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Old 09-11-2007, 06:10 PM   #1 (permalink)

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son about to come home from rehab; any advice?

i'm a new poster here.. my son age 21 elected to go into a 30 day residential rehab and is going to be home in a few days. although he rents a small house, he has asked if he could live with us for a while as he's afraid of his old friends hanging around and of being lonely if he goes back there. we've agreed that it would be fine to do that for a while. We have an appointment with a counselor a couple of days after he gets home to iron out a "contract" with him with expectations on both sides for behavior, responsibilities, and so forth as we want to have everything laid out as clearly as possible. I'm just wondering, though... other than helping him get to na meetings and his counselor (and his job) does anyone have any advice for us? my husband and i don't drink or smoke or anything, so no problem there; i've gotten rid of the couple of bottles of wine that were in the house and purged our medicine cabinets of old prescription meds and so forth. And yes, I know we didn't cause, can't control, and can't cure his addiction. I've mostly come to terms with that, and we're working on it. Still, though, I'm his mom and would like to do what I can to help him in his newfound sobriety. so... advice? thanks!
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Old 09-11-2007, 06:22 PM   #2 (permalink)

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I will pray for you and your son. I haven't had much luck w/ my AD so I'm not quick to offer advice. Her last trip home w/ contract lasted 7 days and the contract was used for TP. She was in treatment for 63 days. People recover every day, I pray your son is one.
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Old 09-11-2007, 06:31 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Just sending some prayers for you and your son. He will do what he will do and nothing you do or don't do will change that. Take care of yourself and trust that God will take care of him. I have found that I can't change my daughter who is also 21 and my addict, but I can change myself and my reactions to her addiction. Hugs, Marle
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Old 09-11-2007, 06:45 PM   #4 (permalink)
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When I allowed my 2o yr old son to come home after rehab it turned out to be a mistake...but I live and learn. The contract + expations we drew up was no defense against his addiction thinking. In hindsight he should have gone to a sober living house. However, he did that after his second rehab and he relapsed that time as well. 3 yrs later and two rehabs and he is still an addict tho only pot/alcohol now not heroin/crack. His best hope for recovery will be a long term treatment or he will age out. It takes what it takes for these young addicts. Some recover early for many it is a long process. I wish your family well.
If tears could build a stairway I'd walk up to Heaven and bring my son home.
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Old 09-11-2007, 08:34 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Welcome, I know how you feel and I am sure you are rather nervous about ths idea. I think for me the most difficult thing to remember was that it was my daughter's recovery and I could not control that any more than I could her addiction...It took me awhile not to drive myself crazy asking about whether she went to a meeting, printing out meeting lists, wondering who she was talking to on the phone,etc. I heard a lot about contracts too but never put it in writing...the clear conversation about boundaries seemed to work better in my case. There were certainly lots and lots ofups and downs in the 6 months she tried to get and stay clean. They say relapse is a part of revovery, but it isn't mandatory.

I too believe a halfway house with others working on recoveryis a good next step whenever possible...helpful for the addict and for the loved ones. But that's just where we ended up after our experience...everyone is different.

I wish you and your son the best and hope you will stick around and that he will choose to take the recovery journey Doubling up on Naranon meetings during this transitional time helped me to stay out of her recovery and to have some much needed support. Hugs

Be strong, but not rude; Be kind, but not weak; Be bold, but not bully; Be humble, but not timid; Be proud, but not arrogant.

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Old 09-11-2007, 09:15 PM   #6 (permalink)
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My ad who is also 21 came home after detox and 30 day rehab. She wanted to go to both of them, she wanted to get clean. She had been at school and home before she went in to rehab. She made sure she had enough tools to handle coming home and trying to stay clean.
I made sure that I had enough recovery of my own to keep my hands off "her" recovery. I had many rolls of duct tape handy to make sure I kept my opinions to myself. I gave advice only when asked and used my famous line "what are your options?" She made sure she had friends who were clean to keep her away from those who weren't.
She had no contract other than if you use, you're out of here. She knew that it would happen and there would be no second chance.
She had found a boyfriend while in rehab, there was another girl who was in rehab with her. They had all made a pact that they would help each other when they got out. The other girl only contacted ad one time and then dropped from sight. The boyfriend is still around and still clean. Ad returned to work after rehab and kept herself very busy for the first week or two. I think those first 2 weeks were the hardest for her. She made plans to try and clean up her financial mess from using and has since done so. She returned to college 3 weeks ago, with her agenda to study hard, improve her GPA and stay clean.
I have stayed out of her way, have never drug tested her and since she came out of rehab have not had reason to doubt her commitment to her recovery.
I made sure she was aware of my commitment to MY recovery.
We went out to dinner to celebrate 60 days clean time. I make sure she knows I'm proud of her.
I pray every day and I am really thankful to have my daughter back.
It's not easy, but you will have my prayers that your son will make it. It's a mom thing.......
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Old 09-12-2007, 08:11 AM   #7 (permalink)

