aztchr

My mom confided in me that she had checked my sister's purse to see if she brought any drugs in the house. (My mom hasn't started any recovery for herself, yet.)
She hadn't, but my mom did find a photocopy of my grandma's bank info. from another state. My mom had the info because she is on all of my grandma's accounts. My mom will have all authority over the accounts as needed. My mom showed my grandma and grandma said my sister can't do anything with the info. Mom isn't so sure, though. My mom put the paper back into my sister's purse.

Mom wanted me to know so anytime I'm over at her house, I need to lock up my purse or keep it in my sight.

My dilemma is what do I do with the info. my mom gave me? Nothing is probably the answer, right?

ladyamalthea

Well, the truth of the matter is that even if you wanted to do something about your sister having your grandmother's bank info, I'm not sure you could do anything about it regardless. Unless your name is on the account as well? If so, then you could be a potential victim... but until that day, no, no one will do anything about you knowing she has a copy of that info.

I know how frustrating it is to have a mom who is not in recovery yet. My mom has not, as far as I can see, done much in the way of her recovery either. It sounds like our situations are fairly similar. Feel free to PM me sometime.

As far as the purse goes, though, there's probably nothing wrong with making sure to protect yourself as much as possible, just in case... even if it just means keeping the purse with you at all times.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I hope your sister is doing as well as she can.

*hugs and prayers*

aztchr

The more mom tells me, the less I want to know.
There are no boundaries set at the house, yet. I'll have to set my own with my mom telling me too much. I'm really at the point that I'm only concerned with my niece's safety and well-being. I don't live there, so there isn't much I can say or do, except take care of myself and my property.

Ann

If I had found that, I would have destroyed it and said nothing, but that's just me.

I think you are wise to set boundaries with your parents. It serves no useful purpose to get this kind of information, except to be alerted to be careful with your own things and information.

Hugs

greeteachday

I agree with Ann...If I had found it, I would have destroyed it...But that's your mom's call. There really isn't anything you can do, but continue to establish your boundaries with both your mom and your sister. I'm glad you are doing that and trying meetings...It's hard enough to detach from the addict but with your mom too...that takes strength. You sure are grasping this quickly! Hugs

ladyamalthea

Wow... I've been there. I've been in that exact spot. And I had such a hard time with it too, because by the time I realized I needed to set those same boundaries, I was so far into my sister's addiction that I couldn't see clearly enough to get out. I was just as much of a codependant as my mom was. And I was an angry codie too... I just kept thinking to myself, "if I can get through to mom just this once, if she'll just take my advice this one time instead of using me like a diary and going on, everyone's lives will get so much better." But she never would. And so, I kept allowing myself to be my mom's therapist, diary, confidant, and what felt like her only friend... only to further burden myself with my sister's addiction, which I could do nothing about. I was to the point where if Mom was calling me, I'd hardly want to talk to her, because I knew that all we'd talk about it my sister, because that's where the conversation would eventually find itself, no matter what.

Today, thankfully, things are much better between us. I would hope that they would be better even if my sister had not gone into rehab, but I'm honestly not sure. Either way, though, today Mom and I are finally at a place where we both strive to not talk about my sister to each other, because we both know it will just cause more heartache for everyone.

Good luck to you, as I know what a tough road that can be. Like I said before, I'm always here if you need to vent (and so is everyone else, I'm sure).

Lobo

Good advice above. I am also a mom of an AD. I used to snoop into everything. It did not solve a thing. When I did find things I threw them away. When she asked about them I told her she lost he right to privacy when she brought drugs into my home. That was then this is now. She doesn't bring drugs or anyone that uses drugs into my home. She is clean today but I am always on guard. I don't snoop anymore or get in her business. She left her journal out in the open the other day and she wasn't home. There was a perfect opportunity for me to see what was on her mind. Did I? Nope, not even a peek. I've learned a lot here. I'm not perfect by any means.....I still have my relapses too.

Sounds like you are a very smart girl in the way that you want to handle this.

Hugs.........Lo

aztchr

That's exactly how I feel!! It's always about her. I'm not jealous about that, but I do try to remind my mom that there are positive things to talk about, things to be grateful for, and she does have another daughter. I used to get angry about all of that, but now I accept that my mom needs to go through the pain to get to the other side. I can make suggestions and explain what has been working for me, but she'll have to make that choice for herself. I love her unconditionally, but sometimes I can do that better from afar.

ladyamalthea

I am so glad you can see clearly enough through this dark and dramatic fog to know which direction leads to keeping your sanity. It took me way too long to find my way out.

I know exactly what you mean about being more successful loving unconditionally from afar. I love my parents, and my sister, with all of my heart (no nieces or nephews for me yet, thank God), but I am so thankful that there is a small distance between us, because it helps me stay sane, for the same reason.

I'm so glad, also, that we've stumbled on each other here. It's always so reassuring to not just know that others have been in your spot, but that you know of at least one of them.

Keep in touch!

*hugs and prayers*

BigSis

Wow... she put it back? Why? She thought it was your sister's "property"? Egad. Of coures it can be used - else why would she have it? Grandma should at the very least change all the pins and access codes. Mom should lock up (with a key) all the access cards and codes.



I think you are handling yourself well. You might try constantly shifting the subject - no matter how often it takes.... be a broken record. Make a list of topics to talk about that aren't about your sister. If you run out of stuff, stop answering the phone until you find more.

You do not have to be a slave to the phone... it has an off button, caller id and a message machine.


(((hugs)))

Wascally Wabbit

Yes, I snooped too, into both of my childrens affairs. They were young though. The problem was when it continued well past their adult years.
I even had a phone recorder that was hidden. All those conversations they had eventually made me not want to hear any more.

I stopped it all eventually, and now, I don't want to know anything.
Hopefully your mom will get into a program and give herself a break.
In the mean time, take care of your own sanity as you see fit.

aztchr

Evidently, my mom didn't want my sister to know she had snooped.
She told me when she returns, she'll get the info. out again. I said, you'll do whatever you think is best.

My grandma lives out of state and is just visiting until the end of the week. All her accounts are out of state and signatures are needed for everything. Either my mom's or grandma's. I'm out of the loop with this one.

I told Mom of a family group that meets on Sundays for parents of addicts.
She said she'll go next week. I hope she does.

As for myself, my meeting is Saturday.