Abandoning Dreams.. Seeing Reality
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Abandoning Dreams.. Seeing Reality
I used to have two dreams for my life. One was that I would someday meet a man who would love me and who would be my soul mate and a partner. Instead, I met an alcoholic and a drug addict and they sucked 26 years out of my life.
I have abandoned this dream. I do not believe that there is someone out there for me and, after the other two lying useless users, I probably would not let the person in my life anyway if he DID come along. I have too few years left of life to waste any more of them.. and my belief in a loving relationship is totally gone. There is certainly love in this world but not that kind of love for me or in my life.
IOW there are no Princes and most men are not charming. Fairyland is idiotic and forget the castle unless you build it yourself. I can waste no more of my precious life hoping for a love that does not exist, has never existed and never will exist. Done and done. I am sad but so it goes.
The other dream I have had is to own a farm or ranch. I got it once but due to paragraph one and the results of one of the losers, I had to leave. And now that is gone.
I have always believed anything is possible if you work hard enough or plan well enough. However, that is not true. You do reach an age where you need to realize some things may never be unless you suddenly have an influx of money.
I have run the figures. I have looked at the income. I have looked at my income and my future income. I have calculated my retirment income (11.5 years away). I have worked this every which way from Sunday and you know.. I am going to have to abandon this dream too. It ain't going to happen.
For the last 7 years I have felt all I have done is "interim" and someday I would have land and stock and a farm again.. even if it was scaled down. NOT going to happen in time. IOW I know what it is to do this and the physical demands and I know where I am on that too... by the time I can do it, it is likely to be hell and gone too late because, like it or not, my body is aging.
Quite honestly, giving up on relationships is a whole lot easier than giving up this dream. I had figured this before (but I was figuring farming full time which I am not figuring now) and I realized it ain't gonna happen. I tried to find something else to replace farming.. several things really.. For the last 7 years I have tried different things from going back to school.. doing photography.. learning engineering.. learning surveying.. Not minor endeavors but really challenging stuff (at least for me) and nothing comes close to capturing me the way farming did. They pale in comparison. I do them and I learn them and then I become bored. I was never bored farming.
While I am OK where I am in the sense of what we "ought" to want I am very dissatisfied with my life. I know my choices, especially in relationships, have put me here.. and I know I ought to be grateful for a good job and career and all the rest. I try but quite honestly it all feels like so much tripe.
I have about 3 dogs worth of life left and today it looks like a bleak and frozen landscape stretching to the horizon.
I have figured out that it is unlikely I will have either of the dreams that have sustained me thus far. I admit I am having a hard time accepting this and try as I might there are no dreams to replace them.
I have abandoned this dream. I do not believe that there is someone out there for me and, after the other two lying useless users, I probably would not let the person in my life anyway if he DID come along. I have too few years left of life to waste any more of them.. and my belief in a loving relationship is totally gone. There is certainly love in this world but not that kind of love for me or in my life.
IOW there are no Princes and most men are not charming. Fairyland is idiotic and forget the castle unless you build it yourself. I can waste no more of my precious life hoping for a love that does not exist, has never existed and never will exist. Done and done. I am sad but so it goes.
The other dream I have had is to own a farm or ranch. I got it once but due to paragraph one and the results of one of the losers, I had to leave. And now that is gone.
I have always believed anything is possible if you work hard enough or plan well enough. However, that is not true. You do reach an age where you need to realize some things may never be unless you suddenly have an influx of money.
I have run the figures. I have looked at the income. I have looked at my income and my future income. I have calculated my retirment income (11.5 years away). I have worked this every which way from Sunday and you know.. I am going to have to abandon this dream too. It ain't going to happen.
For the last 7 years I have felt all I have done is "interim" and someday I would have land and stock and a farm again.. even if it was scaled down. NOT going to happen in time. IOW I know what it is to do this and the physical demands and I know where I am on that too... by the time I can do it, it is likely to be hell and gone too late because, like it or not, my body is aging.
Quite honestly, giving up on relationships is a whole lot easier than giving up this dream. I had figured this before (but I was figuring farming full time which I am not figuring now) and I realized it ain't gonna happen. I tried to find something else to replace farming.. several things really.. For the last 7 years I have tried different things from going back to school.. doing photography.. learning engineering.. learning surveying.. Not minor endeavors but really challenging stuff (at least for me) and nothing comes close to capturing me the way farming did. They pale in comparison. I do them and I learn them and then I become bored. I was never bored farming.