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accept the guidelines from the counselor but feel free to ask his/her opinion on a halfway house. I learned from my son that 30 days is only a drop in the bucket compared to what they need. Consider it like this......a baby crawls for quite a while before he walks and even then he does so unsteadily, clinging to support. It's human nature.
So how can we expect those new to recovery to be any different? Basically if he has used for some time his brain really is only getting the fog lifted not taken completely away. It's gong to take time. My son should have gone to a halfway house after six months clean time on his last rehab but the facility said they had given him the tools.....he lasted six weeks on the out side. We withdrew all support. He was forced to make it on his own. He now has a job and they say he is clean and working hard but I hear from others and what I hear raises flags. But I do not contact him. He knows my number . I wish him well but in my opinion he is not living the program . In fact he is going to a counselor with his wife, attending one Bible Study a week, (sometimes)going to Sunday service(sometimes) but yet refuses to give us an I'm sorry or anything. He says AA doesn't "fit" into his schedule. So to me that isn't living the program.....but I advice....a halfway house until you're both stronger.......take it for what it's worth........dixie
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Old 09-12-2007, 08:58 AM   #8 (permalink)
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My AS is 20. He came out of a 30 day residential program about a year and a half ago. We let him come to our house. This was a huge, huge, huge mistake. He should have went to a sober living house, such as an Oxford House or halfway house. 30 days isn't long enough in recovery. They need so much more "clean time". He relapsed , lived on the streets, went to jail, twice and so much more. We missed him so, that we didn't listen when the counselors advised us to send him to an Oxford House. I think our mistake probably cost a year of active using. You never know of course, thats just my feeling. You can only do what "you" can live with, but If I could do it over, he would go straight to a halfway, do not pass go, do not collect 200 dollars. He recently went to an Oxford house after jail and stayed there about two months, he has recently moved in with a clean friend he met at NA. He has almost 90 days clean. I don't know if an Oxford or something like it is an option for you but if it is then I would definitely reccommend it as strongly as I can.

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Old 09-12-2007, 09:55 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Great responses and feedback before me. Just sending out a welcome.
My 25 yo son is the addict in my life.
Keep coming back for support.
Sending prayers out for you and your son.
“The more you read, the more things you will know. The more that you learn, the more places you'll go.”
- Dr. Seuss, "I Can Read With My Eyes Shut!"
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Old 09-12-2007, 09:23 PM   #10 (permalink)

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Welcome eveningprimrose,
I also let my daughter come home after rehab. She had her relapses. It wasn't easy and I wish she would have gone to a sober living house. But that was in the past. Today she is sober and doing pretty well. She still lives with me and it is not a perfect situation but I am thankful that she is sober. I know you want to do whatever you can to help him to stay on track. I would do the same. Ultimately it is his choice no matter where he lives to stay sober. When I think back of all of the things I did to help her to stay sober.....I wonder just how many of those things were a waste of my time and effort. It was really all up to her.
I wish you and your son the best. There is a lot of support here.....come back.

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Old 09-13-2007, 12:59 PM   #11 (permalink)

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I am so grateful for this forum

My 16 AS is finishing up 45 day wilderness program and will be entering a residential treatment program. Will stay there for 3-5 months depending on how he progresses. Then what. Returning home scares me to death! I dont think it will work out very well, because I cannot and should not keep tabs on his every move, yet he needs to be independent and test his wings. And although he may have successfully completed the treatment programs, I still do not trust that he will have enough inner strength to stay away from the temptations of drugs. So this probably means he goes on to a therapeutic boarding school. The thing that makes me so sad and mad is that he is not getting the normal high school experience,and I literally toggle back and forth between Was he that bad off vs. He needs alot of help. I suppose I am struggling with the acceptance thing. And also wallowing in a lot of guilt...Why wasnt I more successful as a parent? The only thing that seems to make me feel better is knowing that what he learns in these various stints in rehabs will stay with him for a lifetime and will be helpful to him in some way down the road. thanks for listening!
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Old 09-13-2007, 03:04 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Welcome and good luck to you and you family,

I wish that I knew about SR when my AD or AS was 16 years old..... that old saying.... if I knew then, what I know now..... For me, I would have started "recovery" sooo much sooner.
Post often and listen... there are wise ones here....

Where I live (a suburb of Chicago) there is a huge sign on one of the major roadways about 25 miles from downtown Chicago, advertising an office complex for rent .... If you worked here, you would be home by now..... sounds silly, but I wish that all of my family was "home" now...

I guess I am just having some of the "coulda, woulda, shoulda"s" ...

Take Care,


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