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Old 09-05-2007, 03:52 PM
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Ha Ha Ha

I really shouldn't be laughing but you all know my AH is on pain meds for his back which is his DOC. For the most part since I took over handing him his meds he has been doing pretty good up until this last prescription. He was steaing them frrom me. More than usual. Well he is about to run out and the doctor wont write him a new script until Monday. He has to go all weekend without them. I laughed and said you should have thought about that when you were taking 4 at a time. I really think its funny. I guess he thought the doctor would go ahead and write it. The only drawback is that now that he is going to be out of his percoset, he will probably get some kind of crap from the idiots he works with. Then I will have to deal with that. So in a way its funny and in a way its not.

Actually none of it is funny, but I am to the point that I cant help but laugh. I feel delerious when I think of his addiction, and when do I not think of it? Its in my face 24/7. I cant get away from it.

I am so sick of this life. I guess I just need your prayers that he will use better judgement and not get crap from them and just deal with it. Long stretch, but hey its worth a shot.

I feel like such a whiny baby, complain complain complain, but yet I seem to be stuck and cant make the changes I need to make. All of you please bear with me until I have the courage.

His mother tells me she feels like something big is going to happen soon. I am hoping that the pain clinic they are sending him to will be our break, but who knows. I always thought that putting a pain pump in him would be the most horrible thing in the world, but right now I think it would be like heaven. I wouldnt have to dole out meds anymore or worry about him stealing them, and then I know he couldnt take anything else on top of it cause I am sure they would test him, and if he likes the pump then he wont want to screw that up. We dont see them until the 21st though. That seems like forever and away.

I hope I can make it until then. And even then I am putting big hopes and expectations into this visit that I know I shouldnt but right now I feel that is all I have. Hope that a solution is heading my way, or at least a break for me.

I must sound so selfish, but I have the right to be. I hate him today. I hate what he has turned me into. I hate what I have let him turn me into. I have become such an angry bitter person. Untrusting of everyone around me. Questioning my faith constantly cause I just cant understand why HP would let my AH to continue down this path. Why doesnt he intervene? I know I enable, but the only thing I do really is handle his meds for him. As far as I know he isn't doing anything illegal to get caught for unless he gets caught getting them from the guys at work. It seems like with the "legitimate" back problems he has that there will never be a bottom for him. It has never caused him to go to jail or anything like that. Im starting to feel like if he ever hits a bottom it will be death from od'ing or killing his liver. Can I hang on that long?

I dont even know what this post is for. I guess just somewhere to get my feelings out. It seems like the more I try to help him by giving him his meds, the more he tries to steal them. Why do I keep wasting my energy when he does not even want help? WHY?

With the exception of my son, I wish I had never met AH. Wish I had never laid eyes upon him. Wish I could go back in time but still have my son. Right now, my son is the only reason I can see for HP putting me in AH's path.

Im sorry this is so long. I am just depressed and angry.
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Old 09-05-2007, 03:58 PM
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There is hope for those who are in chronic pain and addicts. We can hit bottom. I know, I did. I hope he gets on the pump. I wish they offered my pain medication in a pump. Then I wouldn't have to worry about getting the highs and lows I do on my regular meds.

However, he won't quit until he is ready. I know that frustration, I had that with my mother until I cut her out of my life. I told her not to call, changed my number and sent her a letter letting her know she can write whenever she wants. She has yet to write me almost a year later. Her choice, she has not reached her bottom yet. I just recite the three C's when I get stressed out over her. Take care Wendy
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Old 09-05-2007, 04:00 PM
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******{Wendy}}}}}
It may not be much...but here's a hug to let you know that somebody cares about YOU. Hang in there.

