Abandoning Dreams.. Seeing Reality
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
You have no idea GL how much I respect your words and Ann's words. I really do.
I think, for now, I will replace this with existance. It is what most people do. Simply live from this day to the next and many find it enough.
I have so tried to replace these dreams with other dreams and other pursuits and other dreams and so I pursue and attempt to dream and try to make it all work and feel good but it doesn't. I am to the point of knowing that this is one thing that can not be replaced and it is as gone as those 26 years wasted on loser guys!
OK. so it is done and gone. Now what? maybe just face the struggle each month of paying the bills. Deal with little victories.. a dog training class here and there or a movie once in awhile.. and just get by. Live today. Live each day. I am thinking if I can do that eventually I will either find something new or I will run out of days (we all do!).
The average life span in the US is 78 years. That is 28,470 days. I have just under 10,000 left to make the average.
and that is life.
I think, for now, I will replace this with existance. It is what most people do. Simply live from this day to the next and many find it enough.
I have so tried to replace these dreams with other dreams and other pursuits and other dreams and so I pursue and attempt to dream and try to make it all work and feel good but it doesn't. I am to the point of knowing that this is one thing that can not be replaced and it is as gone as those 26 years wasted on loser guys!
OK. so it is done and gone. Now what? maybe just face the struggle each month of paying the bills. Deal with little victories.. a dog training class here and there or a movie once in awhile.. and just get by. Live today. Live each day. I am thinking if I can do that eventually I will either find something new or I will run out of days (we all do!).
The average life span in the US is 78 years. That is 28,470 days. I have just under 10,000 left to make the average.
and that is life.
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
...I dreamed a dream, and now that dream is gone from me...
Something Morphius said in the Matrix movie. The words stuck with me since the moment he uttered them.
I have had so many dreams. I would be filled with joy in looking forward to the day I transitioned these dreams into reality.
Only a very few ever saw reality.
Recently, as you know Elana, my biggest dream, to own a home of my own was crushed to sand as I battle my credit report. All this thanks to my ex who put me on all his cards as an authorized user, then didn't pay his bills. None of these cards are mine and I am responsible with money, how could this happen to me?
Now, I have a new dream. To be free from him forever. So, with this dream, comes the joy and excitement in the day I can wake up one morning and say, "My credit is CLEAN!" I thought about how sad to have a dream like this, but, I have no other choice. I must keep dreaming. Sometimes, I just have to change the dream.
If I can dream a small dream, then I am still willing to look forward to the future. God help me when the day comes that I have absolutely nothing to look forward to.
Elana, you're such a smart, bright, strong woman. I so appreciate all your encouragement to me in the past. Don't give up on dreaming. Dream for what you can reach for!
Maybe there is a smaller farm that you might find that you could afford! If it makes money, then you can buy insurance. Rent out part of the land. I don't know how farming works, I am only a basil farmer, LOL. (I have one pot of basil on my porch) but, I bet I could sell the stuff!
Keep your chin up Elana. Good things will come to you
Something Morphius said in the Matrix movie. The words stuck with me since the moment he uttered them.
I have had so many dreams. I would be filled with joy in looking forward to the day I transitioned these dreams into reality.
Only a very few ever saw reality.
Recently, as you know Elana, my biggest dream, to own a home of my own was crushed to sand as I battle my credit report. All this thanks to my ex who put me on all his cards as an authorized user, then didn't pay his bills. None of these cards are mine and I am responsible with money, how could this happen to me?
Now, I have a new dream. To be free from him forever. So, with this dream, comes the joy and excitement in the day I can wake up one morning and say, "My credit is CLEAN!" I thought about how sad to have a dream like this, but, I have no other choice. I must keep dreaming. Sometimes, I just have to change the dream.
If I can dream a small dream, then I am still willing to look forward to the future. God help me when the day comes that I have absolutely nothing to look forward to.
Elana, you're such a smart, bright, strong woman. I so appreciate all your encouragement to me in the past. Don't give up on dreaming. Dream for what you can reach for!
Maybe there is a smaller farm that you might find that you could afford! If it makes money, then you can buy insurance. Rent out part of the land. I don't know how farming works, I am only a basil farmer, LOL. (I have one pot of basil on my porch) but, I bet I could sell the stuff!
Keep your chin up Elana. Good things will come to you
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Perhaps a break from dreaming of bigger things, then, Elana.
Keep your ears tuned for possibilities, though. Don't shove them away angrily. That's not necessary to protect yourself from hurt.
