gearing up for battle...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
gearing up for battle...
Hello to my dear SR family.
I haven't been around much. I'm doing okay, though...I really am. My exah has been working out of state since June and its been a true time of healing and peace for me. My sweet little boy is doing well but he misses his dad something awful. Poor little guy. I know he struggles... He asks so many questions about how I met his dad...our wedding...our life before the divorce. He was going thru my jewelry box the other day and wanted to know where my wedding ring was. I didn't know what to say. He knows his dad and I split up because of his dad's problem with drugs and drinking...but I don't dwell on this fact...How could I tell him that the ring was pawned five or six times so that I could buy gas and food during the dark days and taht eventually, I just decided to let the ring go because it ceased to mean anything to me anymore. Of course, I can't tell him that...he doesn't need to know the gory details...He needs to love his dad and hold him in his heart. I know he harbors secret hopes that his dad and I will 'get married again'...he tells me this often...and I simply tell him that I know thats what he wishes for but that it won't happen. I reassure him that I love him...and his daddy loves him...and leave it at that. I can't say that these conversations don't pull at my heart strings because they do...but overall, we're going to be okay...he's going to be okay...despite the disappointment and heartache that lingers for him. Aside from counseling (which I might pursue soon), the only thing I can do is be consistent in my message to him and let him know that its okay to love and miss his daddy.
Well...
in the face of all this...
his dad is coming home for the weekend to visit our son. My son has been beside himself with joy all week. He's so excited and happy. I, on the other hand, am full of dread. My exah doesn't have a 'home' here. The only place my exah can see our son (under circumstances that I feel comfortable with) is at my home. And so exah is coming home tonight...and staying until Sunday morning. I plan on letting them have their time together but I know my exah has other ideas.
My exah will not accept that its over between us (in fact, its been over for a long time now). My exah lives in a fantasy world. He says he refuses to give up on me and 'us'. It doesn't matter what I say...or what I do...he refuses to accept it. Period. When he called last night to talk to our son, he started talking about how much he misses me...suggesting all kinds of 'family' things we might do together this weekend and I told him very clearly and plainly that the point of this brief visit is so that he can see our son. I am not part of the deal...I am not part of the equation. He cries...like its the first time he's heard such a thing out of my mouth. Its emotionally draining. It is.
I am allowing this visit because I think its what my son needs but I resent the fact that I have to allow my exah to see our son on my turf because there is no other option...at least no other option that I feel comfortable with. I will not leave my son with his father in a hotel room when exah has no car. I don't think exah is using drugs but I'm sure he is still deep in his alcoholism. I do not trust him with our son alone not so much because I think he would put our son in harm's way but because I don't want him filling our son's head with his own firmly held fantasies that he and I will reconcile someday. In fact, I plan to tell him that if he puts such nonsense into our son's head during this brief visit, that I will discontinue any and all contact. And I will.
My heart says my son needs this time with his dad. But I resent it. I really do. And for the last few days I 've felt my body tense up...and I've had diffiuclty sleeping because I konw I'll spend the weekend in high-alert...trying to extinguish his fantasy that we could reconcile...and trying to make sure that he doesn't get my son's hopes up. And yet, maybe the very act of visiting our son will do that anyway.
I don't know.
I'm tired of fighting this battle.
I"m grateful that I only have to fight it once every several months when exah comes home for a brief visit...but the weekend will leave me very drained...physically and emotionally. And I just pray that I"m doing the right thing. Its so hard to know how to handle this situation. It really is.
I dunno know...
I know i'm kind of rambling...
I just haven't been around much and wanted to share whats going on with my dear family here at SR.
huge hugs...
