Involved With Alcoholic/Substance Abuser. Don't Know What To Do.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 170
Involved With Alcoholic/Substance Abuser. Don't Know What To Do.
I started dating a man eight months ago that had just gotten out of rehab. I didn't know that when I met him nor did I know they are not supposed to start a new relationship within a year of getting out.
He was in rehab for six or seven months in lieu of going to prison. He is now on four years probabtion. He has drank alcohol since the day I met him and he has now started doing drugs again. He totally disappears on the weekends (every weekend) and I cannot get a hold of him. He came over to my house one time high and I made him leave. He was a total different person and I couldn't stand to be around him.
He is always broke and does not take me on dates anymore. He actually stood me up on the last two. Didn't show up or call and did not answer his phone when I tried to call him. When he finally did call me, he told me he was high and could not talk to me.
Anyway, I think I am getting myself in deeper and deeper with this man and I don't know what I should do. I don't have any interest in ever marrying him or anything. We are in our forties. I have just never been around anything like this before.
He is very unaffectionate and doesn't have very good social skills. I am told this is common. I stopped calling him and thought I would just let him go, but he keeps calling me and wants to see me.
I don't want to turn my back on him. I care for him very much. I've been told that these people lie and cheat and I just don't think I can handle that. I have attended two Al-anon meetings trying to learn more.
My friends tell me that it will be harder to leave later than now. I don't know what I am doing. I know I can't help him.
He was in rehab for six or seven months in lieu of going to prison. He is now on four years probabtion. He has drank alcohol since the day I met him and he has now started doing drugs again. He totally disappears on the weekends (every weekend) and I cannot get a hold of him. He came over to my house one time high and I made him leave. He was a total different person and I couldn't stand to be around him.
He is always broke and does not take me on dates anymore. He actually stood me up on the last two. Didn't show up or call and did not answer his phone when I tried to call him. When he finally did call me, he told me he was high and could not talk to me.
Anyway, I think I am getting myself in deeper and deeper with this man and I don't know what I should do. I don't have any interest in ever marrying him or anything. We are in our forties. I have just never been around anything like this before.
He is very unaffectionate and doesn't have very good social skills. I am told this is common. I stopped calling him and thought I would just let him go, but he keeps calling me and wants to see me.
I don't want to turn my back on him. I care for him very much. I've been told that these people lie and cheat and I just don't think I can handle that. I have attended two Al-anon meetings trying to learn more.
My friends tell me that it will be harder to leave later than now. I don't know what I am doing. I know I can't help him.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
GoodKarma,
You can care very much about this man but no longer be "involved" with him.
That's called friendship. It still hurts to see him damage himself, but your life is not hooked to his, and you don't have to suffer the lies, the lack of money, the stealing (has he started that yet?), the disappearances, the infidelity (it will happen), and the terrible treatment.
The longer you stay with someone whom you KNOW is not the kind of man you want to be with, the harder it will be to leave the situation. That's true.
it's a tough decision to stop dating someone. But it sounds like, from everything you say and HOW you say it, you know that's what you have to do to protect yourself. He's obviously not getting help for himself, and addiction is a progressive disease. it will only get worse. Read some of the posts here, and the stickies at the top of the forum, and learn more about addiction's many ugly faces, and the ways others have coped.
You deserve a better life than that. We all do.
Hugs,
GL
You can care very much about this man but no longer be "involved" with him.
That's called friendship. It still hurts to see him damage himself, but your life is not hooked to his, and you don't have to suffer the lies, the lack of money, the stealing (has he started that yet?), the disappearances, the infidelity (it will happen), and the terrible treatment.
The longer you stay with someone whom you KNOW is not the kind of man you want to be with, the harder it will be to leave the situation. That's true.
it's a tough decision to stop dating someone. But it sounds like, from everything you say and HOW you say it, you know that's what you have to do to protect yourself. He's obviously not getting help for himself, and addiction is a progressive disease. it will only get worse. Read some of the posts here, and the stickies at the top of the forum, and learn more about addiction's many ugly faces, and the ways others have coped.
You deserve a better life than that. We all do.
Hugs,
GL
Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
I'm new here but the one advice I can give you is Run, don't walk away from this man but RUN!!!!
You owe him nothing. You deserve to be treated like a lady and to be taken on dates and to be in a happy and HEALTHY relationship. You deserve to be with someone who will call when they say they will and will not show up at your house drunk or high. Someone that respects you as a person and as a friend.
I realize you care for him but until he cleans up his act and he is the one that has to clean up his act, the situation will continue to get worse. The deeper you get involved the harder it is to walk away and the more involved you are the more co dependent you will become. There will aways be trust issues. I'm married to a recovering SA and trust me not a day goes by when some kind of doubt does not pop up in my mind.
If you decide to stay with him then you need to look out for number one, and number one means you.
Good Luck to you
(((hugs)))
You owe him nothing. You deserve to be treated like a lady and to be taken on dates and to be in a happy and HEALTHY relationship. You deserve to be with someone who will call when they say they will and will not show up at your house drunk or high. Someone that respects you as a person and as a friend.
