sister's marriage to addict is looming...help!

Old 09-10-2007, 02:13 PM
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sister's marriage to addict is looming...help!

Hello all. This is my first post here. What an amazing community you all have here. Thank you in advance for listening to this story.

I come to you because of my sister. Her wedding is about one month away. This weekend she found out her fiance has been using coke for about a year. She was en route to go see him at the hospital when he called and said that he in fact WASN'T at the hospital and HADN'T gotten in a car accident. He was actually at the police station because he got arrested for a driving with a suspended license. In the wake of this confession came many more: his coke use; the lie about the time his car hadn't broken down but he had gotten caught up partying with friends; the fact he had lost his job a month ago but has been pretending to go to work each day for the last month. The list goes on...

My sister is sad. She is mad. She is confused. She is worried about him and his support system. She doesn't know what she is going to do. She told me yesterday that she could *handle* the addiction, that she is not afraid of that, but it is the lying she can't take. I admit, I don't know much about cocaine use but doesn't she seem to be playing it down? Apparently he wants to get sober and has started attending AA (or perhaps NA meetings??) again. (yes, again. The story is that when he was quite young he was court ordered to go to AA because of a DUI or something - at least that is what he said). He's been for three days straight.

A few questions: is it possible to use cocaine for a year and not be addicted? is it possible to overcome addiction by just going to meetings? is it wise to start a brand new job three days sober (supposedly he started a new job today). What should my role with my sister be? My knee jerk reaction is to tell her to run fast and far but I know she loves him dearly. Entering into a marriage thirty days sober sounds stressful if not wholly unwise.

I would be very grateful for any advice you can provide. Thank you again.
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Old 09-10-2007, 02:23 PM
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WOW! your in a predicament arent you! well where do I start.

Cocaine is addictive. its mind altering and all the brain chemicals will be out of whack. If he is one of the many many few that can just stop. the possbility of mood swings, abusive behaviour and lies will still be a reality as his brain tries to figure out what to do and where to start with producing the chemicals to function again.

Meetings help! If he is going then thats a start. I would suggest that your sister sit him down and get the truth about everything first (before the marriage at least) If he is truely willing to be honest and start over. That will be a risk that your sister has to choose if she will trust. Well he has already been lying right?

All addicts are manipulative liers. We get what we want when we want it. Thats part and parcel of the disease. maybe your sister could look at a support group for partners of addicts. There she can hear the pain and suffering that they go through.

Weather she chooses to still marry this guy or not is up to her. all you can do is support her with what ever she chooses. Just try and help her make an informed decision. In recovery we tend to really hold on to those that love us. He will need to be told the rules and boundaries by your sister.

keep us posted with the progress and dont be shy!!

Take care

misslisa
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Old 09-10-2007, 02:32 PM
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Welcome Jen.

IMO the best thing you can do for your sister is just be there for her and lend her support when she asks for it. I had to put myself in your shoes for a minute and if it were my sister I might suggest putting the wedding off for a little bit while her fiance works on his recovery. If he is truly working the program he should understand her concerns.

It is possible for a cocaine addict to recover. My exabf used for about 3 years...almost everyday straight and has been clean now for almost a year. It took a hard rock bottom for him to decide to get there though. Cocaine and crack have more of a mental affect than a physical one so from what I understand the withdrawls are more in the mind........but then again I'm not an addict so I can only go by what I've been told.

Maybe suggest your sister join this forum or attend some Nar-Anon or Alanon meetings in her area so she can be face to face with people who are or have been exactly where she is right now. There's strength in numbers and she doesn't have to go this alone.

You're sis is lucky to have you in her life. Keep coming back. This place is a life saver!!
Hugs
Kris
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Old 09-10-2007, 02:33 PM
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If your sister is saying she can "handle the addiction" then my guess is that she doesn't know very much about what life with an addict is like. The lying, the neglect, the self-centered behaviors, the fact that an addict loves his drug more than he loves her, and later the stealing, the draining of the bank accounts, the joblessness......this is what she is ready and able to "handle"?

If she is this deep into denial, or this committed to getting a ring that she doesn't want to see the reality of what kind of life she is getting herself into, I'm afraid that there isn't much you can do, jen. I would encourage you to help educate her as much as possible. Have her come talk to us out here -- there are people who have been through lots of addict behavior and they will not only say "hey, are you sure?" but also "well, this is what you need to do to take care of yourself"

Tell her you love her, help her to understand the big picture, but that's all you can really do. The ultimate decision is hers; she is making an enormous mistake, but just like with parents & their kids' mistakes, you sometimes have to let them make them. I know it's miserable.

By the way, addicts are the biggest and best liars on earth. You can quote me on this to your sister (and I've suffered through at least a half-dozen of them)

Hugs to you -- you're a good sis

GL
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Old 09-10-2007, 04:20 PM
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You know and I know and everyone else knows the fact that she's going to have a very difficult life if she marries an active addict.
Problem is, it's her choice to make not ours.
Unfortunately, it sounds like she's deep in denial. Sometimes the only way out of denial is to live in it till you get sick of it and realize the truth.