While I am OK where I am in the sense of what we "ought" to want I am very dissatisfied with my life. I know my choices, especially in relationships, have put me here.. and I know I ought to be grateful for a good job and career and all the rest. I try but quite honestly it all feels like so much tripe.
I have about 3 dogs worth of life left and today it looks like a bleak and frozen landscape stretching to the horizon.
I have figured out that it is unlikely I will have either of the dreams that have sustained me thus far. I admit I am having a hard time accepting this and try as I might there are no dreams to replace them.
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Join Date: Mar 2006
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(((((Elana)))))
I'm sorry you are in a dark day and sure hope that it only lasts a day. I'm glad you are sharing it here; i hope that helps.
I understand where you are coming from and can relate to grieving lost dreams. I know I am not you, not living your life, but I still have great hope and optimism that one or more of your dreams will come true. You have such determination and spirit and such an incredibly good heart.
The one thing that my HP constantly reminds me of by throwing new things into my life is that my way, my plan and my thoughts on how to go about it aren't necessarily how it plays out. Sometimes it is a dream that doesn't happen but is in time replaced by something even better...sometimes I get what it is I was hoping for, but not at all in the way I "thought" it would happen.
There is something I have been struggling with for a long time and is a problem I still struggle with in my recovery. I keep wrestling with what to do...I keep surrendering it and waiting for that quiet inner voice to guide me. So far, the resolution hasn't occurred...at least not my way. But my HP keeps sending me little things...circumstances and events that help me to deal with this big problem in little ways just for today. Now that I can see that, I am not so impatient for the "big fix." I suspect my HP is preparing me little by little for what I need to address this big issue.
Sending hugs and prayers. I hope you can find comfort in knowing that just for today it may seem bleak...but HP has something in store for tomorrow.
I'm sorry you are in a dark day and sure hope that it only lasts a day. I'm glad you are sharing it here; i hope that helps.
I understand where you are coming from and can relate to grieving lost dreams. I know I am not you, not living your life, but I still have great hope and optimism that one or more of your dreams will come true. You have such determination and spirit and such an incredibly good heart.
The one thing that my HP constantly reminds me of by throwing new things into my life is that my way, my plan and my thoughts on how to go about it aren't necessarily how it plays out. Sometimes it is a dream that doesn't happen but is in time replaced by something even better...sometimes I get what it is I was hoping for, but not at all in the way I "thought" it would happen.
There is something I have been struggling with for a long time and is a problem I still struggle with in my recovery. I keep wrestling with what to do...I keep surrendering it and waiting for that quiet inner voice to guide me. So far, the resolution hasn't occurred...at least not my way. But my HP keeps sending me little things...circumstances and events that help me to deal with this big problem in little ways just for today. Now that I can see that, I am not so impatient for the "big fix." I suspect my HP is preparing me little by little for what I need to address this big issue.
Sending hugs and prayers. I hope you can find comfort in knowing that just for today it may seem bleak...but HP has something in store for tomorrow.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: NY
Posts: 204
Sometimes our dreams and hopes don't work out exactly the way we hoped, but they can be achieved, how is sometimes hidden from us and revealed later.
You love to farm, maybe you will not own a farm or a ranch but maybe you will work on a farm or ranch, ask yourself if you love DOING It and does "OWNING" it really affirm your love for it? I had dreams of becoming a lawyer since I was 10, due to money, getting married, and life, the dream dwindled, however my sister's fiance passed the Bar a few years ago and is now in private practice with 2 other attorney's and he says he wishes he had stayed a paralegal as they got all the fun. After doing a lot of research and talking with other lawyers and paralegals I came to learn that I could achieve my dream.. or rather a modified one. I dont' have the finances to go full time so I am taking part time classes every other semester, it will take me longer but I plan to get my paralegal by the end of 2009. I don't think I settled, I think I just re-arranged my dreams to be a little more realistic.
We all dream of the guy who will walk in and wisk us away from our dreary lives (Officer and a Gentlemen)
and it's perfectly ok to want that. Of course men like that are not lined up at the door but that doesn't mean when you least expect it, someone special will walk into your life. As my xhb's favorite saying goes "Hard telling, not knowing"
Not one single person on this universe has a road map to life. remember that. We are all walking without road signs and many bumps along the way.
Make your mind up to choose and be happy right now, worry about tomorrow when it gets here.
