Cant hold this in anymore
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: BIRMINGHAM, AL
Posts: 872
Cant hold this in anymore
Okay, guys something I have been feeling for awhile, but I have not said anything about it. I keep pushing the thought to the back of my mind and trying to block it out. It might sound childish. It might sound stupid, but I have to say it to somebody and I know I can tell you without being judged.
You all know my husband is my addict and his DOC is pain pills. Well, we have been together since 1996 and married since 1999. We had our little boy in 2003. He will be four in November. Well, you know what? When our little boy turned 1 was about when I found out there was something wrong with my AH and learned about addiction and realized what it was doing to us. I thought then and have ever since that I would never have another child with him. I didn't want to bring another child into the madness and chaos. I didnt want to have to struggle to support another child on my own practically, cause AH hardly brings home a paycheck every week. I did not want anything else to keep me tied to AH.
But in the past 6 months or so I think my clock has started ticking. Right now at this very minute I cant dream of having another child with my AH. But I dream of having another child. Just not with my AH. Or maybe with a clean AH. I suddenly find myself wanting ever so badly to have a baby. My son has started in the past 6 months becoming more interested in siblings. I assume cause he is getting older and smarter and he realizes that most of his schoolmates have brothers and sisters. When he started mentioning it, I started to wonder if I am doing him an injustice by not giving him siblings. Then I thought well, it will be best for him to be an only child. I can focus on him and him alone. Then I would go back and forth between the two thoughts. Then I thought either way, I want another child. I want to have another baby. In my dreams. In my reality I know I cant. I know it cant happen right now. My husband is too deep into his addiction. He says he wants another baby and has been hounding me for 2 years at least. I always just said flat out NO. Well recently he has been saying more about it and I said if he gave me one year clean with the behavior of a clean person I might think about it. But of course we all knew that wouldnt work.
I realize that one of my many resentments towards my AH is the fact that I feel like I cant bring another child into our lives because of him and his crappy addiction. I think I might even feel hatred towards him because of it. I also feel like I am being selfish in even thinking about wanting another child when I cant even have the courage to take my beautiful wonderful son that I already have out of our current situation.
I am sorry this is so long, but I need to get it out. Please tell me I am not completely crazy for the feelings I am having. I mean, how messed up am I?
You all know my husband is my addict and his DOC is pain pills. Well, we have been together since 1996 and married since 1999. We had our little boy in 2003. He will be four in November. Well, you know what? When our little boy turned 1 was about when I found out there was something wrong with my AH and learned about addiction and realized what it was doing to us. I thought then and have ever since that I would never have another child with him. I didn't want to bring another child into the madness and chaos. I didnt want to have to struggle to support another child on my own practically, cause AH hardly brings home a paycheck every week. I did not want anything else to keep me tied to AH.
But in the past 6 months or so I think my clock has started ticking. Right now at this very minute I cant dream of having another child with my AH. But I dream of having another child. Just not with my AH. Or maybe with a clean AH. I suddenly find myself wanting ever so badly to have a baby. My son has started in the past 6 months becoming more interested in siblings. I assume cause he is getting older and smarter and he realizes that most of his schoolmates have brothers and sisters. When he started mentioning it, I started to wonder if I am doing him an injustice by not giving him siblings. Then I thought well, it will be best for him to be an only child. I can focus on him and him alone. Then I would go back and forth between the two thoughts. Then I thought either way, I want another child. I want to have another baby. In my dreams. In my reality I know I cant. I know it cant happen right now. My husband is too deep into his addiction. He says he wants another baby and has been hounding me for 2 years at least. I always just said flat out NO. Well recently he has been saying more about it and I said if he gave me one year clean with the behavior of a clean person I might think about it. But of course we all knew that wouldnt work.
I realize that one of my many resentments towards my AH is the fact that I feel like I cant bring another child into our lives because of him and his crappy addiction. I think I might even feel hatred towards him because of it. I also feel like I am being selfish in even thinking about wanting another child when I cant even have the courage to take my beautiful wonderful son that I already have out of our current situation.
I am sorry this is so long, but I need to get it out. Please tell me I am not completely crazy for the feelings I am having. I mean, how messed up am I?
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
I get it. I started late having my kids, and after Mr. Big had a vasectomy, I was devastated. I wanted more... very, very badly. I didn't care that our marriage was on the rocks (we ended up getting divorced less than a year later). I didn't care that he was being a mean SOB. All I cared about was having another baby... and I wanted one of the same "flavor" as my others... so I wanted HIM to be the dad.
