my boyfriend..
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 7
my boyfriend..
I've been with my boyfriend for a while now. We've known each other for a long time and went to high school together. We'd dated before, but do to his problems with marijuana, had to break it off. He has been put on probation, but is still smoking. He was better for about 5 months. He hadn't smoked at all, and that's when we started talking again. He told me he realized that he had been affected by the pot and didn't want to go back to that again. After we started getting involved, he dropped his druggie friends and just hung out with me, and things seem fine. Now things are getting worse. He's started smoking again constantly. He feels like he needs to get high. Things just aren't the same. I love him very much, and I can't bare to watch him destroy himself. I have tried to tell him how I felt, and in the beginning he was sympathic and said he understood that he had a problem, but now...he's just back to where he was a long time ago. He's hanging out with those old friends again...he's smoking everyday. It feels like he doesn't care about anything. My friends tell me I have to break it off with him no matter how hard it is. I am at a loss. It feels like maybe I've already lost the man I fell in love with, and the only thing keeping me holding on is hoping and praying he'll get better. Any advice?
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Edmonton AB
Posts: 285
Welcome!
First, you are not alone. Each and everyone of us has had the same feelings you are experiencing, and have come to this forum for support. You have to realize that your boyfriend loves one thing: weed. That is his priority in life and the advice you give him goes in one ear and out the other.
If there is one thing I have learned in my recovery it is this- you cannot change an addict. They, when ready, will seek help themselves on their own time and terms.
It is a hard, watching the ones you love get destroyed by drugs or alcohol and there is absolutely nothing you can do. But you try! Boy do you try-over and over you search for the drugs, you preach to them, you nag them, you give them ultimatims and yell at them, then smother them- all to question yourself in the end 'why' do they not see all of what you are doing for them? Do they not love you? Am I not good enough?
Stick around. You may be surprised to find the answers to your questions right here on this forum.
First, you are not alone. Each and everyone of us has had the same feelings you are experiencing, and have come to this forum for support. You have to realize that your boyfriend loves one thing: weed. That is his priority in life and the advice you give him goes in one ear and out the other.
If there is one thing I have learned in my recovery it is this- you cannot change an addict. They, when ready, will seek help themselves on their own time and terms.
It is a hard, watching the ones you love get destroyed by drugs or alcohol and there is absolutely nothing you can do. But you try! Boy do you try-over and over you search for the drugs, you preach to them, you nag them, you give them ultimatims and yell at them, then smother them- all to question yourself in the end 'why' do they not see all of what you are doing for them? Do they not love you? Am I not good enough?
Stick around. You may be surprised to find the answers to your questions right here on this forum.
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 7
I read the "If You Love Me, Let Me Fall" post. I printed it out. I know I need to let him go. I know that I need to stop enabling him. I am the cushion that he lands on when he falls. Somehow though, even though I'm dying inside, the thought of leaving him and never seeing him again kills me even more.
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 7
I'm not sure if anyone is still reading this, but the other day I had a break down. I cried and cried in his arms. Finally, I said it out right. "You have a problem, do you know that?" This was the first time we'd ever spoke about his addiction in open conversation. His response was this..."I know I do, and I know it hurts you. It hurts me, but I feel like I need to smoke. I have to smoke." I replied with.."If I had one wish, it would be that you would never smoke again." He said "Me too." I asked him "Why don't you then?" and we ended the conversation on..."I'm not ready to yet."
It feels like I'm a hamster in a ball...running around in circles...the minute I think I'm breaking through to him..that maybe he's thinking rationally...he's not. I am young, and I have always been a believer in never leaving someone when they are down. He asks me all the time if I love him and if I'm going to leave him...I say of course I love him and no I'm not leaving him...but I wonder...would me leaving him be enough for him to realize it as a consequence of his actions? Would he even understand?
It feels like I'm a hamster in a ball...running around in circles...the minute I think I'm breaking through to him..that maybe he's thinking rationally...he's not. I am young, and I have always been a believer in never leaving someone when they are down. He asks me all the time if I love him and if I'm going to leave him...I say of course I love him and no I'm not leaving him...but I wonder...would me leaving him be enough for him to realize it as a consequence of his actions? Would he even understand?
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Edmonton AB
Posts: 285
I had that same conversation with my husband. I cried just as you did, and know the pain you felt inside. It's hard Alex, and it sucks. Addiction sucks. If you could take the one thing away from him to make him "perfect" It would be "perfect" wouldn't it?
No. It wouldn't. Your b/f comes along with many other surprises that you are unaware of, and mostly why he is choosing to use and ignore them.
Read the sticky's at the top of the forum and get very educated on addiction, and co-dependancy. The information will help you out greatly.
No. It wouldn't. Your b/f comes along with many other surprises that you are unaware of, and mostly why he is choosing to use and ignore them.
