How to Approach my Son (No.2)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 95
How to Approach my Son (No.2)
I originally posted this under Substance Abuse but it has been suggested that I post it here as well. Got great replies from Doing Well, Jane 63, MeToo2, Afraid2Succeed, Alera, Done-with-it, windysan, Movin On, Emmer, The King, Merecat and Ann so many thanks to all of you (thanks Ann for this suggestion!).
Hello everyone - I hope someone can give me some advice.
I have a 15 year old son (16 next month) and I suspect he is taking drugs. I know he drinks, as he's come home a few times a bit "worse for ware" but I never believed he would do drugs.
He went to play football yesterday and left his mobile phone at home (he never does this - it's practically glued to him!). Anyway, like the nosey mother I am I looked at his text messages and this is what I found. All these messages are TO him, not from him.
"Now then mate, what you been drinking or taking?"
"I've got a line of coke and some gangi's growning, they have roots. If you want some you haven't got them from me LOL!"
"Now then mate, how do you feel after taking your chicken? Have you got the bread out of your nose yet? LOL!"
The last one I don't understand but think it may be some kind of code?
How do I approach this? I know I should've have looked at his phone as this is a complete violation of trust. I don't want to tell him that that's what I did - or do you think I should?
I'm at a complete loss and really don't know what to do for the best. Any advice/help will be greatly appreciated.
Hello everyone - I hope someone can give me some advice.
I have a 15 year old son (16 next month) and I suspect he is taking drugs. I know he drinks, as he's come home a few times a bit "worse for ware" but I never believed he would do drugs.
He went to play football yesterday and left his mobile phone at home (he never does this - it's practically glued to him!). Anyway, like the nosey mother I am I looked at his text messages and this is what I found. All these messages are TO him, not from him.
"Now then mate, what you been drinking or taking?"
"I've got a line of coke and some gangi's growning, they have roots. If you want some you haven't got them from me LOL!"
"Now then mate, how do you feel after taking your chicken? Have you got the bread out of your nose yet? LOL!"
The last one I don't understand but think it may be some kind of code?
How do I approach this? I know I should've have looked at his phone as this is a complete violation of trust. I don't want to tell him that that's what I did - or do you think I should?
I'm at a complete loss and really don't know what to do for the best. Any advice/help will be greatly appreciated.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: GA
Posts: 49
From my point of view, you are not violating his trust by looking at his phone, you are being a parent. He obviously is not trustworthy as shown by what you found. He is a minor and you are responsible for him. I not only would tell him I looked at his phone, I would tell him that his room and everything in it will be searched regularly. That too is being a parent when you have a kid doing drugs. I hear many people say "you can't control what he does" and that is true with adult addicts. But you are responisble for him as a parent - to monitor him, guide him, help him etc.
I'm somewhat surprised that you said, "I knew he drank..." as though it's not a big deal (perhaps I misread that). Anyway, you have the ability to set serious boundaries, like drug testing in your home, calling the cops if he's doing anything illegal, etc. These would be consequences of HIS actions and you may just save his life by taking a strong stand.
Just my opinion.
LH
I'm somewhat surprised that you said, "I knew he drank..." as though it's not a big deal (perhaps I misread that). Anyway, you have the ability to set serious boundaries, like drug testing in your home, calling the cops if he's doing anything illegal, etc. These would be consequences of HIS actions and you may just save his life by taking a strong stand.
Just my opinion.
LH
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 95
Thanks LearningHusband. You're right, he can't be trusted. I have called the police in the past by the way - I am no pushover and he knows that. He knows my boundaries yet likes to overstep them somewhat.
In no way am I condoning the fact that he drinks (I did say it) and I do think it's a big deal. Like most teenagers he's "testing the waters". We let him have the occasional lager hoping that by not making it the "forbidden fruit" it won't appeal to him so much. Guess that's not working either.
I wish being a parent came with a handbook - but I am willing to do or try anything to keep him on the right path.
Thanks again.
