My heart is broken
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 7
My heart is broken
I just found out that my boyfriend is on drugs. We have been on and off for a little over 2 years, and I just can't believe that I didn't see any of the signs until he was arrested this past weekend for possession of crack cocaine. When I went to bail him out of jail, one of the correctional officers asked me what a "nice lady" like me was doing there. When I told her I was bailing out my boyfriend, she shook her head and said, "Don't let these city slickers ruin your life." I just smiled politely, hearing but not listening, and as I left, she called out after me one last time, "Remember what I said."
To see the evidence of my boyfriend's addiction in black and white on his release papers was jarring for me. I didn't want to believe it, but suddenly all those things that seemed "a little off" when they occured made sense, like his always being broke despite making a decent living, his grandiose assertions that he was one of the smartest people in world and God had shown him how he was going to die, and his increasingly desheveled appearence. I confronted him and of course, he denied it and volunteered to take a drug test this weekend to prove that he is clean. My family and friends think that there is no point in even having him take a test now. My heart is broken- I don't want to leave him, especially like this. I still love him but I know that I must walk away. But what should I say or do? Should I just stop contacting him or talk to him to convince him to get help? I still love him, and the thought of him dying or being killed because he is strung out kills me.
To see the evidence of my boyfriend's addiction in black and white on his release papers was jarring for me. I didn't want to believe it, but suddenly all those things that seemed "a little off" when they occured made sense, like his always being broke despite making a decent living, his grandiose assertions that he was one of the smartest people in world and God had shown him how he was going to die, and his increasingly desheveled appearence. I confronted him and of course, he denied it and volunteered to take a drug test this weekend to prove that he is clean. My family and friends think that there is no point in even having him take a test now. My heart is broken- I don't want to leave him, especially like this. I still love him but I know that I must walk away. But what should I say or do? Should I just stop contacting him or talk to him to convince him to get help? I still love him, and the thought of him dying or being killed because he is strung out kills me.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: GA
Posts: 49
Sorry you had to go through that. You will learn very quickly that there is NOTHING you can do to help him. He has to do it himself. And addicts will blame you, cajole you, tell you what they think you want to hear etc, all to keep their addiction going.
As for the testing, urine tests can be masked pretty easily with certain products readily avaialble on the Internet. I now require my ex wife to take a hair follicle test which is basically impossible to mask (i.e. get a "negative" on it if there has been drug use). And it covers at least the last three months. She hasn't been able to pass it yet which means not visitation for her with our son.
You have to do what's right for you, but if I had had the type of warning PRIOR to my marriage that you have now with just a boyfriend, I would have run far and fast. Unfortunately, my ex's addiction began during our marriage and destroyed it. I would never knowingly put myself through that no matter how much I thought I "loved" this person.
LH
As for the testing, urine tests can be masked pretty easily with certain products readily avaialble on the Internet. I now require my ex wife to take a hair follicle test which is basically impossible to mask (i.e. get a "negative" on it if there has been drug use). And it covers at least the last three months. She hasn't been able to pass it yet which means not visitation for her with our son.
You have to do what's right for you, but if I had had the type of warning PRIOR to my marriage that you have now with just a boyfriend, I would have run far and fast. Unfortunately, my ex's addiction began during our marriage and destroyed it. I would never knowingly put myself through that no matter how much I thought I "loved" this person.
LH
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
Welcome Jbaby.
I'm glad you've found us.
My son is the one who brought me here, and although it may seem different, we all share many experiences that come with loving an addict.
I too saw the full extent of my son's use on charges brought by the police. I took it hard too. While it did make sense of some things that were occurring, it made no sense emotionally to this mom. I cried hard and long, fell apart physically and emotionally, and then found SR. This site is what helped me to stand again.
I didn't know I had the right to walk away from the madness.
While I can't tell you whats best to do, it does seem that you've considered letting him take care of his business. Keep that thought fresh, becasue in the long run it may be the best thing for both of you.
We say here to stay in today, so cutting contact doesn't "have" to mean forever, but it can mean you refuse to walk the road he's on with him.
I'm also the Mom of a 21 year old daughter, and to be honest I'd be begging her to reconsider the relationship and run while you can.
We're here for you...either way.
(((Hugs)))
Cece
I'm glad you've found us.
My son is the one who brought me here, and although it may seem different, we all share many experiences that come with loving an addict.
I too saw the full extent of my son's use on charges brought by the police. I took it hard too. While it did make sense of some things that were occurring, it made no sense emotionally to this mom. I cried hard and long, fell apart physically and emotionally, and then found SR. This site is what helped me to stand again.
I didn't know I had the right to walk away from the madness.
While I can't tell you whats best to do, it does seem that you've considered letting him take care of his business. Keep that thought fresh, becasue in the long run it may be the best thing for both of you.
We say here to stay in today, so cutting contact doesn't "have" to mean forever, but it can mean you refuse to walk the road he's on with him.
I'm also the Mom of a 21 year old daughter, and to be honest I'd be begging her to reconsider the relationship and run while you can.
We're here for you...either way.