You love to farm, maybe you will not own a farm or a ranch but maybe you will work on a farm or ranch, ask yourself if you love DOING It and does "OWNING" it really affirm your love for it? I had dreams of becoming a lawyer since I was 10, due to money, getting married, and life, the dream dwindled, however my sister's fiance passed the Bar a few years ago and is now in private practice with 2 other attorney's and he says he wishes he had stayed a paralegal as they got all the fun. After doing a lot of research and talking with other lawyers and paralegals I came to learn that I could achieve my dream.. or rather a modified one. I dont' have the finances to go full time so I am taking part time classes every other semester, it will take me longer but I plan to get my paralegal by the end of 2009. I don't think I settled, I think I just re-arranged my dreams to be a little more realistic.
We all dream of the guy who will walk in and wisk us away from our dreary lives (Officer and a Gentlemen)
and it's perfectly ok to want that. Of course men like that are not lined up at the door but that doesn't mean when you least expect it, someone special will walk into your life. As my xhb's favorite saying goes "Hard telling, not knowing"
Not one single person on this universe has a road map to life. remember that. We are all walking without road signs and many bumps along the way.
Make your mind up to choose and be happy right now, worry about tomorrow when it gets here.
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Join Date: Nov 2003
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I have been waiting for 8 years for a way to be shown. I have tired to fill the space with positive things that are good for me (well, XABF was not but some of it was very much so). Right now it is learning positive reinforcement dog training which is interesting.. but it would be so much more interesting if I was using it to train to herd livestock on my farm.
I have waited for all this time trying to fill the hole left by the loss of being a farmer and I keep putting things in that hole but they vanish and the space is still there.
I am to a point where I realize that space is just going to be there and nothing else will ever fill it. I am sure you understand.. we all have spaces that cannot ever be filled again... but we do fill them with enough to go on and live.. and maybe not even notice after awhile.
I suppose the flaw is mine in this. I shoud be able to find fullfillment elsewhere and I cannot.. and I say that not without having really tried.
After Steve left I dreamt about Steve but time put Steve away in the memory box and it is almost a year since he left.. and almost 6 months since we last had contact. He is gone like dust and today I do not care that he is gone. He gets no more of my tears and has not in months and months now.
I now dream about farming every night. I try to think my HP has a plan but it seems there is none and if anything is going to happen in my life it is up to me alone to make it happen. I know I cannot and it has been too long to think that my HP is going to help me on this one.
I suppose that my life has become like everyone else's.. just a day to day plod that eventually become weeks and then years. My Mom says that is what most ppeople do.. just get from this day to the next and that is how you live. Sounds like the land of the living dead to me after the dynamic I have been a part of.. a farm is a microcosm of life itself.
After this I look at most people's lives and cannot imagine never having been a farmer.. never having chased cows in the pitch dark on a horse or never having brought precious twin heifer calves into the world.. never having the smell of fresh straw in the sun in a box stall with baby calves sleeping there.. never experiencing the cycle of life and being a prt of it.. not merely a spectator of the end result in the supermarket. I cannot imaging living the lives most people do because I have tried and I am doing so now and after th3e other this is existing, not living.
"Is that all there is? Is that all there is? If thats all there is my friends then just keep dancing... "
I have waited for all this time trying to fill the hole left by the loss of being a farmer and I keep putting things in that hole but they vanish and the space is still there.
I am to a point where I realize that space is just going to be there and nothing else will ever fill it. I am sure you understand.. we all have spaces that cannot ever be filled again... but we do fill them with enough to go on and live.. and maybe not even notice after awhile.
I suppose the flaw is mine in this. I shoud be able to find fullfillment elsewhere and I cannot.. and I say that not without having really tried.
After Steve left I dreamt about Steve but time put Steve away in the memory box and it is almost a year since he left.. and almost 6 months since we last had contact. He is gone like dust and today I do not care that he is gone. He gets no more of my tears and has not in months and months now.
I now dream about farming every night. I try to think my HP has a plan but it seems there is none and if anything is going to happen in my life it is up to me alone to make it happen. I know I cannot and it has been too long to think that my HP is going to help me on this one.
I suppose that my life has become like everyone else's.. just a day to day plod that eventually become weeks and then years. My Mom says that is what most ppeople do.. just get from this day to the next and that is how you live. Sounds like the land of the living dead to me after the dynamic I have been a part of.. a farm is a microcosm of life itself.
After this I look at most people's lives and cannot imagine never having been a farmer.. never having chased cows in the pitch dark on a horse or never having brought precious twin heifer calves into the world.. never having the smell of fresh straw in the sun in a box stall with baby calves sleeping there.. never experiencing the cycle of life and being a prt of it.. not merely a spectator of the end result in the supermarket. I cannot imaging living the lives most people do because I have tried and I am doing so now and after th3e other this is existing, not living.