In no way am I condoning the fact that he drinks (I did say it) and I do think it's a big deal. Like most teenagers he's "testing the waters". We let him have the occasional lager hoping that by not making it the "forbidden fruit" it won't appeal to him so much. Guess that's not working either.
I wish being a parent came with a handbook - but I am willing to do or try anything to keep him on the right path.
Thanks again.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: GO PENS
Posts: 1,151
Hi Velvet,
I told my daughter was when she brought drugs into my home... she lost her rights to privacy. She was not a teenager at the time. If she wanted to live in my house she had to abide by my rules. Of course she didn't and I did have to ask her to leave. She sofa surfed for a long time. She is doing pretty well today. It is still one day at a time. Your son is a minor, you have a right to protect him from harm. If snooping is what it takes then so be it. He violated your trust, he has to earn it back.
Hugs...........Lo
I told my daughter was when she brought drugs into my home... she lost her rights to privacy. She was not a teenager at the time. If she wanted to live in my house she had to abide by my rules. Of course she didn't and I did have to ask her to leave. She sofa surfed for a long time. She is doing pretty well today. It is still one day at a time. Your son is a minor, you have a right to protect him from harm. If snooping is what it takes then so be it. He violated your trust, he has to earn it back.
Hugs...........Lo
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Velvet, I'm glad you made it to this forum.
My son is an adult addict, and I believe in what we call the 3 C's here....didn't Cause it, can't Control it, can't Cure it. I am powerless over his addiction, as my first step in this program showed me.
That said, your son is a minor and still under your control as a parent. Like any bad behaviour, you get to decide the consequences and as a parent you probably want the consequences to suit the offense and help him learn next time he is tempted to do the same thing. How you handle this is entirely up to you, but if I had a teenager even toying with drugs I would make him go to drug counseling and if it appeared he was addicted I would put him in a rehab appropriate for his age...something like Teen Challenge. You may not be able to stop his addiction, but you can, as a parent, see that it is treated in the best way possible.
When I first discovered my son's addiction, he was an adult and already out of my control. However, if there was one thing that I could go back and do differently than I did, I would have confronted him every time I knew something was going on and I would not have walked on eggshells worried that my response might trigger a bad reaction from him. The courage it would take to do that, I got from my recovery, and at the time I was just beginning and so I did the best I could and when I knew better, I did better.
This may be a long hard road you have ahead of you, Velvet, but you don't have to walk it alone. We are here for you and will support you no matter what your choices and we will care enough to tell you straight up how it was for us. If you can find yourself a Naranon, Alanon or CoDA meeting near you, please go and give it a try. You will find additional support there and learn how to work a program that will save your sanity and even your life, I know because it saved mine.
Again, I am glad you joined us and I truly hope that somehow we can make this journey a little less painful for you than it was for each of us.
Hugs
My son is an adult addict, and I believe in what we call the 3 C's here....didn't Cause it, can't Control it, can't Cure it. I am powerless over his addiction, as my first step in this program showed me.
That said, your son is a minor and still under your control as a parent. Like any bad behaviour, you get to decide the consequences and as a parent you probably want the consequences to suit the offense and help him learn next time he is tempted to do the same thing. How you handle this is entirely up to you, but if I had a teenager even toying with drugs I would make him go to drug counseling and if it appeared he was addicted I would put him in a rehab appropriate for his age...something like Teen Challenge. You may not be able to stop his addiction, but you can, as a parent, see that it is treated in the best way possible.
When I first discovered my son's addiction, he was an adult and already out of my control. However, if there was one thing that I could go back and do differently than I did, I would have confronted him every time I knew something was going on and I would not have walked on eggshells worried that my response might trigger a bad reaction from him. The courage it would take to do that, I got from my recovery, and at the time I was just beginning and so I did the best I could and when I knew better, I did better.
This may be a long hard road you have ahead of you, Velvet, but you don't have to walk it alone. We are here for you and will support you no matter what your choices and we will care enough to tell you straight up how it was for us. If you can find yourself a Naranon, Alanon or CoDA meeting near you, please go and give it a try. You will find additional support there and learn how to work a program that will save your sanity and even your life, I know because it saved mine.
