Afraid 2 let go

My husband had a coke problem last year from mid Feb until Aug. At the time he was my b/f. We married in Dec. He has always had a problem with pills, pain pills, muscle relaxers, nerve pills. I've had to keep them all hidden constantly. TO MY KNOWLEDGE he hasn't touched coke since Aug of 06. His new vice is weed. A little background on him: He has had Carpul Tunnel for 7 years BAD. He had surgery on both hands earlier this year, but still says he's in bad pain. This pain has been his reason for the coke last year, his abusing pills, and now his weed. He has no insurance to see a doc for meds and says weed is the lesser of all evils. I agreed to the weed with some conditions. That it doesn't get out of hand, that it doesn't lead him back to coke or anything stronger, and that I can pop a random home drug test on him at any time. He agreed. His job (construction) requires CONSTANT use of his hands, and I KNOW he does have alot of pain. My main problem is that because of the coke problem last year, I have NO trust in him what so ever. I question him constantly everyday, I check his cell phone call log, I'm driving him and myself crazy!! He says that he will NEVER go back to coke, even if he and I split up, he's through with that crap. Says he never "wanted" to use it to begin with, that it just stopped the pain even for a little while. He is using the weed in moderation as he promised he would. How do I stop all this questioning him and constantly wondering everytime he's out of my sight?? It's ruining our marriage!! All my friends and family(that know his pain over his hands) tell me to let him have his little bit of weed, that's it's actually the equivilant of a few beers, that he has to have "something", that I can't expect him to do the job he does and hurt constantly, and that it's no harm done as long as he stays within the boundaries that he and I set together. What advice can any of you give me?? My main issue as I said is my inability to trust after going through the coke problem with him last year. I want to know how to stop with the constant questions and checking up on him, that is bound to doom our marriage. PLEASE HELP!!

JEN

caileesnana

welcome to SR and welcome to addicition!

You can't fix him, only he can fix himself.

Read the sticky's at top of forum first, they help alot.
susan

devastated

I'm sorry but I would not condone "weed" in any shape or form for the pain! You either take Advil or Tylenol or something legal.

As far as I'm concerned, using any illegal drug is out of the question! I always felt that it was "weed" that was the gateway to my son's addiction.

As far as your questioning him goes, it's because you don't trust him. After all, it takes a long, long, time to build or rebuild trust.

Unfortunately, you can question him all you want but it's not going to help one bit, 'cause he is going to tell you what you want to hear or what you want to believe. The only thing I guarantee it will do and that is, DRIVE YOU CRAZY!

The questioning is helping ruin your marriage, but the real culprit here is drugs!

Hugs, Devastated

Afraid 2 let go

First of all, thank you to everyone who read my story, and replied. As far as Tylenol, Advil, Aleve any LEGAL meds are concerned he says "they don't phase the pain". Also says he doesn't "like" smoking weed either. I'm so confused I'm about ready to just give up!! I do love him VERY much, or Lord knows I wouldn't have went through what I did last year with him, nor hung on this long. I keep HOPING that somehow it will ALL stop, the weed, the lies, the deceit.....all of it, so that we can be TRULY happy again as we were in the first few months of our relationship before all of this crap came into our lives. Again, thank you for reading my story. Good luck to all of you also.

JEN

rayofsunshine

Welcome to SR, Jen. Be sure to read the sticky posts at the top of the forum as mentioned above. Keep reading and posting, you'll get alot of support and encouragement here!

Cupicake

Think of all the money he is spending on drugs that he could've spent on a doctor and medication. I'm just trying to be logical here.....so if anything comes out the wrong way please forgive me. I understand he is going through some pain but it just sounds like he is giving you excuse after excuse for "self medicating". Any kind of drugs are never the lesser of any evil....drugs are just plain evil.
Your mistrust of him stemmed from him abusing drugs...he is still using drugs. No matter how little he is using it just doesn't sit well with you for a good reason.
So if you really think about it...it is not your questioning that is dooming the marriage.
I have no easy answer for you as to how you can step aside and allow things to just be. Just know that unless he wants to stop you can't make him stop...you can question him, test him, follow him around, check his cellphone,....but none of it will change anything except cause you more frustration and heartache.
My thoughts are with you. I understand your needs and frustrations.

dollydo

Welcome,

The fact is: He will always be an addict, it's only a matter of whether he is active or not. He is active, he is not working a program.

