and was a self taught photographer. It did not matter that one man was German and the other a Jew.
There were no differences as both were addicts. Both did the things addicts do and both would need to do the same paths if they had chosen or were to choose recovery. Of course, X husband cannot choose recovery since he is deceased.
I have been very at peace this weekend. I have spent time outside in absolutely beautiful and inspiring fall weather. I have spent a lot of time with my dog and I have visited with friends.
I do not know what that dream meant or any of the rest. I do know that I woke up from it knowing that addiction is a great leveler.
Addiction is not unlike a spider. Once a person is caught in its web he or she becomes nothing more than another similar thread bound bundle lost in there paralyzed by the venom from that very powerful spider.
Not everyone in the web succombs to the spider. Some escape that tangled web.
I say a prayer for their escape. All of them.
I say a prayer even as I maintain my detachment from them and their web and the spider.
In part of the dream I tried to talk to my XABF but he was so angry he would not speak to me and I didn't really care.. I just walked away and shook my head.
Later in my dream my X husband showed up and he told me he had two gifts for me and I had to make a choice. Neither was a gift I wanted but I chose one and in the gift were keys to a brand new (really compact but cheap to run) car! He said he was making amends in recovery but as he did so he changed into my XABF.
Fortunately, b4 this got any crazier, Oliver came and stomped on me to wake up and feed him his kitty food breakfast!
The interesting thing in all this is how I felt upon waking. I had made an analogy.. my XABF and my X husband were both the same person. It did not matter that one had a PhD in Physics and the other had a GED and was a self taught photographer. It did not matter that one man was German and the other a Jew.
There were no differences as both were addicts. Both did the things addicts do and both would need to do the same paths if they had chosen or were to choose recovery. Of course, X husband cannot choose recovery since he is deceased.
I have been very at peace this weekend. I have spent time outside in absolutely beautiful and inspiring fall weather. I have spent a lot of time with my dog and I have visited with friends.
I do not know what that dream meant or any of the rest. I do know that I woke up from it knowing that addiction is a great leveler.
Addiction is not unlike a spider. Once a person is caught in its web he or she becomes nothing more than another similar thread bound bundle lost in there paralyzed by the venom from that very powerful spider.
Not everyone in the web succombs to the spider. Some escape that tangled web.
I say a prayer for their escape. All of them.
I say a prayer even as I maintain my detachment from them and their web and the spider.
Rest peacefully Sonny Boy
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Florida, Tennessee
Posts: 840
((Elana))
I always listen to my dreams. Subconscious or not, they are always telling us things. It seems to me that you are reaching a higher plain. You are comming to grips with how addiction impacted your life, and the people you loved. I would even venture to say, that you are reaching that phase of peace and forgiveness. They both loved you Elana. Nothing about their misery was about you, it was about addiction. It is like a venom and a spider web. You have shut yourself off from the possibility of ever trusting again, of ever being loved again, and that's ok, but I also believe that with forgiveness will come a new self understanding, you were loved by both, and you are still lovable, what happened was about them and their disease, they never really wanted to hurt you, they just couldn't break free of that web.
They weren't the same, but their love for you was.
B
I always listen to my dreams. Subconscious or not, they are always telling us things. It seems to me that you are reaching a higher plain. You are comming to grips with how addiction impacted your life, and the people you loved. I would even venture to say, that you are reaching that phase of peace and forgiveness. They both loved you Elana. Nothing about their misery was about you, it was about addiction. It is like a venom and a spider web. You have shut yourself off from the possibility of ever trusting again, of ever being loved again, and that's ok, but I also believe that with forgiveness will come a new self understanding, you were loved by both, and you are still lovable, what happened was about them and their disease, they never really wanted to hurt you, they just couldn't break free of that web.
They weren't the same, but their love for you was.
B
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2003
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In retrospect I do not believe, and may never believe, that either of these men really did love me. I wish I could, but actions speak more than words.
I believe my X husband when he said he was never really in love with me but wanted to appear normal and wanted to "make it" with a woman sexually so figured if he was married that opportunity would be avaialable. In almost 20 years he never really did "make it" (trust me on that.. it is a good thing I did not want children because this man could not have sired any). We did appear normal, but in the end I was just another laborer on the farm. When he was in rehab after getting sick he met a receptionist at the water therapy place. She was a single Mom and even tho she had a BF, he sent her flowers (my CC!!!!) and said to my Mother "I could take care of her and her son..." Meanwhile, I was going to work and all the rest. His statement was that of a 10 year old child in its ability to follow thru.. but that was not the point. He was mentally ill and still looking for someone to rescue him.. a woman to comfort him more like a Mommy than like a wife or GF. I moved out 8 months later. Meanwhile, the receptionist told him to stop contacting her or she would tell the police he was stalking her.