Read the sticky's at the top of the forum and get very educated on addiction, and co-dependancy. The information will help you out greatly.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
My daughter was engaged to a great young man and they had a child. My daughter was all about family and doing the right things. Her young man refused to grow up and more and more he was all about pot. He got to where he was sneaking and lying and even almost successfully "faked" a suicide. The anger and deceit and arguing got worse and worse and the grandchild heard it. My daughter got, predictably, codie crazy too. I don't know what broke the camel's back, but she kicked him out, it has turned out to be the very best move she could have made. And with him, it's all still the same. But her and grandchild's lives have improved tremendously.
I cringe whenever I hear someone say it's just pot. Because I witnessed this horrible destruction.
I cringe whenever I hear someone say it's just pot. Because I witnessed this horrible destruction.
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: My House
Posts: 1,122
Alex,
I am so sorry he is putting you through this. The good news is that he's admitting he has a problem and that he needs to stop. The bad news would be the way the conversation ended. No one here can tell you whether or not you have to leave him, or if that would even make him stop. Granted, it might, but the thing of it is, if he stopped right after you left him, would you go running right back? Because if you did, you might find yourself in this same spot all over again.
So, rather than thinking about leaving him as a method to help him, why not think about ways to help yourself first? After all, if he does decide he wants to get help, if you aren't clear-minded about things, you will be in no shape to be truly supportive.
Around here, the kind folks taught me the three c's: I didn't cause it, I can't cure it, and I can't control it. And the same is true for you. You alone cannot save him; he has to decide that the consquences of using outweigh the positives of being high, to the point where he has to stop, or he'll never truly quit.
Now, might it be beneficial for you to leave him? You betcha... if nothing else, because his life is going to have to get a lot worse before he decides it's worth it to give up the drugs, and do you really want to be around for that? We're talking stealing, the loss of ability to hold a steady job, a lack of hygeine, putting the drugs ahead of those he loves when he's sober (including you)-- and he's already done this one, or he would have agreed to stop during your conversation the other day. Oh, and let's not forget either going away to jail for lengthy visits or ending up dead. And if you're in the picture when things come crashing down, just remember it could land you in jail, or worse, with him... even if for no other reason than because you were around, or because the drugs were found in your home, etc.
I don't mean to scare you, but as others have said, if you read the "stickies" at the top of the page for this section of the forum, you will read a plethora of info that will back this up. And please don't let him "guilt" you into staying... remember that no matter how much he says he cannot live without you, etc, in his mind, the contest has already happened, and the drugs have won; otherwise, he would not continue after admitting he was hurting you. So, for the time being, whether you stay or not, he will have his first love.
Like I said before, there is no right or wrong when it comes to staying with him or leaving him. Others on this forum have stuck with their addicted significant other, and some have not. It's a matter of what you have to do to take care of you, and only you know the answer to that. But whatever you decide, I hope you'll not let yourself drown with him, because unfortunately it sounds like it is going to get much worse before he gets better.
And, no matter what you decide, I hope you'll keep coming around here for support, for yourself and others. The people here have helped me so much in the past few months, and we're like a family here. And we always have room for one more
Keep us posted girl!
*hugs*
I am so sorry he is putting you through this. The good news is that he's admitting he has a problem and that he needs to stop. The bad news would be the way the conversation ended. No one here can tell you whether or not you have to leave him, or if that would even make him stop. Granted, it might, but the thing of it is, if he stopped right after you left him, would you go running right back? Because if you did, you might find yourself in this same spot all over again.
So, rather than thinking about leaving him as a method to help him, why not think about ways to help yourself first? After all, if he does decide he wants to get help, if you aren't clear-minded about things, you will be in no shape to be truly supportive.
Around here, the kind folks taught me the three c's: I didn't cause it, I can't cure it, and I can't control it. And the same is true for you. You alone cannot save him; he has to decide that the consquences of using outweigh the positives of being high, to the point where he has to stop, or he'll never truly quit.
Now, might it be beneficial for you to leave him? You betcha... if nothing else, because his life is going to have to get a lot worse before he decides it's worth it to give up the drugs, and do you really want to be around for that? We're talking stealing, the loss of ability to hold a steady job, a lack of hygeine, putting the drugs ahead of those he loves when he's sober (including you)-- and he's already done this one, or he would have agreed to stop during your conversation the other day. Oh, and let's not forget either going away to jail for lengthy visits or ending up dead. And if you're in the picture when things come crashing down, just remember it could land you in jail, or worse, with him... even if for no other reason than because you were around, or because the drugs were found in your home, etc.
I don't mean to scare you, but as others have said, if you read the "stickies" at the top of the page for this section of the forum, you will read a plethora of info that will back this up. And please don't let him "guilt" you into staying... remember that no matter how much he says he cannot live without you, etc, in his mind, the contest has already happened, and the drugs have won; otherwise, he would not continue after admitting he was hurting you. So, for the time being, whether you stay or not, he will have his first love.
Like I said before, there is no right or wrong when it comes to staying with him or leaving him. Others on this forum have stuck with their addicted significant other, and some have not. It's a matter of what you have to do to take care of you, and only you know the answer to that. But whatever you decide, I hope you'll not let yourself drown with him, because unfortunately it sounds like it is going to get much worse before he gets better.
And, no matter what you decide, I hope you'll keep coming around here for support, for yourself and others. The people here have helped me so much in the past few months, and we're like a family here. And we always have room for one more
Keep us posted girl!