"Is that all there is? Is that all there is? If thats all there is my friends then just keep dancing... "
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We all dream of the guy who will walk in and wisk us away from our dreary lives...Of course men like that are not lined up at the door
Just thought maybe a little diversion into fantasy land might help
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Hi Doingwell and thanks.
Owning the farm is the key. I could have worked as a farm manager any number of times after the cows were sold. I was offered jobs. I looked at jobs. I am a very good farmer and I really understand this business. I am always suprised how many full time farmers do not.. and you can SEE ways to improve their bottom line and they say, "Well, this is how we do it. We never did THAT before..." and so I have been dismissed.
I have analyzed this and I do agree.. Most people are as happay as they decide to be. I was always happy because Iknew I could someday find a way to make this happen.
I have done all the numbers.. and anyone who tells you it isn't the money is dead wrong. It is the money. It is ALWAYS the money in this business.. and it is a business.
It ain't gonna happen. Might as well face it and quit fooling myself and quit this idiotic fairy tale. There is NO magic wand. There is NO fairy Godmother. There is NO Tinkerbell.
All you have is your two hands to do the work and your head to figure it out. Sometimes the figures don't add up and your hands are tied.
Best to face it than to believe a lie (dream) you tell yourself.
Owning the farm is the key. I could have worked as a farm manager any number of times after the cows were sold. I was offered jobs. I looked at jobs. I am a very good farmer and I really understand this business. I am always suprised how many full time farmers do not.. and you can SEE ways to improve their bottom line and they say, "Well, this is how we do it. We never did THAT before..." and so I have been dismissed.
I have analyzed this and I do agree.. Most people are as happay as they decide to be. I was always happy because Iknew I could someday find a way to make this happen.
I have done all the numbers.. and anyone who tells you it isn't the money is dead wrong. It is the money. It is ALWAYS the money in this business.. and it is a business.
It ain't gonna happen. Might as well face it and quit fooling myself and quit this idiotic fairy tale. There is NO magic wand. There is NO fairy Godmother. There is NO Tinkerbell.
All you have is your two hands to do the work and your head to figure it out. Sometimes the figures don't add up and your hands are tied.
Best to face it than to believe a lie (dream) you tell yourself.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: MI
Posts: 132
I hate to be the be the one agreeing with you but from a younger perspective...I'd have to agree. Becoming a realist has gotten me through times better than having these dreamy expectations that everything will happen if I just work hard enough. I too at only 28 have no dream of meeting an honest guy...my generation seems to have even more problems than my parents, everywhere I turn they are wasted at the bar, have a sense of entitlement, will lie to get what they want and are popping pills to get through life. Everything, technology wise has the world moving so fast, instant gratification is a must. And I have no idea how I was blessed with integrity but I feel like a minority -- and i can barely relate to anyone.
So really I am just looking to myself....how to keep myself happy on a daily basis, b/c really one day is all I can handle right now.
I was told go to school, work hard, be good to people...you'll achieve your dreams. Sorry it's just not true, it doesn't happy for everyone. It just doesn't.
But the lady at work did just say yesterday...(she's work here for 37 yrs and hates it) "I've finally learned that the money and the achievement was worth nothing...I wish I was doing something I enjoyed"
So - just do things you enjoy everyday...and if something bigger doesn't come your way. At least you were happy with you and spent time enjoying things that made you feel good.
So really I am just looking to myself....how to keep myself happy on a daily basis, b/c really one day is all I can handle right now.
I was told go to school, work hard, be good to people...you'll achieve your dreams. Sorry it's just not true, it doesn't happy for everyone. It just doesn't.
But the lady at work did just say yesterday...(she's work here for 37 yrs and hates it) "I've finally learned that the money and the achievement was worth nothing...I wish I was doing something I enjoyed"
So - just do things you enjoy everyday...and if something bigger doesn't come your way. At least you were happy with you and spent time enjoying things that made you feel good.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
Elana, what a beautiful name by the way! You express yourself very well.
I have no words to share with you right now, other than I hear what you are saying. You are giving me something to think about that has been locked in the back of my own mind for quite some time.
Thoughts and phrases are circling the airport of my mind right now. When they come in for a landing (as in begin to make sense) I will share them with you.
Like Arnold says "I'll be back" either on this post or via PM to you!
I have no words to share with you right now, other than I hear what you are saying. You are giving me something to think about that has been locked in the back of my own mind for quite some time.
Thoughts and phrases are circling the airport of my mind right now. When they come in for a landing (as in begin to make sense) I will share them with you.
Like Arnold says "I'll be back" either on this post or via PM to you!