I haven't been around much. I'm doing okay, though...I really am. My exah has been working out of state since June and its been a true time of healing and peace for me. My sweet little boy is doing well but he misses his dad something awful. Poor little guy. I know he struggles... He asks so many questions about how I met his dad...our wedding...our life before the divorce. He was going thru my jewelry box the other day and wanted to know where my wedding ring was. I didn't know what to say. He knows his dad and I split up because of his dad's problem with drugs and drinking...but I don't dwell on this fact...How could I tell him that the ring was pawned five or six times so that I could buy gas and food during the dark days and taht eventually, I just decided to let the ring go because it ceased to mean anything to me anymore. Of course, I can't tell him that...he doesn't need to know the gory details...He needs to love his dad and hold him in his heart. I know he harbors secret hopes that his dad and I will 'get married again'...he tells me this often...and I simply tell him that I know thats what he wishes for but that it won't happen. I reassure him that I love him...and his daddy loves him...and leave it at that. I can't say that these conversations don't pull at my heart strings because they do...but overall, we're going to be okay...he's going to be okay...despite the disappointment and heartache that lingers for him. Aside from counseling (which I might pursue soon), the only thing I can do is be consistent in my message to him and let him know that its okay to love and miss his daddy.
Well...
in the face of all this...
his dad is coming home for the weekend to visit our son. My son has been beside himself with joy all week. He's so excited and happy. I, on the other hand, am full of dread. My exah doesn't have a 'home' here. The only place my exah can see our son (under circumstances that I feel comfortable with) is at my home. And so exah is coming home tonight...and staying until Sunday morning. I plan on letting them have their time together but I know my exah has other ideas.
My exah will not accept that its over between us (in fact, its been over for a long time now). My exah lives in a fantasy world. He says he refuses to give up on me and 'us'. It doesn't matter what I say...or what I do...he refuses to accept it. Period. When he called last night to talk to our son, he started talking about how much he misses me...suggesting all kinds of 'family' things we might do together this weekend and I told him very clearly and plainly that the point of this brief visit is so that he can see our son. I am not part of the deal...I am not part of the equation. He cries...like its the first time he's heard such a thing out of my mouth. Its emotionally draining. It is.
I am allowing this visit because I think its what my son needs but I resent the fact that I have to allow my exah to see our son on my turf because there is no other option...at least no other option that I feel comfortable with. I will not leave my son with his father in a hotel room when exah has no car. I don't think exah is using drugs but I'm sure he is still deep in his alcoholism. I do not trust him with our son alone not so much because I think he would put our son in harm's way but because I don't want him filling our son's head with his own firmly held fantasies that he and I will reconcile someday. In fact, I plan to tell him that if he puts such nonsense into our son's head during this brief visit, that I will discontinue any and all contact. And I will.
My heart says my son needs this time with his dad. But I resent it. I really do. And for the last few days I 've felt my body tense up...and I've had diffiuclty sleeping because I konw I'll spend the weekend in high-alert...trying to extinguish his fantasy that we could reconcile...and trying to make sure that he doesn't get my son's hopes up. And yet, maybe the very act of visiting our son will do that anyway.
I don't know.
I'm tired of fighting this battle.
I"m grateful that I only have to fight it once every several months when exah comes home for a brief visit...but the weekend will leave me very drained...physically and emotionally. And I just pray that I"m doing the right thing. Its so hard to know how to handle this situation. It really is.
I dunno know...
I know i'm kind of rambling...
I just haven't been around much and wanted to share whats going on with my dear family here at SR.
huge hugs...
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
Sounds like a tough situation (((Out)))
Br sure to stop in if it begins to get a little uncomfortable.
I'm not sure if you feel the need to be there for the better part of the weekend, but maybe making plans outside the home would be a good idea. If not, I would seriously consider tearing into a chore that has been waiting to be done, something that takes your mind off of the atmosphere, and lets you have an excuse to be close at hand, but not too close.
Have any rooms that need a sprucing up?
Good luck with the weekend, and keep reminding yourself its only a few days
(((Hugs)))
Cece
Br sure to stop in if it begins to get a little uncomfortable.
I'm not sure if you feel the need to be there for the better part of the weekend, but maybe making plans outside the home would be a good idea. If not, I would seriously consider tearing into a chore that has been waiting to be done, something that takes your mind off of the atmosphere, and lets you have an excuse to be close at hand, but not too close.
Have any rooms that need a sprucing up?
Good luck with the weekend, and keep reminding yourself its only a few days
(((Hugs)))
Cece
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: GA
Posts: 49
I have been divorced for three years and deal regularly with similar issues. My ex has to have supervised visits with our son. Orginally, her mom could supervise, and still does to some extent (my ex lives with her mom). But her mom has gotten wrapped up in her daughter's addiction and is so consumed with "protecting" her daughter from losing priviliges with our son that her judgement has become a bit clouded. Therefore I limit how much time he spends in that home.
