First time for everything...
 

When my boyfriend and I first began dating, he sought help for a heroin and pain killer addiction. A great motivator of that change, was after our first date when he realized he wanted to be a better person so that we could be together (his father told me this, not him). I didn't know about his abuse until maybe the 7th or 8th month of being together and I didn't study up on it or think a relapse was in the shadows.

Two days ago his sister told me her and his parents believe he did in fact relapse. We came together Tuesday night (including his good friend) and confronted him with the facts. He denied it, and I felt for him. He had been complaining that his family keeps hounding him about relapsing which made him upset. I figured he was right. He left that conversation and asked me to go with him to the mall to get away... I tried to talk to him, but I got nothing. I knew in my heart, right then, that he was lying to my face. He finally confessed that he'd "done some pills, within the past month." I still didn't buy it. He refused to go home so we went to the movie theater, where I talked to him a little, and I made him promise that that was all there was to it. He promised to me. He looked me in the eyes and promised. I ate it up.

Before the movie, he spent 30 minutes in the restroom. When he finally came in the theater where I was waiting, and I asked where he had been, he said he was crying about how he had hurt me. I didn't buy it, but I kept my mouth shut. He acted rudely and strangely the whole movie, and after, he spent another 30 minutes in the restroom. This was the same incident as on his birthday, where before dinner with his relatives, he spent 30 minutes in the restroom. Every day after work I go to school, and during that time, he'd say he is at the mall or something, and he was just out doing drugs. Lying to me, and doing drugs.

I don't know why I didn't say anything so many times. I remember how I'd wake up at night and he wasn't in bed, and I'd find him sitting alone in his car in the garage. I should have pushed him. I knew he was doing drugs, but I didn't say enough. And I let him lie to me when I knew he was lying. I let him get away with it.

He confessed to smoking heroin yesterday, he said he did it pretty much every other day for the past month and a half. He said he got a call from an old "contact" and it just started. HOW CAN I KNOW THAT WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN? How can I even feel a little assured that it won't? Why didn't he come to me when he got that call and tell me he might do something stupid? Why didn't he include me??? He was sober... so why didn't he tell me?

Because of his constant deceit, I have trouble trusting him at all now. That month and a half includes our vacation to Mexico (where he says a bouncer was hassling him about drugs -- but he says wasn't doing drugs); our anniversary; his birthday; countless intimate moments.

He has said that he will stop and he is seeking help, but I don't know what to make of it. I just have to trust that he is, which is next to impossible. I don't feel close to him. I don't want to be intimate with him. This isn't the person I knew. After tearing myself up about our relationship, I start driving myself crazy wondering if he is on drugs or not, where is going, what he is doing with his time, why he is up late, why does he have an attitude, whether or not he sees his doctor, talks to his family, you name it. I am working on detaching myself... but I can't shake the feeling that it's not the same relationship anymore.

I just realized for the first time that the man I want to marry may be on drugs if we have kids. We may have to stage interventions again. He may relapse again. How do you handle that? Emotionally, I am worn out. I have been disowned by my family for him (over religious issues) along with a slew of other things... I don't know how to cope.

I guess I wanted to vent and get some help on the trust issue, and learning how to better cope with it. Any advice would be greatly appreciated, especially on how to move forward in a relationship.

Thanks to those who could read all of it!

((Sara))

Welcome to SR. I'm sorry this is all happening. Addiction knows no limits. I'm real sick right now and don't have a lot of energy left to write out the very very long response I have in my head right now, but I did want to respond and let you know that we care. I'll be back tomorrow to respond properly.

Hugs and Prayers
B

Hi Sara,

There are the three C's that are very important to remember. You didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't change it. You can only change yourself. As sad as it is, nothing you ever do will change him. We can't love them well, we can't coerse them, threaten them, plead with them or do anything. That is a hard pill to swallow. But, what we can do, is change ourselves. We stop enabling. We start loving and caring for ourselves, we work our steps. And in the process of turning our attention inward, we sometimes help them. By removing our enabling actions, we remove their safety net, their cushion. We help break the never ending cycle of addiction and enabling.

You have already started. You are educating yourself. Read, Read, Read. Find a Naranon meeting, keep comming here, surround yourself with a support system of people who are going through the very same thing you are.

Others will be along soon that have a world of love and experience. I'm sending hugs and prayers to you.

