devastated

Well, the circle isn't broken!

Today I spoke to my son. He told me my grandaughter, his daughter, whom I haven't seen or spoken to since her mother "hid" her 12 years ago, has been trying to call me. She is the grandaughter that had a baby in May. The one I was all excited about finally getting back in contact with my son. The one that read him his life! The one that blames him for being an absent-t-father! The one that I was hoping to get back in touch with.

I said, I hadn't gotten any such call. He said, she's calling "COLLECT!"

Collect? Why? Well, my son said, her boyfriend, and the father of her child, is in jail for 6 months and has no means of support. Why is he in jail? For drugs, my son explained.

What? Do you really think I want to begin this all over again with my grandaughter and her boyfriend? Do you really think I want to get attached to her and her child and start this circle all over again? Do you really think I want someone else calling me collect, and wanting help?

My son said, "Fine, I will tell her not to contact you then!" He fell right back into his old hateful ways. You know, when they can't have their way, they start turning everything around. Well, that ain't going to work with me anymore! You go right ahead and have yourself a hissyfit! If you want to tell her not to call me "collect" that would be a good idea. Tell her not to contact me, as I do not need anymore saddness in my life. I certainly do not need another person trying to "use" me either.

Sound hard? Unfortunately, that's how I have become. I'm tired of my son using me and I refuse to start all over again with the grandaughter now.

He was furious with me for saying this. He said we finally get her back in our lives and now you refuse to accept her calls. He said she needs help. I said I'm sure she does and that will be his job, not mine!

I told him it was his turn to take care of his child and his grandchild, and not to depend on me to do this.

I especially do not want to get involved with her if she has a drug addicted boyfriend. I frankly do not want this guy to know us or where we live!

I told him she can call me when she doesn't have to call collect.

The sad part here is, I don't even feel remorseful about my decision! Quite frankly, I'm tired of addicts!

Maybe now my son will know I mean business. For the first time in my life, I'm not worried about hurting his feelings! Tough! From now on, it's his responsibility to take care of himself, and his daughter and grandaughter. I'm done taking care of anyone except Mr. Dev and me!

Wow! Hope I don't have the Italian Remorse tomorrow!

Hugs, Dev

ladyamalthea

I love it! Man I could learn a lot from you...

I am so impressed that you had the strength to stand up to him like that. You certainly don't need anymore people begging you for things... what comes to my mind is that this might even be the main reason she is trying to call you. I hope that's not the case, but my mind cannot help but wander...

Either way, I'm with ya on that one. I (hopefully) would have done the same thing

Lovestoomuch

Awwww.........Geez Dev! I'm sorry to hear about your grandaughter and the situation she finds herself in.

I must say though.....harsh or not, I don't blame you one bit for not wanting to have another go around with this type of situation and the fact you know you'll just end up being used......which is really sad to me. You don't hear anything for years and now all of the sudden your help is needed?? That's a pretty good indication of things to come all by itself.

Your a really strong lady and I admire that so much!! I know how much you love your family, but you're right. It's time to take care of you and Mr. Dev.

CatsPajamas

Dev,

Your recovery is shining BIG time. I'm very impressed that you are able to detach at this level. You're my hero.

BIG hugs
Cats

devastated

Thanks for understanding where I'm coming from, and agreeing with me. I mean, I can see the handwriting on the wall here.

Anyway, talking with ya'll is like having my Mamma here. She was great! She always listened and then best of all, agreed with me! God I miss her!

What I would really love to see here is my Grandaughter call me, not collect, and just say, "Hi Grandma, I've sure missed you. I want you to see my baby!" What I don't want to hear is another sad story of need!!

After all, she has her mother and her other grandmother that she has been in touch with all these years. They should be helping her. I blame her mother for keeping her away from us for the past 12 years. Those were the years I might have made a difference in her life. Perhaps she wouldn't be in this situation had we been in touch all these years.

I'm so furious that my son NOW EXPECTS me to accept collect calls from her too! Let's just see who can hold out longer! Him or me!!!

I was 17 years old and married and on my own. Never asked for anyone's help for anything! Damn time all these people start growing up!

