Struggling with telling my boys their father is a drug addict....
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Struggling with telling my boys their father is a drug addict....
I'm struggling with the issue of telling my boys (ages 6 and almost 8) about their father's drug addiction. The older one seems to be questioning me all the time asking "why does my dad lie all the time?" I just tell him I don't know and I wish he would do as he says.
Their father will tell them the usual; he's coming over to visit them or he'll call them later. Of course, we all know it doesn't happen. I ONLY allow him to come and visit at our home as I don't trust him taking them. I have sole custody and he has 'visitation'....no schedule to follow which leaves this on my terms. He drives a vehicle with no insurance and I don't need him getting pulled over with them in the car. In our state, if you drive without insurance, they impound the truck and my boys have been subjected to enough nonsense while he lived here that they don't need to see him getting arrested and then what happens to them? He's taken them to crack houses and the list goes on so this is what works for us....for now.
The only thing I've told my boys is that their father and I got divorced because he has a sickness that causes him to make bad choices. I needed to do this in order for us to live a peaceful life and to protect them. The boys know what theses bad choices are that he has made. Luckily they know right from wrong. My exah has got his older son (19 y/o) smoking crack with him, as well. This is my #1 reason for him not taking them anywhere. As far as I'm concerned he should be locked up but that's a whole other story!
Any suggestions from any mothers that have told their children their father has a drug addiction? Sometimes I think they're too young and lately I've been wanting to tell them before they hear it from someone else.
Thanks!
Jen
Their father will tell them the usual; he's coming over to visit them or he'll call them later. Of course, we all know it doesn't happen. I ONLY allow him to come and visit at our home as I don't trust him taking them. I have sole custody and he has 'visitation'....no schedule to follow which leaves this on my terms. He drives a vehicle with no insurance and I don't need him getting pulled over with them in the car. In our state, if you drive without insurance, they impound the truck and my boys have been subjected to enough nonsense while he lived here that they don't need to see him getting arrested and then what happens to them? He's taken them to crack houses and the list goes on so this is what works for us....for now.
The only thing I've told my boys is that their father and I got divorced because he has a sickness that causes him to make bad choices. I needed to do this in order for us to live a peaceful life and to protect them. The boys know what theses bad choices are that he has made. Luckily they know right from wrong. My exah has got his older son (19 y/o) smoking crack with him, as well. This is my #1 reason for him not taking them anywhere. As far as I'm concerned he should be locked up but that's a whole other story!
Any suggestions from any mothers that have told their children their father has a drug addiction? Sometimes I think they're too young and lately I've been wanting to tell them before they hear it from someone else.
Thanks!
Jen
A work in progress....
Join Date: Nov 2006
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From my experience (I have three boys-25, 20, and 11) I would suggest answering the questions as honestly as you can, without making excuses for him, but at the same time avoiding any sort of bashing or negativity towards their dad. Hard, I realize, when he is acting like an irresponsible child himself.
I have discovered that my older boys knew way more than I thought they did, and my covering up the truth to them just made them question their own eyes and ears. Not understanding what was causing the irrational behavior confused them-and they ended up hearing it from someone else anyway.
My 11-year-old knows as much as he is able to understand about addiction and what it has done to his dad; he knows it is why he can't be alone with dad or be in the car with him (he has supervised visitation only), and that he can't expect his dad to act "normal". He knows the addiction is why dad often doesn't do what he says he will do.
Unfortunately, kids seem to take the blame upon themselves (same as we did as spouses) when dad doesn't come through for them like he said he would. I feel like honesty is always best, just use good judgement and don't offer more than they can handle.
I'm sure other opinions will differ; this is just how I have learned to handle it with my kids.
((((hugs))))
I have discovered that my older boys knew way more than I thought they did, and my covering up the truth to them just made them question their own eyes and ears. Not understanding what was causing the irrational behavior confused them-and they ended up hearing it from someone else anyway.
My 11-year-old knows as much as he is able to understand about addiction and what it has done to his dad; he knows it is why he can't be alone with dad or be in the car with him (he has supervised visitation only), and that he can't expect his dad to act "normal". He knows the addiction is why dad often doesn't do what he says he will do.
