Why
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 5
Why
Hi everyone-
This is my first time posting here but I have been reading for support for awhile. I just never thought I would be posting. My abf was clean for 8 mos,used for 2 weeks,went to rehab for a month,then of course swore never again would he go down that path.Needless to say,here I am posting. He was clean for 2 mos,but I saw the warning signs,old friends,no program,no meetings etc. Heroin is is doc but now for the past month its been oxy. He told me everything,cried,beg,etc,etc,etc.Stuff you all have been thru as well.I just feel lost.I know that wonderful person is in there needing to come out and be free.He promised to go to rehab 6 days ago,of course nothing.He made the appt today but I drove by and he never showed up.I want to believe him so bad that he wants all the things he says but his actions speak loader then words.I know what to do.I just need support,No one understands.
This is my first time posting here but I have been reading for support for awhile. I just never thought I would be posting. My abf was clean for 8 mos,used for 2 weeks,went to rehab for a month,then of course swore never again would he go down that path.Needless to say,here I am posting. He was clean for 2 mos,but I saw the warning signs,old friends,no program,no meetings etc. Heroin is is doc but now for the past month its been oxy. He told me everything,cried,beg,etc,etc,etc.Stuff you all have been thru as well.I just feel lost.I know that wonderful person is in there needing to come out and be free.He promised to go to rehab 6 days ago,of course nothing.He made the appt today but I drove by and he never showed up.I want to believe him so bad that he wants all the things he says but his actions speak loader then words.I know what to do.I just need support,No one understands.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: media, pa
Posts: 243
hey welcome to SR!
Sounds like you've invested a lot in your friend, and you don't wanna let go. That's gotta be painful, and so is that feeling of helplessness when you're powerless against the addiction.
No sound advice here, just some empathy and sympathy. Do what's best for *you*.
Sounds like you've invested a lot in your friend, and you don't wanna let go. That's gotta be painful, and so is that feeling of helplessness when you're powerless against the addiction.
No sound advice here, just some empathy and sympathy. Do what's best for *you*.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I'm sorry about your situation, but glad you joined us.
Watching someone we love destroy themselves with drugs breaks our hearts. My son is an addict and I know how much I "wanted" him to go to rehab, learn a better way and never use again. Sadly, it didn't work that way. My son has been to many rehabs and today is out there somewhere lost in his addiction.
After years of pleading, begging, bribing, threatening and tears that would fill an ocean, I learned that his addiction really had nothing to do with me and that nothing I did or didn't do could save him, only he could do that when he was ready.
What saved my sanity was going to meetings, getting a sponsor and learning to work the 12 steps of recovery. Today I have peace in my heart and I have found a joy in life that I didn't know was possible.
Take a read around, make yourself comfortable and know that you are among friends who understand.
Hugs
Watching someone we love destroy themselves with drugs breaks our hearts. My son is an addict and I know how much I "wanted" him to go to rehab, learn a better way and never use again. Sadly, it didn't work that way. My son has been to many rehabs and today is out there somewhere lost in his addiction.
After years of pleading, begging, bribing, threatening and tears that would fill an ocean, I learned that his addiction really had nothing to do with me and that nothing I did or didn't do could save him, only he could do that when he was ready.
What saved my sanity was going to meetings, getting a sponsor and learning to work the 12 steps of recovery. Today I have peace in my heart and I have found a joy in life that I didn't know was possible.
Take a read around, make yourself comfortable and know that you are among friends who understand.
Hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 5
that nothing I did or didn't do could save him, only he could do that when he was ready.
The thing that really gets me confused is the crying he does,the promises,the desire to have a "normal life" but then what happens? He leaves my house to do his thing then call me again saying how much he hates himself for doing this. I know he wants to stop-I know he does.Its heartbreaking to see him do this to himself. I feel so powerless,so sad.Its nice to be with people who know how I feel.
The thing that really gets me confused is the crying he does,the promises,the desire to have a "normal life" but then what happens? He leaves my house to do his thing then call me again saying how much he hates himself for doing this. I know he wants to stop-I know he does.Its heartbreaking to see him do this to himself. I feel so powerless,so sad.Its nice to be with people who know how I feel.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 24
I can totally relate. THe addict in my life is my husband. He says the same things. The crying, the begging for forgiveness all of the promises to go to meetings. Saying things like I cant do it without you. " I can... but it will be harder.......Blah Blah Blah.
They say all of the right things and know what they have to do to stay clean. But I have lived first hand to many times the broken promises. Words mean nothing to me at this point. Action is all I believe. Is he committed to a program? Do he go without being asked? Does he do the work, the readings? Does he apply what he has learned to his daily life? OR is he too busy. To many times I have seen my AH become complacent and then the enevidible happens "relapse"
If he really wants to stay clean he has to work his program everyday.
And thats how you do it. One day at a time.
My AH has been to 3- 28 day programs in one year. And still he doesnt recognize or acknowledge his triggers. IF he does he doesnt reach out to his sponsor ar anybody else. HE keeps it to himself. I dont know why my AH is so stubborn about his aftercare program.
I'm sorry for what you are going through. I have been there too many times and I dont really have any advice for you.
Just know that you are not alone.
They say all of the right things and know what they have to do to stay clean. But I have lived first hand to many times the broken promises. Words mean nothing to me at this point. Action is all I believe. Is he committed to a program? Do he go without being asked? Does he do the work, the readings? Does he apply what he has learned to his daily life? OR is he too busy. To many times I have seen my AH become complacent and then the enevidible happens "relapse"
If he really wants to stay clean he has to work his program everyday.
And thats how you do it. One day at a time.
My AH has been to 3- 28 day programs in one year. And still he doesnt recognize or acknowledge his triggers. IF he does he doesnt reach out to his sponsor ar anybody else. HE keeps it to himself. I dont know why my AH is so stubborn about his aftercare program.
I'm sorry for what you are going through. I have been there too many times and I dont really have any advice for you.
Just know that you are not alone.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: 02170
Posts: 18
"run for the hills"
i was in your boat 2 weeks ago. one of the forum people said - "run for the hills girl, you are too young for this". so i did... my exabf's DOC was OCs, heroin, fentanyl - any opiate he could get his hands on. it's not that easy to get off of them. and if you are not an addict yourself it is very hard to see if he is clean or not. don't enable him, let him hit the rock bottom. don't believe a single word you hear from his mouth. don't trust him. put yourself first and let it go!
good luck
good luck
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: NY
Posts: 204
Been there, done that, have the t-shirt.
It is very confusing, my xhb put me and my girls through living hell for 5 years, while 5 years is not much to many people, I seen him become the same type of addict who had been using all his life. I had to let go for myself and for my girls, for me that meant walking out. Today he is clean sober (16 mos). Each time he got clean it got longer, what I had to hang on to was that he did want to get better. They really do. They don't like being this way anymore than we like watching it.
Remember something though, as long as he wants it there is still hope, in the meantime the only thing you can do is take care of yourself. Love the addict but hate the addiction, accept the addict but don't accept the behaviors associated with addiction, create healthy boundaries and try not to make rash or quick decisions.
The thing that really gets me confused is the crying he does,the promises,the desire to have a "normal life" but then what happens? He leaves my house to do his thing then call me again saying how much he hates himself for doing this. I know he wants to stop-I know he does.Its heartbreaking to see him do this to himself. I feel so powerless,so sad.Its nice to be with people who know how I feel
Remember something though, as long as he wants it there is still hope, in the meantime the only thing you can do is take care of yourself. Love the addict but hate the addiction, accept the addict but don't accept the behaviors associated with addiction, create healthy boundaries and try not to make rash or quick decisions.
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