Thanks for listening to me vent!

Hugs, "Acid tongue" Devastated

Lovestoomuch

Oh.........I think you've got this!

marle

Dev, I am behind you 100%. People (not just addicts) need to take responsibility for themselves. They may need to struggle and not have everything that they want for a while, but I worked hard my whole life and it has paid off for me. Others need to do the same. And it is probably good not to get attached to the grandchild and great grandchild until you know that the attachment will be something that you can enjoy, which is the way it should be. Hugs, Marle

bookmiser

(((((Dev))))))

Hope your not suffering from Italian Remorse this morning sweetie.
I think your strength and determination about the situation is so great.
We could all learn alot from that.
Stick to your guns. If she shows up on your doorstep just to say hello and
try to build a relationship...
I say great.
Sorry to say, this doesn't sound like it right now.
Many times my son would call just to "see how your doing".
Yeah, right.
Always with a hidden agenda.
Sad, but true.
He's sorry now and says he only did what addicts do to survive. How true.
Steel your heart, sweetie. For now.
Praying that she and her baby have a good life without the cloud of addiction following.
Special hugs and prayers to you for being a Recovery Icon.
Love ya, Dev.
Linda
P.S. You've been here for me since I first arrived and you continue to share some amazing recovery. Watch her shine, folks!
For you, dear lady...

hope213

dev, thank you for your post. i understand exactly where you are coming from. i will NOT start this over with my grandchildren. all of mine were raised near enough that i am really close to them. i do not know if you remember my post on my grandson last summer or not. as of now he is in a locked faucility,5 months now. i am sticking by him while he is there but when he gets out & if he starts the same ole crap again i will not stand by him. he was doing drugs,sneaking out the window at nite,lying & probley stealing.some of it while staying with me 6 months.he is 15 yrs. old. his sister is 17yrs. old & was arrest about 3 weks ago for drinking under age,resisting arrest, & i do not remember what else.( she had run away from her other grandparents,whom raised her.) i will not even start this crap with her. they belong to my a.s. whom he did not raise because of being in prison so many times he was not here.my son thinks it is terrible i will not let little j. come back here. ha!! like he was a great father.i will not take abuse from any body.talk all they want but i will not do it & neither will any other family memeber. you are doing the right thing.we had no recovery in our life until now & we know how to take care of ourselves & do not have to answer to anyone why we do or feel as we do. i am saying a prayer for your grand daughter,your son ,you & your family. hugs,hope

devastated

Bookmiser, you hit the nail right on the head! This is what I was trying to convey to my son. See, I feel just like you and that is, if she came to my doorstep just to say "Hi, I've missed you!" Great. However, I flat refuse to be used again and start this all over. Thanks for your support.

Marle: How true, how true. People have to take responsibility for themselves. I asked my son if she is working and he said, "HOW?" How? Find a way to help support the child. In the past, with him, I got myself in such a mess by paying his fines and bail, that I got jobs cleaning houses. Do you know how many floors I scrubbed to pay for his messes??? Mr. Dev would kill him if he knew. One bailbondsman years ago let me pay him monthly. Then, there was the phone bills and packages and money on the books. I did this in the AM's and worked in our restaurant in the PM. Tired? Nope, because it was for my son...how could I be tired??

No, I refuse to go through all this again. I may be wrong in thinking all she wants from me is another person to help her, but as I said to my son, when she can call me without calling collect, I would love to talk with her. You're right about getting attached to another child too! Man, have I thought about that. I neither want or need that at this age. Incidentally, a phone call from where she lives to me, would probably cost less than $1. What baloney!

Hi Hope, gosh how sad. This is the same situation as my sons. Two children 19 and 16 with an absent-t father and a mother that was just as bad. Poor kids didn't have a chance. We were the only stability they had in their lives and she took us out of the equation years ago. Now, let her deal with what she did or did not do in raising them. I flat refuse to be bullied into taking care of anyone else!

As I told my son, this is now your responsibility. Do for them now what you failed to do in the past. BE A FATHER! I frankly don't care if he ever calls again with the attitude he had yesterday. Quess he figured I would love to care for more problems.