Living in the light
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Sweet Home Serenity
Posts: 706
Facing the loss of dreams and hopes brings grief. Elena, is it possible you are
in the emptiness phase of grieving, feeling the cold winds blowing through your life and heart? Hang on Elana. You are not alone. You have many tomorrows to live and tomorrow's gifts have not yet been revealed.
Hugs
in the emptiness phase of grieving, feeling the cold winds blowing through your life and heart? Hang on Elana. You are not alone. You have many tomorrows to live and tomorrow's gifts have not yet been revealed.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 388
Elana,
Hugs to you...
It is sad when we start believing that are dreams are no longer optainable...
My heart goes out to you and to all the others that have been forced out of their dreams, often into nightmares....
Just a footnote, I am attending a wedding this weekend of a girlfriend. She met her new soon to be mate in
re-hab...... Now just wait, let me finish, they met in Heart Attack rehab... they both had heart attacks last year.... It is such a great story.
I believe that they both had "broken hearts".
Colleen
Hugs to you...
It is sad when we start believing that are dreams are no longer optainable...
My heart goes out to you and to all the others that have been forced out of their dreams, often into nightmares....
Just a footnote, I am attending a wedding this weekend of a girlfriend. She met her new soon to be mate in
re-hab...... Now just wait, let me finish, they met in Heart Attack rehab... they both had heart attacks last year.... It is such a great story.
I believe that they both had "broken hearts".
Colleen
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Elana,
Okay, sorry to be the pragmatic one, but I see you suffering and it feels wrong to me.
There are roughly a thousand ways to be or to accomplish anything. If you are "running the numbers" based on:
--a farm that's geographically near where you are now,
--a full-time standard diary farm that has no special marketing niche,
--insisting on a certain pension or a retirement dollar amount remaining in the bank,
--keeping your current job to save money for it,
--NOT setting up any side businesses, passive income sources, e-tailing, consulting, or any other extra-money-making heroic efforts to create your nest egg....then, yes, for sure, give up your dream.
Just know that it's a CHOICE to give it up. The universe has not passed judgment on you. You've analyzed everything and decided that you would prefer not to take the risks and make the choices it will absolutely take to have what you want. And don't get me wrong -- they are some seriously frightening choices, and I don't blame you a bit.
I love you like crazy but I'm 100% convinced that there is ALWAYS a way to have the dreams you're dreaming (as long as it's not "I want him/her to be like this..."; we can't control other peoples' stuff) Maybe your dream just has to take a different shape, color, size, flavor.
Turn off your analytical mind for a little while and get a copy of Barbara Sher's book "Wishcraft". Even though it's dated, it has a thousand ideas for reaching so-called impossible dreams. Postpone giving up until you've allowed yourself to dream a little more. And then postpone it some more.
Dreaming -- crafting a life so it's as close as we possibly can get, tiny step by tiny step, to the one you want & need -- dreaming IS reality. Without dreams we are empty husks walking around the planet.
Hugs,
GL
Okay, sorry to be the pragmatic one, but I see you suffering and it feels wrong to me.
There are roughly a thousand ways to be or to accomplish anything. If you are "running the numbers" based on:
--a farm that's geographically near where you are now,
--a full-time standard diary farm that has no special marketing niche,
--insisting on a certain pension or a retirement dollar amount remaining in the bank,
--keeping your current job to save money for it,
--NOT setting up any side businesses, passive income sources, e-tailing, consulting, or any other extra-money-making heroic efforts to create your nest egg....then, yes, for sure, give up your dream.
Just know that it's a CHOICE to give it up. The universe has not passed judgment on you. You've analyzed everything and decided that you would prefer not to take the risks and make the choices it will absolutely take to have what you want. And don't get me wrong -- they are some seriously frightening choices, and I don't blame you a bit.
I love you like crazy but I'm 100% convinced that there is ALWAYS a way to have the dreams you're dreaming (as long as it's not "I want him/her to be like this..."; we can't control other peoples' stuff) Maybe your dream just has to take a different shape, color, size, flavor.
Turn off your analytical mind for a little while and get a copy of Barbara Sher's book "Wishcraft". Even though it's dated, it has a thousand ideas for reaching so-called impossible dreams. Postpone giving up until you've allowed yourself to dream a little more. And then postpone it some more.
Dreaming -- crafting a life so it's as close as we possibly can get, tiny step by tiny step, to the one you want & need -- dreaming IS reality. Without dreams we are empty husks walking around the planet.
Hugs,
GL
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
Sometimes we have a lot fewer choices than someone might think.