*hugs*
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 6
Originally Posted by liveweyerd 
My daughter was engaged to a great young man and they had a child. My daughter was all about family and doing the right things. Her young man refused to grow up and more and more he was all about pot. He got to where he was sneaking and lying and even almost successfully "faked" a suicide. The anger and deceit and arguing got worse and worse and the grandchild heard it. My daughter got, predictably, codie crazy too. I don't know what broke the camel's back, but she kicked him out, it has turned out to be the very best move she could have made. And with him, it's all still the same. But her and grandchild's lives have improved tremendously.
I cringe whenever I hear someone say it's just pot. Because I witnessed this horrible destruction.
I cringe whenever I hear someone say it's just pot. Because I witnessed this horrible destruction.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
I just checked and there is a sticky at the top of the forum that explains codependency. It usually, to the best of my knowledge, really blows its lid when we are trying to manage another person's addiction for them. We become suspicious and enraged, we check up on the addict, we snoop, we feel really confused and get more and more out of control. I thought I had lost my mind..and I had! Everything was all a reaction to my alcoholic abusive boyfriend. We became two of us consumed with alcohol, his with his addiction and me trying to control him. Or even just to know the truth...we often become really comsumed by that one. And I can go to outrageous extremes to KNOW the truth, when I all ready know it in my gut...but I just have to prove it somehow. All a waste of time and really damaging to our self-esteem and our lives in all aspects. We are always trying to fix things. We stop taking care of ourselves. I let myself get so very sick and tired of being sick and tired and in so much pain all the time, now I am horrified to even recall how awful it was. There is no instant cure. We learn together how to reconstruct our lives and move forward. Each at our own pace. This forum is a very safe and supportive place to deal with our issues.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 518
Alex~
My oh my. I was where you once were. The stickies at the top have proved invaluable to me. So has the book Codependent No More. The stickies on the Alcoholism forum also have proved to give me alot of insight.
I have been with my bf for almost 2 years now. I am a well-educated girl from a good family. My relationship with this man was wonderful. He was my best friend, confidant, lover- we were inseperable. Over the past seven months things took a nosedive when he began to withdraw. In the beginning I thought he was cheating on me. I had no SUBSTANTIAL proof that he was using drugs, but I knew he had a past history with addiction and that this could be the problem. I never DREAMED he was shooting heroin. I woke up one day and realized that my boyfriend was a heroin addict and I felt so incredibly helpless to do anything about it. I cannot begin to explain the emotional choas and turmoil that brewed inside of me. I couldn't eat or sleep, I was constantly in emotional pain trying to figure out what he was doing, whether he was telling me the truth. I lost myself utterly and completely.
The hardest concept I have had to come to terms with is that there is NOTHING I can do to make him change. I am only responsible for myself. This being said, all the worry and anxiety are fruitless activties that keep me in the same place- stuck- and in pain. We want them to get better and to WANT a life with US! But in the end we are powerless.
I am a girl who has always struggled with self-worth issues but dealing with addiction and the self-trust and security it robbed me of have made me begin to feel I deserved the treatment I was getting from him. Addiction can turn our loved ones into monsters, into shells of people ande can ultimately take their lives.
I would recommend educating yourself on addiction. Nothing will change for him unless he wants it to change. Please know that I am struggling in my own recovery so anything I say comes from a place of genuine concern and compassion and not necessarily from experience. Thinking of you.
My oh my. I was where you once were. The stickies at the top have proved invaluable to me. So has the book Codependent No More. The stickies on the Alcoholism forum also have proved to give me alot of insight.
I have been with my bf for almost 2 years now. I am a well-educated girl from a good family. My relationship with this man was wonderful. He was my best friend, confidant, lover- we were inseperable. Over the past seven months things took a nosedive when he began to withdraw. In the beginning I thought he was cheating on me. I had no SUBSTANTIAL proof that he was using drugs, but I knew he had a past history with addiction and that this could be the problem. I never DREAMED he was shooting heroin. I woke up one day and realized that my boyfriend was a heroin addict and I felt so incredibly helpless to do anything about it. I cannot begin to explain the emotional choas and turmoil that brewed inside of me. I couldn't eat or sleep, I was constantly in emotional pain trying to figure out what he was doing, whether he was telling me the truth. I lost myself utterly and completely.
The hardest concept I have had to come to terms with is that there is NOTHING I can do to make him change. I am only responsible for myself. This being said, all the worry and anxiety are fruitless activties that keep me in the same place- stuck- and in pain. We want them to get better and to WANT a life with US! But in the end we are powerless.
I am a girl who has always struggled with self-worth issues but dealing with addiction and the self-trust and security it robbed me of have made me begin to feel I deserved the treatment I was getting from him. Addiction can turn our loved ones into monsters, into shells of people ande can ultimately take their lives.
I would recommend educating yourself on addiction. Nothing will change for him unless he wants it to change. Please know that I am struggling in my own recovery so anything I say comes from a place of genuine concern and compassion and not necessarily from experience. Thinking of you.
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