looking for help
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 5
looking for help
ive been reading posts here for a few days and even though ive taken in a lot, i havent run across a story quite like mine yet so here it goes:
i met my boyfriend about 18 months ago. at that time he was 3 months clean and sober after 12 years of drinking and drugging. His drug of choice in his worst moments was crack cocaine. looking back i know now our relationship moved way too fast for how fresh he was out of rehab. he was still doing outpatient when we met and continued it for a good 6 months or so until he was discharged. he quit going to aa right around that same time too. he told me he felt good and didnt need it anymore. ill add ive never done drugs or been around anyone one drugs so i dont have a clue about addiction at this point. i feel like he is "cured". we decide to try having a baby, our lives are going so good and that would make it perfect. i got pregnant almost right away and everything seemed so wonderful. this summer things slowing came crashing down. i start seeing his old drug buddies number in his phone. i question him and he claims hes calling him for pain killers for his back. then i see atm withdrawls at 4 am and question those, he admits to smoking pot and taking even more pills. at this point ive been on bedrest for a month for preterm labor and cannot work. our baby is scheduled to be born in less than a week. i sit him down and tell him this is not okay and i cannot let my daughter into his life if he chooses to be this way. i gave him the option to stop everything he is doing and get back to where he was when we decided to have this child or walk away right then. he chooses us and tells me he is done with all the crap, he just let things get away from him. our daughter is born and he is so amazing with her. i really feel i have my family back. day 7 of her life: i find pills in our bathroom. i save my anger for later in the day when we can talk because i need for him to get better. i confont him after dinner. he tells me he is ashamed and wants to get help. he is going to a meeting, i said it sounds great. he never comes home until 7 the next morning. he was already high on crack when we had the sit down. he used the meeting as an excuse to go get more and then he couldnt stop so he spent over $600 on crack. he admitted he did it a couple weeks earlier too right before taking my older daughters to cheer practice and that hed been taking pills every morning and taking care of our baby while i slept. i tells me he only used those two times since we met. then something triggers me about a strange conversation we had when i was out of town 4 months ago. i ask him if he used drugs that night and he said yes.
how do i get past all this? how do i believe he really loves us? he left me 7 days after having a c-section to smoke crack!! how do i believe he can be clean and sober? how can i trust him with my children? how do i let him out of my sight without thinking he will use? he was clean for over a year. i know thats not a long time but its longer than he has ever been since he was 15. he is going to aa meetings almost everyday. he tried na meetings and he didnt feel good about being around all the junkies, most of them court ordered to go so they werent seriuos. he has also started drug counsling again. he called his paster whom he has avoided for months too. he is going to church every sunday.
i seem to be blocking it all out to have good days with him, and we do. But then after awhile it all hits me like a ton of bricks. I want this to work so bad, i guess i just need to find a way.
i met my boyfriend about 18 months ago. at that time he was 3 months clean and sober after 12 years of drinking and drugging. His drug of choice in his worst moments was crack cocaine. looking back i know now our relationship moved way too fast for how fresh he was out of rehab. he was still doing outpatient when we met and continued it for a good 6 months or so until he was discharged. he quit going to aa right around that same time too. he told me he felt good and didnt need it anymore. ill add ive never done drugs or been around anyone one drugs so i dont have a clue about addiction at this point. i feel like he is "cured". we decide to try having a baby, our lives are going so good and that would make it perfect. i got pregnant almost right away and everything seemed so wonderful. this summer things slowing came crashing down. i start seeing his old drug buddies number in his phone. i question him and he claims hes calling him for pain killers for his back. then i see atm withdrawls at 4 am and question those, he admits to smoking pot and taking even more pills. at this point ive been on bedrest for a month for preterm labor and cannot work. our baby is scheduled to be born in less than a week. i sit him down and tell him this is not okay and i cannot let my daughter into his life if he chooses to be this way. i gave him the option to stop everything he is doing and get back to where he was when we decided to have this child or walk away right then. he chooses us and tells me he is done with all the crap, he just let things get away from him. our daughter is born and he is so amazing with her. i really feel i have my family back. day 7 of her life: i find pills in our bathroom. i save my anger for later in the day when we can talk because i need for him to get better. i confont him after dinner. he tells me he is ashamed and wants to get help. he is going to a meeting, i said it sounds great. he never comes home until 7 the next morning. he was already high on crack when we had the sit down. he used the meeting as an excuse to go get more and then he couldnt stop so he spent over $600 on crack. he admitted he did it a couple weeks earlier too right before taking my older daughters to cheer practice and that hed been taking pills every morning and taking care of our baby while i slept. i tells me he only used those two times since we met. then something triggers me about a strange conversation we had when i was out of town 4 months ago. i ask him if he used drugs that night and he said yes.