Again, I am glad you joined us and I truly hope that somehow we can make this journey a little less painful for you than it was for each of us.
Hugs
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
I agree with all the advice above. I just wanted to say hi and welcome. I too wish parenting had a handbook...I'm a great student and if I could find a way to do it right all the time, I'd strive for it. But what is good for one child is not for another and we all know that it isn't just parenting...there's genetics, outside environment and lots of things outside of our control. But since he is a minor, getting professional help is, in my opinion, the best course. it may or may not make a difference, but it is probably the best chance. I will say a prayer for you and him as well. Praying is for me, the best I can offer too. Hugs
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Cloud 9
Posts: 778
Hi Velvet, Sorry for what your going through. I am also a mom of an addict. She is 21 and has been working on her recovery for almost 2 years. She has fallen along her journey a few time, but she picks herself up & keeps working at it. Tomorrow she will have 5 months clean. I'm not sure of the laws in the UK, but here a parent can have kids under 18 get treatment since they are considered minors. Once they turn 18 it is their decision, not the parents, so you have a bit of an upper hand right now. I hope you stick around, there are alot of wonderful, caring, supportive people here. Welcome.
Get Caught Reading
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Not in the boonies, thank God
Posts: 1,410
(((((((Velvet))))))))
A magnifying glass?
My son is 25 and I still put it under it when we're together. lol
That's really not funny, I guess. It's actually kinda sad.
My son is my addict, as you can guess.
He's been dry from heroin for over 2 years, but continues to smoke pot and drink on occasion.
I have no idea why I wrote on occasion for, because if it's available...
Anyway, I just want ya to know, that if I had been more "aware" of what was going on with my son at 15, I probably would have saved us both a bunch of heartache.
I'da probably had him into rehab alot sooner, for one thing. Instead, I became aware of his injecting heroin at 19. It's a very long story and one that I really hate to relive. Even on "paper".
Bottom line...
After he robbed my home, I had him arrested and he spent 6 months in jail.
That cleaned him of "dope". Not of drugs. He's still an addict. Just mostly dry.
To him though, he doesn't have a problem.
"At least I'm not out there smoking crack", he says.
It's been almost 7 years since I found out. It's been going on since he was probably 13/14.
I say, "do what you can to stop this now".
He's 15. You can still get help for him. He's not so lost in addiction that he can't be saved.
My son and I talk everyday. I can't live with him because of the choices he makes.
We are close, though. Your son will be grateful, imho. Eventually, anyway.
Adult addicts have a mind of their own. Children that are using have a better chance of recovery, imo.
Btw, when I was growning up, my mom and stepdad would "share" alcohol, if asked.
My brother and I refused. We're not addicts. We're codependents.
Sending prayers and support out to you today.
Keep coming back. This is such a wonderful place.
A new sr friend,
A magnifying glass?
My son is 25 and I still put it under it when we're together. lol
That's really not funny, I guess. It's actually kinda sad.
My son is my addict, as you can guess.
He's been dry from heroin for over 2 years, but continues to smoke pot and drink on occasion.
I have no idea why I wrote on occasion for, because if it's available...
Anyway, I just want ya to know, that if I had been more "aware" of what was going on with my son at 15, I probably would have saved us both a bunch of heartache.
I'da probably had him into rehab alot sooner, for one thing. Instead, I became aware of his injecting heroin at 19. It's a very long story and one that I really hate to relive. Even on "paper".
Bottom line...
After he robbed my home, I had him arrested and he spent 6 months in jail.
That cleaned him of "dope". Not of drugs. He's still an addict. Just mostly dry.
To him though, he doesn't have a problem.
"At least I'm not out there smoking crack", he says.
It's been almost 7 years since I found out. It's been going on since he was probably 13/14.
I say, "do what you can to stop this now".
He's 15. You can still get help for him. He's not so lost in addiction that he can't be saved.
My son and I talk everyday. I can't live with him because of the choices he makes.