I have learned some lessons in this life. Quitting my current job is not a choice. This will be the job I retire from. I quit a job this good years back thinking I could just do this or that.. and it has taken me a long time to get back to this level. This job is not for savings BTW, it is so I can live and have a roof. The job is secure and has a pension. At 52 I cannot easily find other employment at this level.
The job keeps me here geographically.
Full time farming (especially dairy) is not a choice as it requires two people. I will not ever again share my life or my farm or my real estate property with another person. Eventually they wil get bored or tired or sick and I will lose it all again. Not going to happen. Once burned the stoves fault. Twice burned, your own fault.
I am not insisting at a level of money in a retirement account. Not much in there anyway.
I have no idea on a side business. I have looked at side jobs and most will pay me enough to line the tax man's pockets and the rest will pay for wear and tear on the car and gas to get to and from the job.
I AM frustrated by all of this and I am depressed by it. Oh well. So it goes. Money does not grow on trees and starting a farming operation requires money. There is not enough. I have thought of the little steps thing but I gotta tell ya.. there are few little steps in farming.
I am in a bad low place today. I have to remember it really does not matter. I got myself to here. My choices and my decisions and my consequences.
Dreams are highly over rated.
I have learned some lessons in this life. Quitting my current job is not a choice. This will be the job I retire from. I quit a job this good years back thinking I could just do this or that.. and it has taken me a long time to get back to this level. This job is not for savings BTW, it is so I can live and have a roof. The job is secure and has a pension. At 52 I cannot easily find other employment at this level.
The job keeps me here geographically.
Full time farming (especially dairy) is not a choice as it requires two people. I will not ever again share my life or my farm or my real estate property with another person. Eventually they wil get bored or tired or sick and I will lose it all again. Not going to happen. Once burned the stoves fault. Twice burned, your own fault.
I am not insisting at a level of money in a retirement account. Not much in there anyway.
I have no idea on a side business. I have looked at side jobs and most will pay me enough to line the tax man's pockets and the rest will pay for wear and tear on the car and gas to get to and from the job.
I AM frustrated by all of this and I am depressed by it. Oh well. So it goes. Money does not grow on trees and starting a farming operation requires money. There is not enough. I have thought of the little steps thing but I gotta tell ya.. there are few little steps in farming.
I am in a bad low place today. I have to remember it really does not matter. I got myself to here. My choices and my decisions and my consequences.
Dreams are highly over rated.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: on the lake
Posts: 335
As Abraham Lincoln said , by the way he was pretty smart, quote"'And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years.' Abraham Lincoln
My AS is only 20 and he laments on the failures in his life not realizing that he has so many years to correct his life. He's thinking of things like not graduating, going to the prom, not going to college like his brother. Things that don't really matter to anybody but him, and only to him at the present. I think it would be hard to imagine him looking up in twenty years still lamenting over such petty things. He thinks I have all these high expectaions, truth is I used to, but now I told him about another great quote I read the other day quote " If you can do something you love and it pays the rent, you are a success. " Tom Petty To me its not so much as where we are, it's where we think we are. We all have regrets, but tommorrow is another day. PT Barnum didn't start his circus until he was 61. I don't beleive you don't want another relationship, you just don't right now. I also don't believe youve given up on your farm, you just have today, one last quote that one of the ladies on this forum uses that I love is The only difference between a good day and a bad day is about two days. Hang in there
My AS is only 20 and he laments on the failures in his life not realizing that he has so many years to correct his life. He's thinking of things like not graduating, going to the prom, not going to college like his brother. Things that don't really matter to anybody but him, and only to him at the present. I think it would be hard to imagine him looking up in twenty years still lamenting over such petty things. He thinks I have all these high expectaions, truth is I used to, but now I told him about another great quote I read the other day quote " If you can do something you love and it pays the rent, you are a success. " Tom Petty To me its not so much as where we are, it's where we think we are. We all have regrets, but tommorrow is another day. PT Barnum didn't start his circus until he was 61. I don't beleive you don't want another relationship, you just don't right now. I also don't believe youve given up on your farm, you just have today, one last quote that one of the ladies on this forum uses that I love is The only difference between a good day and a bad day is about two days. Hang in there
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Good Grief!! Someone hand me my bunny slippers...the ones with the steel toes *said with love*
Elana, come sit with me a moment, I'm older than you, hell, I'm older than dirt, and I want to tell you something about dreams...
We get to give up on our dreams when we find a crystal ball that will tell us exactly what tomorrow will bring. Till then, we hang on to them, make a few adjustments to suit our timing and we keep dreaming.