Case in point: I have many acquaintances who have dreams that they can't find a way to finance. Several of them have become part-time consultants for whatever it is they're good at (digital photography, home organization, animal training, etc.) in addition to their regular job, charging $50.00-100.00/hour just to help people learn what THEY know already. My husband, the ultimate technophobe, has taken a little workshop at the community college and started buying & selling things on eBay, which brings an additional $500.00/month into his savings account...for an hour or two in the evenings. I put a couple of links on my web site (which costs me $7.95/month to run, btw) and whenever people click those links and buy what's behind them -- something that SOMEONE ELSE is selling, not me -- I make $50.00.
There is always a way. Even if you don't do it to raise money for a dream, it keeps you busy moving the energy & wisdom around, sharing it with other people. And even if it doesn't end up enough to maintain a BIG dream, it moves you closer to having those aspects of the dream that are most important. That's why I liked "Wishcraft" -- it dissects the dream into the pieces that you want the most (the smell of the cows, the big piece of land to roam, the feeling of freedom) and maybe some you don't want (the uncertainty of the market, the stress of illnesses, the insurance) and helps you pack your life with the parts that you want, minimizing the downside.
That's what I meant by the dream changing, rather than chasing it out of your life with flaming torches.
Anyway, I realize that you don't want to hear anything positive from us any more, but I just wanted to explain what I meant. I'm no pollyanna...I know how hard it is.
Sending you big hugs and maybe the seed of a new dream, to plant in your garden.
GL
Keep your ears tuned for possibilities, though. Don't shove them away angrily. That's not necessary to protect yourself from hurt.
Case in point: I have many acquaintances who have dreams that they can't find a way to finance. Several of them have become part-time consultants for whatever it is they're good at (digital photography, home organization, animal training, etc.) in addition to their regular job, charging $50.00-100.00/hour just to help people learn what THEY know already. My husband, the ultimate technophobe, has taken a little workshop at the community college and started buying & selling things on eBay, which brings an additional $500.00/month into his savings account...for an hour or two in the evenings. I put a couple of links on my web site (which costs me $7.95/month to run, btw) and whenever people click those links and buy what's behind them -- something that SOMEONE ELSE is selling, not me -- I make $50.00.
There is always a way. Even if you don't do it to raise money for a dream, it keeps you busy moving the energy & wisdom around, sharing it with other people. And even if it doesn't end up enough to maintain a BIG dream, it moves you closer to having those aspects of the dream that are most important. That's why I liked "Wishcraft" -- it dissects the dream into the pieces that you want the most (the smell of the cows, the big piece of land to roam, the feeling of freedom) and maybe some you don't want (the uncertainty of the market, the stress of illnesses, the insurance) and helps you pack your life with the parts that you want, minimizing the downside.
That's what I meant by the dream changing, rather than chasing it out of your life with flaming torches.
Anyway, I realize that you don't want to hear anything positive from us any more, but I just wanted to explain what I meant. I'm no pollyanna...I know how hard it is.
Sending you big hugs and maybe the seed of a new dream, to plant in your garden.
GL
Living in the light
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Sweet Home Serenity
Posts: 706
Elena, just stopping in to say good morning my friend. And if it's not so good a morning for you know I feel much compassion for you and am praying for you my friend.
Love and hugs,
Moi
P.S. I posted a new thread this morning OT about the wildlife center making the news. I know how much you love all animals and invite you to click on the link I posted to see a video that may make you smile.
Love and hugs,
Moi
P.S. I posted a new thread this morning OT about the wildlife center making the news. I know how much you love all animals and invite you to click on the link I posted to see a video that may make you smile.
Rest peacefully Sonny Boy
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Florida, Tennessee
Posts: 840
((Elana))
First of all great big Hugs. Second of all more great big hugs. Third of all, I'm about to head north to kick some serious butt, Ann, I need to borrow those bunny slippers.
Don't you dare give up on your dreams Elana. You're not a quitter. Sure, you've been kicked in the teeth and the stomach, but just like every good farmer, you get up, you dust yourself off and you plow ahead.
Your farm can happen. Your farm WILL happen, but only if you don't give up.
I don't know your money situation, but it doesn't even matter, if you set your head to it, you can do anything. There are solutions to every one of the obstacles that you have set forth. Yes, it requires more sacrafices, but you can do it.
Save every penny you can save, eat no name food, spend money on things that are only bare minimum "have to have can't live without". Set your mind to the fact that you ARE going to do this. Then do some more research. I know you don't want to relocate, but if it meant obtaining that dream, leave that option open. When the time comes, you will have to leave that job anyway, so expand your options. There are states that protect your homestead up to 250 acres. Nothing that happens from medical to whatever can touch it. There are programs that are offered by the government for farming, add the programs for a woman owned business to that and you get all kinds of backing.