I also know my son loves his mom and, as long as she's not high at that moment, I allow him to see her. She comes to MY house in the morning to have breakfast with our son before school. I allow her to tuck him in at night several times a week. I even let him go over to her house for dinner when her mother's (my ex mother in law) there since I can visually see her before and after the visit to determine if she's using. She cannot drive him, she cannot have him overnight until she can produce a clean hair drug test (which goes back 3 months and is virutally impossible to mess with the results). She has been unable to pass such a test.
It is not always easy to do these things, but it is good for the kids. And I simply remain pleasant. If you allow yourself to be resentful that he has to visit on "your turf", you will only make the atmosphere unpleasant for your child. Sometimes I just leave them in the living room and go in my room and give them some time. Other times I just hang out and read.
My pastor has been preaching a series on "love your enemy" and it has given me a better prespective on how to interact with my ex in these situations. I actually gain more peace when I do "love" her (which to me means, encouraging her relationship with our son when she's not using - but always under my guidelines and boundaries, and treating her respectfully). I also try not to be ugly, argumentative, etc. And it does give me peace.
Hope you find peace too.
LH
I also know my son loves his mom and, as long as she's not high at that moment, I allow him to see her. She comes to MY house in the morning to have breakfast with our son before school. I allow her to tuck him in at night several times a week. I even let him go over to her house for dinner when her mother's (my ex mother in law) there since I can visually see her before and after the visit to determine if she's using. She cannot drive him, she cannot have him overnight until she can produce a clean hair drug test (which goes back 3 months and is virutally impossible to mess with the results). She has been unable to pass such a test.
It is not always easy to do these things, but it is good for the kids. And I simply remain pleasant. If you allow yourself to be resentful that he has to visit on "your turf", you will only make the atmosphere unpleasant for your child. Sometimes I just leave them in the living room and go in my room and give them some time. Other times I just hang out and read.
My pastor has been preaching a series on "love your enemy" and it has given me a better prespective on how to interact with my ex in these situations. I actually gain more peace when I do "love" her (which to me means, encouraging her relationship with our son when she's not using - but always under my guidelines and boundaries, and treating her respectfully). I also try not to be ugly, argumentative, etc. And it does give me peace.
Hope you find peace too.
LH
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
Thanks ((((((((cece)))))
Yep...I have a list of things I want to do this weekend. Some will keep me close at hand and some will take me away from the house...
I plan on keeping myself very busy.
I just hope I'm doing the right thing.
Maybe this is just extreme codie behavior...trying to control the circumstances of my son's contact with his dad...but its not about that...not really...I don't think, anyway! Its about the fact that I don't trust exah to be a responsible parent that sends a healthy, consistent message to our son. I don't put it past my exah to try and use our son as a pawn in his quest to wrangle himself back into my life. I'd like to think he's above this type of behavior but I can't be sure. I can never be sure of anything where he is concerned.
Ahhh yaaay yaay.....
I'll be glad when the weekend is over. So very glad!!!
Thanks for your understanding heart and support...
Yep...I have a list of things I want to do this weekend. Some will keep me close at hand and some will take me away from the house...
I plan on keeping myself very busy.
I just hope I'm doing the right thing.
Maybe this is just extreme codie behavior...trying to control the circumstances of my son's contact with his dad...but its not about that...not really...I don't think, anyway! Its about the fact that I don't trust exah to be a responsible parent that sends a healthy, consistent message to our son. I don't put it past my exah to try and use our son as a pawn in his quest to wrangle himself back into my life. I'd like to think he's above this type of behavior but I can't be sure. I can never be sure of anything where he is concerned.
Ahhh yaaay yaay.....
I'll be glad when the weekend is over. So very glad!!!
Thanks for your understanding heart and support...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
((((LH)))))))
Thank you so much for your insight. I'm really going to try to remain pleasant...to stay in the background...to let my exah and son have some quality time together. You're so right...I need to find a way to let go of the resentment that this has to be done on my watch. The resentment isn't going to help anyone...least of all me. I need to really work on letting this go. Thanks for the gentle reminder.