You love horses and farming...well, maybe start with one horse and riding as a hobby. You may meet someone who is interested in co-op'ing a farm with several owners, each with a separate responsibility to contribute. Or a business partner, or maybe something small that might be manageable.
And you may meet the man of your dreams...if you hang on to your dream and just live your life well until he shows up. Because as you are living your life well, you are learning to live life well without a man...and that's always when one appears, donchaknow?
We aren't meant to sacrifice our lives for our dreams, that's not how it works. Just keep your eye on the direction you'd like to head and keep heading there one day at a time.
Life is for living and having fun while we do it. Sure, we all have to work and pay the bills but we can find something we enjoy there too.
I love the old saying..."If you can't change your circumstance, change your attitude".
And another from a plate on my mother's kitchen wall..."You've got to have a dream before it can come true."
Dream on girl, grab a star and make a wish and dream.
Bunny Hugs
Elana, come sit with me a moment, I'm older than you, hell, I'm older than dirt, and I want to tell you something about dreams...
We get to give up on our dreams when we find a crystal ball that will tell us exactly what tomorrow will bring. Till then, we hang on to them, make a few adjustments to suit our timing and we keep dreaming.
You love horses and farming...well, maybe start with one horse and riding as a hobby. You may meet someone who is interested in co-op'ing a farm with several owners, each with a separate responsibility to contribute. Or a business partner, or maybe something small that might be manageable.
And you may meet the man of your dreams...if you hang on to your dream and just live your life well until he shows up. Because as you are living your life well, you are learning to live life well without a man...and that's always when one appears, donchaknow?
We aren't meant to sacrifice our lives for our dreams, that's not how it works. Just keep your eye on the direction you'd like to head and keep heading there one day at a time.
Life is for living and having fun while we do it. Sure, we all have to work and pay the bills but we can find something we enjoy there too.
I love the old saying..."If you can't change your circumstance, change your attitude".
And another from a plate on my mother's kitchen wall..."You've got to have a dream before it can come true."
Dream on girl, grab a star and make a wish and dream.
Bunny Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 388
Ann,
Gosh ...... you are sooo wise, would you be my Mom.... We could get matching bunny slippers (steel toes) sit on the couch and eat HO-HO's or maybe Ding-Dongs.... and watch TV.....
Honestly, your wisdom shines through ......
BTW... I am 50 years old..... so you would have to be my wiser "older sister" .
You could be the smart one, I'll be the cute one...... LOL
Colleen
Gosh ...... you are sooo wise, would you be my Mom.... We could get matching bunny slippers (steel toes) sit on the couch and eat HO-HO's or maybe Ding-Dongs.... and watch TV.....
Honestly, your wisdom shines through ......
BTW... I am 50 years old..... so you would have to be my wiser "older sister" .
You could be the smart one, I'll be the cute one...... LOL
Colleen
Bridge CLOSED
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
ah Lake.. there is so much I would do but you do not go blasting ahead without Health Insurance. At least not in the good old USA. W/O it I can tell you this, if you get hurt .. and hurt bad enough to have to be hospitalized but you are going to make a full recovery in time, in the US w/o health insurance they will TAKE THE FARM.
My XAH got very ill. Not his fault at all. He developed a spinal abscess and was in the hospital for 3 months total. It took time but he recovered 100%. W/O my health insurance they would have placed a lien on the farm and it would ahve had to have been sold. It would ahve all been lost to pay the doctors and the Hospital. We could have kept our house with a "life Estate" so even that would ahve been sold in the end.
After losing my farm once I will NEVER and I repeat this.. NEVER SET MYSELF UP TO LOSE ONE AGAIN. No partners. No business partners. No coops. I know what I need and what I want. It is that or it is time to quit the dream.
So, yeah. I could go off 1/2 cocked and 1/2 @$$ed and could go on fine.. and a horse could fall on me or a ladder break or a cow hurt me and that is ALL it would take.
THIS SINGLE THING.. HEALTH INSURANCE.. HAS STOPPED ME IN MY TRACKS FROM MANY MANY THINGS.
and.. if I could afford a horse and board and all the rest of that I would have done it.
Ann, you are right. We need dreams. However, if you can never, and again I repeat, NEVER have that dream and the not having is making you miserable, it is time to forget it.
as to men and relationships? I DO NOT EVER WANT ANOTHER MAN IN MY LIFE. Ever. I lost too much of my life over men. NEVER AGAIN. This is not "for now." Or because I am not ready. I will NEVER be ready because I never want to be. I won't allow it.
