Jaded Diva

(Sorry this is long, but necessary to understand what is going on right now)
Last year, in April, my husband Scott, was charged with theft over $500, due to "borrowing" a $700 tool from his job and getting a pawn loan against it. The tool was returned to the employer. He was given a pbj in exchange for pleading guilty (he had no lawyer at the time), plus 3 years supervised probation and was ordered to once a week AA/NA meetings at a June court date. In May of last year, he was charged with DUI after running his truck into a ditch, leaving the scene and then coming back to meet a tow truck driver. That case never went to trial – it was scheduled for July of this year, but was put on stet after our attorney asked for it, since Scott had this "bigger" case that he was charged with.



Needless to say, he wasn't doing what he was supposed to be doing and continued to use drugs, didn't go to meetings and once he started meeting with his probation agent, was ordered to more meetings. He didn't go.



So the probation agent filed for a Violation of Probation. A court date was set for October, and we retained an attorney. The court date was reset for December. In the meantime, my husband's drug use got continually worse, and he entered into outpatient treatment for about a month before the advised he go to inpatient treatment. My insurance company would cover 60 days of treatment, and he was sent to a short term inpatient rehab on the Eastern Shore. I dropped him off the day after Thanksgiving. Both the VOP hearing and the DUI trial scheduled for December court dates were postponed, due to him being in treatment. However, two weeks later, he was sent home by the facility, saying he had completed treatment and didn't need the full 60 days since he had a home, a family and a job. I was stunned.



Both the VOP and DUI court dates were now rescheduled for February. The DUI case got postponed by the court due to scheduling, and was now set for July. The VOP hearing was cancelled due to the court being closed because of snow. It was now rescheduled for March 30 th.



I did not attend the court date, due to work. The hearing went on until 6 pm that Friday evening and after much court debate, and a completely unprofessional probation agent (who upon a previous home inspection was rude to my face, and screamed at our attorney outside the court room while waiting for trial in front of other people) who embellished a lot of what really was happening, my husband had the PBJ revoked, and was given a 4 year felony sentence pending an order to undergo a substance abuse assessment. He was told to report to the Howard County Detention Center on April 3 rd. I was stunned. How could he be given FOUR years for that?? Yes, he took his employer's tool (a floor jack used to move cars), it was given back, and the employer and manager did not want to press charges – they had to file a theft report in order to get the item out of pawn. However, Howard County went forward with the charges. He's been friends with the manager for years and even the owner felt terrible, because all they wanted was for him to get help – not sit in jail.



Within 10 days, he was assessed by the Howard County Health Department (who through this whole ordeal has been the only agency of any help and have been very professional and courteous), and was said to need long term inpatient treatment. We were back to court in mid April to review the findings, and the judge ordered an 8-507 Treatment Order, which means the ADAA, under the DHMH, will find a bed for him using funding. Since he was found to need level III.V care, which is six months of inpatient treatment, there are only 2 facilities that contract with the State – Guadenzia in Baltimore and Second Genesis in Crownsville. We were told by the State, the ADAA and even the court that the wait should not be too long, and he was not signed up for any in-jail treatment program, because they did not think he'd have to wait so long. The judge scheduled a follow up hearing in early June to see where they were in placing him, and hopefully, he'd already be placed. She also suspended his sentence to 18 months pending completion of treatment, meaning if he completed treatment she'd suspend that, after our attorney asked for it to be suspended to 1 year. The judge said she wanted to be able to hold something over his head, and the 18 months was the maximum she could sentence him to in order to not have him sent to the DOC, and to keep him in the county detention center.



Two days before the hearing, we learned that the treatment order, signed by the judge on April 18th was never forwarded to the ADAA. He wasn't even on the list for a bed! A court clerk had simply filed the order in his file. So from April to early June, no one was looking for a bed for him, and he sat at the Detention Center with no treatment – only sporadic AA meetings brought into the jail. Needless to say, the judge was not happy when we went to court, and said she'd try and expedite things, but I was not very trusting. Her own court clerk's office had failed us.