Your life will continue to be a ride on a rollercoaster, some can accept that lifestyle and the chaos that goes with it, and, some cannot.

Life is all a matter of choices, you can choose to stay or you can choose to leave.

Have you been to any meetings? I know they helped me, they may help you to better understand addiction.

Take care of you.

drainedwife

welcome to SR....
my ah also has a coke problem....and he continues to lie and cover up his use.
your ah has a drug problem and needs help...alot of people have carpel tunnel, yet they do not seek out illegal drugs to deal with the pain. he needs to go to an md to learn how to deal with it.....and he needs to get some kind of help with his drug problem--either 12 step meetings, or something else along those lines. of course addiction is a disease of denial and so until he realizes he has a problem, he wont get help... i dont think my ah willever get it..he is starting smart recovery program, (hopefully), but i dont think it is nearly as intense as he needs.

i am thinking you dont have children???? since you were just married pretty recently..
you have a decision to make...and you may even want to give your ah a choice--to go get help or not.....it is a gift you will be giving him..if he chooses not to, then maybe you should think twice about staying with someone who is an addict...it is a roller coaster ride and since you dont have kids, its so much easier to end it.

i know i talk the talk--too bad i myself cant walk the walk......i have been putting up with this bs for some time now....i have 2 kids, and i really cant deal with the lies anymore, but i am so weak....i stay because i am too scared to leave...one day though, when the pain of staying is worse than the pain of leaving, i will go...unless by some miracle he gets the help he needs.........

Afraid 2 let go

I just want everyone of you to know that since joining this site only a few days ago I do feel better already. Better because I know I'm not alone, and better because all of you have had really good advice for me, and given me alot to think about. The night I wrote my original post I pretty much had to keep it short and simple, because he was home and I didn't want him knowing about me joining this site. Today he's working and I feel the need to add a little more to my story, so please bare with me. First of all, I DO have kids. I have one married and living on her own with my 2 year old Grandson. I have 2 at home, 13 & 16. These kids don't belong to him in name or by blood, but he treats them as his own and they say he's more of a Dad to them than their own Dad. He doesn't have children of his own. The 2 kids at home are in the D.A.R.E program at school, and my husbands "ways" has been a little hard on them, although he has NEVER done any form of drugs in our home, nor came home high when they were home. They know about his problem, simply because I don't hide anything from my children, and I thought by letting them know what was going on that they could help me in a sense to help him, meaning "let's work together to make him see how loved and needed he is, and how much he means to us", I felt that could help make a difference in his choices. And honestly, it HAS helped. I thank God everyday that the coke problem (knock on wood) is gone. He has also stopped asking me for any kind of pills. I guess the issue now is the weed. As far as someone (I'm sorry I forgot your name) replied to me about asking him questions, and him telling me what he thinks I want to hear or believe.....it goes a little deeper than that. For one thing his boss is MY friend, and knows about the coke problem from last year. I can call him at any time and find out exactly what my husband made that week, the hours he worked each day, etc. My husband knows that if he lies, I WILL catch him with a simple phone call. He hands me his pay every Friday, knows I've kept up with his hours through the week, and knows the money better calculate right. So it's really not a matter of he can tell me what he "thinks" I'll believe, because I will check it out and he knows it. Another thing I forgot to mention when I told about the fact that I can and will pop random drug tests on him at any time is that he was also told "If I test you and it's positive for ANYTHING other than weed, then you go to rehab. Then if you get out and I test you again, and get a positive result for ANYTHING (including weed) then you leave, it's over, that's it!!". He agreed to ALL of it. One thing I'm so confused about is that I KNOW there are other people who have had Carpul Tunnel and didn't "need" illegal drugs for the pain. Yet, I ask myself could it be that because he let his go for so long (7 yrs), and even the doctor told him he "hoped" the surgery would work because it was SO bad at this point, could it REALLY be that he's being honest when he says Tylenol, Advil and the like doesn't help?? I also forgot to mention that he has bone spurs on his spine and near his neck, that hasn't been dealt with by a doctor. PLEASE BELIEVE ME when I tell you God knows I'm NOT trying to make ANY excuses for him. I'm simply trying to understand all of this, because I've never dealt with ANYTHING like it before, and I'm confused and scared. Last night I told him about this site, and that I thought joining it was very good for me. I also explained to him that I think the best thing he can do for his body at this point is for us to find some form of medical insurance for him that we can afford, so that he can start getting the medical attention he needs to FIX his body, and not just keep using weed as a temporary fix. HE AGREED!! So this is where we are now. See, another added problem he has on him is the fact that I am disabled, but can not for some reason get my disability, and God knows I've tried hard. He has ALL of the bills and financial responsibility ON HIM. Since he does construction, there are times when it rains for days at a time and he can't work. This adds even more stress to the situation. Yet, the job he has is the only type of job he's experienced at and trained to do. I have ONE alternative as to a job I can actually do with my disability, and I'm working on a job right now. IF I can get it (PLEASE pray for me), this will help ALL of our problems more than I can explain. For one, he wouldn't have to do construction anymore, this would take care of the job he does making his pain worse, because he could work with me on the job I get. Two-What we could make together in one week doing this job would pay all of our bills for the month and have money to get him medical insurance he so desperately needs. Three- There would be NO excuse then for ANY drugs other than doctor prescribed, and last but not least if there are no drugs, then there is nothing to fight about concerning them, no need for checking up on him, and maybe we can go back to the VERY happy couple we once were. I know this is SO long and I'm sorry. Just wanted to explain the WHOLE situation. Thank you VERY much for reading this long story. And God bless you all!!

