Selah

My abf or bf or whatever he currently is...is coming home from rehab next tuesday.
I spoke with his doctor yesterday and after reading about all of this codependency stuff I am questioning how much involvement I should be having.

The abf's mother has been very involved with the doctor regarding his recovery but I was certain she wasn't telling the "truths of their home."

When I spoke to her(the doc) I thought it was a bad idea for him to retun home from out of state. I think staying in a halfway or assisted community for while will really help him build his drug free base for a new life....I just feel if he comes back he will return to the job he hates(family business where he is not held accountable) return to a home where the mother drinks(not terribly but more than she should), other siblings that smoke pot, and an affluent neighborhood where most kids have so much money they dont have anything better to do. He's been told by his family it's ok if you smoke pot at least you're not taking pills...WHAT!

Today I get the feeling the doc may have mentioned this to the family...it's not the most sturdy environment for him to return to. I think the mom may be unhappy with me.

Did I cross the line? I felt as though this was a selfless act, of course I wanted to see him, before he left we talked of moving in together, marriage, etc. But truely he has no support group here except me and I feel like a codependent mess.

Lovestoomuch

This is just my thought on it. When I read the above, personally I think all you did was give your opinion on the situation. I don't see where you manipulated anyone or anything. You simply gave some known facts of what your abf would be headed back in to. Inevitably .......and you know this.......the choice will be your abf's........not yours, his mothers, or anyone else's.

I don't see where you did anything Codie like at all. And if his mother has a problem with what was said to the doctor.........well, she has a voice and can give her own opinion in the matter.

What it boils down to is your ABF wanting to stay clean........no matter what environment he's placed into.

BrokenBridges24

I think you did just fine. I think your honesty about how you feel about him coming home is great. I agree with you, no way should he come there with you. He needs to work the steps and part of that is getting himself from A to B. No matter what his mother feels, it is her business. Do not worry about it. One of these fine ladies told me once “what other people think of us is really none of our business.” If you put it that way to your situation it will take a HUGE load off your shoulders and you can let go of those feelings.

You did fine. Honest.

-Broken

cmc

I agree with Loves When I continued to be involved in areas my son's life where I should not be, I was 'telling' him by my actions that he was incapable. I had to remind myself that he is not a child, and I shouldn't treat him like one. When I gave that responsibility back to him, he rose to the occasion and sometimes fell flat on his face, but he did it on his own. His success belongs only to himself- he has been clean for 16 months, has a good job and is picking up all the broken pieces of his life.

I see no reason why you or his mom should be discussing things with his doctor- I learned it's better for me and for my son, when I detach from being involved in his choices about his recovery or anything else in his life. I will give my opinion (only once) if asked and the rest is up to him. It wasn't easy to do, and at first I had to rehearse what I wanted to say, and many times just remain silent. I learned to say things like "I know you will figure out what is best for yourself," "it's your decision" or anything else that took 'me' out of the situation.
You asked if you crossed a line, and said that you are his only support system. Do you think you crossed a line? I support my son's recovery by bowing out of the role I used to fill and forcing him to find a 'real' support group, halfway house, program and/or sponsor. I can only work a program for myself, not for another person.

Selah

thank you....I guess it's just hard to tell the truth sometimes if you think you're hurting someone else. I didn't want his family to feel I didn't think highly of them b/c I am very close with them. In addition after he left I just recently became aware of how codie I really was, and it made me uncomfortable to speak up and say what I thought he should do....when I am trying soooooooooo hard to just stay out of it.

thank you guys for responding

HKAngel24

Selah-

I agree with all those before me (who have much more recovery under their belt) - it was just that- an opinion. You weren't posing a - "if you don't do x than y will occur" sort of manipulation- you were simply saying what seems to be the truth- because ultimately you want him clean and in recovery.