In the mean time, while you save every dime you can, keep your eyes and ears open in several states. Watch forclosure properties, government sales and distress auctions. Get online and google the things you are looking for. Type in farm, 20 acres, owner financing...anything you need, you may be suprised at what you find. There are ways to get what you want without paying an arm and a leg for it. Check out timberland properties where they have raped the landscape of trees. Most people don't want the property so the price is much lower, for you though, the trees being gone would be a blessing. A dozer and seed could produce wonders. Find the land first. Do everything that you can yourself. Shop, shop, shop for the things you need. Govdeals has all kind of equipment cheap. Use day labor services, contact local churches and find out if someone needs some extra work. That helps you and them. Once you can get the land, find a cheap motor home (I can get a nice one for $1500 right now today) pull it on the land to stay in until you can afford something else.
Oh, you've got me worked up. I could go on and on and on, but I'm going to stop now. You CAN have your dream. It's not going to come wrapped up in a pretty bow, you have to get mad, and determined and every time those negative thoughts enter your mind, you have to slap them away and say I'll be damned if you take away my dreams. Watch me.
You have it inside of you Elana, grab hold of it, don't let those previous buttwipes take your dreams from you.
Lastly, all said with love and more great big hugs.
B
First of all great big Hugs. Second of all more great big hugs. Third of all, I'm about to head north to kick some serious butt, Ann, I need to borrow those bunny slippers.
Don't you dare give up on your dreams Elana. You're not a quitter. Sure, you've been kicked in the teeth and the stomach, but just like every good farmer, you get up, you dust yourself off and you plow ahead.
Your farm can happen. Your farm WILL happen, but only if you don't give up.
I don't know your money situation, but it doesn't even matter, if you set your head to it, you can do anything. There are solutions to every one of the obstacles that you have set forth. Yes, it requires more sacrafices, but you can do it.
Save every penny you can save, eat no name food, spend money on things that are only bare minimum "have to have can't live without". Set your mind to the fact that you ARE going to do this. Then do some more research. I know you don't want to relocate, but if it meant obtaining that dream, leave that option open. When the time comes, you will have to leave that job anyway, so expand your options. There are states that protect your homestead up to 250 acres. Nothing that happens from medical to whatever can touch it. There are programs that are offered by the government for farming, add the programs for a woman owned business to that and you get all kinds of backing.
In the mean time, while you save every dime you can, keep your eyes and ears open in several states. Watch forclosure properties, government sales and distress auctions. Get online and google the things you are looking for. Type in farm, 20 acres, owner financing...anything you need, you may be suprised at what you find. There are ways to get what you want without paying an arm and a leg for it. Check out timberland properties where they have raped the landscape of trees. Most people don't want the property so the price is much lower, for you though, the trees being gone would be a blessing. A dozer and seed could produce wonders. Find the land first. Do everything that you can yourself. Shop, shop, shop for the things you need. Govdeals has all kind of equipment cheap. Use day labor services, contact local churches and find out if someone needs some extra work. That helps you and them. Once you can get the land, find a cheap motor home (I can get a nice one for $1500 right now today) pull it on the land to stay in until you can afford something else.
Oh, you've got me worked up. I could go on and on and on, but I'm going to stop now. You CAN have your dream. It's not going to come wrapped up in a pretty bow, you have to get mad, and determined and every time those negative thoughts enter your mind, you have to slap them away and say I'll be damned if you take away my dreams. Watch me.
You have it inside of you Elana, grab hold of it, don't let those previous buttwipes take your dreams from you.
Lastly, all said with love and more great big hugs.
B
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Calif
Posts: 1,007
Elana
Come on Girl, that post is too sad! It makes me think you don't even believe in Santa Claus. Hope I'm wrong about that!
Life is good! My Mom would say, "Now count your blessings!"
Hugs, Devastated
Life is good! My Mom would say, "Now count your blessings!"
Hugs, Devastated
remember to breathe
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: philadelphia pa
Posts: 1,280
one of my life long dreams was to work with animals (not counting my kids) when I was small I was going to be a vetrenarian, when I got older and the kids came and marriages blah blah blah I was going to be content just working at a pet store or the animal shelter. Well now I am going to start on october 3rd working at the philadelphia zoo as a docent(volunteer teacher) yep volunteering. Now mind you I have no money, I don't work any longer other than with a caterer from time to time. (I have a great husband who pays the bills) my dream is coming true, I will be around the animals and with any luck while I'm volunteering a paying job might surface there.
