doneforsure

Hi all,
Having a tough time today. I made a big mistake in not just turning off my exagf's daughters cell phone a few months ago. I had given 9 year old Kristen a cell phone for her birthday in April of this year and put her on my family plan with myself and my son, and kept her on after exagf and I split up. I tried to turn over the account to exagf but her credit was so bad, Verizon wouldn't let her. The phone was supposed to only be a few extra dollars a month because mone was primary, but the last 3 months I've gotten phone bills of 330+ and it's because the exagf's daughter is using more than the 900 minutes I told her she could have. Plus, all this open door does is bring more stupid drama, and I know that when it's over, it's over, you're supposed to cut all ties, but I felt so terrible about turning off a phone on a 9 year old girl who was like my own daughter to me. But yesterday I finally had had enough when I got another 338 bill and saw that Kristen used more minutes than I had, so I sent an email to my exagf telling her she would have to do something about getting another account, and that I couldn't keep paying phone bills like this. Long story short, she calls her 9 year old, Kristen calls my son, and next thing I know my son is telling me I'm being mean to Kristen and he's mad at me and doesn't want to talk to me. It freakin still kills me the way some people will stoop so low to even manipulate children. I had allowed my son to stay in touch over the phone with Kristen, but after being accused of something else this week involving yet more stupid drama, I made the decision that it really is time to cut all ties and those too between my son and Kristen. I would put nothing past my exagf and what she wouldn't do in terms of just trying to drag me into more drama, and creating it just to get at me. The exagf has threatened me several times with not allowing my son to talk to her daughter, and as much as I wish I could have a relationship of some kind with Kristen, I know I can't because I would never know what kind of crazy crap I'd get accused of. She also accused me of putting someone up to calling her ex-husband and telling him that she doesn't have a drivers license and driving her daughter around, which is true, but the ex husband already knows this and it's his problem not mine, but still, I got threatened with harrassment complaints and I think, that based upon past experience with her, she made ther whole thing up just to push my buttons. I'm just very upset today because not only is my own son angry with me, but Kristen too, because the way it was put to her, according to my son, was that I was being very very mean.

I would never ever ever tell my son something like that about anyone. I just don't understand how anyone would NOT want to shield their own child from nonsense. That's why I have to cut all ties because I know I'm just leaving my son, and myself too, exposed to more as well even though the kids are just kids, innocent pawns.

parentrecovers

you're the adult here. and the sane one at that. it's your money. it's your job to keep your son safe from the chaos..

you getting any counseling for you and your son? it might help through this transition.

hope this helps, it's real hard when children are involved in adult problems. blessings, k

hope213

sometimes it is hard to do the right thing.keeping you all in my prayers,

Ladybugg

you are just tying up all the loose ends and learning from your mistakes and I would pay the money and shut it off-you gave her a chance to keep it

i will never understand my addict ex husband either-the hard part has been accepting that

you have to do what is best for you and your son-always

Noah812

Done you did the right thing. Also you are not being mean, in fact her mother should give her a talking too or more (spankin) and setup a way to repay you. We both know this is not going to happen so your out another 1000 dollars for 300+ x 3 months. It could be worse you could continue to do this for another year. Your decision shows strength and self preservation. Another thing, if this phone is on your account can you get list of dialed and recieved phone calls to and from this phone. It might make you feel better if you found out the xagf was using the phone and purposly or accidently running up your bill. Either way tell your son that he will understand someday and the two of you move on without the chaos of you xagf.

Wascally Wabbit

Wow. Talk about getting taken advantage of.

Have you sat down with your son and explained to him that you feel you're being used by them? Show him the bill and ask him if it is fair to spend that kind of money on another child your own child doesn't get that kind of allowance?
Maybe it would make sense to him that way.

ladyjane

You have to do what you have to do. Being the nice guy is only going to get you so far. Sounds like exagf will find something to accuse you of anyway so it may as well be for the phone.
Given a little time your son will get over it, too.
_________
Trish

CatsPajamas

Depending on how old your son is, he might benefit from AlaTeen. Sometimes a kid has to hear something from another kid (or another adult) before he can really hear it and grasp it. I don't know why that is, but as the mom of 2 boys and former step mom to 3 kids, I know it to be the way it is!

And, as the others have said, you're the grown up and you are doing the right thing by limiting the amount of drama & chaos that comes into your life.

~Cats

ladyamalthea

I agree with Cats and Wascally... both had great ideas for ways to show your son that your ex is the mean one.

I feel sorry for the little girl in this, because her mother obviously either is manipulating the phone situation just to make you miserable or does not know how to discipline her daughter. Either way, the daughter is the one losing in this game.

But I also agree that you are doing nothing wrong by cutting all ties with them. Your son has to come first, excessive exposure to someone as manipulative and selfish as your ex is can have no positive benefit for children, save learning a lesson about not becoming that way themselves.

greeteachday

I'm so, so sorry...I know you have understood that you can not be involved in the drama of a relationship with an addict, but have been trying to do all you can to have an honest, open relationship with your son and to allow him to communicate with your ex's daughter. It's so sad that adults will use children to manipulate situations and I am just so sorry you and your son have to experience this. You have done the right thing. I just feel bad for you, your son and Kristen. It stinks. I have you all in my prayers.

marle

The first thing that came to my mind is why does a 9 year old girl need a cell phone. And the second thought was is the mom using the phone to make calls too. Either way you did the right thing. You do not owe this child a phone, but have you thought about getting her a phone that you buy minutes for. That way you are not responsible for what happens after the initial amount that you spend for it. If she needs more minutes then her mom would need to purchase them. Just a thought. Hugs, Marle