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another bad decision

Old 08-29-2007, 02:52 PM
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another bad decision

Somehow, for the hundreth time, I convinced myself that everything was going to be ok this time. About a week and a half ago, after about 3 months of active recovery down in florida at a sober house, abf was kicked out for doing an oxy. I let him come home (despite all of the warnings) and today he relapsed again.

We spent the entire night and this morning at the hospital b/c I was really sick. I guess I caught a nasty stomach flu and after about 5 hrs of throwing up until I was delerious and severly dehydrated, abf convinced me to let him take me to the hospital and we didn't get back until 10 this morning. I fell asleep when we got home and he had to go into his new job to fill out paperwork. When I woke up he wasn't home yet. When he did get home, he told me that he had used. Heroin this time, and a needle. I told him that he had to leave b/c that was the deal. He couldn't live here and use. He got really upset and then he started throwing up for about an hour. I don't know if it was from the drugs or if he caught what I have. Now, he's asleep (passed out?) on the couch.

I just don't know what to do. I know they say that relapse is part of recovery but what constitutes a relapse and when is it just using again? Twice in 3 months is so far from where he was but I'm terrified that this isn't just a relapse-that it might be the start of it all over again. He begged me to let him stay and I said no but then he got sick. The thing that's really sick, though, is that I don't want him gone. It's been so nice since he got back and I've been so happy. He wasn't using or sick and things were good, we were happy. I felt like I had my best friend back. Even as bad as last night was, it was such a comfort to have him hold my hand and try to make me laugh all night at the hospital.

Now I don't know what to do. Do I let him stay and hope this is part of the recovery? Do I kick him out for fear of things getting worse-throw him out with nothing but his clothes and where the closest person he knows is 4 hrs away? Stick him on a bus back to Philadelphia (we're in Virginia but he's from Philly)? If I kick him out and something happens I'll feel responsible b/c I'm the one that let him come back up here. I let him leave Florida.

When he fell asleep I packed his bags. I'm still so exhausted from being sick that it took everything out of me. Even typing is tiring me out. I'm afraid that if he begs I just won't have the energy to fight it...especially since such a big part of me wants him here. I just haven't been able to give up hope that he'll get better. Keep telling myself that he's only 23 and he'll be able to bounce back. There's so many thoughts going through my head at once. I'm sorry this is so long, I just needed to vent. I'm so tired of making bad decisions but I don't seem to be able to stop. Thanks for listening.
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Old 08-29-2007, 03:13 PM
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Originally Posted by maddie82 View Post
If I kick him out and something happens I'll feel responsible b/c I'm the one that let him come back up here. I let him leave Florida.
Whoaa...back up that codie bus Maddie.
You gave him opportunity, with responsibility. He broke the deal.
You are not responsible.
But I know how I felt with my son, who after quite a few stumbles and falls, finally got back on solid ground and as far as I know, hasn't used heroin in over two years.

I saw progress...I stuck it out. It was VERY hard though, and probably would have been easier on me had I not had to witness the falls.

We do what we can when we can. If you can't find it in yourself to kick him out, maybe give it a week, with no promises, but he may want to set up a plan B in regards to his living arrangements.

They taught me here that when you have no idea what to do, doing nothing is OK for right now.

Prayers for peace, wisdom and clarity for the both of you
(((Hugs)))
Cece
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Old 08-29-2007, 04:31 PM
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Can I comment on the same quote cece did?

As far as feeling responsible, I think that comes from us making a boundary then feeling guilty we made a boundary.

Boundaries are safety lines we draw to protect ourselves, not the addict.
If they can not accept our boundary, we shouldn't have to feel guilty about it. Remember, addicts are the worlds best manipulators, and guilt trips are their forte.

Without some kind of boundary, some kind of statement that says, "this is as far as I will go, and no farther", we set our selves up to be walked on and taken advantage of, which then turns into resentment on our part.

We must be willing to stand up for our boundaries, to mean it and to follow through. Sure, the addict will get pissed, but so what? Let them get mad! Let them pitch a fit. Eventually, they will learn they can no longer get away with certian things with us any more. And we will experience peace because we aren't allowing ourselves to be taken advantage of any more.
Take care my dear. I do hope things improve for you soon.
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