Don't stop your dream, they're important to who we are.
good luck and happy dreams
Don't stop your dream, they're important to who we are.
good luck and happy dreams
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
The difference between a really bad day and a better one is bout 24 hours.
Today my attitude is much better. I was in a bad place yesterday and have been since all the ceremonies surrounding the 9/11 attacks. I was only about 60 miles north of NYC and Manhatten when all that went down. At the same time a bunch of things happened in my personal life totally unrelated to 9/11. From there to yesterday it seemed my llife was taking on a macabre darkness all its own.
Sometimes I get completely beaten down and overwhelmed by what I am struggling to do right now that i look for a light anywhere and all I see is black darkness. It happens rarely but it was sure happening when I made my original post.
I get so I just want everything to STOP for a bit.. and the anger seeps in there and honestly, I am all completey done. I am so down on me at that point there is no up.
So, I come here just to say it to somone.. anyone.. and I argue and gripe and have a little fit..
and it passes. After the storm there are usually some changes in me and I see things differently and head off on a new tack. Sometimes I just sit still for awhile too.
Thank you all so much for bearing with me. Thank you GL for not only your support but IDEAS. I go on horse forums and read and it drives me insane.. there is so much misinformation out there.. ancient BAD information (I am sure you see it with Dogs and other things). I get so frustrated trying to turn people from practices that are often counter productive or even cruel. I wonder if my knowledge of horses and management could become a consulting business... or my farm knowledge could become something similar. I don't know. At least you have headed me on to an IDEA.
thanks to everyone else for bearing with me.. and most of all for caring. That is priceless and why I keep coming back.
Today my attitude is much better. I was in a bad place yesterday and have been since all the ceremonies surrounding the 9/11 attacks. I was only about 60 miles north of NYC and Manhatten when all that went down. At the same time a bunch of things happened in my personal life totally unrelated to 9/11. From there to yesterday it seemed my llife was taking on a macabre darkness all its own.
Sometimes I get completely beaten down and overwhelmed by what I am struggling to do right now that i look for a light anywhere and all I see is black darkness. It happens rarely but it was sure happening when I made my original post.
I get so I just want everything to STOP for a bit.. and the anger seeps in there and honestly, I am all completey done. I am so down on me at that point there is no up.
So, I come here just to say it to somone.. anyone.. and I argue and gripe and have a little fit..
and it passes. After the storm there are usually some changes in me and I see things differently and head off on a new tack. Sometimes I just sit still for awhile too.
Thank you all so much for bearing with me. Thank you GL for not only your support but IDEAS. I go on horse forums and read and it drives me insane.. there is so much misinformation out there.. ancient BAD information (I am sure you see it with Dogs and other things). I get so frustrated trying to turn people from practices that are often counter productive or even cruel. I wonder if my knowledge of horses and management could become a consulting business... or my farm knowledge could become something similar. I don't know. At least you have headed me on to an IDEA.
thanks to everyone else for bearing with me.. and most of all for caring. That is priceless and why I keep coming back.
Living in the light
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Sweet Home Serenity
Posts: 706
Wooohooo Elana. Doing the happy dance here. Yep, 24 hours can make a huge difference. I just believed the warrior woman, capable, competent, intelligent person
you are would be back. You didn't come through all you've experienced to just lay down and HP didn't bring you to where you are just to drop you.
you are would be back. You didn't come through all you've experienced to just lay down and HP didn't bring you to where you are just to drop you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
There is an expression that supposedly is attributed to Che Guevara.
He said, "Más vale morir de pie que vivir de rodillas"
Translation: It's better to die on your feet than to live on your knees.
You're a fighter, Elana, and brilliant, and tough. Even if you never get to some kind of farming shambhala, at least you will be able to say that you kept walking that way, involving yourself in life, thumbing your nose at those who tried to steal your life from you.
Hugs and strength to you, to stay on your feet, just to spite them all
He said, "Más vale morir de pie que vivir de rodillas"
Translation: It's better to die on your feet than to live on your knees.
You're a fighter, Elana, and brilliant, and tough. Even if you never get to some kind of farming shambhala, at least you will be able to say that you kept walking that way, involving yourself in life, thumbing your nose at those who tried to steal your life from you.
Hugs and strength to you, to stay on your feet, just to spite them all
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: here and now
Posts: 1,291
Glad to hear your feelin better-it's funny how a person can slip into a dark frame of mind and then just wake up one day and snap out of it. It happens to me, too.