I realize you care for him but until he cleans up his act and he is the one that has to clean up his act, the situation will continue to get worse. The deeper you get involved the harder it is to walk away and the more involved you are the more co dependent you will become. There will aways be trust issues. I'm married to a recovering SA and trust me not a day goes by when some kind of doubt does not pop up in my mind.
If you decide to stay with him then you need to look out for number one, and number one means you.
Good Luck to you
(((hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: GA
Posts: 49
Try reading your post as though it came from someone else, say your daugther (whether you really have one or not) and think about what you'd tell her...would you want her to get more involved in this man's mess?
What are YOU worth? How tough can it be to stop dating someone when ALL the evidence you laid out points to a future filled with heart ache. What WOULD you tell your daughter if this were HER situation?
Sometimes thinking about things from another perspective can make things very clear.
LH
What are YOU worth? How tough can it be to stop dating someone when ALL the evidence you laid out points to a future filled with heart ache. What WOULD you tell your daughter if this were HER situation?
Sometimes thinking about things from another perspective can make things very clear.
LH
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
GoodKarma,
Oh, girl, I just wanna yell "run" at the top of my lungs.
The addict in my life is my exhusband. He didn't start using drugs until after we were married and had a beautiful son together. Now, I am tied to the man for the rest of my life (not legally) but because of our son.
You have been given a gift...the ability to see addiction up front and close BEFORE you become financially and legally entwined with this man.
He's probably a great person. He's just really sick. And his disease is one that will last a lifetime. They are never 'cured'...the question is just whether they are actively using drugs. Thats a whole lotta baggage to carry knowingly into a relationship no matter what your age.
Love yourself enough to walk away. Whatever you do, welcome to SR.
I'm glad you're here...I hope you find alot of strength and support here.
Oh, girl, I just wanna yell "run" at the top of my lungs.
The addict in my life is my exhusband. He didn't start using drugs until after we were married and had a beautiful son together. Now, I am tied to the man for the rest of my life (not legally) but because of our son.
You have been given a gift...the ability to see addiction up front and close BEFORE you become financially and legally entwined with this man.
He's probably a great person. He's just really sick. And his disease is one that will last a lifetime. They are never 'cured'...the question is just whether they are actively using drugs. Thats a whole lotta baggage to carry knowingly into a relationship no matter what your age.
Love yourself enough to walk away. Whatever you do, welcome to SR.
I'm glad you're here...I hope you find alot of strength and support here.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 170
Thank you all for your help. I see what I must do for my own sake. LH, I did go back and read my post looking at it from a different perspective. Yes, I would definitely tell someone else that it would be nothing but heartache trying to be with someone like him.
I have also been reading a lot of the posts here and have really learned some pretty powerful stuff. Things I can't even imagine.
Givelove, I do have one question. I keep hearing about how addicts lie, steal and cheat. Well I do understand how they lie (he does lie a lot), steal (so far he has never stolen anything from me), but I don't understand how they cheat. When he came over to my house and he was high, he could barely walk and talk. I had to open the door for him when he left. I don't possibly see how they could have sex in that condition.
Also, I don't understand why he gets so many phone calls. His cell phone rings constantly and he either goes outside to take the call or he doesn't answer it. Never dated anyone that got that many phone calls constantly.
Anyway, I will just have to tell him next week that I just cannot see him anymore.
I have also been reading a lot of the posts here and have really learned some pretty powerful stuff. Things I can't even imagine.
Givelove, I do have one question. I keep hearing about how addicts lie, steal and cheat. Well I do understand how they lie (he does lie a lot), steal (so far he has never stolen anything from me), but I don't understand how they cheat. When he came over to my house and he was high, he could barely walk and talk. I had to open the door for him when he left. I don't possibly see how they could have sex in that condition.
Also, I don't understand why he gets so many phone calls. His cell phone rings constantly and he either goes outside to take the call or he doesn't answer it. Never dated anyone that got that many phone calls constantly.
Anyway, I will just have to tell him next week that I just cannot see him anymore.
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Calif
Posts: 1,007
GoodKarma
Welcome to SoberRecovery.
I am so sorry that you happened to get involved with a man who is an addict; however, you have choices here and you know what they are already.
It is so sad that we get so involved with their lives that after a while we can't see the forrest for the trees. It does seem to me, however, that you know the answer to your dilemma already.
I cannot tell you what to do, but I do know the longer you stay in this relationship the more heartache it will bring you. If it were me, I would cut my losses and RUN before he starts stealing from you.
All the calls? Is he a dealer as well as a user?
Hugs, Devastated
I am so sorry that you happened to get involved with a man who is an addict; however, you have choices here and you know what they are already.
It is so sad that we get so involved with their lives that after a while we can't see the forrest for the trees. It does seem to me, however, that you know the answer to your dilemma already.
I cannot tell you what to do, but I do know the longer you stay in this relationship the more heartache it will bring you. If it were me, I would cut my losses and RUN before he starts stealing from you.
All the calls? Is he a dealer as well as a user?
Hugs, Devastated
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
GoodKarma,
That's a good question. I had wondered that too, before it happened to me.
