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A little dilemma-need some help from my friends

Old 09-11-2007, 07:55 PM
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Question A little dilemma-need some help from my friends

Yesterday I sent my AD a letter. I do that periodically just to let her know what is happening in my life. I try to keep it upbeat and I don't mention drugs. I guess that part of me wants her to know that there is still a "normal" out there. Anyway she messaged me tonight to thank me and to tell me my letter made her feel happy. She said that she and the abf have not done opiates in 4 days and that she is going to be out of state for a couple of days with him for his work. She said maybe we could see each other when she gets back. I have not seen her for more than 6 months. Herein lies my dilemma. I don't know if I am ready to see her. I don't know if she looks better or worse than before. I am doing really well with my acceptance of what her situation is and I feel at peace with trusting God to take care of her. I am torn. Part of me misses her and really wants to see her. The other part of me realizes that I may not like what I see and that will really mess with my serenity. I then think that if I really loved her unconditionally (like I think I do) I would be able to see her and just accept her warts and all. I know that I am strong enough to say no to any monetary help, but I don't believe that I am strong enough to not get emotionally involved. Any thoughts would be appreciated. I know that I can say that I need more time. I know that I will do what is best for me, but....you guys know how hard it is when it is your baby. Thanks, Marle
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Old 09-11-2007, 07:57 PM
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P.S. About a half hour before she messaged me I prayed to God to give me a sign that she is okay and then she messaged. I know that is not a coincidence. Hugs, Marle
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Old 09-11-2007, 08:25 PM
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Marle,

I am too new in my own recovery with my AD and AS to be of any help......
I just wanted to let you know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

I'm sure that the "wise ones" that wear bunny slippers and have wardrobe malfunctions
will be able to provide some insight.

Take care,
Colleen
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Old 09-11-2007, 08:43 PM
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Marle, I think I'd pray on it and see if she is still clean and wanting the meeting when she gets back. She's pretty early in recovery (4 days) to be very stable yet, and if she's not clean she probably won't call, and it she is clean then all the better.

When I was unsure and feeling like you are, I met my son at a neutral place, maybe a restaurant near a park where we could walk for a while, and I kept the meetings brief, maybe an hour or two and had an escape plan/story for if I wanted to leave earlier.

I think it's wonderful that your prayer was answered and you heard from her and it sounds like she is really trying. That's such a good sign, when they try.

Sending special hugs and lotsa prayers that she can stay on the better path and find her way back.

Hugs from the old gal in bunny slippers.
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Old 09-11-2007, 09:17 PM
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What Ann said...You've thought about it and know there are pluses and minuses; now letting go and asking for guidance while she is away sounds like a good idea. No use projecting about how it might be since it may not happen. I'm praying as always that her time is coming soon to want to return to reality. Praying for you too, Marle. I love the Godincidence!
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Old 09-11-2007, 09:18 PM
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Marle,
IMHO I would wait till she returns and if she still wants to meet I would go, and while going and there I would repeat over and over,
God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
I would pick a park or another place other than where she is living, a neutral setting would make it easier for both of you.
You reached out she reached back, I would say that just might be a sign. She's starting to try and get clean, has that happened before?
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Old 09-12-2007, 04:41 AM
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Ann and Greet, I have been thinking for about the last month of meeting her in a neutral place. Something inside of me says that I need to just let her know that I love her whether she is using or not. So your suggestions reaffirm my thoughts. I know she may not call and that is okay too. I have learned to keep my expectations low. Blue, She has had periods of clean time during the last three years. But she has been using daily for about the last year and a half. So I know that 4 days could just mean that they are out of money. Either way I know it is her journey and that God has her. Hugs, Marle
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Old 09-12-2007, 04:52 AM
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(((Marle)))
Sending you hugs and prayers, that you find the answers you need. Turn this over to your HP and he will tell you what to do. He let you know she was safe, so he will guide you on this too.
Praying that this is your daughters time to get clean now.
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Old 09-12-2007, 04:57 AM
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Wink

(((Merle))))
Thank you for sharing your story with us. I have been down a similar path.
My AS has been in jail since June. I couldn't bring myself to visit him. I knew that I wasn't ready for it. Finally a couple of weeks ago, I went to visit him. He said that he had gained back 35 pounds since June. I convinced myself that I was strong enough to see him. As I sat there waiting for him, my hands began to sweat.

When he approached me, I cried. WE hugged briefly and it took me a couple of minutes to stop crying. I apologized for crying...........here we sit at the jail and I'm the one apologizing.

