justme

He has been clean and he is finally doing all the little things I longed for him to do on his own but why do I feel so alone and sad still. I feel like it is an illusion and all this will come to an end. He is clean yes but he still has old behaviors on how he communicates I feel like now that he is clean he doesn't take any responsibility of being a jerk sometimes and because he is clean he is just hunky dory. Does anyone know what I mean? Maybe I am just tripping just feeling sorry for myself today. I feel sad and empty.

Spiritual Seeker

I hope you feel better today. Take care

Ann

There is more to recovery than just not using, it's an inside job of repair and adjustment. Recovery begins after the substance has been put down and it can take time for behaviours to improve.

What helps me in life is to work my own recovery and working on healing myself and when I do that, how I am no longer depends on how anyone else is.

It's difficult trying to restore what was or to guess what will be. Just staying in today and doing the best we can is all anyone can hope for.

Sending hugs because you sound like you could use some. And prayers that this leads you both to a better place.

Hugs

krhea75

I do know what you mean. Recovery is painful sometimes. The real problems begin surfacing and it is a continued quest for honesty about ourselves. Hang in there. Each day is a learning experience.
krhea

hope213

i hope you are feeling better today also. it is a miracle that they are clean even for one day. i believe that without a program in their life that they will not stay clean long at & do not know how to change their ways. my son in his mind thought it was ok to deal & he would get away with it. he was clean & fresh out of prison for 2 months when he was caught dealing. he had never sold drugs before. i will pray for your son that he will find a better way & pray for peace for you.

DoingWell

When my xhb would go into recovery I used to get this strange sense of emptiness myself.. I think it was a combination of jealousy (him working with others in recovery, endless meetings, ) and also I felt I wasn't really needed. Whenever he would screw up it was almost like I felt.. OK Now I'm needed. Very strange indeed and I could never understand it. He's been clean for 16 months and we are divorced but still close and the more I stay OUT of his recovery and keep taking care of myself the more those feelings went away.
It might be that you were just too involved before and now things are calmer and maybe you feel you don't know how to be in the moment?
How about Al-Anon or Naranon, I'll bet you meet others who have same feelings!

booklover

I hope things are faring better for you.

I also relate to this empty feeling after rehab and/or sobriety. AH has been clean approximately 170-175 days. He is really working his AA program. Sometimes I feel empty and other times I am just plain mad. It seems that he always comes out on top. He was selfish running around doing drugs, draining our bank account and shrugging off this family duties while he was using. Now he gets to be selfish to always work on himself. It is as if he is off scott free for all the horrible things he has done. AND THEN...I start focusing on myself and learning to be selfish too. I go to an extra Alanon meeting when I start feeling negative. And most of all, I focus on just today and enjoy it without letting the past resentments creep up and ruin my day. I would guess that your resentments toward your husband contribute to how you feel empty. It probably just takes time. I haven't had a lot of time to heal but it is a bit better.

Most of all though, fill that void with something that would make you happy that isn't about him. Good luck to you.

Frog_2hop

I know exactly what you mean by feeling like the relationship is empty after they are clean. There is sooooo much more to recovery than just getting clean. I agree with whoever said it above that being clean is just the beginning.

One part that I think so many people forget is that damage done to the loved ones a long the way. Just becasue 'they' get clean, or even if 'they' recover completely....the loved one needs to heal too.

That is what I did wrong the first time. He got clean, we thought he was better so there was no reason for 'me' to have a problem now - by me having a problem was simply not right, I wasn't forgiving, I was digging up old hatchets, so I learned that those feeling were wrong and I needed to 'get over it'

WRONG!!! I was feeling that way because we did not acknowledge "MY" healing. Don't cut yourself short in this whole thing. He needs to recover BUT SO DO YOU!!!! Those two things don't go hand in hand....his recover does not make you recover just as his lack of recovery doesn't stop you from recovering.

You have to take control of YOU now. If he is on the road to recovery - great....but what are you doing for YOU???

Hangin' In

Jlo,

Gee, when I just typed that little abbreviated name, I thought you were a celebrity for a minute there...

You know, I've felt that same feeling, and I realized it was all about ME...that I wasn't needed anymore. Thank God for my Al Anon meetings and what I've learned there. Meetings taught me that for years I tried to orchestrate my daughter's life and I wanted her to do everything I wanted. And I wanted her to need me.

So when she started becoming independent, which I do want for her, I felt like I wasn't needed anymore. And a pity party set in. I had to jerk myself back into line, and realize that my daughter's HP was getting her to the place where she needed to be. And independence was one of those things that I most wanted for my daughter, so to just be grateful for it. And realize this world is not all about me.

Just my 2 cents on this because you sure hit home, very close to home, with me when you talked about this issue.

I hope you feel better about this soon. Him becoming independent really is a good thing.

Hugs,
Hangin' In