Unfortunately, kids seem to take the blame upon themselves (same as we did as spouses) when dad doesn't come through for them like he said he would. I feel like honesty is always best, just use good judgement and don't offer more than they can handle.
I'm sure other opinions will differ; this is just how I have learned to handle it with my kids.
((((hugs))))
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: GA
Posts: 49
I'm a father of a 7 year old who has had to deal with this very subject (and it's the mother who has the addiction). I have been steadfast in my determination not to lie to my son. She has made drug addiction a very obvious subject. For example, she came over one night to tuck in our son and was obviously high (she's an Rx opiate addict). I told her she had to leave. She told our son that "mommy has to leave because Daddy's angry that she took a pill". Well, of course he asked me about that and it was the first time I had to really explain the whole thing about drugs. I kept it on his level and referred to other instances that I knew he'd remember to demonstrate what taking drugs can do to a person (hands shaking, "talking funny", etc.).
Not one month later, my ex wife went to my son's school to have lunch with him. She showed up completely out of her mind and was falling down. His teacher swept him away and the vice principal (and eventually the prinicipal) got her away from the area where the kids were. They had to call her mother to come get her because they couldn't let her drive since she was so "out of it".
Anyway, I went to go get him. He was scared and sad. I asked him what happened. He said, Mommy was having trouble walking, her hands were shaking and she fell down. I asked him if he knew why, and he said he wasn't sure. Knowing we had touched on the subject before, I said, "because she took drugs." He said, "oh, I thought so."
He was very angry and didn't want to talk to her. Of course she was calling and wanted me to tell him that she had "taken the wrong medicine". No way. I wasn't going to have TWO parents lying to him.
Anyway, I told him it was ok to be angry with his mom and even tell her so, however, he was obligated to treat her respectfully no matter what. I explained that he could tell her he's angry and ask questions, but he could not say ugly things and needed to still say yes ma'am, no ma'am, etc.
Recently, she failed a drug test which would have allowed her to resume visitation. He asked why it wasn't going to happen. I said, "you know, your mom told you." He said, yes, because of the "hair test" (where the lab tests hair follicles). I said yes, until your mom can show a clean test, she has to visit you here. He said, "oh", then paused...he then said "Daddy, I'm glad you don't do that" and I said, "I am too".
I guess it's just important to be honest, age appropriate, never disparaging their other parent, but giving them the facts they need to understand.
LH
Not one month later, my ex wife went to my son's school to have lunch with him. She showed up completely out of her mind and was falling down. His teacher swept him away and the vice principal (and eventually the prinicipal) got her away from the area where the kids were. They had to call her mother to come get her because they couldn't let her drive since she was so "out of it".
Anyway, I went to go get him. He was scared and sad. I asked him what happened. He said, Mommy was having trouble walking, her hands were shaking and she fell down. I asked him if he knew why, and he said he wasn't sure. Knowing we had touched on the subject before, I said, "because she took drugs." He said, "oh, I thought so."
He was very angry and didn't want to talk to her. Of course she was calling and wanted me to tell him that she had "taken the wrong medicine". No way. I wasn't going to have TWO parents lying to him.
Anyway, I told him it was ok to be angry with his mom and even tell her so, however, he was obligated to treat her respectfully no matter what. I explained that he could tell her he's angry and ask questions, but he could not say ugly things and needed to still say yes ma'am, no ma'am, etc.
Recently, she failed a drug test which would have allowed her to resume visitation. He asked why it wasn't going to happen. I said, "you know, your mom told you." He said, yes, because of the "hair test" (where the lab tests hair follicles). I said yes, until your mom can show a clean test, she has to visit you here. He said, "oh", then paused...he then said "Daddy, I'm glad you don't do that" and I said, "I am too".
I guess it's just important to be honest, age appropriate, never disparaging their other parent, but giving them the facts they need to understand.
LH
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: NY
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My girls were around ages 9 & 10 when they got the whole story. I decided to air on the side of caution and had a therapist help me, and we also received family counseling (me and them). The therapist REALLY helped, I found it much easier after that to answer their questions.
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Thanks to everyone for your responses. Sometimes I think they're a little too young and other times I think they should know. Not all details...just basics of drug use. I'm thinking the same about counseling. I have the school counselor talking to my oldest right now but haven't heard an update from her so I'll check w/her. Maybe that's a start.
