Afraid 2 let go

Just wanted to add that I just hung up the phone with him (he's @ work on lunch break). I told him that I have realized that I cannot control HIM, I cannot change HIM, BUT I CAN change ME, and through my meds and counseling I WILL!! He said "That's what we need. Once you actually do this, you will see a new man.....the one you fell in love with almost 2 years ago. It will help US drastically". I said "Whether it helps US or hurts US, this is what I HAVE to do FOR ME and my kids!! I told him that only HE can control and change himself. Now I'm giving the whole thing over to God, as it is too much for me to handle. I decided yesterday/last night that from now on I will do what's best for ME and my kids!!

Again, thanks for caring and sharing,
JEN

helpme2helphim

i don't know if he would agree to it or not, but the only thing that i could think of would be counseling. obviously he's in A LOT of pain and there seems to be nothing to do about it. however, drugs are not the answer.

do some research. there are a ton of different couple's counseling programs all over the country. and hopefully some good will come of whatever you decide to do.

god bless you and your husband.
and good luck.

valerie.

Afraid 2 let go

So far so good with my "One Day At A Time" theory. Last night he was going outside to "smoke", and when he came in I asked him something about it. He said "Is this how I'm going to have to live??". I replied "Is THIS a way to live?? Do you LIKE living this way??". He said nothing. I guess that was my way of giving him something to think about. We didn't argue the whole night, so that was a good thing. That's my update for right now.

Afraid 2 let go

By the way, HELP thank you for your reply. I actually talked to him the other night about marriage counseling.....he told me he doesn't "believe" in it, that he feels if a couple can't work out their own problems(b/c they know each other best), then they don't need to be together. I explained to him that he's welcome to his opinion, but that these counselors are trained people with a degree in what they do, and they are there for couples like us who have TRIED hard to work out their problems on their own, love each other very much and don't want to give up.....like us. He said "O.kay, we'll talk about seeing a marriage counselor". Sooooo, I guess we'll see where that goes. Atleast he's not as dead set against it anymore. Besides, I'm going to get MY counseling, which I feel will help us ALOT. Thank you again for your reply, and good luck to you.

JEN

helpme2helphim

that's great. even if you have to do it alone, you still should. when i first started going to counseling, i was scared to death. i've been going for seven months now and actually look forward to going every week. i hope it all goes good for the both of you. and i'm glad i could help.

valerie.

Afraid 2 let go

Yea, we haven't talked about the counseling anymore, but hopefully the time will be right to bring it up again soon. He left me a note this morning that he needs some pain medication (pills). I'm going to give him a choice when he calls me from work here in a little while.....pain pills (legal) or weed (illegal), but making it clear it's NOT going to be BOTH!! Last night went pretty good, atleast no arguments. Night before last we argued over the weed, b/c I can't stand to see him high, it hurts me. So last night he waited until he was about to go to bed to go out and smoke, then laid down and I didn't have to look at him that way, so that was better. I'm still taking my meds, but haven't gotton my counseling set up yet. I'm working on it though. Anyway, good luck to everyone. God Bless!! Hope you all have a great weekend.

JEN

DoingWell

I hope I don't offend you but are'nt you exhausted? I'm having flashbacks just reading this:

Don't get me wrong, I've been there and done that.. IT is absolutely EMOTIONALLY exhausting trying to predict and anticipate the addicts next move.

I remember the begging, the pleading, the many times I would ask "Don't you see what you are doing to our kids?", "Don't you love us enough.."
All of this really is a lot of wasted energy and so emotionally draining. I'm not saying to give up hope but try to read what you have posted and let others share their experiences with you so that you can make healthy choices for yourself and your kids.

LearningHusband

Legal drugs, illegal drugs - doesn't matter. Addiction is addiction and trying to control it like you are is fruitless. And making the threats to leave if the drug tests come back positive (pots ok first, then it's not --that's just insane). If you're going to set boundaries, set ones that you can say calmly and carry out. You don't set boundaries to change HIS behavior, rather they're set to give you some peace - no matter what he does.

And, again, I implore you to think about what this craziness is doing to your kids. It sounds like you are spending so much time focusing on this addict (who's not your kids' dad) that you have precious-little time for them (think how they must feel). Despite what you may think, teenagers need you (sometimes more than little kids do since teenagers are prone to get into alot more trouble and need your full attention.

Just my perspective.

LH

hope213

welcome to s.r. i am glad you are here & getting the support you need.it may not be what you want to hear but we have all gone thru this with someone we love in our life. he is doing the drug because he can & he will only stop when he gets ready. u both are in my prayers.

Afraid 2 let go

Been awhile since I have been on here, so thought I would do a sort of update. My hubby has been using the prescription pain meds the last couple weeks and left the weed alone!! We're not arguing like we were anymore either. As far as my kids.....they're just fine. They love him and he and I BOTH spend lots of quality time with them. They're both Beta Club students, both play in the school band, and we are BOTH there to support them in everything they do. They're GREAT kids!! We have FAMILY night atleast 2 nights a week, where we watch movies, play a board game, or just sit and talk. I realize my husband may have a problem, but families who love each other and support each other as we do.....stick together!! This is what our goal is, to stick together, love each other, support each other and make it no matter what it takes. My new meds are doing really well for me. I don't ask alot of questions anymore that will start fights, I try to be more understanding, we TALK now instead of yell, and all the while I'm still keeping my eyes open to the situation and LIVE ONE DAY AT A TIME. I think that's best all the way around. My husband is HONESTLY trying VERY HARD, and I have to give him credit for that.....until he gives me reason not to. Hopefully, our lives have turned around for the better. I wish the best for everyone, and appreciate all the advice you've given me. This site has helped me more that I could have ever imagined it would. God bless you all, and thanks again so much!!

JEN