helga

I read ths site every morning, it strenghtens me. Makes it a little easier to get through the day. I am not really having problems with abuse now, it is the depression of what me and my xabf's abuse did to our lives that makes moving on so hard. For those that don't know, his coke problem created problems with his brother, whom he loved very much, and who was killed June 2nd in a car accident. As I read that last sentence, you guys know that cocaine causes problems with all relationships. So it did in ours, but he had overcome it and we were normal for a while, until his brother's death. I started drinking heavily, shew, for a little girl I can drink! Things got crazy, we broke up, I found out I was pregnant. Stopped drinking, thought this was the answer to our problems (a life taken, a life given). Xabf said he wanted nothing to do with me or the baby, something he wouldn't do if he hadn't spent 2 weeks snorting. He changes, Dr. Jykyl, Mr. Hyde. I had a breakdown, but was trying to stay strong for the baby. Hormones, grief, devastation do not make that easy and I lost the baby.

So I went to rehab (paid for by medicaid) and there were times I actually felt happy. But I cannot get this horrible summer out of my head. I almost feel like I have post-traumatic syndrome. I want him back, the nice him I had for the time he was straight. I want my baby back. I can't see baby commercials, snowboarding (he was a pro), Denver Broncos, pregnant women...,

I read about you girls that were once like me and are now so happy. I just wanna know when does it end? When do I stop wondering if he ever really did love me, am I that stupid? People ask me out on dates, and I feel like I would be cheating, I have total anxiety, I can't trust anyone but my brother. I can't get rid of the guilt of losing the baby. I am strong but this has messed me up.

For anyone romantically invloved with an addict and wondering how it will end, I knew deep down it wouldn't be good. Even when we were straight, I could tell he was itching for some, it wouldn't have lasted that much longer. There is nothing you can do but hurt yourself and waste precious time. Leave as fast as you can.

Thx, just had to get it out.

hope213

(((((((HELGA))))) i am sorry for your pain. it is said that time takes care of everything. that is true but you have to walk through it & feel it & then let it go. turn it over to your H.P. there is nothing that will bring your baby back & there is nothing you can do to help your b.f. he has got to want to stop the drinking & the drugs.read all the stickys at the top of the forum & read around every post.we are here for you. God is in control & things are as they should be. take care of yourself & do not feel guilty about your b.f. you deserve so much.hugs,

janied

Helga,

Your heartbreak is so evident in your post. Please don't give up hope that you can get better and move past this bad year. I haven't been here long and have only been sober this time for 15 days but I already feel better emotionally. Physically it will take a little longer.

There are many people at SR who have been sober for many "24 hours" and have recaptured their joy. We lose our joy as the alcohol/drug addiction consumes us.

You can get better too! Keep posting.

((((hugs))))

Jane

Spiritual Seeker

It takes time to pick up the pieces of your life. It does sound like you are moving in the right direction. Just take it one day at a time as we can get through anything for a day. Don't worry about the future bec if you keep doing the right things it will take care of itself and be promising.

greeteachday

(((((Helga)))))
I'm so sorry...you have had so much to deal with. I find it does not help me to move forward if I keep looking back for too long. I like the expression, "you can look to the past or to the future, but do not stare." I have to take those feelings of sorrow and pain out and examine them just a little at a time, then put them away and look at today...If I stay in the past, it keeps me down.

You have made some wonderful progress...rejoice in the accomplishments you have made. It takes courage, strength and wisdom to choose to want to change...good for you!! I hope you keep working on recovery...both from alcohol abuse and from codependency. It is a long journey, but well worth it. Grieving the losses in your life is also a journey through pain but to a better place. We are here to walk with you. Hugs and prayers.

bookmiser

((((Helga))))

Welcoming you into our fold with tender hugs and prayers.
Your going in a good direction for healing.
Just take things one day at a time and pray.
HP will lead and give you the strength you need.
Read around and share whenever you want.
We're here with support, prayers, feedback, and love.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
A new sr friend,
Linda

mooselips

(((Helga))))
I think in order to move on, you have to let it out...grieve, cry, scream, shout. Then stop, and take control back over your life.....

It may not look like it now, but you have a long, happy, life just waiting for you....


Give yourself time....
The grief may never completely go away, but time makes it better...... give yourself that time.


hugs to you, Helga...

Impurrfect

(((Helga))))

I was an addict, too, and had to grieve my XBF, even when I know, itimately, how the mind of an addict works.

The only thing that helped me to move forward was to keep telling me that he loved me as much as an addict can. There's no way I can (or want to anymore) compete with his crack pipe.

I stll have my bad days when I really miss the good times with him. but they are getting farther apart.

Keep taking care of you and I'm sending you hugs and prayers.

Amy

Wascally Wabbit

Aw, Helga, you have been through an awful lot. I am so sorry you had to go through all this. You may have lost so much, but, there is always hope in the future. Hang on to that thought. Borrow someone elses faith if you don't have any of your own right now!
Honey, you have a good head on your shoulders and you're actively seeking help.
If you can just convince yourself that you have NO control over addiction, you can then begin to detach from all the chaos it brings. You didn't cause his addiction.
I hope you can get to an alanon meeting to help you deal with all this.
In the mean time I am sending you a great big hug and a heartfelt welcome to SR. This place has helped me cope in times of grief. Keep coming back and posting. It helps so much.

helga

That is exactly what helps me most, I really believe he loved me as much as he could. There was a friend of mine that had known my xabf for about 20 years, and that's what she said.

Thank you everyone, it helps a lot to have people who care, because cocaine has made me feel like there is no such thing.