Last edited by cmc; 09-05-2007 at 04:00 PM. Reason: typo
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Old 09-05-2007, 04:02 PM
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Alera, thank you. I sometimes forget there are double winners here. I didn't mean to offend you in any way. As much as I hated the thought of the pump I think now that I will suggest it first thing. I would be so much less stressed if I didnt have responsibility over his meds. We wnt through this before in 2005 when he had his surgery. He had me fooled thinking it was all over, but about 6 months later I knew it wasnt and I gave up helping. He asked for my help this time and so I have been trying but I am getting ready just to throw his bottles at him and say I give up. I am sorry your mother has done this. I cant imagine not having my mother in my life. But I guess you have to do what you have to do to take care of Alera. Thanks! ((((HUGS))))
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Old 09-05-2007, 04:05 PM
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CMC, a hug from you guys is one of the best things in the world. It does help. I feel so, I dont know what the word is. I feel too grown up. I guess I have been dealing with this for so long now that I want someone to put their arms around me and tell me everything is going to be okay. I want someone to take care of me for awhile ya know? Thanks for the hug.
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Old 09-05-2007, 04:44 PM
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Originally Posted by WENDYLOST101 View Post
Alera, thank you. I sometimes forget there are double winners here. I didn't mean to offend you in any way. As much as I hated the thought of the pump I think now that I will suggest it first thing. I would be so much less stressed if I didnt have responsibility over his meds. We wnt through this before in 2005 when he had his surgery. He had me fooled thinking it was all over, but about 6 months later I knew it wasnt and I gave up helping. He asked for my help this time and so I have been trying but I am getting ready just to throw his bottles at him and say I give up. I am sorry your mother has done this. I cant imagine not having my mother in my life. But I guess you have to do what you have to do to take care of Alera. Thanks! ((((HUGS))))
I didn't take offense. When I come to post here, I am posting about my problems of having a family member who abuses drugs. Don't ever worry about it.

I can only imagine your frustration. I have to have someone hold my meds and I could never imagine taking them from her again. I did once, that was MY bottom. I've been climbing up ever since!
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Old 09-05-2007, 06:08 PM
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(((((Wendy))))) Here's another hug for you ~ Try to remember this too shall pass. And until it does, remember we're here for you, and praying!!!!!
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Old 09-05-2007, 06:14 PM
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Originally Posted by WENDYLOST101 View Post
I dont even know what this post is for. I guess just somewhere to get my feelings out.
Actually sweetpea, I'm glad to see you posting more. You may not see it, but IMO your reaching out more is a good thing. I see some big changes in you my friend.

I remember the day my exabf's crack dealer was arrested. Like you I had a chuckle over it. I thought to myself......."Now what you stupido?? Whatcha gonna do now??" I don't know why I was so suprised to find out he just got it somewhere else, but that's the nature of the beast I suppose.

I keep both you and your AH in my thoughts and prayers daily. Keep posting Wendy. It does so much good just to let it all out! Love ya girl!!
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Old 09-05-2007, 07:11 PM
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Sending you my hugs too, Wendy. Just keep looking at that little boy of yours and know how much he needs and loves his mommy. Marle
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Old 09-05-2007, 07:43 PM
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Just sending some more big HUGS your way.

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Old 09-05-2007, 09:29 PM
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(((((Wendy)))))

I definitely relate to the feeling of sometimes wanting someone else to be strong and to be held and told it is going to be all right. Having that when it is truly needed is one of the best blessings in life, I think.



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Old 09-06-2007, 05:07 AM
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((((Wendy))))
Sending you hugs and prayers that you find the strength YOU need. You are getting stronger even if you don't feel like it. I know it hurts to feel like even your HP has turned his back on you, but remember he hasn't, he will continue to walk right next to you and at times he will carry you.
I too felt at times that the worse thing to happen to me was meeting my ex, not an addict. But the best thing to come out of it was our two children. Hold your little boy when you need a hug. Kids give the best ones out there, and they really mean it, unlike some adults.
Keep posting here, we all need to vent at times and this is such a safe place to do it.
I am keeping you in my daily prayers. Will add extra prayers that your AH will get the help he needs from the doctors.
More hugs coming to you,
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Old 09-06-2007, 05:31 AM
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((((((((Wendy)))))))))




