Lovestoomuch

Sometimes it's about accepting what we can control but choose not to.

From the hospitals to the convenience stores & fast food restaurants I'm always settling for less than i know I should deserve or have asked for.

A prime example is what happened to me this evening when I went to town.

I've been good all month and decided to indulge in a little fast food at a local burger place. I placed my order, paid for it and when I checked the bag I saw I had fries when I ordered onion rings and my shake was vanilla when I specifically ordered chocolate!!

What did I do about it?? Absolutely NOTHING! Want to know what makes it worse?? I was still in the parking lot.

Then I stop at the convenience store to get a pack of cigarettes. I get in the car and notice they gave me lights when I specifically asked for full flavor.

What did I do about it?? Absolutely NOTHING!! Want to know what makes it worse?? I was still in the parking lot!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's not just this evening. I'm ALWAYS doing this and I see a pattern for the first time in my adult life that I tend to accept anything that comes which explains why I stayed with my exabf for so darn long.........only with him at least I had a breaking point.

All of this other "little" stuff i choose to accept is NOT another issue entirely. I believe it's part of one big issue and I think may be the key to some part of what I'm still lacking in my recovery.

Acceptance doesn't mean you have to accept EVERYTHING, especially if you have some control over the situation.

So why do I do this?? Is this some sort of codie characteristic like lieing is to an addict??

Does anyone else share in this? No wonder I get so depressed and complain that nothing ever goes right!! Most of it is my own doing.......or lack there of.

Thanks for the mini vent/pitty party.

ladyamalthea

Loves,

I know exactly how you feel. I get so frustrated over things that I don't bother to fix, and then I have to settle for less because I didn't bother to take care of it...

and then I gripe b/c I can't control things lol go figure, right?

So, maybe it's moreso that we try to control the wrong things? If we refocus that control on other things, life could be so much easier, could it not?

Just a thought... and I am so guilty of it.

Lovestoomuch

That's just it though. I don't try to control any aspect of my life anymore......as if acceptance is what you do in every aspect of your day. There are just things I shouldn't have to accept yet I do.......why?? To not cause a riff? To avoid possible conflict?? Lazy maybe?? I know that no one can answer these questions for me. I have to figure it out, but damn........I'm getting tired of finding all these character flaws in myself. I'm supposed to be perfect right?? J/K....although you can't convince some of the people around me.

cece1960

(((Loves))
I know JUST what you are saying.
I'm the same way. Kind of like an "oh well..."
But then in reality, I'm not pleased and I gave them no opportunity to fix it.

I've always thought it was due to the fact that I am in a service type business, and I know what it feels like to be on the other end.

But let me tell you a story...

Last night (I swear) I called my cell phone provider. I got a phone online for my kid and it broke in 5 days. I thought it physically broke as in cracked or something. I was SO mad. I called the 1-800 # expecting nothing ( we know how that goes).

This woman explained that I could "buy" a new one for 20% discount retail (nope, not a good option). She put me on hold.

Then my cell phone rang (I was on a landline) and it was her! She couldn't explain on a recorded call. She advised me to...
1) take it to a store and see if they validated that it was not physically damaged and ask them to document it on his account and send the phone back for replacement.
or
2) If it was deemed damaged, get insurance(I still had 10 days) and get the new phone.

She called me on her personal cell! And then warned me that we never had the conversation. She returned off of hold and acted like we never spoke.
!!!!
There are those out there that care...and would make things right...
IF WE JUST SPEAK UP!

Moral of the story?

We can't get what we wanted if they didn't know we didn't

((((Hugs)))
Cece

greeteachday

Kris, I know exactly what you are saying! A couple of months ago, I was in a convenience store and the total came to ten and change. I had a twenty, and as the woman rang it up, I said, i have the change. She got all confused and basically shorted me ten bucks. She acted as if I was a thief when i questioned her. I KNEW I was right, but I walked out and left the ten dollars she owed me rather than cause a scene. I felt so violated, but I knew it was me. I know...i still know today that the thing I have to work hardest on is how to assert myself in conflict without feeling a victim or without getting upset and angry. I've made baby steps...there are things I can do and just be matter of fact without getting upset, but not always. I tend to either let it go to avoid conflict, or get upset and sound like a banshee...which I Hate...I just hate myself when I sound out of control and unreasonable.
No advice...just saying I have been there...recently and I am working on it and yes, I believe it is a codie trait to have that sign that says walk on me. It is something we have to work hard to change...Love ya Kris.

Lovestoomuch

Wow Cece! That was really nice of that lady to do that for you. Very rare actually. I do have a problem with speaking up......always have. I spend so much time worrying about upsetting someone......I've been in the service industry myself and I know how people can be. I've never wanted to come off as one of "Those" people lol. I know I'm not, but still find it hard to voice any grievance and because of that i'm always in that "oh well" mode......until tonight anyhow. I found myself really super mad until I stopped and thought about what I had done about any of it, and when the answer was quite obvious and it was all on me and my doing or saying nothing.....I got even MORE upset that I couldn't blame what happened on anyone other than MYSELF!! LOL

Lovestoomuch

OMG!! Greet!! I've done that too!! Then kicked myself for pretty much giving away my hard earned cash when I needed it for something else. But rather than cause a scene I just said "forget it".

