bookmiser

I'm at it again.

Today I am down. I just can't control the thoughts I keep having of my son
and his situation.
We had an argument on the phone last night.
Well, not really an argument. He just gets so bent outta shape whenever I ask (pry)
questions about his future.
How many of the parents of addicts here, still find themselves praying that someday your addict is just gonna "snap" outta this?
Crazy, I know.

I just feel like such a poser lately. Notice, I haven't been giving too much feedback or advice? I feel like, how can I advise someone about things that I can't even understand or work through? It sucks! I'm back to step one.
Update....
I'm too tired to even update. lol
Let's just say that my son is like a ticking time bomb and I'm sittin' back and waitin' for the explosion. Plain and simple.
I'm so tired of his expectations about how his life should be and how everyone needs to do for him. Take care of him. Answer to him. ie:gf.
He's just an arrogant, spoiled, big mouth, butthead. I wanna be meaner, btw. lol
Someone who can't/won't/refuses to/ put in any kinda work for anything.
"God, please grant me...

Just needing to vent, friends. If you have any words of encouragment about moving on and letting go...again, they would be greatly appreciated.
I think I just need to step back and stop communication altogether.
I just feel so guilty about doing that, though. I feel like if I stop talking to him completely, he'll...what? Go on living his life? Change somehow?
I want him to change his way of thinking. He needs to work a program of recovery.
Not using is not what it's all about. He still thinks like an addict. That's never gonna change until he works recovery. Call me stupid, but is there any other way to work a recovery program without the use of 12 steps or turning yourself over to a HP?
I'm so scared that he's gonna spend the rest of his life like this. Alone and miserable.
I'm tired of talking till I'm blue in the face about recovery, change, and happiness.
He seems bent on living a life of misery. How can I move past that?
Alright, I'm done. lol

Thanks for reading my vent.
Love and prayers to you all.

parentrecovers

guilty too!

cece1960

Awwww Bookie,
Move on over and I'll sit beside you for a spell..been there done that and still find myself back there way more than I'm comfortable with.
A few things I've learned about myself when these things creep up:

Generally, its something in ME that triggered the stinkin' thinkin'

That trigger could be chaos at work, hormones, exhaustion, not spending time with the son for a spell, or spending time with the son for more than one day

On EVERY SINGLE occassion that I've gone there, nothing catastrophic has happened after all.

I can't expect my 22 year old to think like his 47 year old Mom. I know more, I'm smarter, wiser and in a better position mentally and financially to make better decisions, whether he realizes it or not.

They are making progress Bookie. Your son is a lot like mine, and even though its not fast enough for us, they are taking steps.

And so are we, hon

(((hugs)))
Cece

WENDYLOST101

Linda, no words of advise, just big ol' hugs. I love ya!

marle

The only way for him to change is to experience life's hardknocks and decide that maybe he needs to do something different. I do not attend meetings, yet I feel that I been able to grow in my recovery because it is something that I really want. I don't want to continue to do the same things over and over and get the same results. He is young and will learn if given the time and the responsibility to do it. Let him figure it out. If that means less time spent with mom, then so be it. If he were not an addict, would you not be able to let go and let him make his own decisions. I know I did some really dumb things when I was young and it helps to go back and remember that we do grow out of some of the behaviors. Hugs, Marle

stefanie

Oh Linda, I wish I had some words of wisdom for ya, but I dont. My son will be turning
21 in a few days. He is still using, and I just feel so frustrated and upset with him.
This birthday should be a happy time, a milestone!
Just wanted to send you a hug!

MsPINKAcres

((hugs))

As I have posted, the active disease is still running wild in the lives of my family members also - I keep feeling this urge that I should be "doing" somthing, saying the right words, on and on and on.

Then a calm, inner voice says "You've done all you are suppose to do, you've said all you are suppose to say - Let me have them - it's my turn" - I understand that to be my HP telling me that I should let go & give my loved ones to the God of my understanding.

I too still want to "DO" - trying today to take that focus and turn it toward "doing" for me.
Ain't always such an easy thing to do - but I'm working on it too - guess we will all have to just keep trying together - huh?