In late June, we were told Scott was on a list for Gaudeniza in Baltimore, which I was very happy about, because it would not be in the Annapolis area, like Second Genesis was. This was the area that my husband had used in and frequented, and we wanted him to be out of the area so much, that in March, when we sold our townhouse in the Crofton area, I had relocated to Howard County. I was hoping he'd do better in another area.



On July 25th, much to my dismay, he was sent to Second Genesis. I was allowed to bring him clothes, and I was shocked to see this "renowned" facility. It's in one of the old Crownsville Hospital Buildings, and I could not believe that the State would allow this building to be occupied, much less actually pay Second Genesis $80 per day to "treat" people here. The building is aging, in need of repair – paint was peeling from the walls and ceilings just in the foyer area.



My husband was there for 40 days before being "terminated". In the 40 days he was there, he was given no medical treatment for kidney stones that had developed about a week or so after he was there, nor did they treat him for severe anxiety and a panic attack he experienced a week after being brought there. Instead, they sent him to the ER, where he was held in the ER for 30 hours being "observed" and waiting to see whether or not he would be admitted to the psychiatric unit at the hospital or sent to a State facility. During this time, I was called on a Sunday afternoon and was told the director wanted to "medically release" him from the facility! But he was ORDERED there by the judge! Fearing he'd go back to jail, I begged them to wait to see what happened in the ER. We were then told by the ER they were getting a "state paid bed" and he could sign himself out, but they would have him "certified" by two doctors and be barred from leaving. He was admitted at the 30 th hour (the maximum allowed by law) at the hospital and discharged 4 days later on a Thursday, and given antidepressants and was told to have a psychiatrist with Second Genesis follow up. They never did. Instead, upon returning, he was told by his counselor he was going to be kicked out. The next day, when his counselor was off, he was told to leave the premises at 5 pm on a Friday. How convenient. Court is closed, can't contact his probation agent (who he had yet to meet and comes to the facility weekly) or his lawyer. Interestingly enough, I got a call mere minutes before Scott called me to tell me he had been told to leave, by my lawyer – the probation agent my husband had yet to meet filed a Violation of Probation to have him put back in jail, because he had gone to the hospital! And Second Genesis had sent him!

The lawyer had a lengthy conversation with the judge after she'd received the email from the agent at 3 pm that day, and she said she would not sign a warrant and denied the violaton. Two hours later, Second Genesis told him to leave the property – and would not let him take his things. He walked about a mile to a payphone to call me. I was livid.



I called Second Genesis, spoke to the acting director, who was rude, and I told him they had to let him back – he was court ordered. I brought Scott back and demanded they let him back in. They then insisted Scott had "signed himself out". If he did, why did he not take his things? They couldn't answer that, nor could anyone look me in the eye and tell me he walked out – nor would they give me a written statement. They agreed to let him back but he would be put on "contract" – meaning he was "punished" for leaving. I couldn't believe that, but they let him back in.



A week later, he was complaining of severe stomach pain and was accused of faking. He was made to sit on a sofa for 2 hours before the staff nurse had someone take him to the ER. It was found he had kidney stones. A few days later, he had pain again, this time, the ADAA happened to be there doing some sort of audit. The nurse had a totally different attitude and immediately called an ambulance to take him to the ER. No one tried to set him up with a doctor or anything – they'd just send him to the ER. He ended up going 11 times, with no insurance, no job to be able to pay for it (they don't allow you to work) – and is now stuck with about $18k in ER bills from area hospitals. He doesn't qualify for Medicaid, that would pay retroactively, because he isn't deemed "disabled" for more than a year. And the State, although they will pay the facility all this money for a joke of treatment, won't cover medical care, and facility that says they do, does not. They have staff nurses, but all they do is give out meds and band-aids and that is about it. He was ordered there, yet did not have basic medical care available to him. Now when this is all over, he's even more behind in life – with a ton of debt.