God intervened, I think. Even though Mr. B and I reconciled three years later. Even though he had TWO vasectomy reversals... I never got pregnant.
When both my kids developed addiction, and my pain nearly took me off the planet, only THEN could I imagine that another addicted child might have been... one too many.
I tell you that to say this... Pray about it. Pray to be in God's will. Then let go and see what happens...
((((hugs)))))
God intervened, I think. Even though Mr. B and I reconciled three years later. Even though he had TWO vasectomy reversals... I never got pregnant.
When both my kids developed addiction, and my pain nearly took me off the planet, only THEN could I imagine that another addicted child might have been... one too many.
I tell you that to say this... Pray about it. Pray to be in God's will. Then let go and see what happens...
((((hugs)))))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: BIRMINGHAM, AL
Posts: 872
Thanks Sis. I just wonder if God sees it fit for me to have another child do tyou think that will happen even though I am on the pill? Just kidding. Thank you for getting it. I will pray.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
(((wendylost)))
In lots of your recent posts you have mentioned that you're terribly unhappy right now.
Is it possible that these strong feelings are just an effort on your soul's part to find that happiness you're lacking? Are they encouraging you to leave, to find a situation where your children will never (hopefully) again have to deal with addicts? Or are they telling you that a baby is the magic answer to your current pain and sadness?
I guess what I'm asking is...what is the feeling that you get when you think about having another child? Who's in the picture with you and the two little ones? Anybody? AH? AH magically forever clean? What feeling will having a baby bring you that you AREN'T getting enough of right now? (safe? loved? needed?) I know about ticking clocks...mine is at 11:59:59
but I also know that a baby isn't going to be the answer to my deepest desires right now. Is it really the answer to yours?
Even if you can't ethically have a child right now, these are good things to explore a little, imho. And when you CAN have a child -- because AH has been clean for a couple of years, because you've moved on and found someone who loves you more than life itself, or for whatever reason --- what a great thing that will be. You sound like a wonderful mom.
Hugs,
GL
In lots of your recent posts you have mentioned that you're terribly unhappy right now.
Is it possible that these strong feelings are just an effort on your soul's part to find that happiness you're lacking? Are they encouraging you to leave, to find a situation where your children will never (hopefully) again have to deal with addicts? Or are they telling you that a baby is the magic answer to your current pain and sadness?
I guess what I'm asking is...what is the feeling that you get when you think about having another child? Who's in the picture with you and the two little ones? Anybody? AH? AH magically forever clean? What feeling will having a baby bring you that you AREN'T getting enough of right now? (safe? loved? needed?) I know about ticking clocks...mine is at 11:59:59
but I also know that a baby isn't going to be the answer to my deepest desires right now. Is it really the answer to yours?Even if you can't ethically have a child right now, these are good things to explore a little, imho. And when you CAN have a child -- because AH has been clean for a couple of years, because you've moved on and found someone who loves you more than life itself, or for whatever reason --- what a great thing that will be. You sound like a wonderful mom.
Hugs,
GL
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: BIRMINGHAM, AL
Posts: 872
GL, at first I thought maybe that was why I was feeling the way I was. I thought maybe I was trying to fill some kind of void or something. But after feeling this way for about 6 months now, and really thinking about it alot, I dont think my want for another baby has anything to do with my AH. It is true, I am pretty miserable in my marriage right now. I know that having another child will not fix it or even make anything different. I think if anything it would make our relationship worse. I often daydream of me raising my son that I have now alone. Half the time I feel like I am doing it on my own now anyway. I guess right now I feel like I could get pregnant, and then if my AH said he was leaving I think I would celebrate that I was going to have another child and would have that joy without having to deal with AH bullcrap. I could raise my children in a happy peaceful home. We may struggle but I could make it happy for them. I know how crazy this must sound. I am hoping it is just hormones and soon it will pass. BUt right now its hard not to resent AH cause it sure would be nice to just be impulsive and get pregnant and know that everything would be fine and dandy, but I know it wouldnt be, so.... I guess it goes along with asking myself the question of where do I want to be 1 or 5 years from now. Do I still want to be longing for another child and not having it because of AH? I guess I have some serious thinking to do, huh? Thanks for the response.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
more hugs to you, wendy.
There are a lot of people out there who would just say "hell with it" and get pregnant, and not even think about what the child's life is going to be a year or five years or ten years from now. My folks were like that.
It sounds like your heart and mind are SO in the right place...I'm so sorry it's painful for you right now. I wish I could take that pain away from you so you could be in the right place to make a choice and have what your heart desires.
