Ups and downs

Old 09-10-2007, 02:48 AM
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Ups and downs

Last week I had a GREAT week. I hadn't felt that okay with myself and connected as I had in a LONG time. I was able to mind my own business and go about living MY life. I was feeling good about who I was and had confidence in my ability to cope with whatever came my way. I honestly cannot stress enough how LONG it is has been (if ever) that I've felt that sense of wholeness with myself.

Yesterday I had a bit of a slip. I woke up back in the "old feelings" and really struggled with maintaining my positivity and newfound detachment. And so, as the story goes I ended up fueling my obsession and codependent crazies towards abf of course and ended up in some insane arguement. Honestly, up until last night I never had a doubt as to whether or not he was being honest with me in terms of staying clean. I gave up my personal power and found myself reacting emotionally. I had worked hard to sever myself emotionally from his every word and action and was so proud of myself for doing so. I was keeping my thinking simple and acting as if in so many situations. And it was working. Last night and yesterday just for that day I gave it up again and became sucked back into reacting and being anxious and obsessive. If I stop taking care of myself in one moment I feel it becomes so much harder to love myself again the next time and return to practicing recovery behaviors.

I find a slight catch 22 for myself in my experience with detachment. The part of me that holds on is the part that feels I must be diligent about finding out the truth in terms of whether or not he is in recovery or not. In reality, this isn't any of my business, but is in the sense that I do not want to have the wool pulled over my eyes. I am SO terrified of feeling "stupid" that it is what makes the pull to obsess and worry and "find the truth" so much more magnetic. I THINK that detachment and letting go are the BEST things for me at the moment, but am afraid if I do this I will end up not seeing red flags or that something will slip by me.
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Old 09-10-2007, 04:52 AM
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Perhpas, in considering your post, you should review why you are in this relationship at all in the first place? Is that harsh? Yes it is.....

But, look at what you wrote. Think how you felt last week. think about whether or not you want to continue in a relationship where you are always wondering:
Is he using?
Is he lying?
Is he cheating?

That is not a relatinship and it certainly is not love.

You felt good all last week detached. Maybe you ought to revisit this expericen and think very hard about what you need to do to keep that goodness going.

Personally I think a relationship with an addict who you don't really trust is just plain poisnonus to our own recovery.

This is not to say that there are no people who are successful in relationships with addicts (both active and in recovery). There are, and they post here.

I am saying that I am not one of those people and could never be. Perhaps you are as well.

You know you deserve to be loved and respected. You know that part of the respect equation is trust and honesty and open-ness. Staying in a relationship with someone you cannot trust, who does not respect you and who may very well love drugs and the life of that more than he loves you will deprive you of that.

It is likely it will also deprive you of recovery.. and you experienced how good that feels all last week.

You have choices and recovery is not easy. Be kind to yourself and think about this.
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Old 09-10-2007, 07:05 AM
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I think that I was not ready to post on the forum yet- I wasn't in a safe enough place with myself yet.
I feel better about myself than I have in a long time.
I must trust that I am where I should be and learning to take care of myself is a bumpy ride, but worth it.
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Old 09-10-2007, 07:59 AM
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Smile

Early in recovery friends in Alanon and my wonderful sponsor told me just to keep
keeping on as they were with me every moment of the rollercoaster ride.
Ups and downs? Oh yessss. I so relate.
You are growing and trusting in the process. Good for you! Just go back and read your threads from a short time ago to see how far you've come. Your recovery is shining Heather.
Hugs
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Old 09-10-2007, 10:08 AM
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Finding out the truth of whether or not he is in recovery? Consider you absolutely cannot know this today or tomorrow. That's a 100% certain uncertainty and you
Heather are 100% powerless over him and everything he does or does not do today
and tomorrow.

Not wanting to feel "stupid"? OK I get what you're saying. The obsession to "know" what cannot be known is a major codie
trap and trait. Or in other words wanting to know is a codie's illusion of being in control and abandoning our very selves, our own precious life and reality. It takes time and lots of practice to let go of the need to "know" an addict's intentions and reality. It's a pattern every codie I've ever known, myself included, develops as a result of living in the insanity of both codie and addict addictions. I've been there.
Today I have the wonderful recovery tools let go of old, negative, worn out patterns of thinking and living.
You have them too ((( Heather))) and you are applying them to your life. Keep keeping on one day at a time. Progress not perfection. None of us does recovery or life "perfectly" LOL.
We are all beautifully imperfect human beings, not saints or angels. We may
have a bit of "angel " LOL in us and still our nature is a complex mix of all that is human.
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Old 09-10-2007, 04:36 PM
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Heather -

What you wrote sounds pretty normal in the journey of recovery. As time goes on, I find that recovery is meant in terms of me - not my RAH. You had a taste of serenity last week - that is awesome. It took me at least 18 months of recovery before I even felt an hour like that! I've found that once I finally got a taste of that serenity that I want more. I want that even more than anything to do with my RAH. It has become much more important to me than anything else.