On his 11th ER visit, Second Genesis refused to pick him up from the ER. He was sent with an escort and upon being released couldn't find the escort so he immediately called Second Genesis, who told him that they had already picked him up, he was terminated from the program and that a nurse at the hospital and had seen Scott leave the premises with his wife and son. This was impossible – I was with my parents the entire day and had not left their home. They weren't having it – and it was on Labor Day. Again, no court open, etc.. In the meantime, I took Scott back to Second Genesis, argued with Staff to let him back in, and they wouldn't even give me anything in writing, which I was not comfortable with, because they could come back saying he left on his own. In the meantime, the acting director had about 20 men file out of the building, out to the front to sit on picnic tables and stare me down. And he smirked the whole time. They had my husband's belongings on the sidewalk in trash bags and most of his clean clothes, toiletries and personal items – such as a walkman, radio and hair clippers – were missing. I asked for the items and was told to file a police report. So I called Anne Arundel County police. They came out, and as they pulled up, staff and clients yelled things like "Run Scott you're in for it now" – I'm guessing they thought he had a warrant. The officers were very nice, asked that Second Genesis let him back in and they refused, with the staff member on duty laughing at the whole situation. Completely unprofessional. Calls and messages left for the director went unreturned.



So the next day, with our lawyer, we went back to court, to learn that the probation agent, who Scott had STILL yet to meet, had filed numerous complaints on behalf of Second Genesis to have him taken out of the program because they didn't want to deal with it,saying it was disruptive. Yet, they are the only inpatient treatment facility out of the two that will do "cocurrent" treatment meaning they also address mental health issues, like depression, anxiety. However since leaving the hospital for his 4 day psychiatric stay, not one staff member at Second Genesis had interviewed or assessed him or even followed up as to how he was feeling. The judge had already prepared a warrant to send Scott back to the detention center until he got his "medical" issues under control – which would be paid for by the State while he was incarcerated. She also said she had contacted the ADAA about the situation and they did their own investigation and felt Second Genesis just didn't want to deal with his issues. Yet no one from the ADAA even asked to speak to my husband, nor actually spoke with him. How can anyone know anything if they don't even address the person they are supposedly "helping". After much discussion, he was ordered to go to the Helping Up Mission in Baltimore City until he could get his situation handled medically. But she also ordered him to have another drug evaluation and a psych evaluation – to be done by the Howard County Health Department. A court date was then scheduled for October 4 th to review these findings. Upon leaving court, I took him to be evaluated, which they did immediately, and it was found he only needs outpatient treatment. He no longer meets the criteria for inpatient treatment, due to being almost 6 months clean. Also, the HDHD no longer do psych evaluations and referred us to Sheppard Pratt, who have told us 4 different answers about whether they do them or not, 3 said no only if you have severe problems, and one said yes, but no openings until the end of October. So Scott tried going to different social service type agencies and facilities in Baltimore City while at Helping Up Mission – and then they asked him to leave because they said they could not have him leaving all day to do these things. Not to mention, he went back to the ER after finally passing the kidney stones. He needed medical care, they knew it, but dragged their feet in allowing him to get it. All they wanted was for him to commit to their one year residential treatment program, which they didn't have a bed for yet. In the meantime, he was made to sleep in their homeless shelter section every night – with street people who brought in their own drugs and did it right in front of him. It was a nightmare.

After about two weeks, they told him to leave – 5 pm on a Friday. Since then, we have contacted facility after facility, program after program, halfway houses, etc. Basically, he's too "clean" to be accepted into 28 or 30 day treatment programs, which would then send him to a halfway house. Most halfway houses or full or require you come directly from treatment or have told us he has too much clean time. Howard County only has 2 men's halfway houses, both are full and one put him on the waiting list. We are trying to get him in somewhere, because we doubt the judge is just going to let him come home, go to work and do the outpatient treatment. She is just not convinced he's able to that. Today, my husband has an interview for a good house, bordering our county and they have a space available, and he can work, and they have good strict rules, but he can still go to court when he has to and after 30 days can go out in the evenings to do outpatient. I pray they accept him, and that the judge is okay with this when we go to court.