XABF... No. He loved what I could get for him. He did not love me. He never loved anyone that I know of. Women were a conveniecne to him. They are there to be codependents and to enable him to live working as little as possible and to provide a roof and sex. When he gets bored with the provider of the roof he finds a side girl and eventually cuts off the sex with the roof provider cuz at his age he can't keep up with two. He uses some medical excuse that is pure BS.
Cheating is debasing. At first I looked at myself and wondered what was so wrong with me that I could not keep either of these men satisfied. In the case of my X husband, he was looking for verification that he was a complete male of the human species. He was asexual and he did not want to be. No woman would have been capabale of making him complete as a male or of satisfying him. When it came to sex the OLNLY words I can come up with is "VERY weird."
The second guy cheats and lies all the time. That and the drug abuse is all the same thing. He has been an active addict since age 12. He never loved anyone ever.. including himself. No woman can satisfy him. He is always looking for another new one to verify his manliness.. who he is.. whatever. He needs to be high when he has sex and he needs to get high after sex. I have figured that out in the space since last year when he left.
I am certainly lovable. I know that. I am not bad looking for my age. Fact is, I I look pretty good.
I don't have anything against BEING loved. I object to loving someone else... at least on the level I always have. It has lead me down a road of misery and self neglect that I will never travel again (thank God!).
I will give love but human males and relationships are off the list (and no, I don't want any human females..). I am fine with that. I am tired of kissing frogs hoping for a prince. I do not need a relationship messing up my life.
I will never find the Prince by not kissing frogs but, you know, I don't need no steenking Prince anyway.
I believe my X husband when he said he was never really in love with me but wanted to appear normal and wanted to "make it" with a woman sexually so figured if he was married that opportunity would be avaialable. In almost 20 years he never really did "make it" (trust me on that.. it is a good thing I did not want children because this man could not have sired any). We did appear normal, but in the end I was just another laborer on the farm. When he was in rehab after getting sick he met a receptionist at the water therapy place. She was a single Mom and even tho she had a BF, he sent her flowers (my CC!!!!) and said to my Mother "I could take care of her and her son..." Meanwhile, I was going to work and all the rest. His statement was that of a 10 year old child in its ability to follow thru.. but that was not the point. He was mentally ill and still looking for someone to rescue him.. a woman to comfort him more like a Mommy than like a wife or GF. I moved out 8 months later. Meanwhile, the receptionist told him to stop contacting her or she would tell the police he was stalking her.
XABF... No. He loved what I could get for him. He did not love me. He never loved anyone that I know of. Women were a conveniecne to him. They are there to be codependents and to enable him to live working as little as possible and to provide a roof and sex. When he gets bored with the provider of the roof he finds a side girl and eventually cuts off the sex with the roof provider cuz at his age he can't keep up with two. He uses some medical excuse that is pure BS.
Cheating is debasing. At first I looked at myself and wondered what was so wrong with me that I could not keep either of these men satisfied. In the case of my X husband, he was looking for verification that he was a complete male of the human species. He was asexual and he did not want to be. No woman would have been capabale of making him complete as a male or of satisfying him. When it came to sex the OLNLY words I can come up with is "VERY weird."
The second guy cheats and lies all the time. That and the drug abuse is all the same thing. He has been an active addict since age 12. He never loved anyone ever.. including himself. No woman can satisfy him. He is always looking for another new one to verify his manliness.. who he is.. whatever. He needs to be high when he has sex and he needs to get high after sex. I have figured that out in the space since last year when he left.
I am certainly lovable. I know that. I am not bad looking for my age. Fact is, I I look pretty good.
I don't have anything against BEING loved. I object to loving someone else... at least on the level I always have. It has lead me down a road of misery and self neglect that I will never travel again (thank God!).
I will give love but human males and relationships are off the list (and no, I don't want any human females..). I am fine with that. I am tired of kissing frogs hoping for a prince. I do not need a relationship messing up my life.
I will never find the Prince by not kissing frogs but, you know, I don't need no steenking Prince anyway.
Last edited by Elana; 10-01-2007 at 07:15 AM.
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