I always use to wonder how family members/loved ones could be so cavalier about not worrying about whether the addict is using or not. Now, I'm beginning to understand. I know that I'd find out soon enough if he used or lied. I won't pretend that the "worry" thoughts don't appear but it's a million times better. As much as I hate to admit it, my recovery does better the longer that RAH has stayed clean. It took about a year of his recovery to quit worrying so much. How that corresponds to my recovery I'm not really sure.

As I begin to trust myself and address my fears in the 4th step I see where I need to focus my work....faith without works is dead and I can see that I still have lots of work to do.

At least now you know what serenity looks like! Thinking about you - Donna
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Old 09-10-2007, 04:56 PM
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My serenity comes and goes but its more about me and my mentality and emotions than the addict.

I have learned one thing for certain the more focus I put on me, and my life the more things fall into place and at that time it doesnt matter where AH is here or there or if he calls.

Its great to have a partner we can share our lives with, but its not all magically working and it is healthy to be able to still have your life no matter where they are.

Does this make sense?
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Old 09-11-2007, 03:21 AM
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Thank you all for your responses.

I am still working on the mentality that I am whole and complete just being alone. I get frustrated with the process because it can feel so good and so simple to believe myself worthy one minute and than the next when I cave into the negative thoughts I am overwhelmed by their physical and mental power and I regress. Then I beat myself up for regressing and it makes it harder to get back to the place I once was at. When I can feel and believe in my own strength and adequacy and not wallow in the fear of being defective or fragmented I feel in control of my life.

Last week, by God's grace I was able to feel the detachment and freedom from fear. I felt okay about myself that I wasn't going to be paralyzed or knocked into insanity if the addict started using again. I was able to differentiate between our "stuff" and accept my lack of control and no longer allow that to be the dominating focus of my day.
This is where One Day at a Time fits in for me. If I am concentrating on making it through this day with my sanity intact and taking care of me it seems alot more manageable, but if I am going crazy beating myself up about making the right decision or telling myself that staying in this relationship and loving this man are weak things to do- it is really just keeping me stuck and preventing me from returning the focus to me. Once I believe I am worthy of focusing on my own life and that I am whole and adequate alone- accepting the unknown feels alot easier.

Once we trust ourselves to take care of ourselves - making decisions with us in mind first and foremost becomes so much easier. And so the challenge for me is trying to get back to that spot. I need to stop giving myself the mental beatings that I am pathetic for regressing to the reacting and obsessive behaviors I reexperienced. I had told myself I'd never react that way again - in fact I was even in a place where I was astounded at how I'd acted to begin with and couldn't imagine going back there. I keep praying for strength.

Maybe this is a test in learning to navigate the waters of recovery.
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Old 09-11-2007, 05:15 AM
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Lightseeker, you used to wonder how family members/ loved ones could be so cavalier or uncaring about not worrying about whether the addict is using or not.
At one time I wonderd the same. It seemed peculiar to me.
The opposite of cavalier is nice. To me, prior to grasping what healthy detachment was, "nice" meant continuing to be other concerned, caring and loving, accompanied by worrying.
Codies tend to want to be nice while considering the addict is not nice. I know I thought that way once upon a time. It's the codie one upmanship.
Detachment is neither caring ( nice) nor uncaring (cavalier). It is a brave choice for a more peaceful mind and heart.
Hugs

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Old 09-11-2007, 07:47 AM
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Hi Heather,

The waters of recovery are certainly choppy, aren't they? One day, for me, it will be smooth sailing in paradise, and the very next I can be tossed around around like a cork on high seas.

The progress you've made is obvious: you see now what a good week is like. You see that they are possible, and that it's possible to practice until you can knit them together into a good month, a good year. There will never NOT be rough times....the question is how you calmly put yourself back in the state where you're feeling good again.

To be specific: What might have triggered this slide backward? Were you eating well? Were you getting the same amount of sleep, or less? Were you stressed out by a project or an assignment or exam? Were you taking B vitamins, getting enough sunlight and fresh air? Is it hormonal -- is this a time when physically it will always be bumpy (I find that when I look back in my journals, my good days AND bad days are pretty predictable that way ) Did you talk to your boyfriend too much/too little/did he change his way of interacting with you somehow?

Understanding is 90% of the battle. On a certain level, we are elaborate machines that can be manipulated so our brains are more under control. It makes it so that you're no longer just buffeted by the winds, completely out of control -- you learn to let go of the panic of backsliding and gently steer yourself back to shelter again.

We can't be assured of complete recovery and peace all the time. But we can get better at understanding the triggers that pull us away from this ideal, and recommit ourselves to navigating back toward that place we'd prefer to be, where we do our best work as human beings.

You'll be fine. Just think -- a few months ago, could you have imagined you'd have a whole WEEK where you felt good about yourself? Next -- maybe try for 10 days!!!

Progress, not perfection.

Hugs,
GL
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Old 09-11-2007, 10:03 AM
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Hi Heather,
I have the same ups and downs. I think we struggle because we are also changing our own 'addicitions'. Everyday is a battle for me, but the battles are less volitile and hopefully will become fewer. All we can do is pray and work on us!
susan
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