The Howard County Health Department set up an intensive outpatient treatment program with 2 nights a week of group counseling and 2 nights a week of individual counseling, and weekly urinalysis testing, for 180 days, all of which he has already started, in addition to daily AA or NA meetings. He's gotten more help from that in the two short weeks he's been doing it, along with a great support system from the 12 step community that he's met in the Columbia area. The HCHD also sent their findings to the judge and will discuss the case with her. They have also stated that if she wants him in treatment, they will not place him there with county or state funds, because they will not place someone in a facility when they do not meet the criteria. The judge seems to be intent on "sending" him somewhere and is convinced she needs to "keep him clean". Well, if she's afraid he'll go use, she can check all his drug tests since going to jail, and they've all been clean. He's had ample opportunity to use and has not. Also, if she's afraid addicts will go use if they aren't locked up somewhere, then she may as well order all addicts to jail for life – because the opportunity for anyone to use is there any where at any time, regardless of where you are.



However, the October 4th court date is still looming. We have no idea what the judge will do. One of the last things she said to my husband at the September 4 th court hearing was "don't mess this up or next time you might end up in the DOC and not the county detention center". That scares me.



The last 6 months has been a nightmare. The entire system has worked completely against my husband. Had they just told him to serve his sentence and given him in jail treatment, which is six months, he would have had it done. Or, had the court clerk's office not botched the treatment order procedure, he may have been placed in the other facility and been almost done his treatment. I feel he was set up to fail from the beginning. I am angry and I am disgusted. If he is put back in jail to finish the 18 month sentence, I don't know what I will do. People who have done worse have received less of a sentence. For instance, my friend Jenn's husband was killed by a drugged driver. He received a 3 year sentence – and was let out after serving only a little over a year. He KILLED someone and got less time. My husband did something stupid, getting a pawn loan against an item that he had borrowed. While it was wrong, he intended to get it back and bring it back, the owner did get the item back. And he did violate probation, but it was due to his judgment being clouded by his addiction at that time. How is sticking him in jail for 18 months going to help him? Nothing that we were promised would help him has – it's made things worse.



We had to give up our house, he hasn't been allowed to work (due to jail and not being allowed in treatment), he lost his vehicle, I had to change jobs (although I do get insurance in November), and move to a small apartment, have mounting bills due to losing his income, more bills due to the ER visits since Second Genesis couldn't even set up a doctor's visit, and this whole thing has dragged on for months. Not to mention his 9 year old son misses his dad dearly and is having serious behavioral issues due to all of the stress that comes with everything. Yes, the court wants to "punish" my husband, but I've served that "sentence" right along with him. I've been punished just as much, if not more. No one thinks of the family and how it affects them. No one.



Scott is prepared to go back to jail. He already served 4 months waiting for a bed for treatment, that we now know was the biggest waste of time and the State's resources. He'll have to finish 14 months, and possibly be out earlier with good time credit. Hopefully if it does come down to him being in jail, it will not be the DOC (State jail and not the county jail, which is way worse). If that happens, I think that will be it for me. You'll see ME in a State mental facility.



So….that is my story. I have a week to go to see what someone else decides for my husband's life – and mine.

Thanks for listening. I just don't know what to do - because there is nothing I can do. I have lost 13 lbs in the past 2 weeks alone (all through this ordeal I've gained because I'd stress eat) and my hair is falling out. And I'm only 34 years old.

What can I do to not stress over this??? I've given it up to God, but even that makes me nervous.

LearningHusband

First, God is in control, whether or not you allow him to do his work. Second, you seem intent (as most of us have in the past) to minimize the impact of the outcome on your addict's actions and behavior. Your description is rife with blame on the facilities, the judges, lawyers, probation people etc. and mitigating statements like "yes, he took the tool, but it was returned.." Well guess what, stealing is stealing and if it weren't for his addiction, he wouldn't have done that. If it weren't for his addiction, he would be facing these problems, etc. etc.