Sending good thoughts and hope your way
GL
p.s. I love your signature line. I use it all the time
There are a lot of people out there who would just say "hell with it" and get pregnant, and not even think about what the child's life is going to be a year or five years or ten years from now. My folks were like that.
It sounds like your heart and mind are SO in the right place...I'm so sorry it's painful for you right now. I wish I could take that pain away from you so you could be in the right place to make a choice and have what your heart desires.
Sending good thoughts and hope your way
GL
p.s. I love your signature line. I use it all the time
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: BIRMINGHAM, AL
Posts: 872
Thanks GL. I know what I want, but I know right now is not the time. It does huhrt though. Just the same as everything else that goes along with addiction. It sucks. Thanks. ((((GL))))
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
Wendy,
I went thru this a LOT when married to my ex. We had 5 kids between us - he brought 3 to the marriage and I brought 2.
Everytime I got that incredible urge to have a baby? I got a kitten or a puppy, and I spent time with other friends, offering to babysit so they could go out and enjoy a night as a couple while I got a baby fix.
MY HP was working overtime. In retrospect, it's a really REALLY good thing that I didnt' have children with my ex.
Just my 2 cents.
Cats
I went thru this a LOT when married to my ex. We had 5 kids between us - he brought 3 to the marriage and I brought 2.
Everytime I got that incredible urge to have a baby? I got a kitten or a puppy, and I spent time with other friends, offering to babysit so they could go out and enjoy a night as a couple while I got a baby fix.
MY HP was working overtime. In retrospect, it's a really REALLY good thing that I didnt' have children with my ex.
Just my 2 cents.
Cats
Get Caught Reading
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Not in the boonies, thank God
Posts: 1,410
(((((Wendy)))))
I understand. I divorced my exah when my kids were 8 and 3. When I met my 2nd husband, we were together about 3 years, got married, and I became pregnant.
It was a tubal pregnancy. I had no idea I was even pregnant.
I almost died. We weren't trying. My husband didn't want children. He thought my 2 were plenty. lol
Anyway, I guess I never really mourned that loss until, all of a sudden, out of the blue, one day, I thought about what it would be like to have a baby again.
We're codies, Wendy. We need someone to need us.
Well, the thought lasted about 2 seconds, because it dawned on me, "my kids are 13 and 18. I'm gonna be done with this soon and will be able to travel, or go back to school, or focus on a new career."
Fast forward....
I've never gotten done. Their almost 26 and 21 and they will not leave me alone. lol
I talk to both of them daily, and when we do talk, I talk to them just like I did when they were 5 and 10 years old. Like their helpless and hopeless.
My babies have never grown up, cause I've never let'em. lol
You have my support on whatever you decide to do, sweetie. If you want another baby, have another baby. Remember though, you may have to raise your kids one day...alone. Some would say that that's a bad idea. Others might say, screw it. Ya only live once. Go for it.
I say, do what your head and your heart tell you to do.
I support whatever you decide to do.
It's good to talk about it and get feedback from friends, coworkers, and family.
Your in my thoughts and prayers and I love ya.
Linda
I understand. I divorced my exah when my kids were 8 and 3. When I met my 2nd husband, we were together about 3 years, got married, and I became pregnant.
It was a tubal pregnancy. I had no idea I was even pregnant.
I almost died. We weren't trying. My husband didn't want children. He thought my 2 were plenty. lol
Anyway, I guess I never really mourned that loss until, all of a sudden, out of the blue, one day, I thought about what it would be like to have a baby again.
We're codies, Wendy. We need someone to need us.
Well, the thought lasted about 2 seconds, because it dawned on me, "my kids are 13 and 18. I'm gonna be done with this soon and will be able to travel, or go back to school, or focus on a new career."
Fast forward....
I've never gotten done. Their almost 26 and 21 and they will not leave me alone. lol
I talk to both of them daily, and when we do talk, I talk to them just like I did when they were 5 and 10 years old. Like their helpless and hopeless.
My babies have never grown up, cause I've never let'em. lol
You have my support on whatever you decide to do, sweetie. If you want another baby, have another baby. Remember though, you may have to raise your kids one day...alone. Some would say that that's a bad idea. Others might say, screw it. Ya only live once. Go for it.
I say, do what your head and your heart tell you to do.
I support whatever you decide to do.
It's good to talk about it and get feedback from friends, coworkers, and family.
Your in my thoughts and prayers and I love ya.
Linda
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Calif
Posts: 1,007
Hi Wendy
I know how you must feel because I am always saying I wish I had a chance to start all over with a new baby.