My oldest just seems to be asking alot of questions lately. I feel so sorry for both of them. How pathetic they have to live without a father because of his CHOICES. He can either choose to get clean or not. That's how I feel it's HIS CHOICE.
Oh, I suppose I better not get started! I do so well most days and others, I feel I'm back at step 1
Thanks again to all of you here at SR...you're my lifesaver!
Jen
My oldest just seems to be asking alot of questions lately. I feel so sorry for both of them. How pathetic they have to live without a father because of his CHOICES. He can either choose to get clean or not. That's how I feel it's HIS CHOICE.
Oh, I suppose I better not get started! I do so well most days and others, I feel I'm back at step 1
Thanks again to all of you here at SR...you're my lifesaver!
Jen
A work in progress....
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: FREE!!!! Somewhere in the Tennessee Mountains
Posts: 1,018
Originally Posted by Jen 
I'm thinking the same about counseling.
Your kids will be fine; they have a good mom that really loves them and that will be obvious to them. Hang in there!
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: media, pa
Posts: 243
I don't think children need to know everything until they're at an age to understand. Most young children are egocentric and think everything is their fault. However, some kids are really mature, but only you know if your kids are. I would definitely read up to see how other parents have broached the topic. Good luck!
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Happy Soul ~ Glad to meet you! I've been with SR since Sept 04 and was still married to my now EXAH (DOC - crack). I struggled for years and I finally divorced him May 06, one week shy of our 8 year wedding anniversary.
I know it was the best gift I could give my children...but it breaks my heart the damage he's done to them.
I appreciate your honesty as to how you handled explaining it to your children. I think I feel so strongly about telling (at least my older son; they're 18mos apart) because every day he makes some comment about why does his dad lie and why is he always working? OMG! He hasn't held a job for longer than two weeks since Oct of last year. Uugghh....that's his story to them.
He was ordered to jail for not paying child support but I "stayed" the sentence because I was receiving CS from his unemployment benefits. However, I'm making a call to my atty tomorrow to lift the order and proceed with a body attachment. I could care less how angry he becomes. He put himself there, not me.
Also, thanks for the book suggestion. I'm going to look for it tomorrow on my lunch hour THANKS!!!
Afraid ~ I think I've not told my boys for that exact reason. I'm not sure I want to "burden" them with more. I always thought if they were 8 and 10; I'd for sure tell them but I think they're able to handle it somewhat? Unfortunately, what choice to they have. I just don't want them hearing it from somebody else. That would absolutely devastate them.
Again, thanks to all of you for your wonderful responses!!
Jen
I know it was the best gift I could give my children...but it breaks my heart the damage he's done to them.
I appreciate your honesty as to how you handled explaining it to your children. I think I feel so strongly about telling (at least my older son; they're 18mos apart) because every day he makes some comment about why does his dad lie and why is he always working? OMG! He hasn't held a job for longer than two weeks since Oct of last year. Uugghh....that's his story to them.
He was ordered to jail for not paying child support but I "stayed" the sentence because I was receiving CS from his unemployment benefits. However, I'm making a call to my atty tomorrow to lift the order and proceed with a body attachment. I could care less how angry he becomes. He put himself there, not me.
Also, thanks for the book suggestion. I'm going to look for it tomorrow on my lunch hour
THANKS!!!Afraid ~ I think I've not told my boys for that exact reason. I'm not sure I want to "burden" them with more. I always thought if they were 8 and 10; I'd for sure tell them but I think they're able to handle it somewhat? Unfortunately, what choice to they have. I just don't want them hearing it from somebody else. That would absolutely devastate them.
Again, thanks to all of you for your wonderful responses!!