The more you try to orchestrate the outcomes, the crazier and more an anxious you'll become. Having a famlily, doesn't make it any easier. But letting go and letting God take care of you and, letting your husband deal with his own situation, will eventually allow him to face his consequences and allow you to focus on yourself and your family. It's not an easy path, but in the end, you will be better off. And your husband may just hit bottom and get the help he needs for himself (not what you try to orchestrate for him).

Continue to read and see if you can find an Alanon or Naranon meeting - you'll be surprised how typical your situation is (which is a comfort, because you will see many people who have come out well on the other end!).

Godspeed.

LH

GiveLove

I wish you luck with all of this, Diva. Your husband and his actions have created this mess for you, and it appears that much of what you have worked hard for has been ground under the wheels of his drug addiction.

"The system" can be very screwy. We've all experienced the way that sometimes, even when someone wants to get help, bureaucracies conspire to not work out the way we'd hoped.

What about YOU? You've vilified everyone who has tried to make him take responsibility for his actions. You have involved yourself so much in his crisis -- which HE created, and which belongs to HIM, not you -- and in protecting him from the consequences of his actions, that it appears your health is now beginning to suffer. How will you stop this from happening? You have a life as a couple, yes, but you also have a life as an individual, with your own dreams, your own goals, your own needs.

I too would encourage a few Nar-Anon or Al-Anon meetings, though I was very reluctant when I first went to one...you'll get to meet people face-to-face who will share stories, possible solutions, even just a hug when you need it the most.

It helped me, anyway.

Sign me, Been Through This Too

Hugs,
GiveLove

mooselips

Jaded Diva,
Well hugs to you sweetie.
From what I read in your post, you seem to have the focus totally on HIM, and there's nothing left for YOU. It's hard not to get caught up in the drama, I know that for sure...it just sucks us up..

For right now, this very minute, switch all the energy you have back onto yourself. If you're not attending meetings start going, it's a wonderful support group, and helps us to regain some of our sanity. (I say some, because I'm not sure yet if I have all mine back yet. ...)

Whatever is going to happen is going to happen, so just let it, and go with the flow....

Hugs and prayers coming your way....

cece

Jaded Diva,
OH how well do I remember the stress you are in.I have an addict son. I remember how his life could get so wrapped around my heart and mind I forgot my own. How my desire to fix and protect outweighed my common sense and right and wrong. My son unlike your husband had every legal break in the world. Once a police offer didn't show so he got off. Another time a judge felt sorry for him. another time he was given D/A classes. (I was glad at the time because he really was such a nice kid and just needed someone to understand and help him.) Now I sometimes think because he got away with so much, it gave him reason to continue on his path of denial. Because each case was so easily forgotten by everyone. Maybe the courts are doing your family a favor. Even if it seems harsh maybe its what he needs to really wake up.(?)
TRY to hand him over to your Higher Power as best as you can. I know this is very hard! What are you doing for you right now? From you post I can tell you've spent lots of energy and time on him. ( i understand the pain that goes with loving an addict). But TRY to spend some of that energy on you and the rest of the family. If you let it go and let it become his problem there is peace in that, a little bit at a time.
I will pray for your family, I know what pain this can cause.

rahsue

I'm sorry you have to go through all this. I totally agree with all of the above, stop and take a deep breath, Your husband really needs to be the one to come up with the answers, after all it's his mess. I hope I don't sound too stern but you'll drive yourself crazy trying to fix him and his problems.
go to a meeting.
read knowledge is power
good luck to you

Impurrfect

I'm really sorry you are going through all this but I agree with the above - you need to take care of YOU first.

As for your husband, I'm glad he's clean, but as a recovering addict, I know it's HIS responsibility to take care of these issues. I would recommend that HE keep very good records of all that has gone on, and what he (YOU?!?) have done to try to get him treatment to comply with the court orders.

The "system" is screwy sometimes and it is definitely not always right. But HE got himself into this and HE needs to do whatever he has to do to get it resolved. I am dealing with MY consequences and though my friends and family are tremendously supportive, they are letting me deal with it. I truly believe this is helping my recovery - the consequences suck but I'm clean and I will eventually resolve them - if I go back to using, they will only get worse. If someone were to step in an "fix" my problems, I might think "that wasn't so bad" and that's a dangerous thought in my addict head.