B

You are in the right place, welcome. Addiction is a living hell for all involved.
prayers for you,
susan

Lying and drugs go together. Lying has to happen to keep the addiction going - plain and simple. NOTHING you do is going to change that.

On the other hand, you do have to power to decide what you're willing to put up with. While active in addiction, the man you think you love is not there. And I'm happy to see you thinking about what the ramifications might be if you choose to make this man the father of your children. It's one thing to subject yourself to this insanity, it's quite another to knowingly and willingly subject future children to it.

Had a I known about my ex wife's pill addiction prior to our marriage, our wedding never would have happened (she developed the addiction during the course of our marriage). And I certainly never would have wanted my son to go through what he's gone through with his mother.

Think long and hard about what YOU deserve in a man, in a relationship and in your future life - then see if this guy fits the bill. I'd be highly surprised if he does.

LH

I am always envious of the ones that find out BEFORE marriage or kids and my first mind is to always tell them "RUN For the hills.. get off get off get off" before the actual ride starts. But I know we all have a road to travel to get to where we want to be. I had 2 kids and was married 15 years before my now xhb started smoking crack.. I was literally STUCK for much longer than I wanted to be, and I had advice coming from all angles, I went to Al-Anon and it was there that I realized the only person I was going to change was ME. His promises and trust ran out and I was left emotionaly & physically bankrupt.
We are now divorced but have a great relationship and he has been clean/sober for 16 months without my nagging, complaining, persistance. Once I let go, he was able to do it for himself.

Sara,

Your question "How can I know it won't happen again?" just broke my heart.

Because the answer is: You can't. Not ever. Not for the rest of your life. I'm so sorry.

It is very difficult to think about moving forward in a relationship when there is no trust, when the lies just keep coming, and when one member is in active addiction.

I'm glad you're thinking about the ramifications of marrying a man like this. Know that he will always be an addict -- the only thing that may change is whether he is currently sober or currently using, which will be a fear you'll have forever.

Is that what you want for your life?

I'm sorry in advance because this is not what you want to hear, but if you want advice it's this: Try to separate yourself (physically and/or emotionally) from him until he has proven - beyond a shadow of a doubt - that he is in a treatment facility and that he's working a program of recovery. Set that boundary, help him find a facility if that's what you wish to do, but stop letting him feel as though he can tell you anything and you'll "bite." That's what addicts do.

If you want to regain your trust, a good start -- it is a long, long, long process -- is to demand at least six months of sobriety before you'll agree to move forward with a relationship with him.

But truly, in my heart of hearts, I want to tell you that in trying to rekindle the feelings you used to have, you are driving yourself straight to heartbreak. People who serially abuse substances and lie about it, whether or not they take a break for a while, will drain all of the joy out of life. A (very) few do get better and stay sober for life, true, but again there's the caveat of ALWAYS wondering if some stressful time or event will push them back into a relapse. You will spend the rest of your life walking on eggshells, in fear that he will once again turn into the active addict. If you are ready to pledge your entire life to that challenge, then so be it. But know that's what you're doing if you stay with this man.

Life may hold other things for you -- other relationships that will bring you great joy and trust, not stress and lies. Just consider that possibility. You deserve better than a life of lies. And your someday-children deserve better than life with an addict dad.

Hugs and strength to you, to do what's right for YOU. You are deserving of a great Love without all of this added baggage.

Love,
GL

Thanks to all of you for the kind words and messages. I will look into some NarAnon meetings and see if I can get some help that way. I just have to find a way to make time for that.

I don't know that I am ready to give up on him yet. How often do addicts relapse? Is it generally a never ending cycle? What percentage actually stay clean? Is it foolish to think after he takes care of himself this time, he won't do it again? I have heard from his family that relapsing once is the rule... but is that the only time I should expect it? I am worried about leaving him alone, because I care about him so much, and when he was sober, I know he cared about me the same.

I told him about my trust issue and he just threw my only big past mistake in my face. It makes me feel like on top of caring about him and feeling like I should be by his side, I also OWE him my support, because he did the same for me. Not on the same scale, but... lying is lying. What do you guys make of that? Is that just making excuses for myself to stay, or is it something I should deeply consider?

Thanks for all of your support.

Edit: I will also take some time to reply to your posts tonight.