You'd best be making your own boundary lines because there's gonna be a lot of stress and you might get dragged into it.

I am sorry about this. Hopefully she'll at least post pone the wedding until she can think clearer.
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Old 09-11-2007, 03:55 AM
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She told me yesterday that she could *handle* the addiction, that she is not afraid of that, but it is the lying she can't take.
What she doesn't understand is that they are one and the same. Red flags like this tell us there is something wrong, terribly wrong, even though we may not be able to get past our "love" enough to see what it is.

My thoughts are that she might want to postpone the wedding until she can wrap her head around what is happening and what the future will hold for her being married to an active addict.

Given the choice, not one of us would ever make that walk through hell again.

Click on this link and you will see 17 red flags that might wisely be considered before continuing a relationship that is unhealthy.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...gs-repost.html

Welcome to SR, I hope you and your sister will try to attend some live meetings of Alanon, Naranon or CoDA. I promise you they will help.

Hugs

Last edited by Ann; 09-11-2007 at 06:52 AM. Reason: Duh, forgot to put the link in.
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Old 09-11-2007, 04:07 AM
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Jen,
Welcome to this site. Please talk to your sister about reading and joining us here. If she decides to marry in a month she will need as much support as she can get. She has to take steps to protect herself, open separtate bank accounts and make sure enough money goes in there to cover the bills, and some extra. My son is a recovering addict and I would tell anyone to make sure they know what they are getting into. I love my son to death, but I would not want anyone else to go through what I have without all the knowledge for what they are in for.
I pray your sister will at least postpone the wedding to give both of them time to work on their recovery.
The best advise I can give you is to be there for your sister, but also take care of you. You don't want to get drugged into the chaos of an addict.
Saying prayers for you and your sister.
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Old 09-11-2007, 04:17 AM
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Great idea........

That is a wonderful idea of having the sister visit this site and read what life is like for the people who love or loved addicts. When you first love someone you feel that you can get over their little "quirks" but addiction is nothing similar to leaving the cap off the toothpaste or leaving the toilet seat up. Living with an addict will physically and mentally drain the life out of you. A person finds themselves searching for reality or life as they had known it.

I think you should have your sister get on this site and look around...read and gain the knowledge of her future if she gets married to this person. My addict is my daughter...had it been my husband...i would have left a long time ago!
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Old 09-11-2007, 05:42 AM
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This forum has many members who entered into relationships with addict partners.
They share their experience strength and hope here daily.
All here came to know the hell of loving, marrying, living with an active addict.
Your sister may not be ready to take off her rose colored glasses. You can encourage her to think carefully about the red flags she notices. She will do as she will do and you cannot change her, any more than you can stop the wind .
Hugs
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Old 09-11-2007, 07:07 AM
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Addiction is lies.... lots and lots of them. Especially the ones WE tell.... No more! I will NOT tolerate this! You must! You will! I won't! I can't!







What I might do, instead of suggesting she break off the relationship entirely, is to suggest a postponement of the wedding... just to see if he is sincere about his desire to quit and get sober.

If, after another year, he has done so - not much is lost. But if she marries him, and he gains access to all her finances... the cost could and probably will be - very much greater.

Of course - she will do what she will do. We who love addicts are addicted, in our own way... to being NEEDED by them.


((hugs))
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Old 09-11-2007, 12:55 PM
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You guys rock. Truly. Thank you to everyone who took the time to read my post and provide your valuable insight.

There is an update. She has decided to call off the wedding. My throat is constricted as I write this. She is being so brave. I asked her about postponing but she said that she really felt that there needed to be a huge shift for anything to change. She is so torn up inside. I think she is pretty resolute about canceling, though, because she asked me to call the dressmaker this morning (she was going in for her second fitting).

They have been together for almost five years and just moved in together once they got engaged this Spring (traditional family, can you tell?). Through these five years, he really hasn't held down a job for more than a couple of months at a time - we just all thought he was a late bloomer and preferred to be the starving artist type. But maybe he's been using/deceiving for longer than the one year he fessed up to??

She doesn't want to lose him, she tells me. If their partnership was meant to be, he'll seek out and stick to a recovery program and get his &*(^ together. But will she ever trust him enough to commit again?? The next weeks are going to suck big time. I hope he finds his way for his and my sister's sake. I gave my sister information about alanon and naranon meetings in her area - I really hope she goes.

Again, you guys are awesome. Thank you.
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Old 09-11-2007, 03:16 PM
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Jen,
I will keep your sister in my prayers. She will need all the strength she can get and will more than likely ask your for help. I am glad you gave information about attending meetings, they do help. Between this site and the face to face meetings I found the peace I was looking for most of the time. The only other advise I can give both of you is to take it One Day at a Time, and if that is to much to do just take it one minute at a time.
Hugs to both of you
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Old 09-11-2007, 04:09 PM
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Jen,

It is some kind of sick cosmic law that sometimes, when we do the right thing, it hurts like hell.

You're right, the next few days and seeks will be really hard. Your sister is very brave, and so are you. If there's some extra time you can spend with her, just being there and listening, or doing things that will make her feel good about life, now is a good time to do it.

Hugs going out to the both of you.

GL
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