If that is what he thinks, he has not learned anything yet! When I told him this was the last time I would stand by him, I meant it! It's getting easier and easier to stand up and say NO!

Hugs, Devastated

frankie_b

Dev, your Italian wisdom LOL is shining. Absolutely this business with son's daughter
is his to deal with. He can step up to the plate and be a father or not without leaning on you to help grandaughter. You sure don't need any more problems on your doorstep.
Enjoy this time of your life with Mr Dev. You deserve every bit of peace and serenity.
You've done plenty for others.
Hugs

Wascally Wabbit

I remember your story.
I must say that my mother does the guilt trip on me all the time.
When I don't act a certian way, when my house isn't as clean as SHE wants it, and a host of other things that don't go her way, she starts the guilt trips.
I finally had enough of it and I have lovingly started to remind her I am a grown woman who can make my own life. I have had to rearrange the way I talk to her. I used to cow down, but now, I stand up for myself.
What ever reaction she has is hers to own.

I am sorry your son has to be like this. He's only alienating himself from people who care.
But, that's his problem, not yours. You've been there. Now you're tired of it all.
We do need a rest from it don't we?

Ladybugg

Good for you Dev. I can't think of any better way than that to handle that situation. When I get that "feeling" to jump right in and save the day...i recognize that I need to back off. You have no reason to feel bad...NONE at all!!

Elana

Support and agreement from this corner too.. so there it is.. you are doing the right thing as per Codies from Coast to Coast!

(((Dev)))
You and Mr. Dev are just the BEST.

devastated

Son called again today, but I didn't answer his call. He left a criptec message because with collect calls you can only get a couple of words out. He said, "Only accept X's calls!" Guess what he is now asking me to do is only accept her calls and not his, thus cutting the phone bill down.

Guess he doesn't understand that the bill is only part of the problem. The worse part of this is she will probably have a really sad, sad, story to tell. Although, I may be wrong here, as she has yet to contact me, so I may be jumping the gun here.

In any event, Frankie hit the nail right on the head in saying that he can step up to the plate now and help his own. Maybe and only maybe will he ever know what it's like to spend every waking moment trying to help your child. Thank you God for letting me live long enough to witness "payback!"

Will keep you all informed

Hugs, Devastated

pjbs55

Dev,
You have some great strength. It is time for you to really enjoy your life. As far as your granddaughter goes, she is part of the ME generation. You owe ME, you need to help ME, it is not fair to ME. I feel that the rest of us should turn into the ME generation now, I am going to do for ME, I am going to take care of ME. Let the younger ones see how it feels, and let us take back our own lifes. We worked hard for what we have, let them learn to work hard for what they want.
I am glad you are ok, with what you are doing, I know how hard it is to say NO to a child. You give the rest of us hope that maybe we can do it too, soon.
Love and hugs to you,

frankie_b

Good for you Dev holding onto your boundary and not answering his call. Son is pushing to break through it. Oh well! He's learning you mean what you say and to respect you as well. Our adult addict kids have plenty of lessons to learn about life.
Let them.
My AS has tried to get my help with taking his hot coals out of the fire/ cleaning up his wreckage. No's my answer too.
I think your hunch about grandaughter having a sad story to tell is
right. You can always trust your intuition. Your recovery shines.
Have a wonderful, serene, happy taking care of you day.
Hugs

Ann

Dev, I've been away for the weekend but what a wonderful post to come home to.

You shine, girl, I'm wearing my sunglasses to protect my eyes!!!

I totally understand where you are coming from. In a perfect world, our grandchildren would call and bring their babies and we'd all have tea and tell stories of the family and laugh and make memories.

In OUR world, they come and hand us the baby and some sob story of how they need money which will only go to drugs and it just gets old.

Good for you. I'm doing the happy dance.

Love Ya Dev and praying for the rest.

CatsPajamas

Doing the happy dance with you - life is good when your boundaries are in place!!

abtchonamission

(((((Dev)))))

See, I was right when I said when I grow up I wanna be you and Ann...you shine so brightly.