How do you know?
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: MA
Posts: 145
How do you know?
Okay so we’re back from our 2 week vacation and surprisingly most of it went off without a hitch. Both weddings were beautiful. So now we’re back to reality. Supposedly the BF has been clean since the Friday before we left (8/24). At one point during our vacation he also admitted to being disgusted with himself for using again. (we had a HUGE blowout a few weeks ago and he hadn’t done anyting since and then he did that Friday which set me off all over again). He seems to have come back a changed man at least when it comes to his feeling and emotions. Maybe seeing his baby brother get married and have his sh*t together changed something for him. He has been great towards me. Then why do I feel this way? Why am I still panicked? Why do I worry so much? My BF is a DJ/Music producer and for awhile I know he was using while he was making music. He’d stay up late and I would go to sleep and I knew finally did come to bed that he had been partying?
So I guess my question is when does the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach go away? Does it ever? Do I ever stop being a lunatic? How do you know when you can breathe again? I’m getting really tired of holding my breath.
So I guess my question is when does the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach go away? Does it ever? Do I ever stop being a lunatic? How do you know when you can breathe again? I’m getting really tired of holding my breath.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: NY
Posts: 204
I'm still very new here but I remember that feeling in the pit of your stomach like it was just yesterday, the anxiety was HORRIBLE.
For me it got better when I took all the necessary steps to protect myself, my kids and put myself in a situation where the only thing left was the emotional anxiety. Let's be honest, many of us wives or girlfriends or husbands/boyfriends anxiety is not just related to emotions but to finances.. My xhb blew threw our life savings, my kids college funds in addition to bringing each of us to our knees emotionaly. Once I took the necessary steps to protect myself fianancially I then gained the self-esteem and confidence I needed to focus my emotional energy on myself. It was by far NOT easy but with a lot of effort I just started doing MORE things for myself and less things for him.
And another thing... This is not to say men don't have this, but MOST of us women have a very keen sense of intuition. Do not confuse Intuition and that GUT feeling something is off, with anxiety over IF he will or not. MOST often that knot in my stomach was my gut saying.. It aint over! So that was another thing I had to learn. I sometimes pushed that gut feeling off and gave him the benefit of the doubt only to be knocked down again, once I really learned to listen to my gut and what it was saying.. I was no longer confused. Years ago I had an Al-Anon Sponsor who taught me that. I didn't stay in Al-anon long, but I got a lot from my then sponsor who really taught me to trust myself first.
For me it got better when I took all the necessary steps to protect myself, my kids and put myself in a situation where the only thing left was the emotional anxiety. Let's be honest, many of us wives or girlfriends or husbands/boyfriends anxiety is not just related to emotions but to finances.. My xhb blew threw our life savings, my kids college funds in addition to bringing each of us to our knees emotionaly. Once I took the necessary steps to protect myself fianancially I then gained the self-esteem and confidence I needed to focus my emotional energy on myself. It was by far NOT easy but with a lot of effort I just started doing MORE things for myself and less things for him.
And another thing... This is not to say men don't have this, but MOST of us women have a very keen sense of intuition. Do not confuse Intuition and that GUT feeling something is off, with anxiety over IF he will or not. MOST often that knot in my stomach was my gut saying.. It aint over! So that was another thing I had to learn. I sometimes pushed that gut feeling off and gave him the benefit of the doubt only to be knocked down again, once I really learned to listen to my gut and what it was saying.. I was no longer confused. Years ago I had an Al-Anon Sponsor who taught me that. I didn't stay in Al-anon long, but I got a lot from my then sponsor who really taught me to trust myself first.
remember to breathe
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: philadelphia pa
Posts: 1,280
I agree with doing well. Unfortunately we as codies seem to always wait for the other shoe to drop. Start looking out for yourself and things will fall into place and that feeling will lessen more and more. After awhile you'll feel much better, of course thats not to say it will rear it's ugly head again (the anxiety that is). But learning how to have feelings and know what they are will help you to deal with them it a positive way.
good luck to you
good luck to you
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: MA
Posts: 145
Thanks Sue and Doing.
I take what both of you said to heart and will holdit with me. It just hurts to think that I still sit right now as I write and am waiting almost for him to fail again. I have lost alot of trust in him. I know in his heart of hearts he is trying his best to redeem himself, but I at the moment just can't believe it, at least not yet. He doesn't realize how much he has hurt me and if I wasn't so damn codependent and worried about his feelings I would love to let him in on what he has done to me and our relationship over the past few months. I harbor such bad feelings still.
