MsPINKAcres

I found out that my HP is willing to go to great lengths to make sure I know He hears mine.

I had a very emotional evening yesterday. As I have shared before with a few others, I have seen strong signs that my AH is actively using again. He is still attending his AA meetings, but old behaviors and unhealthy patterns seem to be appearing more and more on a regular basis.

This has made me work extremely hard on my own recovery, using the tools of detachment and even trying detachment w/love, self-care, healthy compassion, and minding my own business. Then I made a mistake - I went to "Ritaville" alone - I began to wonder if I was really seeing what I thought I was seeing - discounting my instincts, my beliefs and my truths. You know that doubt and that feeling that "we are the crazy one"

My recent prayers have been for my HP to show me that I'm on the right path - that I know what I know, and I'm not crazy.

Yesterday, my doubts were put at ease - and without sharing details - I can tell you that my HP let me know that I'm not crazy & I DO know what I'm dealing with. Even half-way expecting it - it still knocked me for a bit - Said a prayer "God, now I have no idea what to do, to stay, to go, to whatever - You are going to have to show me some clear cut paths cause I can't see anything"

And I heard my recovery family say when you don't know what to do then do the "Next Right Thing" - So I folded clothes. Monday nite, a member in my f2f home group had given me a speaker tape & said "Rita you have got to listen to this tape, you are going to want to hear her story" So as I'm folding clothes & listening - this woman talks about her life with an AH - how it was before, what happened & what it was like after - THEN 5 yrs in sobriety her AH has surgery and her exact words were "he developed an allergy to the pain meds" and I knew she wasn't talking about an allergy that Benadryl could help.

It was the same allergy that he had to alcohol - over the next few yrs her AH tried to stop but couldn't - he left their home & died a short time later of a heart attack in his early 40's.

God used her to talk to me about working on her own program, about taking care of herself, and about loving her AH from a distance when he couldn't love himself.

I have no idea what will happen as we walk down this road - I know that today I'm still in this marriage, I know may have to change tomorrow - but today I can still be here. I know that my God hears my prayers and is with me - because I have no idea when this speaker told her story - but I know that my friend from my f2f got the speaker tape from her daughter who just picked up a Desire Chip at an AA meeting last week and someone gave her a copy of the tape.

Amazing how my HP will send messages to me thru such a complicated channel huh? I guess it is just a gentle reminder that He's in control and He knows.

So here I am adding another chapter in my story of recovery - how it will end - we will just have to wait to find out - but regardless of the ending I shall keep doing the Next Right Thing working on Living Happy Joyous & Free,

The same thing that I pray for each of you,

Wishing you Serenity & Joy,
Rita

BigSis

Not as much as I used to.

Once I learned to listen and to understand that the "answer" may well be something I 1. Don't want to hear, or 2. Don't understand.



Looking back, I can see where with every rehab and relapse my kid learned something, and so did we... I can see that each of those events were "necessary" to get us all to where we are today.

And it DIDN'T go as I was praying for...imagine that!

So - instead of getting clean, finishing high school, going to college, meeting an educated man, having a career and then starting a family she...


Went to rehab, met another addict, got pregnant, got married, and is pregnant again.

BUT

She is clean and sober.
He is clean and sober.

And that little guy they brought into our world is... magic. There is no other word for it.

So today, I KNOW God answers prayers... he just doesn't "follow orders".

WENDYLOST101

Rita, I really needed to hear this today. Thanks.

Lovestoomuch

I know my HP hears my prayers. He held my hand through out the entire time with my exabf and never let me go! I also know that he may not always give me what I've prayed for, but sometimes it's exactly what I need.


BTW...........WHAT AN ADORABLE BABY SIS!!! SUCH A CUTIE!! YOU LOOK SO PROUD......

laketime

There was an article in a recent Time magazine. It was about Mother Teresa. She experienced something Catholic's call a "dark night". It means you feel seperated from God and feel that he doesn't answer your prayers. I found it odd that a nun who devoted her entire life to the ministry of the sick and dying people on the streets of Bombay India could feel this. I was very surprised as I read on that her dark night lasted 50 years. Wow. However, during all this time she never waivered in her prayers or her service to other human beings. Her ministry grew during this period from one woman to a worldwide organization of helping others. He was hearing and resonding, she just could'nt see it. So without seeing but believeing and with unwithering faith she pressed ahead. That's being faithful and that's God answering prayers.

cookconfay

I'd go paint if I were closer!!!! No better way to get out of my FUNK than to help someone else!!!!! Thanks for sharing Anvil!

MsPINKAcres

Thanks Anvil,

I'm with Connie - I'd go help paint - pm me if there is a way that we can help your project. - I know one way is to lift that Mom & Daughter up in prayers - I just finished saying prayers for the family & for safety for those volunteering on Friday.

God continues to work - all I have to do is suit up & show up - right?

ajangels2

I do believe that God hears my prayers. He has been listening and even drying some of my tears these last few months. As a child I never doubted my God being there for me. I called him Abba!! and knew deep down that no matter where I went, who I was with, or troubles might come my way he would be there guiding me, protecting me and comforting me. My anger at time would arise at God when it was really my AH that I was angry at. Angry for the binge he'd just have, the money wasted, the wrecked car, the lost credit. It's not God's fault my husband is an A. Heck its not even my A's fault he's an A. Once I got that.... my anger disapated and I could embrace the love of God again. Even when I'm angry and doing wrong he's there listening and working things out behind the scenes.

The last thing God would want you to believe is that you are crazy. I've had those crazy times too, and he also revealed to me that I'm not crazy... its the situation that's crazy. Thanks for sharing this with us today.

Peace~
Shaun

caileesnana

I too wonder if he hears or is too busy w/ something more concerning. Then I stop and think, listen and pray and I know he is there, walking beside me if not carrying me. He is there and for some reason, we are going through these valleys. But, whatever his plan, he is there. and for me, holds me up daily!
susan