The good news is....

Old 09-30-2007, 02:12 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
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Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 471
The good news is....

...I'm not seething in anger. I handled the situation as calmly as possible. The bad news is my XAH hasn't got a clue about acting appropriately. I guess, though I stayed calm with X, I'm needing to vent!
The short version of the story...XAH left the family to "room" with his brother's widow back in April. (Divorce final Oct 4) XAH's brother was a drug dealer who OD'd on heroin and supplied XAH. SIL hooked XAH with his brother's drug supplier three days before he left us, and I suspect he is now dealing from her house. She condones this and believes I am "too strict".
SIL is my 13 YO daughter's Godmother. Julie was never comfortable with this woman, but spent time with her to be polite and please dad. Since dad left, Julie is adament she does not want contact with this woman. Dad has kept trying to push the relationship, and, working on my attorney's advice, I have written him two letters threatening to withhold visitation should he persist in ignoring Julie's wishes.
XAH is seeing SIL's best friend. Julie (and my son as well, he's 15) are not comfortable with his relationship with her, as they feel it is way too soon. (you think?) Julie wants no contact with this woman, as she feels she will try and insinuate SIL back into her life. She also feels dad and this woman will behave inappropriately in front of her. (A distinct possibility) I have told XAH repeatedly that Julie isn't comfortable with her. This week the kids came home from their visit with dad with candy bags from the girlfriend, and dad saying she would be joining them on the next visit as she "wanted to spend time with them". Uh - huh. Julie was very upset. I got on the phone for the billionth time and explained to XAH that Julie was uncomfortable with both girlfriend and SIL, and that she would not be spending time with either. Naturally he was angry.
After wards I talked to Julie. I let her know that, while it was tough, she needed to establish boundaries with dad and send a clear message ~ meaning she had to be the one to tell him no.
Well, gang, my little girl got on the phone and told her dad that she did not
want to see SIL or girlfriend, that she did notwant to hear about SIL and girlfriend, and that she did not want gifts from "people she didn't like". She told dad she would let him know if she ever changed her mind. Then they chatted about other things.
I am thrilled that Julie did this! A big step for her, as she's been ~ understandably~ avoiding saying no to dad for fear of losing him completely. I have been helping her work on overcoming the codie behaviors she grew up watching me model, and it's working!
I am also coming to a very big conclusion. Beyond being an alcoholic, addict, and abuser, XAH is just plain a jerk. I have known plenty of A's who would never torment a kid like this. God Lord, he only sees the kids a few hours a week ~ he could at least respect the kid's wishes that long! But, having lived it, I know where he's coming from ~ hooking the kids up with girlfriend would enable him to take them to her house (they are not allowed to visit SIL's house because of the drugs), and he could have girlfriend spend time with them while he drinks, smokes and naps. Been there, done that.
Poor Julie spends the next hour after visitation going over what Dad said and did with me, some good, some absurd, some inappropriate. He has no idea (or doesn't want to get a clue) of how much his behavior disturbs her. I'm seeing our counsellor tomorrow, which will give me a bit more to work with.
But the rest of the good news is, I'm putting this latest nonsense away for now!
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Old 09-30-2007, 02:22 PM
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Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
you are a good mom. i think you did very good by your daughter telling her father how she feels. it keeps you out of the picture & also it was better that it came from her. it was stright from the horses mouth so to speak.i am sure it was hard on her but it also teaches her responsibility also.
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