Mine would do drugs to get the courage to cheat. Then, sometimes he could perform, sometimes he couldn't. There was one woman who accused him of getting her pregnant. He swore up and down that it couldn't have happened, because he couldn't even perform. You can't imagine how much better that made me feel (sarcasm there)
Ask any of the women here who have suffered through unfaithful addicts, and you will see how they manage to cheat. It happens at the fringes, when they're just going up or just coming down. It happens when they're at full-tilt, when they can't even maintain an erection. It happens when they sell drugs to attractive young women & teens who don't quite have enough money. It happens whenever it happens, and it happens because they're out of control and many drugs make them want sex. Many of our addict spouses here have had problems with pornography and sexual deviance...even though they can't really perform. Doesn't seem logical, does it?
And as for the phone calls? My suspicion is that either he has unreliable sources, and has to call around to find what he needs, or that he's dealing. Unfortunately, probably the latter based on the number of calls you talk about.
Which means that, if you're caught with him and he gets stung, no matter whether you knew about it or not, you get taken to jail too. Just happened to an ex-employee of mine.
Please please please be careful and be tender with yourself. And please come back! There's a great deal of support and love and friendship out here, an amazing amount really (it always amazes me)
Take care,
GL
That's a good question. I had wondered that too, before it happened to me.
Mine would do drugs to get the courage to cheat. Then, sometimes he could perform, sometimes he couldn't. There was one woman who accused him of getting her pregnant. He swore up and down that it couldn't have happened, because he couldn't even perform. You can't imagine how much better that made me feel (sarcasm there)
Ask any of the women here who have suffered through unfaithful addicts, and you will see how they manage to cheat. It happens at the fringes, when they're just going up or just coming down. It happens when they're at full-tilt, when they can't even maintain an erection. It happens when they sell drugs to attractive young women & teens who don't quite have enough money. It happens whenever it happens, and it happens because they're out of control and many drugs make them want sex. Many of our addict spouses here have had problems with pornography and sexual deviance...even though they can't really perform. Doesn't seem logical, does it?
And as for the phone calls? My suspicion is that either he has unreliable sources, and has to call around to find what he needs, or that he's dealing. Unfortunately, probably the latter based on the number of calls you talk about.
Which means that, if you're caught with him and he gets stung, no matter whether you knew about it or not, you get taken to jail too. Just happened to an ex-employee of mine.
Please please please be careful and be tender with yourself. And please come back! There's a great deal of support and love and friendship out here, an amazing amount really (it always amazes me)
Take care,
GL
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 170
GiveLive, thank you for explaining it clearly to me. I am so disgusted I could cry. I am so blind and such a fool. Of course, that is what all the phone calls are about. And why he can't take the call in front of me. Also I guess you had to spell it out for me about the cheating, but I just couldn't understand it before. It makes sense now how they can at some point cheat.
I will never ride in his car again. He is a very bad driver and I can't imagine ever being taken to jail.
That makes several of you that said he was probably a dealer because of all the phone calls. Why couldn't I have seen that. I thought I was smarter than that.
I wish I could just disappear and not have to talk to him next week. He is out of town for the weekend. I will have to talk to him when he gets back.
Yes, now I do just want to run away. What a nightmare this is. I feel so used.
I will never ride in his car again. He is a very bad driver and I can't imagine ever being taken to jail.
That makes several of you that said he was probably a dealer because of all the phone calls. Why couldn't I have seen that. I thought I was smarter than that.
I wish I could just disappear and not have to talk to him next week. He is out of town for the weekend. I will have to talk to him when he gets back.
Yes, now I do just want to run away. What a nightmare this is. I feel so used.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Karma,
I'm so sorry. Addiction is really dreadful.
It's good that you have a couple of days to yourself where you don't have to face him, and can think through the choices you're faced with with a clear (well, sort of clear) mind.
You do not have to make any decisions now. And if you do want to, they can be as small steps as you are comfortable with. You don't have to solve everything in one swoop.
And please don't feel bad. Try to keep in mind something that is said in these circles a lot: you didn't cause it, you can't cure it, you can't control it. YOU DID NOT DO THIS. All that you are guilty of is wanting to think the best of him. Please cut yourself some slack.
We have all done the best we could, with the light we had to see by at the time. Be gentle with yourself...you have a tough task at hand, and you need to have "you" on your own side, if that makes sense.
Hugs,
GiveLove
I'm so sorry. Addiction is really dreadful.
It's good that you have a couple of days to yourself where you don't have to face him, and can think through the choices you're faced with with a clear (well, sort of clear) mind.
You do not have to make any decisions now. And if you do want to, they can be as small steps as you are comfortable with. You don't have to solve everything in one swoop.
And please don't feel bad. Try to keep in mind something that is said in these circles a lot: you didn't cause it, you can't cure it, you can't control it. YOU DID NOT DO THIS. All that you are guilty of is wanting to think the best of him. Please cut yourself some slack.
We have all done the best we could, with the light we had to see by at the time. Be gentle with yourself...you have a tough task at hand, and you need to have "you" on your own side, if that makes sense.
Hugs,
GiveLove
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
