My heart just can't take this -- again
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Calif
Posts: 1,007
Hello Punished
I'm sorry I thought I had responded to this post before, but guess I hadn't.
Just to let you know I lived your post! I've walked your path many, many, times. I've been there where you are more times than I want to remember. They were horrible times, and they never get easier.
Like you, I just wanted to get in the car and keep on going. Never looking back; however, we all know that that's not an option. Too bad huh? It would be so much easier than to stay here and face the chaos each day.
I, too, know what it's like to wake up after a restless night only to remember, first thing, of the problems looming over me (him?) I hate to even remember those times. So many of them too!
I, too, visualized my son dead somewhere and the dreaded phone call. I even went so far as to plan his funeral! OH MY GOD, the mind can be a terrible enemy.
I, too, can relate to that phone call with the words, "their coming to arrest me!"
I cried until I couldn't open my eyes anymore! What for? They came, they arrested him; he lost everything he worked so hard for; he served his time, just to get out and do it all over again!
What can we say or do except blame God for doing this to us. I've done that many times. I blamed God for sending this child to me to care for (because he's adopted) just to take him away over and over again. Want to talk about feeling like a failure??
All I can tell you after going through this for so many years, is it isn't God who is punishing us. It is, however, God who has been trying to get our attention. It is God who is asking us to let go, and let Him handle the problems.
You believe it or not, one night I prayed so hard for God to help me and the next morning when I woke, there were not the usual tears streaming down my face. I thought that's strange because the problems were all still in place. Did I dream all this? Nope, the problems were still there; however, I felt like some great weight had been lifted off my shoulders, honest! I can't tell you how much relief I felt at that moment.
Guess what I'm trying to say here is, it isn't God punishing us, it's us punishing ourselves. We need to turn these problems over to our Higher Power and believe that whatever lies in store for our children will happen no matter how much we cry. We just don't have the power to change anything. We do, however, have the power to trust in our HP.
Just remember, you're not alone here you've got lots of company. Call us anytime! One more thing to remember and that is, THIS, TOO, SHALL PASS!
Hugs, Devastated
Just to let you know I lived your post! I've walked your path many, many, times. I've been there where you are more times than I want to remember. They were horrible times, and they never get easier.
Like you, I just wanted to get in the car and keep on going. Never looking back; however, we all know that that's not an option. Too bad huh? It would be so much easier than to stay here and face the chaos each day.
I, too, know what it's like to wake up after a restless night only to remember, first thing, of the problems looming over me (him?) I hate to even remember those times. So many of them too!
I, too, visualized my son dead somewhere and the dreaded phone call. I even went so far as to plan his funeral! OH MY GOD, the mind can be a terrible enemy.
I, too, can relate to that phone call with the words, "their coming to arrest me!"
I cried until I couldn't open my eyes anymore! What for? They came, they arrested him; he lost everything he worked so hard for; he served his time, just to get out and do it all over again!
What can we say or do except blame God for doing this to us. I've done that many times. I blamed God for sending this child to me to care for (because he's adopted) just to take him away over and over again. Want to talk about feeling like a failure??
All I can tell you after going through this for so many years, is it isn't God who is punishing us. It is, however, God who has been trying to get our attention. It is God who is asking us to let go, and let Him handle the problems.
You believe it or not, one night I prayed so hard for God to help me and the next morning when I woke, there were not the usual tears streaming down my face. I thought that's strange because the problems were all still in place. Did I dream all this? Nope, the problems were still there; however, I felt like some great weight had been lifted off my shoulders, honest! I can't tell you how much relief I felt at that moment.
Guess what I'm trying to say here is, it isn't God punishing us, it's us punishing ourselves. We need to turn these problems over to our Higher Power and believe that whatever lies in store for our children will happen no matter how much we cry. We just don't have the power to change anything. We do, however, have the power to trust in our HP.
Just remember, you're not alone here you've got lots of company. Call us anytime! One more thing to remember and that is, THIS, TOO, SHALL PASS!
Hugs, Devastated
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 6
Thank you all
Hello everyone and thanks for all the kind words, the hugs, just being there. For the last day or so, my log in was being rejected.
Update: On his own, he went into a facility to have an assessment done. I guess the wife taking the baby was his (current - i hate to be optomistic) bottom. She's not helping matters though, the hand is out for "money for the baby" and nothing of encouragement. Nice.
Anyway, he had his assessment, because he lost his job, there is no insurance so there was the scramble for funding. He wants to come off the methodone but any facility at this time will only keep him on maintenance. So guess what? He's at the house, alone, withdrawling. He thinks and a friend of his told him, that this could only make him stronger. I read so much on what will happen, we talked til we were blue in the face that it's going to get so bad, you are going to want to give in to temptation. That infamous "i know". I made it perfectly clear I'm not falling for tears, for lip service for any of this crap. This is the first time I have ever seen this type of pain coming through his heart. His uncle spent the last couple days with him and sees the same. We don't tell him that, we just talk among ourselves.
Maybe i'm rambling and not making perfect sense, but this is a good day.
I guess my heart isn't into turning my back on him. THere's always that "one last time" huh? So, there are three of us, looking after him, doing what we can, but no one (pardon the expression) is wiping his butt. He's on his own to learn what he needs to learn and make things right in the world.