Sounds like making excuses to me. But you yourself have to get sick and tired of it all - we can't make that happen for you. I think most of us here just see a train wreck and hope to warn the person.

As far as your question about recovery of addicts, I've been told (although I have nothing to back this up) that only about 10% of addicts who actually seek recovery, ever maintain any meaningful longterm success - not great odds.

You talk about "owing him", what about what you owe yourself? I will say what I said in another post. Go back a read your original post as though it was your daughter writing it (whether you actually have a daughter or not), then think about what you'd tell HER. You might gain alot of insight from that exercise.

Whatever you decide, be safe and well.

LH

Hey there (((SaraUT)))

Welcome!

I hate to lump all addicts together and say anything bad about someone I do not even know.

It seems like addiction takes down some pretty good people though the smart, funny, talented, attractive ones seem to go down too.

So many of us fell in love with one person and met up with someone else in our loved one's body. Even when they are at their worst many of us can still see glimpses of the one we love.

But ya know love doesn't seem to do well without the element of justice or balance thrown in. When one person in a relationship does stuff that tears the relationship down while the other person is fighting to keep the status quo how is that balanced?

You want to also consider that there does seem to be a genetic link to addiction and having children with someone who is an addict could also affect your children to become addicts. Do you really want that?

I am sure your heart wants to give him every benefit of the doubt. He does not need this. He needs to be held accountable for his actions especially if his actions are hurting you or the relationship. I am sure he is hurting and he knows what he is doing is wrong. You are in a tough situation with your heart cause you love him and I know you want to be kind and understanding.

Try separating him from his addiction hear the voice of his addiction see his actions for what they are.

Learn how to detach with love. Give yourself some space and time.

I think when addicts see people they love backing off from them it can help them to break free. If your detachment does not help to pull him back into the boat so to say
then he might be in deeper than you realize and you do need to protect yourself.

I can tell you 2 things I know of that don't work and that is bitching and trying to second guess them.

A cool head and your actions based on what is best for you can just blow their minds.
The addiction tells them and reminds them that you will and have put up with their lying and other nonsense and the more you put up with it the more they will be inclined to do it. Just as their actions speak for them so do ours speak for us...

You be well and be at peace and you will find your answers....

Sara~

I hurt reading your post. I know your pain. It is still very real to me. There is no knowing that he will continue in recovery.

You will never be able to change him, not now or ever. He may adapt to your demands for awhile or just allow you to think he has changed, but he will only ever change when he is good and ready. For me this means backing off completely which is the hardest thing in the world since so much of my self-worth and security was wrapped around this relationship. My abf is in a sober house in Florida and accepting that I have no control of whether or not he tells me the truth is one of the hardest things in the world. I shift in and out of denial, but the angle and perspective at which I view the situation differs greatly for me from time to time and that determines how much pain I experience.

In order for me to keep some sense of sanity or serenity I must believe my life is worth focusing on, developing and validating myself. I also must realize that at any point in time he can relapse and I must never NOT be aware of this fact. He is in charge of his recovery and basing so much on that is very risky. Most recently I am beginning to discern when I am feeling panic and anxiety because he is not acting in a way that puts my fears of his usage or love for me to rest- these are the times I am giving him the power over the direction of my life. Realistically, giving a drug addict power over our emotions and sanity is insane but so many of us know no other way than to try to "right" those we love so that they can be healthy for us.

I wish I was farther along in my recovery so I had more words of wisdom to offer. I know the months of lies and betrayal. The giving of oneself to another and the intimatcy that is destroyed through addiction. The path back to trust for me feels so heavy and painful at times.
So often I even find myself caught up in basing my self-worth around his recovery- I personalize the disease so much at times that all anything ever is, is a reflection of his lack of love for me which makes continues the cycle of inadequacy and worthlessness.

Addicts make us doubt our reality. As my abf said to me the other day, in active addiction it was his "job" to lie. That is what he did for a living- was conceal his addiction. I felt so foolish and angry at myself for standing by him, for being weak, for not knowing better the reality of all of it. I STILL am quite angry and resentful towards myself and towards him which makes forgiving very difficult. I felt so dumb for accepting the lies because I know I wanted to and because I didn't realize the power and destructiveness of addiction. I cannot even EXPRESS the insanity I would feel when I would know something wasn't right yet he would aggressively deny it. I began to doubt and distrust myself until I had literally abandon myself. This was a man who had made me believe in love again and had earned my trust ten fold only to betray me in a way I never, ever imagined was possible. For me, my fists are tightly clenched around "his recovery", his days, his this and that and etc. and I reject my life and myself. I am working on not doing this. I falter so incredibly much, backslide and forget all the principles I am working so hard to practice. If you can get to an Al-Anon meeting I recommend that. It's scary- yes, but at the same time it has helped me regain some sense of stability and sanity that occurs just out of being in a room with people who understand your pain.
You are not alone.