Do either of you go to meetings? Do you think that would help?
Thanks again!
<3Cate
I take what both of you said to heart and will holdit with me. It just hurts to think that I still sit right now as I write and am waiting almost for him to fail again. I have lost alot of trust in him. I know in his heart of hearts he is trying his best to redeem himself, but I at the moment just can't believe it, at least not yet. He doesn't realize how much he has hurt me and if I wasn't so damn codependent and worried about his feelings I would love to let him in on what he has done to me and our relationship over the past few months. I harbor such bad feelings still.
Do either of you go to meetings? Do you think that would help?
Thanks again!
<3Cate
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: SC
Posts: 1,027
Waiting for that other shoe to drop is sometimes more anxiety producing than knowing that they are using when they are in active addiction.
Not allowing my boundaries to be put on the back burner just because I knew or know he is clean at the moment is an important part of me not losing my sanity. I don't wait on that other shoe to drop because I know in my head if it did, I will make it. I've kept intact my boundaries that I use when he is in active addiction. Maybe with some substantial clean time, they'll lessen but for now, they stay in place and if he understands why things have to be the way they are, good for him, if not....so sad, to bad.
Not allowing my boundaries to be put on the back burner just because I knew or know he is clean at the moment is an important part of me not losing my sanity. I don't wait on that other shoe to drop because I know in my head if it did, I will make it. I've kept intact my boundaries that I use when he is in active addiction. Maybe with some substantial clean time, they'll lessen but for now, they stay in place and if he understands why things have to be the way they are, good for him, if not....so sad, to bad.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: NY
Posts: 204
I did at first find Al-Anon to be very comforting, mostly knowing that others were or had gone through what I had, I did get a really good sponsor who I give a lot of credit to for putting up with me and my own way of dealing with recovery. I'm also an alcoholic. While I believe in God, I choose to leave religion completely out of my recovery, I now attend LifeRing but I am also going through group therapy and DBT which has helped with all aspects of taking care of ME.
Of course to get to that point at all, you first have to realize that you cannot help him, only yourself. Only then will any of the support groups help. I went to Al-Anon at first thinking it would help him which only made things worse at that time for me because of my own misconceptions.
If you have never been to any type of support group, then yes, do try Al-Anon, or Naranon and decide for yourself if it is for you. It's not for everyone but you won't know until you try. Like I said though, be sure you are doing this for yourself.
I really know that awful feeling in your stomach your talking about.. dare I say I even remember thinking.. JUST go use and get it the hell over with so I have a reason to feel this way! Very sick thoughts and it was only when I said ENOUGH of this.. that I began to heal MYSELF. What he did and how he did it was irrelevant to my own recovery, it had to be.
Of course to get to that point at all, you first have to realize that you cannot help him, only yourself. Only then will any of the support groups help. I went to Al-Anon at first thinking it would help him which only made things worse at that time for me because of my own misconceptions.
If you have never been to any type of support group, then yes, do try Al-Anon, or Naranon and decide for yourself if it is for you. It's not for everyone but you won't know until you try. Like I said though, be sure you are doing this for yourself.
I really know that awful feeling in your stomach your talking about.. dare I say I even remember thinking.. JUST go use and get it the hell over with so I have a reason to feel this way! Very sick thoughts and it was only when I said ENOUGH of this.. that I began to heal MYSELF. What he did and how he did it was irrelevant to my own recovery, it had to be.
remember to breathe
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: philadelphia pa
Posts: 1,280
I have not attended any meetings YET I still plan to do so but I'm a procratinator. I spend at least 1 hour a day on this site and I feel pretty darn good after. the people on this site are very wise and non judgmental and that goes along way for me.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: MA
Posts: 145
rahsue
I do as well. I don't think that I would have gotten as far and as strong as I am if it wasn't for SR. Just having all of you to go to has been a godsend. I am not a religious person at all and I don't have a strong belief in prayer so this has been my help.
Can I be nosy and ask why you haven't gone?
I do as well. I don't think that I would have gotten as far and as strong as I am if it wasn't for SR. Just having all of you to go to has been a godsend. I am not a religious person at all and I don't have a strong belief in prayer so this has been my help.
Can I be nosy and ask why you haven't gone?
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