Wishing you Serenity & Joy,
Rita

greeteachday

(((((Linda))))))
I'm beginning to wonder if there is ever a time when we go through life without having to go back to step 1 over and over...Not just addiction...all the things that can't be controlled.

I think Marle is right...A program of recovery doesn't have to be 12 steps or something formal...the strong desire to change and to work to change is the foundation of whatever one could call a program. I think more formal programs help more people because people sharing with others in the same situation is beneficial. But until he changeshis own thinking, he'll keep doing the same htings over and over.

It's hard not to preach the idea of working recovery and change, etc. but if your son is like my kids, it is a waste of breath and does less than nothing - just drove me batty. Maybe if you aren't to a point wher eyou can cut off communication (and i can certainly understand that) an in between step is to only allow communication where there is no discussion of his issues, his drama or of recovery and responsibility?

Hugs and lots of prayers for both of you. He is taking some steps...slowly and he will eventually not have the thinking of a teenager. Love you Linda.

laketime

Big Sis told me on one of my posts about my 20 year old AS. He will do what he will do. What will you do? One of our group leaders told me You can't make him quit anymore than you made him start. Talking, writing him letters, begging, pleading, crying, bribing hasn't worked for me so far. So, Im trying to stop. Im trying to let him "feel" the consequences of his choices and actions, its hard, but im trying

rahsue

book.....do we have the same son?
Why is it that these kids have these high expectations of their lives but refuse to work at getting it.

I'm 49 and I'm still working at what I want in life. If you want something you gotta work for it huh, darn kids

good luck and feel happier tomorrow

havehope

Sending some mom hugs to you. I don't have hardly any contact with my 21 yr old daughter. It has been the best thing for both her and I. I don't think she is using, but she is not working a recovery. As long as she is not trying to make progress, I can't really talk to her. She still thinks like an addict; just doesn't use. (I think lol)!!
At first it was difficult not to talk to her, but now I don't have that daily frustration and chaos every day.
I do believe one day we will be able to talk to each other in a mature way; but for now no talking is the best for both of us.
By the way, I would have never said these words if you had asked me a year ago!!!
Progress, not perfection, right??
Love ya
Terri

frankie_b

Linda, I'm with Greet about an in between step re communicating with son. I hope you find a comfort zone when talking with him, neither a cut off nor getting
wrapped up in his drama, problems, unrealistic thoughts and offering the solution over and over. Perhaps set a boundary for you?
I did it too Linda, hoping I could reach through somehow. Not! LOL
Consider he has been in rehab, has the tools and knows how to apply them only when and if he makes the decision. Back to step one?
I go there time and again as I navigate all the waters of this life.
Hugs

bookmiser

parent- hugs to you from me.

cece- this has alot to do with what is happening with me right now.
you, my friend, are a genius and i love you.
i recently received a transfer at work. i've been trying to get this placement for the last 6 months. where i was, was more of a tourist store. i felt i was getting the appreciation and attention i deserve. so, i went for something bigger and got it, finally. i worked toward it and was patient about it. it arrived. i'm thrilled with my new job. also, since moving back to cincy, hubby and i haven't gotten into any extra curriculum activities. we bowled with a mixed league in pennsylvania for 6 years.
so...we started on a new league last night. my high game was a 171, btw.
we enjoy doing this and are able to afford it. i intend to get golf clubs from santa and take up golf next year. oh, btw, jason use to bowl with us for 1 season and was pretty good at it. then he got bored with it and...
anyway, i feel like i am doing something for myself to make my life more fullfilling.
then there's jay. i swear i think he needs to be directed or instructed on every move he makes in life to get the full benefit. i offer suggestions. he shoots'em down.
i guess i feel guilty about doing something for me when he doesn't have a pot to pi$$ in.
thanks for your support, gf. i appreciate it.

wendy- i love you, too. lol

marle- to be truthful here, i think i would still be trying to guide him, even if he weren't an addict. funny, huh? i just feel like, "d*mn, jay! aren't you tired of living like this, yet?" when is it gonna get better? i guess when he decides he wants it to be better, but i swear he sometimes talks to me like he has no other choice or options, but to continue living like this. that he doesn't know how to live any other way or make it any better for himself. i once gave him a book on life skills. did he read it? doubtful. my biggest concern is that he won't "grow up" until i die.
i guess i think that because i really didn't grow up until my mom died. i was 30.
anyway, thanks for your thoughts and hugs. back atcha.