When i read your first post I thought hmmmm...maybe Elana should hook up with one of these Norwegian bachelor farmers that MN and Wisc. are so famous for...LOL...but I read on and saw that was not the answer.
Then I read some more and saw that you were actually COUNTING off the days until death, and I thought 'oh my God girl-go see a counselor!
Hey maybe you could find less expensive farmland to buy if you relocated-another state maybe, or Canada, they have healthcare....Costa Rica has cheap land I hear...just tryin to think out of the box...
Glad to hear you crawled out of the dark cave of despair!
When i read your first post I thought hmmmm...maybe Elana should hook up with one of these Norwegian bachelor farmers that MN and Wisc. are so famous for...LOL...but I read on and saw that was not the answer.
Then I read some more and saw that you were actually COUNTING off the days until death, and I thought 'oh my God girl-go see a counselor!
Hey maybe you could find less expensive farmland to buy if you relocated-another state maybe, or Canada, they have healthcare....Costa Rica has cheap land I hear...just tryin to think out of the box...
Glad to hear you crawled out of the dark cave of despair!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
I have the answer: miniature cows.
Not as much room needed, novelty pet, make tiny little cheeses from their milk (dunno about that last part, I just made that up)
But seriously, they are still rare enough that people are able to raise them and sell them for good prices.
All in good fun, Elana, but seriously, how cute are they: http://www.miniaturebull.com/
Not as much room needed, novelty pet, make tiny little cheeses from their milk (dunno about that last part, I just made that up)
But seriously, they are still rare enough that people are able to raise them and sell them for good prices.
All in good fun, Elana, but seriously, how cute are they: http://www.miniaturebull.com/
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I love the idea of you being a consultant and working with horse farmers.
And I love that when you have days like that you come here and share them and work your way through them instead of stuffing all those feelings way down where they will eat away at you.
Adjusting our dreams is a way of fine-tuning them not a compromise. Your dreams will come true, and I can't wait, so I can say "told ya so!!"
Hugs
And I love that when you have days like that you come here and share them and work your way through them instead of stuffing all those feelings way down where they will eat away at you.
Adjusting our dreams is a way of fine-tuning them not a compromise. Your dreams will come true, and I can't wait, so I can say "told ya so!!"
Hugs
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
Men are still S.O.L. tho.. that is still the same.....
thank you.
I don't know about miniature cows tho. Miniature horses have REAL problems (remember.. when you do genetic selection if you choose for a single trait, like size, the rest may just fall apart... and the minature horse is an example of that).
I also doubt how brilliant I am. Gosh.. I usually just make it up as I go and figure it out (cuz NOT figuring it out isn't an option).
Sunday Atka starts sheep herding lessons. In swap I get to help vaccinate over 100 sheep. Next week we may be starting flat work for agility (too young to do agility). and we have a shaping class. This is all interesting stuff that fills in some of the cracks.
thank you.
I don't know about miniature cows tho. Miniature horses have REAL problems (remember.. when you do genetic selection if you choose for a single trait, like size, the rest may just fall apart... and the minature horse is an example of that).
I also doubt how brilliant I am. Gosh.. I usually just make it up as I go and figure it out (cuz NOT figuring it out isn't an option).
Sunday Atka starts sheep herding lessons. In swap I get to help vaccinate over 100 sheep. Next week we may be starting flat work for agility (too young to do agility). and we have a shaping class. This is all interesting stuff that fills in some of the cracks.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Hi Elana,
I usually post on F&F of Alcoholics, but I lurk over here sometimes. I remember reading this thread and thinking how I wish there was something I could do to help you realize your dream. Well, today I was looking for something totally unrelated and I found this.
http://www.americandream-farmessaycontest.com/
I hope you will enter and maybe even win!
L
I usually post on F&F of Alcoholics, but I lurk over here sometimes. I remember reading this thread and thinking how I wish there was something I could do to help you realize your dream. Well, today I was looking for something totally unrelated and I found this.
http://www.americandream-farmessaycontest.com/
I hope you will enter and maybe even win!
L
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
I was out of town when this thread was posted...
I hope you're feeling a bit more optimistic, Elana...
Personally, I think my dreams change from day to day....
Now I want to be part of a search and rescue team....
(which will be hard, cause I don't have a search and rescue dog!)
NOTE TO SELF: think about buying a dog in the future..
I hope you're feeling a bit more optimistic, Elana...
Personally, I think my dreams change from day to day....
Now I want to be part of a search and rescue team....
(which will be hard, cause I don't have a search and rescue dog!)
NOTE TO SELF: think about buying a dog in the future..
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