((((Sara))) You have to do what is best for you. Only you know that. You are not alone. We are here with you. Keep coming back and post as much as you need to. We do understand. We will stand with you always.

-Broken

I could have typed those words myself. Heather You hit it all.
My xhb has 16 months and has more than made ammends to me and our kids, but the hurt and that type of humiliation just doesn't go away.
We all backslide from time to time.
For me I have accepted that I may not ever get over the things he has done when in active addiction.. but I have learned that it's ok.. some things you just can't get past.. period. That's ok. For now we have a great friendship, a mutual respect, boundaries and two pretty decent teenagers (though they drive me crazy)

I have no words of wisdom except to let you know I feel exactly what you are going through. After being with a wonderful person and falling in love,the drugs got the best of him again. He cries and tells me he wants a normal life,how sad he is for hurting me,how angry he is for doing this all over again. Its hard for me to believe its all a bunch of BS because I love him and have faith in him. I just can't do it anymore. I don't know how you can lie to someone you claim to love,to hurt them,I feel as though I wasn't good enough-he left me for the drugs. I am still foolishly hanging on but I need to let go.I just don't know how to.

Wouldn't it be nice to be able to go to Borders and get the book "Living and loving an addict for dummies"?
Smack of reality. no book, no manual.

This is what set me in motion and changed MY life. I just simply couldn't do it any longer.
Your not foolish.. when the pain of staying is more than the pain of leaving you'll know it.
Also.. many people think letting go means giving up, that's not true.
I never gave up hope with my xhb, I just had to put myself and our two kids first and let him find his own way. 16 months clean and sober and a constant vigilance of recovery and he thanks me for letting go today.
Yesterday he came over with pizza (my cat is sick, she's 20 years old and we have had her since we got married, so we were sitting vigilant by her side) and he brought me a card.. the words were long but the jist of it was "Thanks for letting me get to where I needed to go and knowing when to let go". We both love the line in Kenny Rogers song "You got to know when to hold em, know when to fold em, know when to walk away, know when to run" It is very true.

You Guys are Great!
 

Thank you all so much for continuing to give me support. I have been immersed in school and my own personal battles that I forgot I need to take care of myself, and being here makes me feel a little better about being where I am in life.

He did go into withdrawals, so that's a good step. I helped him through that first difficult day. He is going to see his doctors once a week now. I feel that there have been some obvious changes made in the right direction. I hope they continue, but I don't expect anything at this point, because I just can't take another revelation like that. As much as I want to be supportive, I just couldn't do it again.

After reading some other threads, I made a list of how I am going to detach myself. I think it was a great help. I don't go thru his phone anymore, I don't ask him if he is using, I don't ask where he has been, basically... I let him lead his life the way he would had he never had a problem. I don't push him to do anything now. When this problem first surfaced, we talked about changing his number together, and after reading that thread, I told him if he really wanted to make that commitment and change, he needed to do it himself. I told him I'd be supportive and take care of him (not his problems). I'm going to try and stick to it, but watching the relationship with the love of your life founder is too much to bear.

frankly - The three C's have helped me SO much! I would have never made it out of the abyss I fell into the night it happened had I not realized that I didn't cause it, I can't change it and I can't cure it.

LH - thank you for all of your wisdom. I am so sorry for your situation and for what your son has gone through. I will never put any children into such a place. I am sure you do see a train wreck coming, and with your experience, I wouldn't doubt it. I guess I just have to feel things out before I decide to ship out.

GiveLove - The boundaries are so useful for me. I have also put everything on hold. I want to be supportive without doing it for him. I hope that he will grow more as a person now that he has to control his WHOLE life, rather than just his addiction. There were many other growing up problems that he now has to deal with and one day I'm sure he will.