I don't think you're doing your child an injustice by not having a sibling for him. In fact, I think your wise in your decision not to have another child while in the present situation. It would just be one more little person to protect and worry about.
I cannot tell you what's right or wrong, but I know your little guy will be just fine even if he doesn't have a brother or sister right now.
Hugs, Devastated
I don't think you're doing your child an injustice by not having a sibling for him. In fact, I think your wise in your decision not to have another child while in the present situation. It would just be one more little person to protect and worry about.
I cannot tell you what's right or wrong, but I know your little guy will be just fine even if he doesn't have a brother or sister right now.
Hugs, Devastated
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
I can't say any more than whats; been said. BigSis has a powerful response.
I do know that I wanted many children and to live in a big house...with the white picket fence.
When I realized after two children and a divorce, that I would be raising them both alone, I had my tubes tied. I was getting older and it was the only thing I could do at the time to save myself from total abject poverty.
As BigSis said, both of mine have huge problems too.
I don't know what to say except I hope your ah gets into recovery.
I do know that I wanted many children and to live in a big house...with the white picket fence.
When I realized after two children and a divorce, that I would be raising them both alone, I had my tubes tied. I was getting older and it was the only thing I could do at the time to save myself from total abject poverty.
As BigSis said, both of mine have huge problems too.
I don't know what to say except I hope your ah gets into recovery.
Living in the light
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Sweet Home Serenity
Posts: 706
((( Wendy ))) You are wise to see having another baby at this time is not an option.
Geez Wendy I'm wishing and hoping AH would just go too! LOL
The song is running through my mind...Hit the road Jack and don't you come back no more no more no more LOL
The daydream you mentioned of raising your son alone may perhaps be your reality one day.
As I read this thread I'm thinking I hate addiction. I hate how you and others here
have been so deeply pained and affected by addicted loved ones.
I like Cat's idea about getting a puppy or kitten. They're fun and alot less work and concern than babies. hehe Bet your little guy would
enjoy one too.
I'm sorry your life is painful now and so glad you are posting and sharing your thoughts and feelings. We really care. Your beautiful boy has a terrific Mom.
Geez Wendy I'm wishing and hoping AH would just go too! LOL
The song is running through my mind...Hit the road Jack and don't you come back no more no more no more LOL
The daydream you mentioned of raising your son alone may perhaps be your reality one day.
As I read this thread I'm thinking I hate addiction. I hate how you and others here
have been so deeply pained and affected by addicted loved ones.
I like Cat's idea about getting a puppy or kitten. They're fun and alot less work and concern than babies. hehe Bet your little guy would
enjoy one too.
I'm sorry your life is painful now and so glad you are posting and sharing your thoughts and feelings. We really care. Your beautiful boy has a terrific Mom.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: GO PENS
Posts: 1,151
(((Wendy)))
I think sometimes we have to watch what we wish for. I think sometimes we have to take a step back and really think about the reasons why we want to have another baby. Is it for ourselves or do we really want to bring another life to this world. I have to admit when I wanted to get pregnant for the third time it was about me. I had 2 sons and I wanted a little girl so bad. I thought if I had a little girl my life would be complete. Now I am a lot older and wiser. So, when my sons were 10 and 13 I had my little girl. Much too much of a space between them.
Yes, I was elated at the time. Was my life complete? I don't think so. I still had the same problems as before, only now I had another baby to take care of. Did she make me happy? She sure did for a lot of years. When she turned 21 she became an addict. I have been living in hell for 6 yrs. In spite of all of the pain it brought I wouldn't trade her for the world. I love her with all of my heart.....she is my baby.
She has been the hardest of all of my children. I have truly worked hard for this little girl.
My blessings are on you that you make the descision that is right for you.
I think sometimes we have to watch what we wish for. I think sometimes we have to take a step back and really think about the reasons why we want to have another baby. Is it for ourselves or do we really want to bring another life to this world. I have to admit when I wanted to get pregnant for the third time it was about me. I had 2 sons and I wanted a little girl so bad. I thought if I had a little girl my life would be complete. Now I am a lot older and wiser. So, when my sons were 10 and 13 I had my little girl. Much too much of a space between them.
Yes, I was elated at the time. Was my life complete? I don't think so. I still had the same problems as before, only now I had another baby to take care of. Did she make me happy? She sure did for a lot of years. When she turned 21 she became an addict. I have been living in hell for 6 yrs. In spite of all of the pain it brought I wouldn't trade her for the world. I love her with all of my heart.....she is my baby.
She has been the hardest of all of my children. I have truly worked hard for this little girl.
My blessings are on you that you make the descision that is right for you.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