Jen
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Almost 'me' again
Posts: 102
My children are 8 and 10. We left their dad two years ago because of out of control pain med use for true chronic pain. He uses the drugs to escape - and does quite well in that motive. I've opted to 'never lie' although I've struggled with the 'amount' to share when I do need to tell them something. I posted on another room on this site and someone lead me to an aha on what to share and not to share: I plan to tell them all the information needed so they do not have to let their imaginiations fill in the blanks. If I leave questions unanswered, or holes in the story that they will have to assume on their own...that is not okay. Their imaginations will probably fill in incorrect, usually worse information and THAT is when they will assume it is somehow their fault. It is my responsibility to fill in enough information that they don't have to use their imaginations.
remember to breathe
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: philadelphia pa
Posts: 1,280
I just can't imagine having to do that, I'm the mother of a 22yr old heroin addict and that seems to be as much chaos and stress I can deal with, I don't know what I would do if I had to explain it to a small child.
my thoughts and prayers are with you
my thoughts and prayers are with you
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: NY
Posts: 204
I've just started reading a book by Claudia Black "Straight Talk: What Recovering Parents Should Tell Their Kids About Drugs and Alcohol". I'm hoping to find some answers in there. She talks about answering their questions and keeping it simple.
Drug Addiction Has No Mercy
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Milwaukie Oregon
Posts: 875
Originally Posted by Jen
I'm struggling with the issue of telling my boys (ages 6 and almost 8) about their father's drug addiction. The older one seems to be questioning me all the time asking "why does my dad lie all the time?" I just tell him I don't know and I wish he would do as he says.
Their father will tell them the usual; he's coming over to visit them or he'll call them later. Of course, we all know it doesn't happen. I ONLY allow him to come and visit at our home as I don't trust him taking them. I have sole custody and he has 'visitation'....no schedule to follow which leaves this on my terms. He drives a vehicle with no insurance and I don't need him getting pulled over with them in the car. In our state, if you drive without insurance, they impound the truck and my boys have been subjected to enough nonsense while he lived here that they don't need to see him getting arrested and then what happens to them? He's taken them to crack houses and the list goes on so this is what works for us....for now.
The only thing I've told my boys is that their father and I got divorced because he has a sickness that causes him to make bad choices. I needed to do this in order for us to live a peaceful life and to protect them. The boys know what theses bad choices are that he has made. Luckily they know right from wrong. My exah has got his older son (19 y/o) smoking crack with him, as well. This is my #1 reason for him not taking them anywhere. As far as I'm concerned he should be locked up but that's a whole other story!
Any suggestions from any mothers that have told their children their father has a drug addiction? Sometimes I think they're too young and lately I've been wanting to tell them before they hear it from someone else.
Thanks!
Jen
Their father will tell them the usual; he's coming over to visit them or he'll call them later. Of course, we all know it doesn't happen. I ONLY allow him to come and visit at our home as I don't trust him taking them. I have sole custody and he has 'visitation'....no schedule to follow which leaves this on my terms. He drives a vehicle with no insurance and I don't need him getting pulled over with them in the car. In our state, if you drive without insurance, they impound the truck and my boys have been subjected to enough nonsense while he lived here that they don't need to see him getting arrested and then what happens to them? He's taken them to crack houses and the list goes on so this is what works for us....for now.
The only thing I've told my boys is that their father and I got divorced because he has a sickness that causes him to make bad choices. I needed to do this in order for us to live a peaceful life and to protect them. The boys know what theses bad choices are that he has made. Luckily they know right from wrong. My exah has got his older son (19 y/o) smoking crack with him, as well. This is my #1 reason for him not taking them anywhere. As far as I'm concerned he should be locked up but that's a whole other story!
Any suggestions from any mothers that have told their children their father has a drug addiction? Sometimes I think they're too young and lately I've been wanting to tell them before they hear it from someone else.
Thanks!
Jen
Daddy takes like a medicine that isn't good for him .. the doctor doesn't give it to him ..he gets it from people that aren't doctors .. he likes this medicine even though it isn't good for him ...
they asked, then why does he take it if it isn't good for him.
I said well this isn't the same thing, but I will try to help you understand what I mean ... and then I said, you know how you kids like candy ... and when you eat a piece of candy you want more ... and they all said yes.. and candy is good and yummy, but if you eat to much it will give you a tummy ache and you'll get sick ...
though even though you know if you eat to much it will make you sick .. it is good and you want more anyway ...
I said well thats kinda what it is like for daddy
Well daddy takes the medicine and he likes it and to him it is good, even though it isn't good for him at all .. it ends up making him sick .. and I told them that the medicine daddy took was called drugs .. and drugs are not good for people .. but some people take them anyway ... daddy was one of those people ...