how do i get past all this? how do i believe he really loves us? he left me 7 days after having a c-section to smoke crack!! how do i believe he can be clean and sober? how can i trust him with my children? how do i let him out of my sight without thinking he will use? he was clean for over a year. i know thats not a long time but its longer than he has ever been since he was 15. he is going to aa meetings almost everyday. he tried na meetings and he didnt feel good about being around all the junkies, most of them court ordered to go so they werent seriuos. he has also started drug counsling again. he called his paster whom he has avoided for months too. he is going to church every sunday.
i seem to be blocking it all out to have good days with him, and we do. But then after awhile it all hits me like a ton of bricks. I want this to work so bad, i guess i just need to find a way.
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
Welcome. I am glad you found SR. This place has been a life saver and a sanity restorer for me. I hope you find comfort and help here.
Addiction is something that just takes over a person, changing everything about them. They want to stop but can not without help and a willngness to change.
The best thing we can do is seek out help for our own self. Something that will keep my focus off the addict so I don't get dragged into all his drama and chaos.
I found alanon to help me.
You say he does not like NA. Well, I have heard the same thing about it. Maybe he should go to AA. It's a totally different atmosphere there.
I know it hurts to go through all this, but just remember it really is not your fault he's drugging. It has nothing to do with you really.
Others will be along and offer their helpful insight. Keep posting. I find it helps me tremendously, especially when I feel stressed out!
Addiction is something that just takes over a person, changing everything about them. They want to stop but can not without help and a willngness to change.
The best thing we can do is seek out help for our own self. Something that will keep my focus off the addict so I don't get dragged into all his drama and chaos.
I found alanon to help me.
You say he does not like NA. Well, I have heard the same thing about it. Maybe he should go to AA. It's a totally different atmosphere there.
I know it hurts to go through all this, but just remember it really is not your fault he's drugging. It has nothing to do with you really.
Others will be along and offer their helpful insight. Keep posting. I find it helps me tremendously, especially when I feel stressed out!
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Welcome...I'm glad you have started reading here and I hope it is the first step in your recovery. Just like the addict must work recovery for himself, you too can benefit from working on recovering from the effect addiction has had in your life.
One of the best things to learn early on is the 3 C's - you didn't cause it, can't cure it and can't control it. Best you can do for you and your little one is focus on you and the baby and let him take care of his own recovery.
If you have assets or credit to protect, I would suggest keeping things separate so if he does binge, you won't be pulled down with him. We can hope for the best, but be prepared for the worst. I'm sure he loves you and your daughter, but he has a disease and love alone isn't enough to overcome it. Addiction is cunning and baffling...it's so hard to understand why someone would go back out, but that is for him and his sponsor to work out.
Have you tried any Alanon or Naranon meetings? The face to face support from people who have been or are where you are at is wonderful. Many groups are fine with you bringing the baby...I know in my home group, we welcome all family members.
Keep reading and posting. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Hugs.
One of the best things to learn early on is the 3 C's - you didn't cause it, can't cure it and can't control it. Best you can do for you and your little one is focus on you and the baby and let him take care of his own recovery.
If you have assets or credit to protect, I would suggest keeping things separate so if he does binge, you won't be pulled down with him. We can hope for the best, but be prepared for the worst. I'm sure he loves you and your daughter, but he has a disease and love alone isn't enough to overcome it. Addiction is cunning and baffling...it's so hard to understand why someone would go back out, but that is for him and his sponsor to work out.