The finest man could walk into my life tomorrow and I would walk away. I want no more of the compromises and stress of a relationship. I want no more of the work of a relationship. I want to never again let someone get that close to me. Done is truly done. My heart is closed to this. Love like that is all a lie. It has always been a lie. From my Father to my husband to my XABF and two others.. it is all lies. I am no longer looking and wanting and waiting. I am DONE.
Yes it makes me sad to BE done. I am sad. I am also angry. I am angry over the loss of my life time. I am angry at me for every having cared a darn about any of these men. I am sad and still grieving the loss of my farm. I will never have it back and the money is not there to recoop it all.
I know that. I knew it in 2001 and 2002 and 2003 and finally I gave up on it. Then I forged ahead and saw things and realized how very sad I was inside and how much I missed it and so I figured out a very very scaled back plan and that isn't going to happen either. Two things have happened since 2003. First I got a better job have found a way to make more money. Second thing is prices inceased enough to nullify the more money.
I tried to figure every which way from Sunday how to have some land and have a horse.. not even a farm.. just a single horse.. back in 2003 and I couldn't make that work $$ wise. Now it is 2007.. what a dope I am to think ANYTHING has changed because it hasn't.
I run the numbers and the bottom line is negative. I can tell you I am no accountant but folks, even I know that a negative cash flow is not a workable thing.
I have gone over this so many times.. for so many years. It isn't going to happen. Now I have to come to terms with that turn my back on it and walk away and come up with some way to accept it.
My XAH got very ill. Not his fault at all. He developed a spinal abscess and was in the hospital for 3 months total. It took time but he recovered 100%. W/O my health insurance they would have placed a lien on the farm and it would ahve had to have been sold. It would ahve all been lost to pay the doctors and the Hospital. We could have kept our house with a "life Estate" so even that would ahve been sold in the end.
After losing my farm once I will NEVER and I repeat this.. NEVER SET MYSELF UP TO LOSE ONE AGAIN. No partners. No business partners. No coops. I know what I need and what I want. It is that or it is time to quit the dream.
So, yeah. I could go off 1/2 cocked and 1/2 @$$ed and could go on fine.. and a horse could fall on me or a ladder break or a cow hurt me and that is ALL it would take.
THIS SINGLE THING.. HEALTH INSURANCE.. HAS STOPPED ME IN MY TRACKS FROM MANY MANY THINGS.
and.. if I could afford a horse and board and all the rest of that I would have done it.
Ann, you are right. We need dreams. However, if you can never, and again I repeat, NEVER have that dream and the not having is making you miserable, it is time to forget it.
as to men and relationships? I DO NOT EVER WANT ANOTHER MAN IN MY LIFE. Ever. I lost too much of my life over men. NEVER AGAIN. This is not "for now." Or because I am not ready. I will NEVER be ready because I never want to be. I won't allow it.
The finest man could walk into my life tomorrow and I would walk away. I want no more of the compromises and stress of a relationship. I want no more of the work of a relationship. I want to never again let someone get that close to me. Done is truly done. My heart is closed to this. Love like that is all a lie. It has always been a lie. From my Father to my husband to my XABF and two others.. it is all lies. I am no longer looking and wanting and waiting. I am DONE.
Yes it makes me sad to BE done. I am sad. I am also angry. I am angry over the loss of my life time. I am angry at me for every having cared a darn about any of these men. I am sad and still grieving the loss of my farm. I will never have it back and the money is not there to recoop it all.
I know that. I knew it in 2001 and 2002 and 2003 and finally I gave up on it. Then I forged ahead and saw things and realized how very sad I was inside and how much I missed it and so I figured out a very very scaled back plan and that isn't going to happen either. Two things have happened since 2003. First I got a better job have found a way to make more money. Second thing is prices inceased enough to nullify the more money.
I tried to figure every which way from Sunday how to have some land and have a horse.. not even a farm.. just a single horse.. back in 2003 and I couldn't make that work $$ wise. Now it is 2007.. what a dope I am to think ANYTHING has changed because it hasn't.
I run the numbers and the bottom line is negative. I can tell you I am no accountant but folks, even I know that a negative cash flow is not a workable thing.
I have gone over this so many times.. for so many years. It isn't going to happen. Now I have to come to terms with that turn my back on it and walk away and come up with some way to accept it.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
And...
With what will you replace it?
You cannot leave a vacuum in your soul. The weight of that empty space, that lack of dreams, will crush you.
What will you start walking toward instead?
Or is all dreaming out of the question now? I hope not.
With what will you replace it?
You cannot leave a vacuum in your soul. The weight of that empty space, that lack of dreams, will crush you.
What will you start walking toward instead?
Or is all dreaming out of the question now? I hope not.
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