Sending prayers for relief for you, my friend.
I'm so sorry for what you've taken on.
Your husband's addiction, imho, is something, I fear, that could happen to any one of us. My husband has pain, but he abuses over the counter pain relievers. ie: advil, tylenol, ect. I've told him about the liver damage that they can cause, but he says he'd rather do those than to get 'scripts written and become addicted to meds.
He has back pain, bad knees from years of baseball, and bone spurs in his heels.
Which he should have operated on, but won't.
Your in my thoughts today, sweetie, and I love ya.
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Old 09-06-2007, 06:16 AM
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((((Wendy))))
I know I could not be where you are. I would have walked away. I went thru similar (but not the same) with my x husband the alcoholic. I went thru almost 20 years of my precious life. Then I walked away. His mental illness had become my problem. His alcoholism had become my problem. One day I decided to hand those problems back to him and I walked away to start to take care of me.

I did not make my X Asexual. I did not make my X Alcoholic. I did not make my X depressed. I did not make my x's bad knees (carrying an xtra 100 pounds of weight around did that). I did not make my X overweight. I was not going to dole out the food, alcohol or anti anxiety pills or sleep aids or any of the rest of it any more, even tho he had asked me to.

You have every right to speak your mind... that is what SR is for. I hope things work out for you on the path you have chosen. I will pray for you that it does.
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Old 09-06-2007, 06:27 AM
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((((wendy))))

I hate that you are going through this. Its sucks the big one. I know. I did it. When there is a legitimate reason for them to be taking the meds their on (like my H with his anxiety disorder and xanax) and then they start to abuse them sometimes we feel lost. I knew he needed something for the panic attacks because I'd witnessed them and could see how badly they were affecting him but it was killing me to know that xanax was his relief and his downfall in one little pill.

You keep doing what you are doing by going to your meeting on Friday nights. Little by little, even if you don't think you are "getting" it while you are there, you are hearing them and taking in what they say. Also, I've been to a Celebrate Recovery meeting and they are fantastic but a Naranon meeting focuses specifically on ME, as a loved one, and I know at times that that was what I needed. Do you have a meeting near you? I can't remember.

Wendy, heres some super, giant, fantastic hugs to you girl. ((((((((((((((((((((Wendy))))))))))))))))))))))))) ))))))))
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Old 09-06-2007, 06:41 AM
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Thanks everyone for the encouragement. I need it so much right now. Thank you for all your love and support. I dont think I have ever had a better group of friends. Everyone of you means more to me than you can imagine.

For right now I am going to keep trudging through. I think right now it is the only choice I have. I will keep going to my meetings and I will keep listening and praying. Hopefully HP will send me and AH in the right direction.

Again, thank you all. With BIG LOVE from me to everyone of you!
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Old 09-06-2007, 07:00 AM
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(((((Wendy)))
On many occassions I have felt the same way about my HP and "why?"
On a bad day, I sometimes still go there (what can I say other than I'm not perfect..."yet" )
But when I can think clearly I remind myself that having prayers answered is not always getting what I want.
There have been many times that having prayers answered required me standing up and saying "no...no more"
It was me that struggled with the answers that had already been given.
Hang in there Wendy, as others have said, we're walking with you.
(((Hugs)))
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Old 09-06-2007, 08:21 AM
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The pain clinic may be a great help.

Huggles and caring thoughts coming your way Wendy.
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Old 09-06-2007, 09:03 AM
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(((Wendy)))
I am sorry for what you are going through. I will think about you and keep you in my prayers. You know where to go to find answers, be it your HP or here. These people are so great at giving the right answers even if you don't want to hear it. I am in awe of you and your ability to give advice to me, when you are going through something far worse than I am. You have the strength to get through this even if you don't think you do.

Have a great day
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Old 09-10-2007, 06:43 AM
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sending hope and prayers your way
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