I also told them that he drinks stuff that makes him act funny (meaning alcohol) and that when he drinks it .. it makes him do and say mean things ...
I NEVER wanted them to think for one minute that they were the reason their dad acted like he did .. I told them it had nothing to do with them or me .. we were not the reason that daddy acted like he did.. but it was because of the bad medicine and drinks ... and that their daddy loves them very much.
When I took them and left him .. I let them know that I still loved their dad very much, but I didn't like how he acted when he did those things and that it was best for us to go and live somewhere else ... and that daddy could come visit from time to time ...
because I had prepared them so early by telling them all along what was going on .. When it came down to leaving they took it very well .. and then when he'd come to visit they could identify when he had or hadn't drank .. they watched him with different eyes and saw for themselves ..
Today they are 19, 18 and 17 ... (their father lost his life to his addiction almost 3 yrs ago) My children thank me for always being honest and upfront with them ... and never "candy coating things LOL"
not the best analogy to give kids I guess, but it was what came into my mind at the time and it seemed work with my kids.
Passion
Oh and when it came to him calling and telling the kids he'd come see them .. and not showing up ... I simply asked him to not tell them when he was coming .. and I explained to him short and sweet that when he told the kids he was coming and didn't show up .. I spent the rest of the day wiping up tears. If he wanted to come over he had to discuss it with me .. so when he did call and ask if he could come see the kids on the weekend .. I kept it quiet and didn't tell them .. that way if he didn't show up .. they weren't aware and if he did .. SURPRISE ... but so I wasn't sitting around all day putting my life on hold I would ask their dad what time he'd be at our place .. he'd give me a time and if he wasn't there by the time agreeded and I didn't hang out waiting .. if I took a notion to go to the store, park or where ever .. I loaded up the kids and left .. if dad showed up late ..oh well ... his loss ... next time be on time ... plain and simple boundaries that I found (for the sake of my sanity) were a must where he was concerned ....and Lord knows .. with all the antics of an addict ... (if I hadn't thought of my own sanity first and foremost .. I would have ended up "EARLING" him) Ever hear the song "Goodbye Earl" by the Dixie Chix
Last edited by nytepassion; 10-01-2007 at 07:55 AM.
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Originally Posted by nytepassion
When I took them and left him .. I let them know that I still loved their dad very much, but I didn't like how he acted when he did those things and that it was best for us to go and live somewhere else ... and that daddy could come visit from time to time ...
Thanks Nyte! I also told the boys the same. They frequently ask me if I still love their daddy. I answer them honestly and tell them yes I love him but I don't like when he makes bad choices.
When the boys say their prayers at night, they always pray for their daddy. They never pray out loud but they both tell me they always pray and "wish" for him to get better.
They are such good boys and I'm thankful for my family as I don't think I could have made it through without their support. They are a wonderful support system and the boys feel as though they can tell them anything, as well.
Again, thanks so much! I get so much from all of your posts!!
Have a wonderful day!!
Jen
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
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This thread is so wonderful. My son is barely two years old and he idolizes his father. Yet his crack smoking father left for pizza 3 weeks ago and never came home. He has called twice about his "stuff", but that is the last I have heard from him. My son is absolutely crushed that his daddy is gone. Yesterday he told me, "I go find Daddy." He talks about his Daddy constantly, wants to know where he is, tells me stories about him - how daddy fixes things and daddy buys him toys. He asks "when Daddy come home?" It breaks my heart and makes me want to cry just typing about it. Even at two, when we say our prayers, my son always reminds me to say "God bless daddy".
Anyway, the following suggestions were given to me:
When my son asks about his daddy tell him that daddy loves him very much and will see us when he can. Mommy will always take care of you.
Read a book called "Daddy doesn't live hear anymore."
Never tell my son, daddy is coming for a visit until he shows up in the driveway. That way neither one of us looks like a liar.
I'm going to check out that book "straight talk". Thanks.
Anyway, the following suggestions were given to me:
When my son asks about his daddy tell him that daddy loves him very much and will see us when he can. Mommy will always take care of you.
Read a book called "Daddy doesn't live hear anymore."
Never tell my son, daddy is coming for a visit until he shows up in the driveway. That way neither one of us looks like a liar.
I'm going to check out that book "straight talk". Thanks.
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