how do you know if you are enabling?

Old 09-12-2007, 03:02 PM
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how do you know if you are enabling?

Am I an enabler? I honestly don't know anymore. My AH has been home for a year from about 6 months in rehab/halfway houses. He said he was clean and working his program. I was skeptical as his behavious were not changing (still blaming, raging, criticizing, leaving for a day or two if we got into a fight, spending money irresponsibly, focusing on what chores the kids weren't doing or what messes they were making, etc.) anyway I found out that he has been using for sure a couple of times this year (he stole vicodin from a friends house and stole pain killers out of my purse) and who knows how many more times.

Anyway he left me when I confronted him about stealing my pain killers. He left his wedding ring for me to find and took off without any note to the kids or anything. then called when he couldn't charge food at our health club and yelled at me that he was divorcing me and hung up.

It has been a couple of weeks and he has come over to see the kids and get clothes.
He has been calling me and talking like a normal person. When I ask him what his plans are he talks about moving into an apartment to "get his head on straight".

OK here is my confusion. Am I enabling him when I take his calls, or let him come over and hang out with the kids, giving him money when he ran out of gas? Am I enabling him because I have not completely cut him off? Right now I think he realizes what he has done and by moving out this could be the last effort to actually save our marriage. So if he moves out under the guise of "saving our marriage" and we both agree to this, and come up with a plan for him to see kids, etc. is this enabling, because even though I don't know what his drug intake is, the fact that there has been relapses and he did not tell me about them but denied until he was really caught, does that mean that he is in his "addiction" and really anthing he says is just lip service? I can't seem to get the knack of this. TO cut off completely seems counter to being a "good person" but if I'm enabling, then I know I am doing more harm - so I need help - am I an enabler or not? please help - ps sorry if some of you have heard some of this story before - my thread was lost recently so some of this might be repeat.
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Old 09-12-2007, 03:54 PM
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To do for them things they should do for themselves. That is what I was told is "enabling".



Does that help?
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Old 09-12-2007, 04:39 PM
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I guess I don't know what that means. I've heard that before, but get confused. Obviously if I looked for the apartment, found the apartment, paid for the apartment, packed him up and moved him in I can see that is clearly enabling. But letting him back home (I don't even know if legally I can keep him from being here if I wanted to as we are not divorced) until he finds the apartment and being cordial (is that making it easier on him or is it just coping)? I really can't see this situation clearly. My heart says of course be kind, let him come back, but then I hear another voice that says, tough love, kick him out and don't talk to him, don't see him etc.

I'm trying to take care of myself and be true to the person I want to be. But just can't move forward on this one until I'm clear on the enabling thing.
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Old 09-12-2007, 04:56 PM
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He is an adult, he needs to manage his own money, buy his own gas, food, lodging. It is his responsibility to take care of himself.

Is he contributing to the household? Is is he supporting his children? Has he earned the right to come back home? Or, are you making it easy for him to be irresponsible? If you say No to any of the first three questions then I would say, you are enabling him.

I don't have the answers, only you do....to me, the first priorty is to your children, their life, not his.

Just my two cents.
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Old 09-12-2007, 04:58 PM
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Helping is doing something for someone that they are not capable of doing themselves.

Enabling is doing for someone things that they could, and should be doing themselves.

So the enabling would include giving them money when they should be working and paying their way.
Bailing them out of jail.
Making excuses for anything they do.
I hope this helps
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Old 09-12-2007, 06:05 PM
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I was an oddball when it came to this. I did not enable at all, except for one time and it was done purposely (couldn't take him pacing and scoping out what he would hock next so I threw a $50 bill at him to get him to leave)
My first priority was my children. My xhb was very heavily into crack, my first rule was, you leave this house to score drugs do not come back. I was not risking having my kids taken away and all the drama anymore.
GO With your gut, you don't need proof, if he is actively using, you shouldn't have him around the kids at all period, that's not being mean, that's being a loving mother, stop worrying about his feelings and put you and your kids first. He is a grown man, and he will choose whatever road he wants to follow with or without your help.
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Old 09-12-2007, 06:26 PM
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I stick with BigSis's definition, with a little room to wiggle if I just feel like doing a favor.

But to be honest, not enabling does not insure a change of behavior either. If your worry is that you are doing it "right" so that he will stop, you may be worrying about the wrong side of this. What you do or don't do may not make a bit of difference in whether he chooses to use. Yes, making it easier often allows them to continue in comfort, but stopping doesn't make them stop. It just makes using a little less comfy. And not enabling is not meant to be punishment.

Are YOU comfortable with him seeing the kids, stopping by to get clothes etc?

If you are, with no expectations (and thats my tough spot), then maybe spend some time thinking about your options down the road, and let today be today.

(((Hugs)))
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Old 09-12-2007, 06:57 PM
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I don't know what this says about me, but I'm more concerned about not enabling so that I won't be to be to blame and I want my piece in all of this to be as clean as possible - so that it won't be my fault.

I think it really kills me that my AH blames me - maybe that is my denial of his disease... thinking that he should be able to act like a responsible, rational human being. Anyway I continue to hear from my AH how he is leaving me because of all of the yelling and that this is my fault. THen I hear from the counselors that we have all of these issues (AH claims that he doesn't have any respect from the kids because I have turned the kids against him, and am constantly undermining him and not letting him discipline the kids and that I have cut off his balls) and what kills me is that the counselors buy into his complaining. You would think that they would know better.

So although I know deep down that his accusations are false, it still hurts and makes me think maybe it is my fault.
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Old 09-13-2007, 02:55 AM
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I see two elements to enabling...

One, as said before, is doing for them what they could and should be doing for themselves.

The other is giving that which encumbers ourselves. If I buy my son groceries so he can eat, that's just a nice thing to do. But if I have to spend money I don't have to do it, then it might be enabling.

Sometimes I think of what I might do for a good friend, just out of kindness, and that helps me decide. Also, doing something once is different than taking financial responsibility for something.

I had to get used to the fact that anyone in active addiction will not live in wonderful accommodations nor will they eat a balanced diet and take care of themselves in a healthy way. Even on the street, my son had a men's hostel run by the Salvation Army that was clean, provided hot meals and shelter and counseling if he wanted it as well as assistance getting into a program....and the Salvation Army programs cost nothing and are very good. That worked better for him than letting him live in my home and giving him meals, a warm safe bed, and the love and support of family.

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Old 09-13-2007, 12:11 PM
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What became clear to me... after some time, that is... was that I got something out of enabling.

My friend called it a "mom-hit". That sense of being NEEDED. Of being WANTED. Of being IMPORTANT.

So I had to look at why I was enabling, before I could make a "choice" not to enable.


((hugs))
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