(((Hugs)))
Cece
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
honey, don't walk run.my son is my addict & i love him as much as any mother can.he has been addicted on crack since he was about 21. he says that the monster comes out of the closet at nite.believe me, i know. he is not there in the mornings or the next day or the next....he is now 36yrs & still doing the drug.you can not help your boyfriend.he has got to want the help & when he is ready he will find it.there is a lot of support here for you.keep coming back & take care of yourself.read all the sticky here & the post.prayers,
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Glad you found this site...There are lots of girlfriends and wives of addicts here and I know that they share the pain you are experiencing. We all do, whether our loved one is a partner, child, parent or friend.
You are not abandoning him if you choose not to stay in the madness while he is in denial. He won't change until he truly wants to change, and unfortunately sometimes, the more we love and protect, the longer it takes for the pain of using to be greater than the pain of quitting.
It's been my experience that once addiction is out in the open, the spiral down seems quicker...almost as if the disease goes nuts and wants to remain in control when the addict starts to wonder "is it true that I have a problem?" That may not be true in all cases, but I say that because odds are it may get worse before it gets better....for both of you.
If you are not ready to leave yet, it's okay...we all find our way at our own pace and in our own time. Soimetimes I had to live the situation before I had it within me to change. But if you stay, please do everything you can to protect yourself financially. Even the most honest, loving person, once addicted, seems to learn to lie and steal as the disease screams for drugs.
If you can find it in you to let go, I think the most simple and direct thing to say is something to the effect of I love you, I can not sit back and watch you choose to self destruct. For now, I must leave...maybe some day if your actions prove that you have changed and are working a strong recovery program, we can see what happens then. Trying to make him get help or justify why you can not stay won't help if he is not yet ready to see. It will only make you feel worse.
I also attend Naranon - Face to face support from others in similar circumstances is so helpful. Yes nice girls (and guys) like us do end up in bad situations...addiction does not discriminate. Hugs.
You are not abandoning him if you choose not to stay in the madness while he is in denial. He won't change until he truly wants to change, and unfortunately sometimes, the more we love and protect, the longer it takes for the pain of using to be greater than the pain of quitting.
It's been my experience that once addiction is out in the open, the spiral down seems quicker...almost as if the disease goes nuts and wants to remain in control when the addict starts to wonder "is it true that I have a problem?" That may not be true in all cases, but I say that because odds are it may get worse before it gets better....for both of you.
If you are not ready to leave yet, it's okay...we all find our way at our own pace and in our own time. Soimetimes I had to live the situation before I had it within me to change. But if you stay, please do everything you can to protect yourself financially. Even the most honest, loving person, once addicted, seems to learn to lie and steal as the disease screams for drugs.
If you can find it in you to let go, I think the most simple and direct thing to say is something to the effect of I love you, I can not sit back and watch you choose to self destruct. For now, I must leave...maybe some day if your actions prove that you have changed and are working a strong recovery program, we can see what happens then. Trying to make him get help or justify why you can not stay won't help if he is not yet ready to see. It will only make you feel worse.
I also attend Naranon - Face to face support from others in similar circumstances is so helpful. Yes nice girls (and guys) like us do end up in bad situations...addiction does not discriminate. Hugs.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 7
Thanks, cece1960. I can't even imagine your pain, and I thank you for taking the time to respond to a post that has probably been seen time and time again on this board. I'm so glad I found this place.
Get Caught Reading
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Not in the boonies, thank God
Posts: 1,410
((((((Jbaby))))))
I'm glad your here, but so sorry for the reason.
You seem like such a nice young woman. No offense, but I think the lady at the
jail was right. I'd hate to see you ruin your life, as well.
That said...
My 25 yo son is the addict in my life. I love my son more than anything, but if I suspect that he is "using", the gf (whichever one he is invoved with at the time)
will know what to expect.
He was with someone for 4 years and she became just as addicted to drugs as he was. She was also addicted to him. Which means he controlled her.
She went so far as to work as a stripper to support their drug habit.
Nothing good comes out of a relationship with an active user.
Your heart will get broken over and over.
Finding soberrecovery is a good start on arming yourself for your future.
Read around and get comfortable. There are plenty of us here that have been where you are.
Sorry for the bluntness. I'm a codependent...so I care.
Keep comin' back for support, prayers, and strength.
I'm glad your here, but so sorry for the reason.
You seem like such a nice young woman. No offense, but I think the lady at the
jail was right. I'd hate to see you ruin your life, as well.
That said...
My 25 yo son is the addict in my life. I love my son more than anything, but if I suspect that he is "using", the gf (whichever one he is invoved with at the time)
will know what to expect.
He was with someone for 4 years and she became just as addicted to drugs as he was. She was also addicted to him. Which means he controlled her.
She went so far as to work as a stripper to support their drug habit.
Nothing good comes out of a relationship with an active user.
Your heart will get broken over and over.
Finding soberrecovery is a good start on arming yourself for your future.
Read around and get comfortable. There are plenty of us here that have been where you are.
Sorry for the bluntness. I'm a codependent...so I care.
Keep comin' back for support, prayers, and strength.
Clyde's Bonnie
.gif)
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Manchester, CT
Posts: 128
Hello Jbaby. Do Not Bail Him Out Anymore. His Addiction Can Not Become Your Problem. U Can Not Help Him. The Best Thing U Can Do Is Leave. Tell Him Exactly How U Feel And U Will Help Him To Help Himself When You See He Really Wants It. Actions Speak Louder Than Words. Hugs And Wishes Sent Your Way.
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