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-   -   And the panic begins again (https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-substance-abusers/133614-panic-begins-again.html)

catecicc 09-28-2007 08:23 AM

And the panic begins again
 
So tonight is the first time that my BF will have to put himself to the test with drugs since he has been sober. For those of you that don’t know my history, he’s a DJ and unforutantely drugs run rampid in the club scene. I am already starting to get all nervous about it.

So I come to you all for advice. Do you think it would just be better for me not to go tonight? Just tell him I’m not up for it. God, I want to just be evil and tell him, I don’t want to go because I am afraid that you’re going to slip and I don’t want to be there to see it. Is that wrong? My only fear is that I’m just going to sit at home and worry until he comes home. Part of me wants to go, see if he does it at least that way I just get the disappointment over with.

I wish I could believe him when he says he wants to stay sober. :c020:

kj21 09-28-2007 08:32 AM

I feel for you! I don't know what I would do...it won't matter in the long run if you go or not, if he is gonna use he will use whether you are there or not. i think I would stay home and try to keep busy, maybe make plans with a friend. What will be will be. I hope for you that he stays clean!! Try not to worry to much about what he will do...I know it is easier said than done!!!!

BrokenBridges24 09-28-2007 09:59 AM

I agree with KJ. I would stay home and concentrate on you. It will not matter if you are there or not. Stay home and let go.

_broken

Jwife22 09-28-2007 10:03 AM

Well, I suppose I'd go out and do my own thing!

He's going to do what he's going to do whether you are there or not or whether you worry all evening or not. Soo, worrying won't do you a darn bit of good! Go out with YOUR friends, do YOUR thing and enjoy YOUR self for ONE NIGHT! Let him take care of himself. Its his recovery and if he comes home clean you'll know that maybe just maybe its his time and he wants it bad enough.

I know its hard, sometimes darn near impossible, but it is doable.
((((cate))))

catecicc 09-28-2007 10:32 AM

Thank you Jwife, Broken and KJ

I think you guys are all right. I am too bent and broken to do this to myself any longer. I think I am just going to have a wine night with one of my girlfriends and focus on having a quiet peaceful Friday night. I am a little under the weather to begin with so taking care of me is probably my best bet.

Thank you for the support.

LearningHusband 09-28-2007 12:49 PM

"I wish I could believe him when he says he wants to stay sober. "

It may help you to realize that oftentimes addicts DO believe and ARE very sincere about what they say AT THE TIME they promise or declare they want sobriety (or anything else we want to hear). The problem is, addiction doesn't allow them to keep those promises and we have to simply realize that the addict is not able to bring those promises to fruition.

Remembering that will allow you not to put much stock into the words in the first place and avoid the disappointment in the second place (when whatever is promised doesn't happen).

LH

nytepassion 09-28-2007 03:25 PM


Originally Posted by catecicc (Post 1503705)
God, I want to just be evil and tell him, I don’t want to go because I am afraid that you’re going to slip and I don’t want to be there to see it. Is that wrong? My only fear is that I’m just going to sit at home and worry until he comes home. Part of me wants to go, see if he does it at least that way I just get the disappointment over with


Being someone who was once an active addict .. I have to say this with the intent and hope that I can shed some light on how powerful words are ...

As I read the above (as a recovering addict) I see a woman who is afraid that her man is going to blow his recovery because he will be in a slippery place. She is afraid that he will use and she doesn't want to be there to watch her hopes and dreams crumble yet again .. right before her eyes.

Now from the addicts perspective .. This is what the addict hears

Hmmmm, shes afraid that I will use... she is even expecting me to use and has prepared herself in case I do use. I've got an eticket to use .. after all she figures I'm gonna anyway. To the addict this is as good as if you gave them permission to use. The addict will use and then turn around and say something like "its your fault I used .. you didn't have faith in me anyway" Figured I might as well get high .. you don't believe in me" and the addict will even go so far as to say, "you wanted me to fail .. I think you wanted me to use just so you could leave me."


My only fear is that I’m just going to sit at home and worry until he comes home. Part of me wants to go, see if he does it at least that way I just get the disappointment over with
Please know that I'm not trying to pick your post apart by any means .. I just want to mirror how fear can be sensed by the addict and used to use.

Are there consequences he will face if he so chooses to use tonight? Does he have anything to lose? Have you established any boundaries with him?

The fear is on the wrong persons shoulders .. You shouldn't have to feel so afraid .. He should be the one afraid .. Clearly defined boundaries with consequences to follow if he uses would bring relief to you and put the weight of his addiction on his shoulders not yours ...

This is HIS addiction .. He has to fight it .. Losing sleep by worrying, wondering and waiting for him to come home isn't good for you or healthy ...

I used to find myself babysitting my ex just so he wouldn't use .. but it only delayed the enevitable .. he used anyway when I wasn't looking ... and you can't let fear of him using dictate your life or you're going to end up beat up from the feet up, tore up from the floor up and needing a checkup from the neck up .. IT WILL MAKE YOU CRAZY and besides that it is too damn time consuming ...

Tonight if you want to go because you'd like too and you think you'd have a good time .. then I'd go, but if him possibly using is the motivator here then it would be more benefical to you to do something YOU'D enjoy instead.

********{hugs}}}}}}
Passion

rahsue 09-28-2007 03:34 PM

the correct thing would probably be to stay home, the codie in me would go and think my presence would make a difference. So are you like me and can't get rid of the codie stuff or can you stay home and read a book or go to a friends for a visit.
I'm in a crappy state of mind right now so don't do what I would. lol

kj21 09-28-2007 07:46 PM

Keep us posted on how YOUR night went!!

hope213 09-28-2007 08:08 PM

continue to take care of you. i hope you did something tonite u enjoy doing.hugs,

catecicc 10-01-2007 09:36 AM

Update--

I stayed home. I told him I just wasn't up to it. So he went on his merry way and I went over a friends house drank wine and laughed till my belly hurt. Funniest part about it was HIM calling ME asking where I was!!!!

It felt good to come home and be able to breathe easy. He told me that everything went well. I said great. I am quickly learning not to ask too much. It's a strange game I play with him treading very lightly on caring too much and caring too little.

Nyte--I appreciate your input and you hit the nail on the head with so much you said. He was given a boundary prior to leaving....MY leaving. I calmly told him that this was my last straw. He had his night to his self, but he needed to understand that if he came home messed up, I wouldn't be there the next morning when he woke up.

I am done being the nightwatch, the scapegoat, the punching bag, the shoulder to cry on. I can't do it anymore for myself or for him. I cannot continue to sit back and watch him take over MY life.

I am proud of him though, I know Friday night wasn't easy for him. I hope that Friday gave him some extra belief in himself. He could use it.

Thank you all for looking out for me. I really appreciate it.

BrokenBridges24 10-01-2007 11:51 AM

Good for you Cateicc!!! You are very wise. :)


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