wildcat

I don't even know where to start. My AH (I think that means addict husband) drug of choice is pain killers. I just found out about it on July 13th but now he says it has been going on for at least 3-4 years. He has racked up $50k in debt in one year. I didn't have a clue and still look back thinking what on earth did I miss. I found out after many many many lies and a big family intervention. We sent him to detox that night and then he went to rehab. Since then I have caught him ordering pills twice. He is still in rehab. I will not say that it hasn't been more than that b/c as we all know they are liars. After the 2nd time I kicked him out. He came back after a little under a month. I just found out yesterday he tried to order them. Of course there came all the lies when confronted and then he convinced himself that he had cancelled the order before he talked to me. We all know what they can do after they cancel and order but I guess that's besides the point. He then got extremely defensive b/c I had told him if he did it again he was out. We have 2 small children and luckily for me, I can leave and not suffer a ton of financial hardship b/c my parents have this house I'm in in trust to me. So, he was out, I called our marriage counselor we have been seeing. She told me to make him stay out until she sees us which is next week and she will see him separately. In the meantime, he has told me he has never felt comfortable with me, that I like my dad more than him and would rather be with my dad, brings up things from 5 years ago that upset him but that he never told me about, tells me I think I'm always right. When I try to talk to him about it, it's just tunnel vision. He thinks if I have a differing opinion I'm trying to say I'm right. I can't make him think otherwise. He said he doesn't want to go to marriage counseling anymore. I'm a trigger for him and I've never been there to support him. He says he has never been happy with me and our marriage. I'm at a loss. I don't know. I just feel like if I let him stay like he wants me to and say "ok you messed up, what should we do from here" I'm enabling him and I don't want to go down that road. I don't want to be there letting him kill himself. He doesn't think I know anything about addiction but I must say that I have an addict for a brother also who has been very enabled and I almost lost him b/c of it. Any adice would be great! Thanks!

parentrecovers

nice to meet you, wildcat. it's great that you are getting your counselor involved. have you thought about going to alanon or naranon meetings? keep posting! k

wildcat

Thanks for the welcome. I meant to say that. I go to Naranon every week and marriage counseling. I have just made an appt. for my own counselor too.

caileesnana

welcome, lots of good people here!
susan

hmbld

Boy, does that sound ever too familiar. An addict will always deflect and turn their problem in to being your fault. I've been through it for years, try not to take it personally (yeah, I know, easier said than done), it is what they do. All you can do is leave him to self destruct. Don't make the same mistake I did and be there when it happens, he will drag you down to his rock bottom. Move out and pray he helps himself.

WENDYLOST101

Hi! My husband is my addict and his DOC is painkillers also. I dont have time to go into alot of detail but my husband has a ligitemate back problem. That is how his addiction started. He has just chosen to take advantage of it. I have been coming to this website for almost 2 years and I have learned alot here and made some really special friends. People that I have never seen before have made such an impact on my life I cant even begin to explain how. It sounds as though you have some experience in the situation though with your brother and all.

I have just recently started going to Celebrate Recovery meetings. They are 12 step based just like AA or NA but they are Christian based meetings. I have been to 5 so far and I really enjoy them. They help me alot. My AH has been going also.

At this point in time I am ready to give up on my marriage. Not to sound negative, but I have. If I were in your situation, and he told me he was unhappy with me and never felt comfortable with me as you say he has told you, I would say hit the road Jack. I wish it were that easy for me. I cant get my husband to leave at all. He wont even consider seperation. He is a bully, so me packing my stuff and him letting me leave is not an option either, so... Just what I would do if I was you, but I am having a rough go of it right now.

You have come to a good place to find help and people who care about you and are willing to walk this loag road with you.

I hope I did not make you feel worse.

GiveLove

welcome, wildcat,

It's true -- addicts/alcoholics will suddenly find a thousand reasons why it's your fault. Funny that he can find a thousand ways to say "you're wrong for me" but he still wants to stay. What does that tell you?

The question is, what do YOU want to do? I'm sure you love him, that's a given, but when you think about staying in your current situation, does that sound like the highest and best use of your life, your compassion, your time? Do you want to stay married to him and continue to fight the fight? You've given him a chance at treatment and he has blown it. What's next for you?

Though it sounds heartless of me, what he has to say is irrelevant at this point. It's some bizarre custom quack-o-matic blend of truth, half-truth, and complete falsehood, borne of his need to get his safe secure nest back. In your heart of hearts you know this.

What matters is whether you still want to be there -- knowing he will always be an addict, whether or not he is clean for extended periods of time.

Glad you are seeing a counselor. Mine was a godsend. He asked me all these questions once...

Hugs,
GL

wildcat

Although I wish none of is were in this boat, I'm glad that there are people who know what I'm going through and who can help. Thank you all. I guess I have a lot to think about. After the 1st time I had contacted a lawyer and then backed down b/c he wanted to do anything I said to try to make it work. Now I have to see if I can get my courage up and know that this is what I'll do.

bookmiser

(((((Wildcat)))))


Just wanna welcome you to sr.
I'm no longer married to my addict. We were divorced about 17 years ago.
My son is the addict in my life now. He's 25.
I'm sorry for your pain.
Sending up prayers for you, your ah, and your children.