Have you tried any Alanon or Naranon meetings? The face to face support from people who have been or are where you are at is wonderful. Many groups are fine with you bringing the baby...I know in my home group, we welcome all family members.
Keep reading and posting. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Hugs.
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Hey Madonna,
So glad you've found SR and this board. There are a lot of people here who understand how you feel and have been through the same thing, so you are not alone.
The deal with addiction is it's a "family disease." Your boyfriend probably tells himself that he's not going to do it anymore, but just can't quit. That's not because he's weak or has no willpower, but because he has a disease. Now to get better he has to decide he wants help and how and where he's going to get it. You can't get him clean/sober. He must decide how badly he wants it. AA is a great place for him to learn how to live clean and sober, so I'm glad he's going to those meetings.
Now in the meantime, you and your children have been sucked into this disease. Your life, just like his, has become unmanageable and falling apart. Oh yes, how well I know. Take a look around this board. Everyone here has gotten to that point due to the disease of addiction living in their home.
Madonna, the best thing I did for myself was to start attending Al Anon meetings. Those are meetings for friends and family members of the addicted/alcoholic. I've learned so much about how I should or shouldn't be handling my life in the midst of the addiction. The 12 step program has truly changed my outlook on my daughter's addiction and has lead me to a much more peaceful way of living ... for ME. So if you can, please try find a meeting near you and attend.
And your question about how can you trust him with your children? Sadly, I'd say you can't at this point. If he's been keeping them while high, I'd be making other arrangements so I'd know they are being cared for properly.
I hope you'll stick around here and post some more. And I hope you'll find an Al Anon meeting near you.
Hugs,
Hangin' In
So glad you've found SR and this board. There are a lot of people here who understand how you feel and have been through the same thing, so you are not alone.
The deal with addiction is it's a "family disease." Your boyfriend probably tells himself that he's not going to do it anymore, but just can't quit. That's not because he's weak or has no willpower, but because he has a disease. Now to get better he has to decide he wants help and how and where he's going to get it. You can't get him clean/sober. He must decide how badly he wants it. AA is a great place for him to learn how to live clean and sober, so I'm glad he's going to those meetings.
Now in the meantime, you and your children have been sucked into this disease. Your life, just like his, has become unmanageable and falling apart. Oh yes, how well I know. Take a look around this board. Everyone here has gotten to that point due to the disease of addiction living in their home.
Madonna, the best thing I did for myself was to start attending Al Anon meetings. Those are meetings for friends and family members of the addicted/alcoholic. I've learned so much about how I should or shouldn't be handling my life in the midst of the addiction. The 12 step program has truly changed my outlook on my daughter's addiction and has lead me to a much more peaceful way of living ... for ME. So if you can, please try find a meeting near you and attend.
And your question about how can you trust him with your children? Sadly, I'd say you can't at this point. If he's been keeping them while high, I'd be making other arrangements so I'd know they are being cared for properly.
I hope you'll stick around here and post some more. And I hope you'll find an Al Anon meeting near you.
Hugs,
Hangin' In
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 518
Madonna-
Welcome to SR. There is a tremendous amount of support and comfort here on these boards. I urge you to please read the "What Addicts Do" - a sticky at the top of the forum. It continues to be a wake-up call for me when I mentally start to plant roses in my mind without acknowledging the power of addiction.
For so many months I rode the rollarcoaster of addiction- leeched onto his every move, his every lie and betrayal. It broke me down into tiny pieces of something I once called myself and make me terrified of trusting my ability to have strength and to be myself again. I had allowed myself to be subjected to such pain- could I really trust myself to take care of me? He is currently in a sober house in Florida for 6 months. Despite his convincing, there are never any guarentees and I can attest to the fact that no matter how far away they are - until you can mentally separate- you'll still be controlled by their addiction (As long as you let it.) One of the hardest concepts for me WAS and still continues to be separating HIS love for me from his addiction. I kept thinking that there must be some HUGE flaw in me if he couldn't see how powerful our love was and work for that versus give into his addiction. I based alot of my self-worth on his recovery and sadly I STILL do - when I realize this- I need to pull back and reassess the situation.