greeteachday

I'm glad this site is helping you to feel better. I know I came her hoping to find out how I could "fix" my daughter, and ended up finding out I needed some fixing myself! I was becoming very sick from doing all the crazy things we do to try to control addiction. It was only by focusing on me, going to Naranon meetings and working my own program that I started to find a way out of the darkness. I hope you will keep reading and posting. Hugs.

marle

I am not saying that your husband does not have legitimate pain and everyone is different with the amount of pain that they can handle, but last spring I fractured my kneecap and managed to make it through with regular strength Tylenol. I did not want anything stronger as my daughter is an opiate addict. My mother-in-law also suffered from carpal tunnel and severe arthritis in both knees and hands and she never used anything stronger than aspirin. So your husband is using his pain as an excuse to get high. That is what addicts do. I am sorry that you are in the situation of having to police. I remember the drug tests and checking the paychecks with my daughter. Ended up with both of us having a lot of resentments and it did not stop her addiction. The only thing that worked for me was "hands off the addict". Hugs, Marle

wildcat

Oh boy! He has really replaced one drug for another. I highly recommend going to Naranon meetings. I have been going to them since July of this year (2007) when I found out my AH has a pain killer addiction. He can't smoke weed. That's the bottom line. He's an addict. He will abuse anything he can get his hands on. Also, I think it's important to reiterate that addicts are master manipulators. I know he says that Advil or whatever doesn't help. Either he's lying or he's taking so many other things that that just doesn't phase him. My only advice is for you to go get some kind of help like Naranon and ask him to go to rehab. You have to decide what your boundaries and limitations are for yourself. They are so different for everyone.

Elana

Reading thru all of this I would suggest he has an addiction problem. He has pain.. and so do a lot of other people.. and they don't all do illegal drugs.

as for addiction:
You didn't cause it. You can't control it (tho you are trying). You cannot cure it.

This program helps you to take the focus off him and put it on you and what you need to do. Many people end up leaving the addict because of active addiction. Some do not. The main thing is to figure out what is his stuff to deal with and what is yours. You have to not let him and his addiction rent so much space in your head.

I do not know what your disability is, but if you could get a job.. anything at this point.. it would be wise to do so. This would be for you as much as anything.

As to illegal drugs please be aware that the ILLEGAL is still in there. Some States have zero tolerance laws and if he gets caught they could put you in jail too as an accessory. Is it really worth it to lose your precious FREEDOM?

Take care Jen and welcome. Sorry we had to meet over this issue!

frankie_b

I'm glad you're here and you find SR helpful. Please keep posting whenever you want.
There's alot of support, strenghth and wisdom in the posts above mine.
I've been where you are, confused and trying to understand just what is happening
with a loved one's use of drugs. Addiction has its own agenda which defies all logic and reason. Checking up on him and questioning him are the very things codependents do until they find new ways of coping in recovery. For now, welcome and know you are not alone. We understand what you're going through, share and care.

brokenwing

My Ah is a cocaine addict. HE always said that he cant drink or do any kinds of drugs at all because after awhile he will always go back to his drug of choice its only a matter of time. I pray that he will get help for his pain some other way. I too believe that its only a matter of time when that high wont be enough for him.
Hugs to you.