Mavis

I find myself in these simular situations, but I always figured it was my way of not sweating the small stuff. I never thought of it this way before. Hmmmm, I think you may be on to something here.

greeteachday

Kris, I think I have done this forever...but the eye opening part for me, as it was for you tonight is that it all comes back to me. it was the last victim role I let go of. I hate...absolutely hate being a victim, but it took me until this experience to totally realize I made myself the victim.... I still am working on how to deal with confrontation and conflict gracefully...that is defintely my biggest issue, but I think, like you, recognizing it is half the battle.

Isn't it funny though...I suspect you, like me, would go nuts and create a scene if someone treated our friend the way we are treated! I'm ready to whip someone if they mistreat someone I love, (so I am all set to duke it out about your smokes, or your onion rings, lol) but not yet ready to do that for myself...Hmmmm

Live

Pick your battles??????

Just a thought

Lovestoomuch

Yep! That's me. Heaven help the poor person who makes a mistake with my daughter's happy meal! That's too funny.

Live

I have no problem addressing those kind of issues, it is Happy's kind where it is differences between friends, co-workers, people stuff.

I hope you can laugh about this, raising my dauther in the lean days we would hope and hope they would screw up our fast food order. Then I would call when I got home, tell them it was messed up, I wasn't driving all the way back and that I wanted a coupon for a free meal to replace it. Ornery, huh? LOL It usually worked.

Creative budget stretching we called it.

guineapigjude

I guess I'm the ultimate codie. When people mess up my order, I avoid saying anything because I figure the clerk might be having a bad day, and I don't want to make it worse! If they give me too much change, I make sure and point it out. but if I think I'm short changed, I rarely say anythingbecause, well, what if I'm wrong? *sigh*. But, honey, don't even think of messing with my kids or I'll become a shreiking harpy!!! LOL! Hmmmm. Think there's a message for me in there somewhere??!!

hope213

chiris, i think we do this because we just don't want the confussion. we do not HAVE to accept these things. i used to do the same thing but no more.
God grant me the serinity to accept the things I CANNOT change,
courage to change the things I CAN,
and the wisdow to know the difference.
we are NOT taught to accept everything.we r taught to take care of ourselves.
we must learn to do that & this is an example of part of it. hugs,

marle

Kris, I have been guilty of the same thing. My husband, however, will speak up when things like that happen. An example is when we got the wrong pizza delivered to our house. My reaction is so what, let's just eat it. His was to call the place and complain. We got a free pizza. But while he was calling, I was in the bedroom covering my ears. For me it goes back to my childhood of living with an alcoholic father and never wanting to cause a problem. I hated confrontations and carried that over to my adult life. My mom put up with so much and I think that I learned her coping style. Hugs, Marle

cookconfay

Oh yeah, well...some of you know me....don't make waves, people please ...at all costs! And...then later I'm really irked cuz of what I failed to stand up and put on my big girl panties and DEAL WITH!!!

And....I'm so all or nothing, or passive aggressive however you want to label it....I take it and take it and take it and take it some more without so much as a kiss, then....it all explodes over the WRONG people about the WRONG situation!!! Like I've never physically fought a woman anyways, and don't think that is necessary really in this lifetime, but...I've always said..."I feel sorry for the unlucky soul if I ever do get to unload on her", namely I referred to this during my xah's escapades with his girlfriend. And ..... I'm thinkin it's cuz of all the cheating I've endured or that ended relationships over the years.......GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

pjbs55

Kris,
I am so like you, I will not say anything if someone messes up my order. I know I should but I never want to do anything to hurt somone else. I would say something if my kids order was messed up and was told how stupid I was for doing that, so I just started to keep my mouth closed. I am still doing that. I know it is ME for not standing up for myself, and figure that is the next step to start working on.
Hope you have a better day today

havehope

Kris
I also can relate to what you are saying. A wise lady told me not to complain about someting that I allowed to happen to me. That really sank in for me. I started to stand up for myself more. The first few times it was uncomfortable, but the more I did it, the easier it got. I think us codies have that gene within us somehow, or maybe we have been told that we deserve what we get. Anyway, try it once, and then another time and I bet it will get easier. I think it is like dealing with our addicts. We allow them to take advantage of us, but it is, as you say, something that we can control.
HUGS
Terri

frankie_b

Wow! There's so much insight in this thread. Thanks all.
I'm getting it's about taking care of ourselves.

Codies excel at taking care of others. As a child I know I did. Both my codie Mom and and alcoholic Dad seemed to need my concern and care. Well, I just stepped right up to the plate LOL like a good little girl codie and did what I could to comfort
them, take care of household chores, soothing frayed nerves and so on. Who took care of me ? While my parents did the best they could at the time, neither was well in their "dis at easeness" which preoccupied both.

Taking care of me came in second to others. I learned to neglect my wants and needs. Ditto with AS until I found recovery.
Not anymore. I don't have trouble with those issues. Look out world,
Frankie is more assertive and likes it.

Let's all take really good care of us! We deserve to treat ourselves well, stand up for our wants and needs, speak up when the restaurant gives us what we didn't ask for, take care of our physical, emotional, spiritual health and take charge of those things we can.

Taking care of us matters. It takes practice just as all areas of recovery do. Recovery IS a lifelong journey and applies to every area of our lives. Wow! What a
wonderful journey.

rahsue

I do the same!! I think it is trying to just find contentment so rather than complain we accept and try to just move .