Thank you. This is obviously something I need to work on... I try to talk to him about our relationship problems, and all he does is get mad at me. I don't even know why I bother about it anymore. It doesn't feel like there is much left from what there used to be. I miss it so much though. I miss when I could actually talk about something wrong with "us" without being told I am "just bitching" or having him say "when am I not in trouble?" I'm actually up now because I was just bitching when I was really concerned about something...

HKAngel - thank you so much for that story. It means a lot to hear from you. The way you wrote some things really made me see my situation in your words. How you explained knowing something was wrong and being lied to anyway touched me. Unfortunately, I knew he was lying but I didn't push for the truth. I let him do it.

BrokenBridges - thank you. I will come back as often as time permits, hopefully I will be able to help people at some point, rather than spill my guts.

DoingWell - I'm glad to see that you have found some amount of peace. Those lyrics "You got to know when to hold em, know when to fold em, know when to walk away, know when to run," really ring true for all of us here. It's getting to believe them that's the hard part.

Intoodeep - he says the same things to me -- that he is sorry, he knows he was wrong, he will make it better. These words are of little consolation to a jaded mind and heart, but I am still clinging to the hope that his words are true, and that he is a fighter.

Oh yeah, he still hasn't changed his number (the basic reason he said he started again was getting a call from a dealer). He did manage to add Caller Tunes to his phone though. I gotta add "don't expect anything" to my list of how to detach. :-(

As an aside, I wanted to look through his phone, get that dealer's number and set up a sting so bad. How many of you have done anything or thought about that before?

**If I missed your post, I apologize**

SaraUT

You've gotten a lot of good advice here and it sounds like you are moving in the right direction - taking care of you.

Just an opinion from a recovering addict about setting up a "sting". They say here "hands off the addict" and I believe that. I was totally immersed in the drug scene for 3 years and I can tell you that I have yet to see ANYONE (dealer or user) who didn't eventually get caught because of their own actions.

Even if you take one person out of the picture there are way too many to take their place. If a person wants to get dope, they will find a way. If I wanted to use today, even though I am in a town 1-1/2 hrs away from where I was when I was using, I could easily find someone to get dope from.

I totally understand where you're coming from. But follow the advice here and put your focus on you. They will also tell you that you don't have to make a decision to stay or go today. Only you can decide if the relationship is worth staying in or at what point "enough is enough".

The more you educate yourself on addiction (and it sounds like you're doing very well at that), the better you are able to take care of YOU. Yes, relapse is always a possibility in recovery, but it's not a requirement. Some people relapse several times, but they learn a little more each time and they finally "get it".

I wish you the best of luck!!

Amy

Your post is so much like how I feel. I'm still so new to all this. I'm still grasping the fact that there is no answer to those questions.

Like some of the other posts, I advise you not to marry. My husband started out with his fraternity taking a few pills while drinking, but I was convinced it wasn't a problem. Especially because he has a prescription for one of the pills. I married him anyway.

Now, he has progressed to using crack. He does it in his car, much like the way you described your boyfriend. He'll go driving instead of coming home after work. That's how I know he's done it. I ordered some drug tests from the internet because they're so expensive in drug stores. The last time he did it, he had been clean for many months, and a seller called and offered him some. He only had $13 in his pocket, so it didn't buy him much, but he did buy it.

We have a two year old, and my life had resorted to checking the floor daily to make sure nothing was there. I even licked a piece of deoderant that was in the floor in the bathroom one day because I thought it was something bad. Trust me, you do not want to live like that.

Sara, you sound like you've got a good plan. A plan is essential whenever you're dealing with addiction.

Nice work!!

You mention that you keep wanting to talk to him about problems in your relationship. Are there other problems besides his heroin use? It's not unusual for certain men to not want to address such things. They don't understand why it's so important to us. But notice I say "certain men" -- I'd say the guys in my life are split 50-50. Half are like TV sitcom guys, who would rather stick a fork in their neck than "talk about us." The other half are empathetic enough to try to understand, and work through it. Sounds like this guy might fall in the first category.

Think about what you want out of a long term relationship. If this kind of attitude isn't going to work for you over the long haul, you may want to consider finding a way to support him as a friend rather than as a mate. It's hell to have to deny our desire to communicate freely with our spouse, and stuff down our desire to be listened to.

Good luck and hugs
GL

jumping in a bit late, saraUT - welcome! k