ConcernedBigSis

Welcome,
My RAH's drug of choice used to be coke. When he quit coke he replaced it with pot. Since then I have gone through years of missed payments, lies, missing money, him stealing out of my children's piggy banks.. etc. I COULD keep track of his hours and paychecks too-he works for my parents, he agreed to random drug tests, I was always the one to take his paycheck and deposit it into MY account- he no longer even has a bank account. He started out just smoking pot "once in awhile" too, because it helped him deal with stress.
Basically, it went from a once in awhile thing to just as bad as when he was using the coke. He just replaced one drug with another. It doesn't matter that I can keep track of his hours, money, etc.... he can still find a way to use.. and lie about it.

Afraid 2 let go

Again, thank you ALL so much for your advice and for caring. I'm trying to post like an update of sorts each day if there is something to add to my story. Hope I don't bore anyone by doing this . Last night he and I talked, and I mentioned this site again to him. I told him that I realize he has pain, but I am concerned that the drugs are an addiction, and that if this is the case he needs to admit to me, but more so to himself that it's an addiction, because he can't and won't recover from it until he admits it. His reply was that he "wishes" his body would go back to normal again, and he'd give anything in the world if it would, because he doesn't "WANT" to use any drugs of any kind. Did he come out and say he was an addict?? No. Yet, he didn't say he wasn't either. I don't know how to take that really, because it could be that he HONESTLY don't see himself as an addict. My husband is a VERY quiet man, and just getting him to talk about it at all is a GREAT accomplishment. He also added last night that he feels the best thing he can do is quit his job in carpentry because his body just won't let him do the job anymore, and that he will no longer smoke weed, because if he's not doing this form of job putting the added pain on his body, then he won't "need" the weed. HIS WORDS. I also want to add that for awhile now he and I have been at a point where we couldn't TALK about anything. I would ask a question and he would snap, yell and curse. He says this is because he's not doing anything wrong other than the weed and he is abiding by our agreement concerning it, and he can't take the questions constantly anymore. Well, several days ago I changed my approach. If I asked him something kindly and he snapped, I just shut down and quit talking to him at all. Same thing happened the next day, and by the next day HE WANTED TO TALK, not yell, not curse, but actually TALK to me. Since then we have TALKED for the first time in months. He's opened up to me more about drugs, his pain, everything. I'm trying to see this as a turning point. I don't want to give up if I did I would have done it already a LONG time ago. His family says that I have made more changes in him in the last 2 years than they've been able to do in 20 years. He has been married once before, but they were only together off and on for 2 years. She used drugs also. They were divorced like 10 years when he and I met, so he had been single for quite some time and a "partier", because he had no family and no responsibility except for himself. I told him recently, "you're 41 years old, it's time to put your partying days to rest and be the family man that you say you've always wanted to be, because you DO have a family now, and we love and need you.....so grow up once and for all". He said "There's NOTHING I want more".

PLEASE keep us in your prayers, and as I said I will try to post something everyday to keep everyone up to date as to what each day brings for us. God Bless You ALL, and thanks again.

JEN

bookmiser

((((((Jen)))))))



My 25 yo son is the addict in my life.
You seem like such a nice person. Your husband sounds like a great guy too.
Addiction changes people and lives. Sending prayers that what your husband is going through with his pain, will one day be controlled with something other than illegal drugs.
My son is not active in his addiction right now, but he's never worked a recovery program, either. Which, as his mother, I worry about him and just wait for the other shoe to drop, sometimes. I'm better now than I've been in the past as far as my own addiction and recovery. My addiction to him and my recovery from codependency.
Being here, I believe, will help you immensely. Gettting feedback and support for you is what you need to focus on.
Getting past the lies, hurt, and pain from before will take time.
As long as he's smoking weed, I think there's gonna be a problem.
Around here, when our loved one tells us what we want to hear, yet does just the opposite of that, we call that quacking.
Addicts who want to be left alone to use actively, quack. Alot.
Try backing off and not asking too many questions about what's going on with him.
Focus on you for a while.
His actions will speak louder than his words.
Sending heartfelt prayers and support out to you tonight.
Keep comin' back.
A new sr buddy,

LearningHusband

Boy are you right where I was several years ago. I would suggest that you read the notes at the top to learn about addiction, about the lies, about covering up etc. etc. You may love him, but you will love him to death if you keep making excuses for his using. I did the same thing with my ex-wife. I always believed that she had back pain and believed when she needed to get extra pills online etc. etc.