Thank you so much for your insight. I'm really going to try to remain pleasant...to stay in the background...to let my exah and son have some quality time together. You're so right...I need to find a way to let go of the resentment that this has to be done on my watch. The resentment isn't going to help anyone...least of all me. I need to really work on letting this go. Thanks for the gentle reminder.
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
OOAL,
I don't want to wish your life away for you, but I'm wishing it was Monday already!
You're going to be okay.
36 hours.
You can get through this,
even if it's minute by minute.
Not much you can do, if you Exah has illusions of Grandeur, with YOU being the Grandeur!
You're doing a good thing for your little one, even though you have to suffer through the drama and turmoil.
Hugs and hugs to you....
I don't want to wish your life away for you, but I'm wishing it was Monday already!
You're going to be okay.
36 hours.
You can get through this,
even if it's minute by minute.
Not much you can do, if you Exah has illusions of Grandeur, with YOU being the Grandeur!
You're doing a good thing for your little one, even though you have to suffer through the drama and turmoil.
Hugs and hugs to you....
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Delaware
Posts: 201
Keep yourself positive. When dread sets in it is time to let go. Who knows it may turn out to be an ok weekend after all. You will be with your son. As parents you will make a memory for him. This is a nice thing you are doing. If it turns ugly remove the ugliness from the picture. It is your home. If he refuses to follow your rules he has to go. I would not spend my time worring over what he may or may not do. I would tell myself it will be ok and if it goes bad this is my plan of action. But the main thing is have the quality time with your child. That is what matters not his father and his bad behavior.
You are a wonderful mother and you should be proud of yourself for putting yourself out there like this to help your child. Don't set yourself up for failure. Stay positive and have a plan of action. If he acts up... out he goes. No questions. You have to take care of you and your son. He is an adult. He has made his bed. No he must lay in it! But don't you dare for one second feel anything but good about you and what you are doing for your child. It is truely the must loving and kind thing I have ever read! Your the best!
(((BIG HUG)))
-Broken
You are a wonderful mother and you should be proud of yourself for putting yourself out there like this to help your child. Don't set yourself up for failure. Stay positive and have a plan of action. If he acts up... out he goes. No questions.
You have to take care of you and your son. He is an adult. He has made his bed. No he must lay in it! But don't you dare for one second feel anything but good about you and what you are doing for your child. It is truely the must loving and kind thing I have ever read! Your the best! (((BIG HUG)))
-Broken
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
Thank you so much for all of your support, encouragment and mostly, your understanding hearts.
I can do this.
I can do this.
I can do this.
I'm doing this for my son.
Its my gift to him. He needs this.
And maybe it won't be so bad...
I've been full of dread...imagining the worst...but I'm going to try and make the most of things and maybe even steal a few moments of 'me' time this weekend...something I get very little of in 'real life'. And anyway...this weekend is nothing compared to the way my life USED to be..at least my life isn't defined by the addiction anymore...and thats what I need to focus on and be grateful for.
You are all so great...thanks from the bottom of my heart for your replies.
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
(((((OOAL)))))
As i read your post I thought of the Just for Today that I used this week to get through dark times...Just for today I can do something for 12 hours that would appall me if I had to keep it up for a lifetime.
I hope the visit is not what you are projecting...I hope your little guy enjoys his time with his dad and that you have more peace than you imagined possible given the circumstances. Love you OOAL
As i read your post I thought of the Just for Today that I used this week to get through dark times...Just for today I can do something for 12 hours that would appall me if I had to keep it up for a lifetime.
I hope the visit is not what you are projecting...I hope your little guy enjoys his time with his dad and that you have more peace than you imagined possible given the circumstances. Love you OOAL
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 232
Hi Outonalimb,
I hope all went well for you over the weekend. I'm just now catching up on all the posts(incredibly busy right now, but still making time for my kids and my Nar Anon meeting).
Just wishing you and your son the best...
Spinner
I hope all went well for you over the weekend. I'm just now catching up on all the posts(incredibly busy right now, but still making time for my kids and my Nar Anon meeting).
Just wishing you and your son the best...