Only HE can choose to recover. His inability to apply himself and move in that direction is NO REFLECTION OF YOU at all - it is a reflection of the deapth of his disease. No matter how much you love him or support him or give to him- he will still continue to act out in his addiction until he gets the help he needs and until he makes a concious decision to turn his life around.
I can honestly say that accepting that I have NO control over what abf decides to do is something I need to remind myself everyday and many days I don't "get" it- I can't grasp the concept and than I wonder why I feel so insane and crazy.
I have heard it said many times to me on this board- things get better when we get better. Nothing changes if nothing changes. Which to me continues to mean that I have to stop expecting the addict to clean up without looking at myself - in fact I cannot put ANY faith or trust in the addict AT ALL - if I want peace of mind I must stop looking to him to put even me back together. Accepting the reality of addiction hurts- the WORST thing about all of this is that it is something most of us have to learn on our own.
Please try to take care of you and if you are unsure of how to do this as I often am- come here and read and ask. There is a tremendous amount of support and wise individuals who have recovery under their belt.
Welcome to SR. There is a tremendous amount of support and comfort here on these boards. I urge you to please read the "What Addicts Do" - a sticky at the top of the forum. It continues to be a wake-up call for me when I mentally start to plant roses in my mind without acknowledging the power of addiction.
For so many months I rode the rollarcoaster of addiction- leeched onto his every move, his every lie and betrayal. It broke me down into tiny pieces of something I once called myself and make me terrified of trusting my ability to have strength and to be myself again. I had allowed myself to be subjected to such pain- could I really trust myself to take care of me? He is currently in a sober house in Florida for 6 months. Despite his convincing, there are never any guarentees and I can attest to the fact that no matter how far away they are - until you can mentally separate- you'll still be controlled by their addiction (As long as you let it.) One of the hardest concepts for me WAS and still continues to be separating HIS love for me from his addiction. I kept thinking that there must be some HUGE flaw in me if he couldn't see how powerful our love was and work for that versus give into his addiction. I based alot of my self-worth on his recovery and sadly I STILL do - when I realize this- I need to pull back and reassess the situation.
Only HE can choose to recover. His inability to apply himself and move in that direction is NO REFLECTION OF YOU at all - it is a reflection of the deapth of his disease. No matter how much you love him or support him or give to him- he will still continue to act out in his addiction until he gets the help he needs and until he makes a concious decision to turn his life around.
I can honestly say that accepting that I have NO control over what abf decides to do is something I need to remind myself everyday and many days I don't "get" it- I can't grasp the concept and than I wonder why I feel so insane and crazy.
I have heard it said many times to me on this board- things get better when we get better. Nothing changes if nothing changes. Which to me continues to mean that I have to stop expecting the addict to clean up without looking at myself - in fact I cannot put ANY faith or trust in the addict AT ALL - if I want peace of mind I must stop looking to him to put even me back together. Accepting the reality of addiction hurts- the WORST thing about all of this is that it is something most of us have to learn on our own.
Please try to take care of you and if you are unsure of how to do this as I often am- come here and read and ask. There is a tremendous amount of support and wise individuals who have recovery under their belt.
Get Caught Reading
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Not in the boonies, thank God
Posts: 1,410
(((((Madonna)))))
I'm sorry for all that your going through. You've come to a good place.
I hope you continue to heal by taking care of you and your children.
You can't change or fix your abf, I'm afraid, but you can learn to live
a much better life for youself and your children, by attending alanon/naranon
meetings. Keep coming back for prayers, support, and feedback.
Praying for you and your family,
Linda
I'm sorry for all that your going through. You've come to a good place.
I hope you continue to heal by taking care of you and your children.