He asked for help retrieving his car from where he crashed it and I said NO, flat out, no explanation. He seemed to accept it. I did in fact bring him some food, because I did some major reading on what happens to your body in withdrawal. Aside from that, it is in my nature to feed anyone, so regardless of his recent actions, it would be something I would just do for a stranger.
I spoke to doctors and counsellors for my own piece of mind. I spoke to a dear friend who has been in recovery for more years that I can remember, so my heart is on the mend. My head, well...that's going to take a little more time.
Time will tell. There's always a chance this could be ~the~ time. Don't want to turn my back if it is.
I read all about that detachment, but that's something I can't learn overnight. In the meantime, I'm going to hit a few support meetings for my own piece of mind. I know God is around me, I'm just sick and tired of the same bullsh*t for so long. This has been my life. His father and now the son. I just want some peace before I die.
Thank you all, ever so much, for your faith, your words, your tears, your hugs, your encouragement, your having travelled the same road and understanding.
PBG[/FONT]
Update: On his own, he went into a facility to have an assessment done. I guess the wife taking the baby was his (current - i hate to be optomistic) bottom. She's not helping matters though, the hand is out for "money for the baby" and nothing of encouragement. Nice.
Anyway, he had his assessment, because he lost his job, there is no insurance so there was the scramble for funding. He wants to come off the methodone but any facility at this time will only keep him on maintenance. So guess what? He's at the house, alone, withdrawling. He thinks and a friend of his told him, that this could only make him stronger. I read so much on what will happen, we talked til we were blue in the face that it's going to get so bad, you are going to want to give in to temptation. That infamous "i know". I made it perfectly clear I'm not falling for tears, for lip service for any of this crap. This is the first time I have ever seen this type of pain coming through his heart. His uncle spent the last couple days with him and sees the same. We don't tell him that, we just talk among ourselves.
Maybe i'm rambling and not making perfect sense, but this is a good day.
I guess my heart isn't into turning my back on him. THere's always that "one last time" huh? So, there are three of us, looking after him, doing what we can, but no one (pardon the expression) is wiping his butt. He's on his own to learn what he needs to learn and make things right in the world.
He asked for help retrieving his car from where he crashed it and I said NO, flat out, no explanation. He seemed to accept it. I did in fact bring him some food, because I did some major reading on what happens to your body in withdrawal. Aside from that, it is in my nature to feed anyone, so regardless of his recent actions, it would be something I would just do for a stranger.
I spoke to doctors and counsellors for my own piece of mind. I spoke to a dear friend who has been in recovery for more years that I can remember, so my heart is on the mend. My head, well...that's going to take a little more time.
Time will tell. There's always a chance this could be ~the~ time. Don't want to turn my back if it is.
I read all about that detachment, but that's something I can't learn overnight. In the meantime, I'm going to hit a few support meetings for my own piece of mind. I know God is around me, I'm just sick and tired of the same bullsh*t for so long. This has been my life. His father and now the son. I just want some peace before I die.
Thank you all, ever so much, for your faith, your words, your tears, your hugs, your encouragement, your having travelled the same road and understanding.
PBG[/FONT]
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Calif
Posts: 1,007
Hello
My heart is breaking for you and your son. I don't blame you one bit for bringing him food. I understand withdrawals can be very dangerous when done alone. I know I wouldn't turn my back on my son either.
You're right, detachment takes a long, long time! Just have to take baby steps to get there.
Hugs & lots of prayers to you and your son.
Devastated
You're right, detachment takes a long, long time! Just have to take baby steps to get there.
Hugs & lots of prayers to you and your son.
Devastated
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: el dorado hills, ca
Posts: 10
i cried as i read your post
i've had the same feelings. so alone. there have been times recently that i have even questioned if God exists. and I consider myself a very "God" loving person. I know that those feelings are necessary sometimes. I know that Jesus loves me and he felt all of the things that we are feeling (being alone, betrayed, yelled at, abused, etc.). I know that sometimes I pray and feel nothing and other times I pray and feel the burdens lifted. I have been counseled to count my blessings when I am feeling particularly lonely or punished. It is hard, but there is always something to be grateful for. Think in the moment, where are you and what are you doing? Is it your thoughts that are punishing you? Don't let your thoughts control you. I agree with you about "its a disease" I also think it is a choice. And just like the addict has a choice, you do to. choose to be happy, choose to pick yourself up and endure, choose to count your blessings (you have your computer, your eyesight, you have felt love, you have a house, you live in this great country where anything is possible, you can go for a walk without fear of death, you can drive yourself to a naranon meeting, the earth is beautiful, chocolate is delicious, Ok i digress... You are not alone, your Heavenly Father knows who you are by name and knows of your pain and is trying to help you. Sometimes I know I don't want to be helped. Sometimes I want to wallow in my misery and I avoid praying or doing the healthy things that I know will make me feel better. SOmetimes I yell at God too, wondering how this could possibly be the plan for me. Please feel the hugs we are all sending you and I pray that you will be comforted. and ps. if leaving and going far far away will make give you the boost you need, then do it.
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