Spinner
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
Thank you, again, for all of your encouragement and support. I may not be around much lately but this place...and all of you...are so incredibly dear...and special...to me...
I survived the weekend.
My son had a great time with his dad. My exah went to his first football game and the two of them must have played catch in the back yard for hours. My son was happy and thats all that matters right now.
I think my exah might have been drinking before he arrived on Friday night. I can't be sure but I thought I smelled alcohol. I didn't say anything. I let it go. He seemed fine for the rest of the weekend. After he left on Sunday afternoon, I had to dig thru the trash looking for some schoolwork that had been accidentally thrown out over the weekend. Lo and behold, I find an empty fifth of rum..my exah's drink of choice.
I don't know if this was from Friday night...or if it was an old bottle he came upon as we cleaned out my basement over the weekend...It really doesn't matter.
I'm glad my son got to visit his dad. He needed time with his dad, throwiing a football around in the backyard...The weekend was medicine for my son's soul.
And I"m not angry about the liquor bottle...just sad...
The next visit is supposed to take place at the end of this month. Of course, if the alcohol was consumed this weekend, my exah would have crossed a major boundary and I should discontinue the visitation. But if I ask exah about it, he'll just claim it was an old bottle. Whats the point in asking about it? There is none.
My goal is to just keep focused on the fact that my life is incredibly different..and better...than it used to be when I had to deal with addiction on a daily basis.
Just for today, I offer my exah up in prayer...and my son too.
Love and hugs to all...
I survived the weekend.
My son had a great time with his dad. My exah went to his first football game and the two of them must have played catch in the back yard for hours. My son was happy and thats all that matters right now.
I think my exah might have been drinking before he arrived on Friday night. I can't be sure but I thought I smelled alcohol. I didn't say anything. I let it go. He seemed fine for the rest of the weekend. After he left on Sunday afternoon, I had to dig thru the trash looking for some schoolwork that had been accidentally thrown out over the weekend. Lo and behold, I find an empty fifth of rum..my exah's drink of choice.
I don't know if this was from Friday night...or if it was an old bottle he came upon as we cleaned out my basement over the weekend...It really doesn't matter.
I'm glad my son got to visit his dad. He needed time with his dad, throwiing a football around in the backyard...The weekend was medicine for my son's soul.
And I"m not angry about the liquor bottle...just sad...
The next visit is supposed to take place at the end of this month. Of course, if the alcohol was consumed this weekend, my exah would have crossed a major boundary and I should discontinue the visitation. But if I ask exah about it, he'll just claim it was an old bottle. Whats the point in asking about it? There is none.
My goal is to just keep focused on the fact that my life is incredibly different..and better...than it used to be when I had to deal with addiction on a daily basis.
Just for today, I offer my exah up in prayer...and my son too.
Love and hugs to all...
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Delaware
Posts: 201
(((((((((hug))))))))
You are a very incredibly strong woman. Too many people miss the silver linings in this world because they are searching for gold. You are so healthy you are content with the silver and what we all see is gold. You are the light to your son. Some day when he is older he will greatly appreciate your worth.
I am glad everything went ok. Even the bottle in the trash bag showed you that you can be sad but he still needs prayers. So I pray for your Exah and your son today…
Thank you for sharing. You really help me think about things clearer. Thanks for that.
-Broken
You are a very incredibly strong woman. Too many people miss the silver linings in this world because they are searching for gold. You are so healthy you are content with the silver and what we all see is gold. You are the light to your son. Some day when he is older he will greatly appreciate your worth.
I am glad everything went ok. Even the bottle in the trash bag showed you that you can be sad but he still needs prayers. So I pray for your Exah and your son today…
Thank you for sharing. You really help me think about things clearer. Thanks for that.
-Broken
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Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
((OOAL))
You are awesome. What a great mom you are! I have the answer for next time... but you'll need to find a few more chairs for the living room.
CODIE ROAD TRIP ! We'll all drop by and just hang out. It will be fun!
HUGS
Cats
You are awesome. What a great mom you are! I have the answer for next time... but you'll need to find a few more chairs for the living room.
CODIE ROAD TRIP ! We'll all drop by and just hang out. It will be fun!
HUGS
Cats
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