I had to make a decision, however, about what I was willing to put up with and what I was exposing our child to. Even though your kids are 13 and 16 you are putting them in an awful situation which is not of their own making. Using "just weed" is illegal and the fact that you condone it will be noticed by them. What do you think they will learn from that - that you're being compassionate about your husband? or that you willingly put them in harms way by condoning this man's behavior and not looking out for your kids first.

I don't mean to be harsh, but even as teenagers, these kids rely on their parent to do what's right...I don't think it's too much to expect.

LH

Afraid 2 let go

I wanted to write an update on my situation. When my husband came in from work on Sunday he didn't make the money that I "thought" he should have for the job he did. His boss who I "thought" was my friend and was trying to help me by telling me his pay, hours, etc has quit talking to me and says he has alot going on in his own life, with his business, etc and doesn't want to get involved in our marriage anymore. I have NO WAY now to know when he's lying to me concerning pay, hours, etc. My friends who know the situation and that I've told about this job, feel that my husband is telling me the truth about the pay and that I'm just so scared that I won't accept it. It just seems strange to me that his boss won't talk to me anymore, and it hurts to know that I've lost the only way I had to KNOW the truth!!

Meanwhile, yesterday I had a doctors appointment. I cried all the way there, the whole time I was there and for awhile afterwards. I even had 2 nurses crying and my doctor teared up!! I told my doctor and 1 nurse (b/c they asked why I was so upset), my whole story!! The nurse was a real sweetie, and told me she was going through the EXACT same thing with her husband, and that PRAYER is the answer. She was so sympathetic, said she would pray for me and asked me to do the same for her. I was so much at wits end that I asked my doctor to commit me!! He wouldn't do that, but said I do need counseling, b/c I'm on the edge of a nervous breakdown, and he gave me meds to help me cope and start putting MY LIFE back together. I've started the meds and plan to call about the counseling in just a little while. Part of my story that I left out is the fact that today was a year ago that I lost my Grandma.....MY BEST FRIEND. She was 98, had a heart attack and the next day a stroke, lived for 3 months afterwards before God called her home. When I was a baby I did my bonding with her (my Mom was in the T.B hospital from my birth until I was over a year old), I lived with her most of my life, and lived next door to her for years right before she left. I have cried EVERYDAY for a year now. At 1:15 this morning I was up lighting a candle for her (time she left). I didn't sleep AT ALL last night. Sunday I ate a few fries, yesterday a piece of cheese just to keep from passing out on my way to the doctor. This morning a few crackers, b/c I feel so sick. My husband and I had ANOTHER long talk last night. He keeps "trying" to assure me that he's being honest, he loves me and the kids, he's NOT going back to hard drugs, he wants to see me take my meds and get my counseling, b/c it hurts him so bad to see me the way I've been for awhile now, and that he wants our marriage to work. I tried to explain to him that he doesn't realize that what he did LAST YEAR that he has let go of, is harder for me and the family to just let go of, that it's affecting us for alot longer than it did him. He says that he knows his parents love him, but they're not sitting around everyday letting the mistake he made consume them and rule their life like I am. He also told me that if he is hurting me "THIS MUCH" then he will leave. I don't want him to leave!! I just want to KNOW that I can trust him again. I want to KNOW that my fears are not warranted, that I can somehow get past this and be happy again. I want to have hope. And for the record, he finally told me yesterday (when I asked again) that he "has been" an addict before, BUT he knows when to let it go and leave it alone. HIS WORDS. My opinion now days.....the pain is an excuse for using.....HE IS AN ADDICT!! I have faced that, now if only I could get him to.

I am SO sorry this is so long. Just alot to say and until I can get to my counseling this seems like the best place to vent. Thank God for my insurance b/c you can probably tell when I make it to counseling I'll be there for hours!! PLEASE keep us in your prayers. I'm taking it ONE DAY AT A TIME from now on. Thank you for all your replies and God bless you all!!