brokenwing

Can someone tell me if the addict understands the tough love approach when it comes to relapse? I have lived with AH for 7 yrs and 3 of them have been filled with broken promises, treatment centers and relapse. I have always stood by him as he always tried to get clean. HE went into rehab 3x within a year and a half. But after awhile he becomes complacent and relapses. My AH doesnt understand why I dont want to see him or allow him to come over and see his daughter. He thinks I am doing this to discipline him. WHen in fact, I know that I cannot continue this lifestyle. I am drained emotionally and dont want to hear the same story over and over again. How do I get him to understand that. He always thinks this time it will be different. HE also thinks that if I really loved him I would stand beside him and support his recovery.
What could I say that would make him get it.
For those that have come clean, is there anything that I could say to him so he gets it?
And will he ever understand my position.

So confused, Brokenwing

marle

I tell my daughter that I love her but can't watch her destruction. I don't want active addiction in my life and then I follow it up by leaving her alone. I don't know how it would be with a spouse and father of your child. But sending some hugs and prayers that he eventually gets it. Stay strong, you are doing a good thing for your daughter, even if he doesn't get it. Hugs, Marle

hope213

the addict has a way of always blaming someone for their actions & until he is clean & works a program for a very long time he will not understand why u are not there. he has a problem with you not being there & he is not getting his way by controling you. you do not have to explain anything to him. keep working on you & keep coming back. prayers, hope

nytepassion

He is an addict and until he is able to really get recovery he won't really get why you do what you do.

If he steps into recovery with both feet and it takes root and begins to grow .. what you are trying to convey to him will suddenly be like morning = it will dawn on him and become clear as day .. and he will get it.

Until then he will feel like you are trying to punish, pay him back, or simply being spiteful ... At this point there isn't anything that will convince him otherwise ..

When I was at that point with my ex and his addiction .. I had to let go of trying to make him understand ... I knew why I was doing what I was doing .. I found solace in knowing that I was doing the right thing .. and I made peace with my decision ... It was what was in the best interest of me and my kids (plain and simple) I had to stop worrying about him and using that energy on US

****{Hugs}}}
Passion

duet_4-8

Hi, and welcome. I don't think we have met. My addict is my soon to be exhusband. We were married almost 25 years and have three sons together.

Nothing you can say will make him get it. Addicts don't think like rational persons, so when we try and get them to understand we are just setting ourselves up for disappointment.

You set your boundaries, and you stick by them. Those boundaries are not to control him, but to protect you. He will not understand unless he REALLY is in recovery and then it will be clear to him that you did the only thing you could do to save yourself and your child.

Stay strong. You are doing the right thing. It is very hard because they know we love them and they know how to get what they want by using guilt, or manipulation, or whatever else might work.

Stick around here and read and post. This place literally saved my life in a lot of ways. I finally figured out I was not the only one and that is HUGE!

(((HUGS)))

laketime

I agreee with duet on boundaries. Set boundaries that you can stick to , to protect you and ypur family. Thats the main principal. Him getting it is up to him not you.