You can't change or fix your abf, I'm afraid, but you can learn to live
a much better life for youself and your children, by attending alanon/naranon
meetings. Keep coming back for prayers, support, and feedback.
Praying for you and your family,
Linda
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 5
a little update...
he got a sponsor today!! this is a huge step for him that he has never taken before. they agreed he would call his sponsor atleast once a day everyday.
i really see him putting so much effort into this its giving me a good feeling. he said to me that never has he had so much good in his life to throw away if he uses again. his decision to get clean two years ago (the only time before he ever tried or wanted to) was based on being sick and tired of having nothing. he lived with his mom, had no car, on probabtion, bills piled sky high, working for pennies of what he should have been making, etc....and hoping to get more out of life. Now, he has that MORE.....a huge house, 2 nice vehicles, a brand new baby DAUGHTER, his own business, and a relationship with me - the first one in his entire life that didnt revolve around drugs and drinking. the first relationship he says he has taken seriously.
maybe im jumping the gun alittle, its only been 11 days. i have seen him suceed before, he stayed clean for over a year doing just what he is doing now - meetings and counciling and church. this time he just seems to be doing even more.
i really see him putting so much effort into this its giving me a good feeling. he said to me that never has he had so much good in his life to throw away if he uses again. his decision to get clean two years ago (the only time before he ever tried or wanted to) was based on being sick and tired of having nothing. he lived with his mom, had no car, on probabtion, bills piled sky high, working for pennies of what he should have been making, etc....and hoping to get more out of life. Now, he has that MORE.....a huge house, 2 nice vehicles, a brand new baby DAUGHTER, his own business, and a relationship with me - the first one in his entire life that didnt revolve around drugs and drinking. the first relationship he says he has taken seriously.
maybe im jumping the gun alittle, its only been 11 days. i have seen him suceed before, he stayed clean for over a year doing just what he is doing now - meetings and counciling and church. this time he just seems to be doing even more.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Originally Posted by madonna504 
he got a sponsor today!! this is a huge step for him that he has never taken before. they agreed he would call his sponsor atleast once a day everyday.
i really see him putting so much effort into this its giving me a good feeling. he said to me that never has he had so much good in his life to throw away if he uses again. his decision to get clean two years ago (the only time before he ever tried or wanted to) was based on being sick and tired of having nothing. he lived with his mom, had no car, on probabtion, bills piled sky high, working for pennies of what he should have been making, etc....and hoping to get more out of life. Now, he has that MORE.....a huge house, 2 nice vehicles, a brand new baby DAUGHTER, his own business, and a relationship with me - the first one in his entire life that didnt revolve around drugs and drinking. the first relationship he says he has taken seriously.
maybe im jumping the gun alittle, its only been 11 days. i have seen him suceed before, he stayed clean for over a year doing just what he is doing now - meetings and counciling and church. this time he just seems to be doing even more.
i really see him putting so much effort into this its giving me a good feeling. he said to me that never has he had so much good in his life to throw away if he uses again. his decision to get clean two years ago (the only time before he ever tried or wanted to) was based on being sick and tired of having nothing. he lived with his mom, had no car, on probabtion, bills piled sky high, working for pennies of what he should have been making, etc....and hoping to get more out of life. Now, he has that MORE.....a huge house, 2 nice vehicles, a brand new baby DAUGHTER, his own business, and a relationship with me - the first one in his entire life that didnt revolve around drugs and drinking. the first relationship he says he has taken seriously.
maybe im jumping the gun alittle, its only been 11 days. i have seen him suceed before, he stayed clean for over a year doing just what he is doing now - meetings and counciling and church. this time he just seems to be doing even more.
That said, sweetie, read what you posted again. It's all about him and you feeling good because he is in a good place right now. What about Madonna? How are you going to take care of you if he happens to fall?
Regardless of how our addicts are, it has helped many of us to go to meetings and to begin to work a program that is about "us". Naranon, Alanon and CoDA are three similar fellowships that have been lifesavers to most of us, I know they have for me.
Keep coming back, keep sharing here, and just know that we understand and that we are here for you anytime.
Hugs
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