stefanie- i know whatcha mean, sweetie. my son was heavy into his addiction at that age. it was a nightmare. know what, though? my daughter will be 21 at the end of this month....and i don't have 1 single, solitary worry that she will go out and do something stupid. not 1. that gives me some peace.
i don't feel that i screwed both of them up. lol sorry. pity party goin' on over here. thanks for the hugs and support.

rita- as i type this, i am singing the banana song with your name. you know...
rita rita bobita banana fana foe fita me mi mo mita, rita. lol can't help it. sorry.
hey! you made me smile. so thank you. thanks for the wish for serenity and joy, too.

greet- awww, greet. your right, sweetie. absolutely, right. i will try hard to just let him talk and just tell him i love him and i hope he finds happiness someday.
hopefully, before i die. lol j/k love ya, greet. thanks.

lake- i admire your honesty. not many people, especially men, no offense, can be open about certain things. especially feelings. your feelings and your openness about your son and his addiction is honest and pure. i love ya for it. thanks.
hugs to you and your family.

rahsue- yes. i think we do have the same son. lol
that's exactly what i'm talking about. he doesn't want to work for/at anything.
he stopped working again. says he doesn't feel right. okay, then see a doctor.
he talks to one on the phone. tells them he can't work and needs medication.
they told him they want him to have counseling a couple days a week for 3 months, then they will decide on a course of treatment. he says, "f*ck that! I want anxiety medicine now. i can't work without it."
so i'm giving him my thoughts about how he should try counseling first.
then maybe he wouldn't even need meds. he starts screaming that i just need to listen to him and stop giving my opinion on everything he says.
i go, "fine! i'm gettin' off the phone now."
he just kept yelling about it. i just listened until he wore himself down. told him i would talk to him later and that i love him. end of conversation.
drives me crazy. anyway, thanks for the well wishes. i'm off work today and have lots of thinkin' time. tomorrow i'm back to work and keeping busy. hugs, linda

bookmiser

terri- love you, too. i just can't imagine not talking to him at all.
i talk to both of my kids every day. i don't even call them. they call me. lol
what's up with that? what have i done to them to make them sooooo dependent on me? even at 20 and 25 years of age. am i a weird mom or what? are there others like me? i know what it was. I was very young when they were born. especially jason. we kinda grew up together. i feel sometimes that i was more of a friend to them when i should have been more of a parent. plus there was the guilt of my divorcing their dad. whoops! there i go with the blame-game again. hugs to you.

frankie- jason has never been to rehab. he's gone to 2 week long detoxes, done the methadone clinic twice, and been in jail for 6 months. he had counseling at the methadone clinic, but only gave answers that they wanted to hear. he told me himself that he never spoke in the sessions. just went along with the game.
he kicked heroin after being locked up in jail. once he was out he drank and smoked pot. not doin' much of that lately cause he's broke and isn't working. stays with the older gf and lives off of her. he's even said that he'll move on when he meets someone else.
heck! labor day weekend he spent the night at my brother's house while his gf had her kids overnight. she gave him 20 dollars for food while he was there. he bought cigarettes and beer. then when the money was gone. the next day, i might add, he went to the same gas station and asked the girl what he could get with 3 bucks. she told him to get whatever he wanted. he said he got a 40 and a pack of cigarettes. see what i mean? he's nice looking and uses people (girls) to get what he wants. I never raised him to be that way. at least i don't think i did. not intentionally, anyway.
navigating the waters of this life. i like that. well said. love and hugs to you, dear frankie.

frankie_b

Oooops Linda. Sorry, I thought he may have been.
My son used his good looks to charm and con the girls too. No, you didn't raise him to be that way Mom. It's what addicts do. They use others to get what they want. I stepped away from knowing so much
about the details of son's life as well as listening to the drama quack quack quack because it made me ill and my life became unmanageable.
Hugs back atcha.