We are close, though. Your son will be grateful, imho. Eventually, anyway.
Adult addicts have a mind of their own. Children that are using have a better chance of recovery, imo.
Btw, when I was growning up, my mom and stepdad would "share" alcohol, if asked.
My brother and I refused. We're not addicts. We're codependents.
Sending prayers and support out to you today.
Keep coming back. This is such a wonderful place.
A new sr friend,
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 285
Totally agree with all above. My as was experimenting when he was a minor, but I had no idea. After 18, you don't have the upper hand anymore, even though while there living in your home you can set guidelines. You have every right to look at his phone. He is a minor, and if you are suspicious, you are just trying to protect him from harm.
I am currently setting some guidelines for my relapsed 22 year old son. I know I can't stop him from using if he really wants to, but I can dictate how things will be while he's living in my home. And if he doesn't like it, he knows where the door is.
Good luck to you. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
I am currently setting some guidelines for my relapsed 22 year old son. I know I can't stop him from using if he really wants to, but I can dictate how things will be while he's living in my home. And if he doesn't like it, he knows where the door is.
Good luck to you. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
Velvet,
Just want to jump in here, and give a warm welcome, glad you've found us.
In my opinion, there is no privacy issue when you come to the realization that a child is doing drugs. It comes with the parenting license we applied for.
(I just wish I would have been a lot more snoopier.)
Hugs to you from one mom to another....
Just want to jump in here, and give a warm welcome, glad you've found us.
In my opinion, there is no privacy issue when you come to the realization that a child is doing drugs. It comes with the parenting license we applied for.
(I just wish I would have been a lot more snoopier.)
Hugs to you from one mom to another....
StrivingToThrive
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: san diego, ca
Posts: 425
hi Velvet,
I am very new here also, and am on my way to a Naranon meeting tonight. My addict son started with pot at 15. I then began my coping process which started with fear then denial then fix and repair along with hide. He went to other things as soon as he was away from home, now he is back to Pot. He thinks its okay because its not REALLY a drug, (he has so much experience you know). If I had to do it again I would have made a bigger deal of it when he was 15 instead of rationalizing it to myself, ( to quell my fears). Maybe it would have been a tough battle, maybe it would not have mattered, but I could look back now with no regrets.(?) I am glad to be here where I am not judged and can begin to recover myself. Aren't some of these people so awesome? They give me hope, not only for my son's survival but mine!
I am very new here also, and am on my way to a Naranon meeting tonight. My addict son started with pot at 15. I then began my coping process which started with fear then denial then fix and repair along with hide. He went to other things as soon as he was away from home, now he is back to Pot. He thinks its okay because its not REALLY a drug, (he has so much experience you know). If I had to do it again I would have made a bigger deal of it when he was 15 instead of rationalizing it to myself, ( to quell my fears). Maybe it would have been a tough battle, maybe it would not have mattered, but I could look back now with no regrets.(?) I am glad to be here where I am not judged and can begin to recover myself. Aren't some of these people so awesome? They give me hope, not only for my son's survival but mine!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 95
Thank you everyone for your warm welcome and wonderful replies - I really do appreciate it and feel like I'm not alone.
Hubby had a word with him last night when he came home from school before I got in from work. He just outright asked him and said I was worried about him. Being the intelligent chap he is he said "Mum looked at my phone on Sunday didn't she and saw the text from Benny C" (That's the one about the line of coke). Hubby said I had every right to look at his phone but he was really angry (like I care!).
He flat denied it and I haven't said anything yet - trying to pick my moment I guess.
Thanks again everyone - your awesome!
I'll let you know how I get on
Hubby had a word with him last night when he came home from school before I got in from work. He just outright asked him and said I was worried about him. Being the intelligent chap he is he said "Mum looked at my phone on Sunday didn't she and saw the text from Benny C" (That's the one about the line of coke). Hubby said I had every right to look at his phone but he was really angry (like I care!).
He flat denied it and I haven't said anything yet - trying to pick my moment I guess.
Thanks again everyone - your awesome!
I'll let you know how I get on
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