I hope you can put your focus back on you. As the wonderful people here have shown me...you can love him, support him, but taking on his problems will not help either one of you.

I wish you luck and am sending prayers and hugs!
Amy

Jaded Diva

I appreciate all the feedback and agree with alot of it. I do go to meetings, I take what I like and leave the rest.

Maybe my post seemed like I was very focused on him. I do still back off and do my own thing - last night I refused to drive him to/from any meetings or errands he needed to do. I needed a night "off" for me. And he found his own way. This weekend - Friday night and Saturday all day will be spend helping my family with a huge yard sale. Saturday night I'm going to a friend's cookout. I made it clear that I would not be available Friday to Sunday. He's already lined up rides and such to his favorite meetings.

In the beginning of all of this, I did what I could to make things "easier" for him, and quickly realized it wasn't helping. I'm still learning, but I have backed off a great deal - there's a huge difference from when this started to now. I know he has to do this himself and whatever happens is his responsibility to get through it. It's hard to watch but nothing I can do.

However....I am still so nervous for him. And for me. And it's hard to shake that feeling.

Impurrfect

That makes me feel better that you ARE taking time for yourself.

I understand how much this affects you but you do seem to be handling it well. Enjoy your time with your family and good luck on the yard sale.

Keep posting....the people here are amazing and I don't think there's a single situation or feeling anyone could have that someone here hasn't "been there, done that" and learned from it.

Hugs and prayers to ya!
Amy

hope213

glad to see you.i understand what you are going thru & i hate the fact your husband has not gotten the treatment sought after.all i can do is pray for you & him.you can get into meetings every nite & hope your husband will go to his.learn to accept the things you can not change.that is a big order but it works.hugs, hope

Wascally Wabbit

Wow, that's a lot to go through.
I read your second post on this thread, and I am glad you have the strength to say NO when you need to.
I am sorry you have to live like this. I do hope things get better for you and for him.

Jaded Diva

Well, there is some bit of good news.....on Saturday we got a call from the owner and manager of this great three-quarter house in our area that he was on the wait list for - they got an opening! Which is something they rarely get. A longtime guy had decided to live elsewhere.

AND on top of that - the owner, who sees my husband at meetings all the time and has spoke to him in depth, not only offered to write a letter to the judge detailing how their house is run, plus that the local health department refers people to them, he offered to GO to court with us on Thursday!!! AND they will allow my husband to work (they have to work or go to college classes, if they have someone that will cover rent) and continue his outpatient classes and counseling for the full 6 months.

Miracles do happen in the program. We met this guy because of the program.

I guess it's really up to the judge at this point. He has a sober living situation available immediately in a more "controlled" environment then at home, like she wants, plus he can work, pay his bills, and go to meetings and outpatient treatment. It's a perfect situation, about as close as it could be if he were home. So it's either that, or he goes to jail to do the remaining sentence she's hanging over his head. Well, actually, I guess it's really up to God.

I pray that whatever is supposed to happen will happen. And I'll have to work very hard to accept it, if it's not what I was expecting or wanting.

Thanks you all for your feedback and listening to me. It feels soooo much better just to get it out sometimes.

Jaded Diva

and more good news....he got a job - AND was honest about his situation (going to outpatient treatment, needing to leave by 4:30 to do so, and going to probation).

Court is Thursday, the lawyer said things are looking good, my husband has a good plan - 6 months of outpatient treatment 4 times a week done through the county health department that he's already a few weeks into, a great sober house in the same county , but my stomach is still a mess. I can't sleep and barely eat.

I'm taking him to his outpatient group today after work, then to an AA meeting, then back home. Tomorrow I have to drive him to the new job before I go to work, then after work, drive him to outpatient counseling and then a meeting. So I'm staying busy (I can't wait until he gets his truck fixed so HE can drive)....but my mind is still spinning.