Let your daughter see you Merle, warts and all. Even if it is for a brief encounter.
Stay cool, calm and true to you,
Love is the strongest medicine.
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Old 09-12-2007, 07:12 AM
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Marle,
No advise, just lots of hugs and prayers. I am happy she continues to reach to you, I think that is a very good sign. I don't know what is right/wrong w/ our girls anymore and just turn it over and know God will have his way.
Prayers for Megan,
susan
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Old 09-12-2007, 07:22 AM
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marle - it sounds like right now it's really important and weighing on you to express to your daughter that you still love & think about her. I think you should do it....you might regret not letting her know in the future. But agreeing with the other folks, keep it brief, happy & in neutral air. Best wishes
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Old 09-12-2007, 07:40 AM
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(((Marle)))
No advice here just lots of love & prayers from one Mom to another.

Diane
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Old 09-12-2007, 08:17 AM
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Marle, You have been one of my strengths here so I know you'll come up with the right choice for you. As a mother I feel as though I would regret not seeing my son where as if I saw him there wouldn't be a regret. JMHO

good luck and prayers to you
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Old 09-12-2007, 08:23 AM
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i'd most likely meet. but then i'm not too good at letting go
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Old 09-12-2007, 08:32 AM
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Marle, through the years of AS's addiction, I have faced the same dilemma. There have been times meeting with AS has left me overwhelmed with feelings of sadness, grief, anger, shocked by his appearance/state of mind and so on. At other times I've felt such joy to see him and be thankful for the precious time together. At these times he's looked healthy, put on weight, his wonderful sense of humor intact, his eyes twinkling. There have been times I've been able to stay in serenity, feeling a loving detachment whatever his state of mind, physical appearance or present circumstances.

As a Mom, I do undertand how hard it is (( Marle )) when contemplating meeting our
adult kids, the babies we raised and loved whose lives and circumstances are tragically altered by the beast addiction. I do not see AS today as I cannot afford to go to that dark place, prison.
Your recovery is strong and shining.
The posts above mine are filled with ESH and helpful suggestions.
Megan knows you love her. Serenity may come and go. Please bear in mind whatever you decide, you will be okay when you place your trust in HP's tender loving care.

Last edited by frankie_b; 09-12-2007 at 08:53 AM.
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Old 09-12-2007, 09:08 AM
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Marle,
I think you have your mind made up to see her if she does contact you when she gets back. You seem to have a handle on your recovery and I know you will make the descision that is right for you. I have seen my daughter at her worst and at her best. I know that her worst really did pull me down, but I know that her seeing me raised her up. I like to think that her seeing me gave her a few good memories of what it is like to have a good relationship with me and all of the good times that we used to have. Hoping that she would take that back with her and it would benefit her. I too have lowered my expectations but I never gave up my hope that if there is one small thing that would set a spark of her wanting to get well then it is all worth it. Even if it doesn't, at least you can hold her and tell her that you love her and that is something that you both deserve. She will always be your baby, open your arms to her, you are strong enough to handle it.

Mom hugs..............Lo
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Old 09-12-2007, 09:36 AM
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((((Marle)))))

Ever tried to plan anything with an active addict?


The odds of her actually hooking up with your are probably not all that good, if she is like MY daughter was (and still is, some days).

Your trust in a Higher Power can be extended to this, as well. If you are supposed to hook up - HP will walk you through it.


No worries.



(((hugs)))
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Old 09-12-2007, 09:44 AM
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No advice.. Just plenty of Hugs and prayers for you.

-Broken
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Old 09-12-2007, 11:30 AM
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((((((Marle))))))))

Just sending my love and support out to you, sweetie.
I have to agree with Sis on this one.
The odds of her coming back from her trip and still wanting to see you are kinda slim.
At least that's the way it was/heck, still is, with Jason.
Ya just never know where their head is half the time. Ya know?
It was really great of her to respond and want to see you, though.
Her heart is definitely in the right spot. She loves you dearly, I'm sure.
It's just that the abf is "working" to get paid, which in turn, will bring in money for drugs, possibly, and then the "plan" she made with you, may go flying out the window.
Not because she wanted it to, ya see? That's just the way it is with addicts and addiction.
Try to stay optimistic about it. I'm praying for a good outcome for you both.
Things may turn out for you, the way all of us dream it will, but as my grandma use to say....
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket."
What the heck does that really mean, anyway?
Just know I love ya and am praying for you both.

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Old 09-12-2007, 01:47 PM
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No advice here. I know that you will do what's right for you. Your are in my thoughts and prayers.
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