standing still this time... but it still hurts
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: dallas
Posts: 19
standing still this time... but it still hurts
it's been a looong time since i posted something here... things got busy. My addict husband got a great job, we moved, we went on our first holiday together...hell, i even got my green card and am currently interviewing... so, using was out of the picture
after about 4 months my AH disappeared on me this weekend. i have done so well this time though.. i've taken care of myself and not said or done much. i'm trying to incorporate a lot of eastern wisdom (esp. eckhart tolle's Power of Now... he's changed my way of seeing life)... i'm letting my AH feel his feelings (not sure how much he cares since this story has been repeating for years now)
i'm trying hard to stay focused on this moment rather than worry about the future and the possibility of getting my entire credit ruined as everything is on my name, bla bla....
i feel lonely and don't feel loved right now. and i know in active addiction love may not exist for the user, but for some reason it hurts as i think "when he's not actively using, does he love me?" sometimes even when he is NOT actively using, he'll say things like i married you because i was caught up in drugs and didn't know any better.... i know the addict even when not using is STILL an addict and has the low self esteem, bitter, self-loathing feelings about themselves....
i guess i just feel alone. despite all the groups and books, sometimes it is JUST LONELY in a marriage/relationship with an addict... and i wonder if anyone else feels this way? one can't be strong all the time...
after about 4 months my AH disappeared on me this weekend. i have done so well this time though.. i've taken care of myself and not said or done much. i'm trying to incorporate a lot of eastern wisdom (esp. eckhart tolle's Power of Now... he's changed my way of seeing life)... i'm letting my AH feel his feelings (not sure how much he cares since this story has been repeating for years now)
i'm trying hard to stay focused on this moment rather than worry about the future and the possibility of getting my entire credit ruined as everything is on my name, bla bla....
i feel lonely and don't feel loved right now. and i know in active addiction love may not exist for the user, but for some reason it hurts as i think "when he's not actively using, does he love me?" sometimes even when he is NOT actively using, he'll say things like i married you because i was caught up in drugs and didn't know any better.... i know the addict even when not using is STILL an addict and has the low self esteem, bitter, self-loathing feelings about themselves....
i guess i just feel alone. despite all the groups and books, sometimes it is JUST LONELY in a marriage/relationship with an addict... and i wonder if anyone else feels this way? one can't be strong all the time...
Rest peacefully Sonny Boy
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Florida, Tennessee
Posts: 840
((malihas))
Some of my lonliest times in my life were when I was with my addict. It was worse than being alone. I was alone when the person that was supposed to love me the most was right there.
You sound like you are doing good in your recovery. You sound strong. Just take it one day at a time.
Hugs and Prayers
B
Some of my lonliest times in my life were when I was with my addict. It was worse than being alone. I was alone when the person that was supposed to love me the most was right there.
You sound like you are doing good in your recovery. You sound strong. Just take it one day at a time.
Hugs and Prayers
B
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
It definitely can be lonely in a relationship with an addict...It can be lonely in a relationship where you realize there is no longer anything there too. I'd rather be alone and not lonely than with someone and lonely. I'm sorry you are going through this but glad that you are taking care of you. Hugs
Or However You Spell It....
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Safe
Posts: 4,264
Some of my lonliest times in my life were when I was with my addict. It was worse than being alone. I was alone when the person that was supposed to love me the most was right there.
I'd rather be alone and not lonely than with someone and lonely.
Or However You Spell It....
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Safe
Posts: 4,264
I want to share a personal story with you and even talking about it brings back some painful memories, but I know now they only serve to heal.
It was the 4th of July 2 years ago and my exabf was off again on a crack binge. I was home all alone and I had to go to the store. Now I had avoided going because I knew I couldn't handle what I would see and I was right.
As I drove through town I saw houses with cars lined up in the yards, BBQ grills going, sparklers, ............families having 4th of July celebrations with friends and other family members.
There I was really feeling truly alone for the first time since discovering my ex's addiction. I felt so sorry for myself and I cried and cried.
I wasn't in a very good state of mind when i posted here on SR about how I was feeling, what it was that made me feel this way........I was so down.
It was within minutes I got a PM from one special member here asking for my phone number so she could call me. We talked for a while and afterwards I felt so much better.........so so much better. She reminded me that although I was feeling lonely, i wasn't really alone........and although it took a bit of time to understand exactly what she meant, I eventually did.
It helps to come here and talk it out, or take up a hobby, volunteer some place..........whatever you need to do on those days and nights where you start to feel unloved or that you just don't matter. I learned I was and am still very much loved by my second family here on SR and that in itself made such a difference in my life.
Keep focusing on yourself and eventually you'll learn to love your own company as I have. .........and when and if the pain gets to be too much.....you just hop on here, and we'll be there to help you through it. I just don't know where I'd be right now without this place.
Kris
It was the 4th of July 2 years ago and my exabf was off again on a crack binge. I was home all alone and I had to go to the store. Now I had avoided going because I knew I couldn't handle what I would see and I was right.
As I drove through town I saw houses with cars lined up in the yards, BBQ grills going, sparklers, ............families having 4th of July celebrations with friends and other family members.
There I was really feeling truly alone for the first time since discovering my ex's addiction. I felt so sorry for myself and I cried and cried.
I wasn't in a very good state of mind when i posted here on SR about how I was feeling, what it was that made me feel this way........I was so down.
It was within minutes I got a PM from one special member here asking for my phone number so she could call me. We talked for a while and afterwards I felt so much better.........so so much better. She reminded me that although I was feeling lonely, i wasn't really alone........and although it took a bit of time to understand exactly what she meant, I eventually did.
It helps to come here and talk it out, or take up a hobby, volunteer some place..........whatever you need to do on those days and nights where you start to feel unloved or that you just don't matter. I learned I was and am still very much loved by my second family here on SR and that in itself made such a difference in my life.
Keep focusing on yourself and eventually you'll learn to love your own company as I have. .........and when and if the pain gets to be too much.....you just hop on here, and we'll be there to help you through it. I just don't know where I'd be right now without this place.
Kris
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