Any suggestions to keep me calmer??

nytepassion

Diva,

And you were nervous giving it up to God

******{Hugs and prayers}}}}
Passion

Jaded Diva

Thank you for reminding me of that....I have to continue to remind God that I'm giving it up to Him.

Jaded Diva

well......tomorrow is it!

He's been going to meetings daily and it's documented.

He's been going to outpatient treatment, per the health dept plan, at the health dept.

He's got a job.

He's got a sober place to live. The owner/manager is going to court with us tomorrow to talk about his facility.

He's been clean 6 months. He has documentation that since he's been out of any "treatment" facility that his UA's have been clean.

There's nothing else to do than to wait for 8:45 am tomorrow for court to start and see whether the judge will allow him to do all this for the next 6 months + or if she's just going to say screw it and send him to finish his sentence.

My stomach is a mess. It's up to God now.

Please pray for my husband.

cece

lots of prayers for him and you!!!

Jaded Diva

Thanks.

Things went very well. Judge was happy with what he's been doing and allowed him to go to the sober house, work, continue meetings and outpatient treatment. She will see him again at the end of December to check progress. He is really happy with the place he's living, his job, his meetings, etc. I finally can sleep again!

However...my parents are livid. They think he should just rot in jail for "what he's done". Yet, they ask questions - like just yesterday my mom asked about the "program" at the house. I started to explain it's more of a three-quarter house, and there's no real strict rules and she just cut me off "Well I don't understand any of that kind of thing because I've never had to and I really don't care to know the difference between a halfway house or sober house or whatever" Then my dad asked about my husband's truck that he's working to put back together and I said it will take some time, but he has a car he might buy from a friend of ours to drive in the meantime (my parents are livid I've been taking him to work - but what am I supposed to do? Tell him he's SOL and put yet another roadblock in his way? He's paying me for gas and time, so it's no different than a ride share) and my dad cut me off and said "Oh, he's taking his time putting his truck back together, just like his marriage". WTF??? They want me to divorce him, yet when he's focusing on getting his life in order, they comment he's not working on our marriage.

THEN my mom makes a comment she "can't imagine being 38 and having to start my life all over again" then said "well, at least by the time he gets his life together, it will be just in time before he'll need to focus on his son who will be a mess by then" (he's now 9 and they idolize this child, so why would they say such a thing)

THEN she asked again about the sober house he's in and asked why the owner started it. I started telling her about howhe's been 22 years sober, etc and again, she cuts me off and said "Why on earth would anyone take their investment house property and let a bunch of drunks and addicts live there? I'll bet their neighbors LOVE them!" (the house is in a nice neighborhood.)

HOW do I respond to this? It's not like I can get away from it - I rent an apartment on the end of their house, and they do this to me daily.

greeteachday

Wow Jaded, sounds pretty difficult to hear all this all the time. Maybe a polite but firm response next time they ask questions? Explain that their responses seem to indicate they don't really want to know so maybe it is better not to go there? Boundaries are not just about addiction...It might be healthy to have a boundary with your parents where these things are not discussed to help you feel better. Sometimes parents react negatively because of fear. I'm sure they have been frightened about what has happened and they love you. Of course their responses are not constructive, but all you can control is how you decide to handle it.

Hugs.

Jaded Diva

They make it painfully clear that they hate him and want me to divorce him. It's mostly my mom - she'll try to act "interested" in what is happening, but as soon as I start to tell her, she cuts me off with nasty comments.

Then when I point this out, she gets all "I didn't do that....you're twisting this around!"

When she called the day of court to find out how things went, I was thisclose to saying "why do you care? anything that happens you find something negative to say about it." But I didn't. Plus, I have to live in the apartment on the end of their house because I can't afford to live elsewhere, unless I rent a room. Which might need to happen, because it's not fair that they feel they can just treat me like that since I live there - but I pay rent. I just want to tell them they can find another renter and good luck finding one that will let them belittle them on a daily basis.....

I guess you're right - I need to find a calm manner and state simply that I'd rather not discuss it because it only seems to result in a negative comment from them. It will only tick them off I think, but at least it won't result in an arguement.